Needing Re-assurance

[HersheySC]

I'm new here to this forum, and I hope that I can find some help here.

I'll try to keep it short

My husband and I both are new in Christ and had began attending a church in our community.

The church is a Holiness Pentecostal. When we began attending, things went great....until my husband informed the preacher that he had been married before. Then the issue came up about the clothing women should wear, not cutting their hair, etc.

Four months into this, things had only gotten worse. My husband's situation kept coming up, and then, after wearing jeans on a shopping trip with the other women, the sermon the following Sunday morning was about 'issues', i.e. wearing pants, cutting our hair, etc. The preacher had just as well stood there and pointed his finger in my face and said 'You can't do that! You are rebelling and going to hell'. I left in tears. My husband didn't even have to ask what was wrong...he knew. (He had been performing some duties of a deacon, but he pastor would not officially let him hold the office of one...talking about creating confusion) When my huband went back that evening to give back the key to the church, he told the preacher we would not be back.

The pastor then tried to argue with mu husband about the beliefs of the church, challenging him to quote scripture. My husband told him not to go there....that he had only been saved for four months, and knew he couldn't compete....That he was just simply tired of the clothes line preaching. Of course, the pastor denied ever doing such.

Other things were said, but the one thing that stuck out in my mind is that when my huband started to walk away, the pastor took him by the hand, patted it, and said, (and I quote) "Just remember that I am the one that led you to Christ".

Your opinions? Myself.....I was appalled. How dare he say that....almost as if he's the one who saved him.

In any case, we are now trying to determine if what we feel is conviction from the holy spirit that we've made a mistake, or just simply the pain of being treated in such a horrible way.

I have been crying continually since yesterday. Any help would greatly be appreciated.

[Florence]

Run!!!!!And don't look back!!!

[Reg]

Run!!!!!And don't look back!!!

You poor thing. Agree with Forence.

What a shame that he/they would treat you like that. It all sp/mells of CONTROL. :mad:

Just reading your description brought out triggers in me. Like, how dare he. etc. :mad:

Here's what it says about what you are experiencing.

Characteristics of a Spiritually Abusive Group

Spiritually abusive situations can be recognized quite readily. People involved in an abusive situation begin by feeling that generally things just don't seem right. As they focus attention on their growing dis-ease; a typical pattern of abuse might manifest itself with symptoms much like these:

1. The leader(s) will always need to have absolute control and the final authority over a ministry. If there is an eldership, it will be composed of only a few men (and women) who are chosen precisely because they can be controlled. It is unlikely that the leader will be in any meaningful relationship with people outside of his group. He will avoid being held accountable by a denomination or his peers in the professional ministry.

2. The abusive leader is deceptive. The abusive leader cannot afford to be transparent and is likely to be a master at slick speech and manipulative words. The abusive leader is not above lying or deliberately engineering circumstances to get his own way. He will cover his tracks as best as he can.

3. The abusive leader is somewhat paranoid. He will compound this paranoia by a reluctance to keep written records or minutes of meetings etc., This further fuels communication problems as he will get vital information mixed up and confused as the net closes in.

4. The abusive leader loves things and uses people. One of the hallmarks of an abusive church is how many people have left the group because they could no longer stand being used and manipulated.

5. The abusive leader or religious system works very hard at creating and maintaining a superlative image - spectacular programs, public ministries etc., There will likely be church schools, feeding programs, youth groups, bands and outreach ministries that are spectacular in nature. Look carefully at them; do they reflect back on the glory of Jesus Christ or are these monuments to the group leader ?

6. Performance-based approval is heavily promoted. Many charismatic groups are quite open about this. The abusive group's position paper that is quoted in full elsewhere on this site, openly proclaims: "to function in the gifts and calling of God (true riches) we must prove ourselves faithful in that which belongs to another (whether God or man)".

7. People who choose to leave the group will do so under a cloud. They will not be released with love or any kind of public farewell usually. There will likely be shame and slander directed at them as they leave. Over time, an abusive group will have quite a collection of alumni with similar horror stories of abuse to talk about.

8. Victims of abusive churches very often manifest broken lives and crushed spiritual faith after departing a dangerous religious group. Divorce, depression, drug and alcohol addictions, family and work problems are the price of religious addiction. This further fuels the abusive church leaders who thrive on scary stories about what happened to 'so and so' after he / she left the group.

