"Triggered" and Angry

[cryfreedom]

I had my first 'trigger' for a quite a while today. My step-family, well one of them in particular was responsible for a lot of grief in my life, and I got an email (that someone else in the family who doesn’t understand the extent of what we went through) thought I might like to read.

I believe that God opened my eyes to what was happening and led us out of this abusive relationship. How we handled things from there was not exactly textbook Chritsianity. I struggled along for a few years and went trhough all the substance abise, depression, loss of identity etc… questioned everything Christian and felt as though I had lost everything Christian

Meanwhile, these people just carried on, apparently solid in their faith, unaffected. 4 years later the husband is at Bible college looking to go out and preach as an itinerant or something. The mail I got was about a mission trip he is on as part of the training.

I was taken straight back to all sorts of crap. I was jealous, envious , angry, critical, judgemental, nasty you name it, I felt it. I started questioning where I am at in God, - all the same bad thoughts and stuff from 5 years ago just came straight back just like that. The Christian metaphors and language that were used,,,I just felt a wall go up, and then the questioning of my salvation etc, and when that happens I basically say "Whatever God" and start venting at Him.

I used to dream of similar things to what these people have their hearts set on. Now I am just celebrating that I am not abusing myself and that I think of God a lot, usually without getting mad. My bible sits idle. There is 1 church, and it is the only one with 150km. I don’t like the music and don’t really want to go , I can think of far more appealing ways to spend my weekend.

I don’t really like being this way. I find myself saying I am lazy, hiding behind some exaggerated claims of spiritual abuse to avoid facing God and 'doing' all the Christian things I should be. I see how my behavioural patterns prior to salvation (and still evident today in many ways) actually contributed to the problems. These people are nice people, with hearts for God, and I don’t think they ever sought to hurt me. It was their problems dumped onto me via 'discipleship'. They didn't know any better either.

I just wanted to offload, thanks. I am so angry and upset that all this crap is still rising up, although I am so much better physically and mentally than I have been for years. Angry at God too..that sucks.:(

I dont want to rely on anyone for comfort or to say "its ok, you're ok" I want out of this crap. I want to get throught it, I want contentment in God and I cant seem to find it,,,I thought I had it a few years back, and now it seems I am still imprisoned by my own mind, some stupid experiences and a wondering "Who is this God" - I would probably drop the next person who tried to tell me. I want to know for real, 1 on 1 with Him, but I am not exactly beating down his door in prayer and fasting to find out either.

..sigh..

No more words.
:mad: :mad: :mad:

[Jerry]

I dont want to rely on anyone for comfort or to say "its ok, you're ok"

Sorry,,,,,,,,,,God didn't set it up that way,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,if we can't come to the realization that we need each other,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,how will we ever know that we need God ;) ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,or,If I wiped your tears would you push me away ???
Love Jerry

[Carmen]

Quote:
I don’t really like being this way. I find myself saying I am lazy, hiding behind some exaggerated claims of spiritual abuse to avoid facing God and 'doing' all the Christian things I should be. I see how my behavioural patterns prior to salvation (and still evident today in many ways) actually contributed to the problems. These people are nice people, with hearts for God, and I don’t think they ever sought to hurt me. It was their problems dumped onto me via 'discipleship'. They didn't know any better either.

(((cryfreedom)))

I can identify with that, and think that it is just one of many stages. It sounds like you know where your own problems are. Now you just have to find a way to work on them.

Going to a biblical counselor meant a lot of hard work for me (I went for a domestic problem), but brought a lot of clarity at least as far as what I see inside myself that wasn't so evident before counseling. I would like to apply that to the spiritual abuse situation too, am already doing it with at least inner success, even if there is no change in the external relationship with the spiritual abuser. A relationship takes two. At least I can work on myself - others are responsible for their own behavior and will have to do that or neglect themselves.

[cryfreedom]

:o
Thanks Jerry and Carmen,

I know people need people, I a, just frustrated, guess I mean that I want progress, breakthrough, you know, instead of going round the same old roads. I seem to get angry with this sort of trgger thing, transfer it toward God, and usually end up in places of sin that I wouldn't normally want to be, rebellion then back with my tail between my legs :confused: Then after a while aI am left to deal with the condemnation/conviction/consequences of my little tantrum..

thanks or your thoughts, I appreciate them

cryfreedom

[Jerry]

Dear Cryfreedom,,,,
In the spirit,,,,,there are several ways to go through life,,,,,,one of them is to be dragged through it kicking and screaming :eek: It's your choice :)
Love Jerry

[abbey]

((((cryfreedom))))

No great words of wisdom here. But I can relate. I am confused with God, the Bible is idle, confusion reigns.


Best of luck to you, TRULY!

Im never good with advice cause my experience was just a short time ago. I went to Church Sunday and wasnt rejoicing and all "into it"---Your not alone. Your honesty is cool. My best, once again.

[jane]

I know people need people, I a, just frustrated, guess I mean that I want progress, breakthrough, you know, instead of going round the same old roads

I have felt this way too. I think that the roads aren't really the same ones... I mean they're different every time we go down them...and we pick up new things every time....

there is a reason; a need; that we go down roads again...in my opinion.

Let yourself go down them...eventually you won't, when it is the right time to not.



I found that in my abusive experiences; people teach you that you are an idiot for going down roads again that don't appear productive or healthy. I think it is another way people don't let us heal....or don't want to deal with our pain...

I have found that EVERY thing our body and mind does tends to have a purpose...Denial protects us from not being able to handle too much pain at once...

I have a hard time reading that your trigger causes you to transfer your anger towards God...and leds you to sin.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. It is my opinion that God can handle your transfered anger just fine....

think of the scripture that speaks of him as being a perfect father...what more gifts He would give...right?

when my children transfer anger to me, I know what it is, and I still LOVE them and help them through the anger that they feel.

Anger, like denial is one of those things that serve a purpose.

I doubt it is sin to transfer anger onto God....and what ever you do in rebellion after...is self inflicted anger.

God, a perfect Father, can still LOVE you through that as well.

tail between your legs??? try to remember that there is therefor now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

Condemnation is taught by our abusers...........

((((HUGS TO YOU)))))

love,
jane

[Elisabeth]

Man, you spoke so much of what I've thought and what I've gone through! It does drive me nuts when I just need to vent and people give me "pat" answers. I feel like saying through gritted teeth "What the hell do you know?" :mad:

I do know God is patient with us, and we all can only heal at our own rate. People, especially ones who are close to us, don't like to see us hurt, so they try to rush us. But no one needs to be rushed. Always remember you're a worthwhile person, and bought by the blood.