abbey
03-08-2007, 02:04 PM
I noticed that I have lost something since the cult. I was only in it 9 months, yet there was so much damage, I realize bit by bit, week by week, that Ive been robbed and screwed up from this horrid experience.
What I lost was my care-free sort of innocence. My childlike way of looking at the world. I cant see the beauty of an ocean or the twinkle in the eyes of a child. Everything has become so serious. I now am constantly concerned if im sinning, if Im not spiritual enough, if im falling short with God. They were obsessed with their standing in front of God constantly. My leader didnt even eat sugar or ingest caffine. He thought too much laughter was demonic. Side-splitting, lets pee our pants laughter (something i do with my kid) He actually thought it was demonic.
I was saved after writing a chrsitian inmate. My testimomy is really wild. A few days back I wrote my inmate freind and he asked me if I have fallen back into darkness. Whats that spose to mean? Drugs, the world, secular music, Im going to ask him what the heck he means by darkness. And Im gonna tell him to quit preaching to me. It triggers and triggers.
I want to gaze at the stars in wonder. I want to laugh and rejoice in good music, a comedy show, I want to visit puppies at the humane society and giggle at their goofiness. But sin, sin, punishment, death, obedience, denying self, laying down your life and letting down God are always in my brain. Talk about insanity!
Ive been robbed. and im MAD AS HECK.
I havent been able to put into words what I feel---its beyond words, but thats the gist of it. Loss of being carefree...
Didnt He come to give life more abundantly. Isnt His yoke easy and burden light. I feel chained, carrying heavy baggage and im pissed.
Peace
What I lost was my care-free sort of innocence. My childlike way of looking at the world. I cant see the beauty of an ocean or the twinkle in the eyes of a child. Everything has become so serious. I now am constantly concerned if im sinning, if Im not spiritual enough, if im falling short with God. They were obsessed with their standing in front of God constantly. My leader didnt even eat sugar or ingest caffine. He thought too much laughter was demonic. Side-splitting, lets pee our pants laughter (something i do with my kid) He actually thought it was demonic.
I was saved after writing a chrsitian inmate. My testimomy is really wild. A few days back I wrote my inmate freind and he asked me if I have fallen back into darkness. Whats that spose to mean? Drugs, the world, secular music, Im going to ask him what the heck he means by darkness. And Im gonna tell him to quit preaching to me. It triggers and triggers.
I want to gaze at the stars in wonder. I want to laugh and rejoice in good music, a comedy show, I want to visit puppies at the humane society and giggle at their goofiness. But sin, sin, punishment, death, obedience, denying self, laying down your life and letting down God are always in my brain. Talk about insanity!
Ive been robbed. and im MAD AS HECK.
I havent been able to put into words what I feel---its beyond words, but thats the gist of it. Loss of being carefree...
Didnt He come to give life more abundantly. Isnt His yoke easy and burden light. I feel chained, carrying heavy baggage and im pissed.
Peace