[Doug64]

Hello and welcome:


I agree with the previous comments. You made the right decision to leave.
Any group that tries to control you has the wrong motives.

The Pentecostals like a number of other groups have a "do and don't do" list peculiar to the group. Many of the things they include cannot be found in scripture. Wearing jeans is one such thing.

Doug :)

[Hope 98]

Other things were said, but the one thing that stuck out in my mind is that when my huband started to walk away, the pastor took him by the hand, patted it, and said, (and I quote) "Just remember that I am the one that led you to Christ".

Your opinions? Myself.....I was appalled. How dare he say that....almost as if he's the one who saved him.

In any case, we are now trying to determine if what we feel is conviction from the holy spirit that we've made a mistake, or just simply the pain of being treated in such a horrible way.

I have been crying continually since yesterday. Any help would greatly be appreciated.

Hello & welcome Hershey

My opinion regarding the "I am the one that led you to Christ" comment. I agree with you except for the "almost".

I guarantee that you are not feeling conviction from the Holy spirit. Most of us, if not all of us here have felt that same pain of being treated in such a horrible way.

I am sorry that you are crying, that you have anything to cry about, but it is better than trying to convince yourself that you weren't hurt!

I also agree with Florence RUN and don't look back!

[Kerrin]

Hershey,
I agree too with all of the "above".RUN, RUN as fast as you can and keep crying. Tears are only healing and, if you can do that now your on your way. It took me literally years to let myself cry because it was a 'sign of weakness''.
Cry and we will cry with you, hurt and we will hurt with you, most importantly, here is where REAL healing and support is what you will find from those who will travel your journey with you and help to wipe those tears :) (THis place has been so good for me................A couple of weeks ago I thought I was all alone in this, Was I wrong?)
P.S I'm still scared, but I'm learning with all these great people and their invaluable wisdom and experiences.
Bless You.
Kerrin

[Jerry]

Dear Hershey SC,,,,
I can tell from your post that you have "Disearnment" take head of it.About the Pastor all i can say is this,,,,,,,,,When someone "Shows" you who they are,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,believe them the "first" time.
Love Jerry

[HersheySC]

Hello again everyone.

I wanted to say thank you all so much for your support. THis experience has had a profound effect on me, but with your help, and with the help of loving friends and family members, we have already begun to seek a new church.

I should not have been so surprised at what happened...I was warned. I guess I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. You live and learn I suppose.

My husband and I have had extensive discussions since the incident. He was heart broken as well. But after thinking about it, we made our minds up that this was not going to stop us in our walk with God. I have many mixed feelings about it....I still love those people at that church....not all of them were involved in what happened. It just greatly saddens me, because I know that the spirit in that church probably won't be there long, and it will probably fail to grow, and maybe even cease to exist. All we can do is just pray for them, that God will give them wisdom and conviction for what has happened. The fact that the pastor denied everything and had little if any remorse leaves me doubting any prayers will help, but God is all knowing, gracious and merciful, and he will take care of it.

We have begun the healing process, and I am looking foward to the day when we at last have a home where we can be nurtured and can grow in Christ.

Thank you all...I love everyone of you for your concern and support.
I hope God blesses each of you excedingly.

[Kerrin]

We have begun the healing process, and I am looking foward to the day when we at last have a home where we can be nurtured and can grow in Christ.

Thank you all...I love everyone of you for your concern and support.
I hope God blesses each of you excedingly.[/QUOTE]


;) Hi Southern Girl,
It is really sad to watch your old church "die" a slow death, even after many warnings. Been there, only to be accused of as the "problem".(My Pastor took "credit" for leading my husband to christ and away from his catholic roots, which had "filtered" his view of Christ!!!!!!!!!! Absolute bologne, (did I spell it right, we don't eat it here, or it;s called somethng else), Anyway, as for leading him toChrist I took him to Alpha before we married, where he got baptised etc... but it was the Holy Spirit, not me! OR my Pastor)
For us it's been about 6 months and still no new home church. I'm still hoping and praying. I know God will come through but it's lonely,
Take care of one another,
Kerrin :)

[Ontheroad]

My Pastor took "credit" for leading my husband to christ and away from his catholic roots, which had "filtered" his view of Christ!!!!!!!!!! Absolute bologne, (did I spell it right, we don't eat it here, or it;s called somethng else), Anyway, as for leading him toChrist I took him to Alpha before we married, where he got baptised etc... but it was the Holy Spirit, not me! OR my Pastor)

Kerrin,

I would bet that it is common for abusive/controlling pastors to take credit for things they only did in their twisted perceptions, due to their inflated sense of self-importance. My pastor actually told me and a friend of mine he was counseling that we both would neer find anyone else who could help us like he could. What a crock! He also told the church after I left that he had sacrficed so much time to counsel me and had helped me and my family more than anyone else ever had and that it was like a slap in his face for me to leave. (Even though my husband and I came near divorce and I almost had a complete emotional breakdown from all of his words of advise and "help" and "counsel". )

[Kerrin]

I would bet that it is common for abusive/controlling pastors to take credit for things they only did in their twisted perceptions, due to their inflated sense of self-importance. My pastor actually told me and a friend of mine he was counseling that we both would neer find anyone else who could help us like he could. What a crock! He also told the church after I left that he had sacrficed so much time to counsel me and had helped me and my family more than anyone else ever had and that it was like a slap in his face for me to leave. (Even though my husband and I came near divorce and I almost had a complete emotional breakdown from all of his words of advise and "help" and "counsel". )[/QUOTE]

"on the road",
This is the very same thing that nearly brought my second marriage to an end. When I was told I could "admit" I'd made a mistake and we should move on.
He was told I was........... well, lets just say a lot of stuff. (We wanted to FIX our marriage, they were 'condoning" divorce, which in this case makes no sense!!)
My husband fortunately took a stand and has said NO he is not going to let me go,and what they've been saying is wrong. We are planning a new life in a new state. I know the road will have some speed bimps, but we'll get over them eventually.
P.S I usedto live in Fort Worth with my first hubby, who is my daughter's dad, loved the people, the shopping, the food. Didn't like all the guns, not used to that. I worked in Tarrant County for a while ;) :)
Blessings,
Kerrin

[Jerry]

Dear Kerrin,,,
I lived in the Houston area for a while,about a year.So you know what them pointed "Cowboy Boots" is fer,,,You know,,,,,soes ya can stomp a "Cockroche" in the corner !!! :D :rolleyes: :eek:
Love Jerry

[Kerrin]

Dear Kerrin,,,
I lived in the Houston area for a while,about a year.So you know what them pointed "Cowboy Boots" is fer,,,You know,,,,,soes ya can stomp a "Cockroche" in the corner !!! :D :rolleyes: :eek:
Love Jerry
:rolleyes: Unfortunately haven't seen any of those pointy "rattleskin" cowboy boots about, 'round this here,these parts,. Oh YEAH, and are those roaches BIG!!!!!!!! :)
Quite an experience!!,
Kerrin

[HersheySC]

Just wanted to post an update.

We've began attending a new church. We spoke with the Pastor about the things that had happened...turns out he knew the pastor at the other church. We got all the issues out up front...and it didn't make any difference to them. We were warmly and lovingly accepted.

My husband paid the previous pastor a visit the other day...he told me God told him to go there, so he did. He apologized for having offended him in anyway. The pastor apologized to my husband for anything he said to hurt him or me. He told my husband that he wasn't going to let it go, but that the time to talk to us was not right...Don't know what he was waiting on. But, during the discussion, his "situation" came up again...and he told my husband he hoped we were happy, but to make sure we didn't take the 'easy' way out. When My husband told me that, all I could do was shake my head. This guy just doesn't get it.

He did tell hubby that we were welcome to visit over there any time. My husband mentioned he might go on occasion, but I told him that was his decision...I also told him I would not. My spirit is telling me to stay away...I'm not real sure why, but I won't question it. He told me that he didn't feel any pressure to go back again after his discussion with the pastor. God just told him to go over there and apologize for possibly offending this fellow. He did say that a great burden had been lifted off of him as a result.

As far as I am concerned, I have found a new home. I've known some of the people at this new church for a while, even one lady that experienced the same thing that happened to me...and she says she still carries that around with her. I feel loved and cared for, regardless of what I look like or have on.

Thanks to all of your support. Happy New Year!