Too high expectations? (long)

[Pinkie Pie]

Sometimes I wonder if my expectations on myself are too high or something.

Because of the spiritually abusive behavior I received from women in leadership at my old church, doing things with the women at my current church always creates a lot of anxiety in me. You'd think after 2 1/2 years of being at this church, which has extended me nothing but love and grace, that I would be to the point where I can actually enjoy myself on these outings. I always get excited about the outings but then when I actually participate, I am so "on guard" the whole time that I can't enjoy myself. It's like I become another person or something.

As long our women's fellowships are in the setting of the church, and there is a planned program, I am fine and enjoy myself. But if we all get together and go to the mall or go for ice cream or whatever, something that doesn't have any real structure to it, I become gripped with anxiety.

A group of us went on a short road trip last Friday, and I was all excited about it. But then when it came time to actually go, I was pretty much from the start battling all these thoughts - "You're getting on their nerves" "You don't talk enough" "You are talking too much" "The Pastor's wife is tired of you" "So and so is trying to boss you around" and I spent the day filtering every single thing that happened trying to decide if I was safe or not. I was miserable. I managed to relax intermittently and actually enjoy myself, then boom my guard would go back up.

I mean I could go on and on. By the end of the day, I was mentally exhausted and was basically forcing myself to pretend to have a good time. I was so ashamed of myself and convinced myself that everyone was disgusted with me that by Sunday service I had closed up totally. I relaxed by around the middle of the service, and those who I had gone on the outing with didn't seem to notice, but I keep feeling like I have failed and that something terrible is going to happen.

The thing that bothers me the most about it, is that my pastor's wife has worked very closely with me for these 2 1/2 years to help me feel accepted and loved, and she was on the trip and I was convinced that if she could tell what I was going through, that she would be so disgusted with me. But Sunday she was the same with me as always.

So now I don't even want to put myself through the mental torment anymore by going on these outings. No one ever expects me to go and there is no pressure to go or anything, I just keep going as some sort of therapy for myself or something, like the more I do it, the easier it will get.

But this last outing was a total disaster for me and they are going next month and I have already decided I am not going, I can't deal with it again. If I step back and take a breather will I miss out on something?

I think part of this stems from my old church, where it was drilled into us that if you missed any outing or any opportunity for fellowship, you never know when God had a blessing for you that day and you would miss out on it.

But it is so exhausting trying to figure stuff out. My brain is tired. So is my soul. :( :(

[Hope 98]

I'm sorry I didn't respond to this sooner. I can relate so well to everything that you're saying. I grew up with the message that NO ONE would ever really like me and that people who were nice were only being polite. Like you said, I talk too much, don't talk enough, I figured that I was unable to do anything but get on people's nerves. I have no advice. I feel that way less than I used to, but it's still there.

The hardest part is that the harder people try to be nice to me the less likely I am to trust them. I guess I have no idea how to recognize a healthy friendship. Then there are also the experiences that I've had with people who seemed so nice, and then suddenly became angry and mean.

It's a terrible double bind - the harder you try to get yourself free of it, the more tightly you're tied up in it. And it is exhausting!

I'll be praying for you.

[Pinkie Pie]

Thank you SO much for your response, Hope. You described EXACTLY what I feel. Just knowing that someone else experiences this makes me feel better and not like I'm some kind of freak.

You said you grew up with the message that people who were nice were only being polite. NOW I can put words to my feelings. That is how I have felt all my life! But until now I could never articulate it.

Which helps me understand why if someone who is usually very nice to me is in a bad mood or isn't all smiles and stuff when I am with them, that is "proof" to me that they really don't like me and the "good moods" they are in when they are around me is their politeness. You helped me so much, thank you. :)

[Jerry]

I was convinced that if she could tell what I was going through, that she would be so disgusted with me. But Sunday she was the same with me as always.


Dear PinkiePie,,,
Perhaps there would be an element of that because she has been working with you,but that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.Generaly speeking we don't get upset with people we don't love,we simply don't care.If we could know every unguarded comment ever made about us,and at the same time took these comments to heart,We would have no friends at all.Pinkie,,,,we feel understood by those who love us,and misunderstood by those who do not,and those feelings are probably realistic :D
Love Jerry

[Pinkie Pie]

You have a lot of wisdom, Jerry. Thank you for your insight. It always helps to see things from an objective person's viewpoint. :) Puts it in perspective for me.

[Reg]

.........I always get excited about the outings but then when I actually participate, I am so "on guard" the whole time that I can't enjoy myself. It's like I become another person or something.

............ But if we all get together and go to the mall or go for ice cream or whatever, something that doesn't have any real structure to it, I become gripped with anxiety.

..............I managed to relax intermittently and actually enjoy myself, then boom my guard would go back up.

..............I relaxed by around the middle of the service, and those who I had gone on the outing with didn't seem to notice, but I keep feeling like I have failed and that something terrible is going to happen.

But this last outing was a total disaster for me and they are going next month and I have already decided I am not going, I can't deal with it again. If I step back and take a breather will I miss out on something?

I think part of this stems from my old church, where it was drilled into us that if you missed any outing or any opportunity for fellowship, you never know when God had a blessing for you that day and you would miss out on it.

But it is so exhausting trying to figure stuff out. My brain is tired. So is my soul. :( :(

Hi Pinkie,

Does the word "Floating" or "Disassociation" sound familiar to you? If so, it's what most of us feel because our "Trust Muscle" has been severly injured. It causes us to have a condition known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (P.T.S.D.) We sort of exit emotionally when the situation becomes more than we can handle emotionally. It's like we want to be someplace else where we can have peace.

It's the fact that we have been deceived and betrayed by those we gave a lot of trust to. The symptoms of Betrayal are similar to those of Spiritual Abuse.

I'll post a separate thread on Betrayal. It's a problem solution sheet I put together for our church.

The book by Cloud/Townsend "Hiding From Love" is excellent to identify what this is like. It is the best book I've read to help me understand what was happening to me and how much I suffered from P.T.S.D. And that was after nearly three years of leaving my former church.

P.S. Don't rush it. Be patient with yourself. You have suffered a deep hurt at the centre of your being. It takes several years to come back to some sort of equilibium.

[Willow]

Pinkie,

I have had the same exact experience with unstructured church meetings. It's OK to take a break. I took a break and went on some medication. I don't go to church anymore, but have managed fairly well at my work parties lately.

Don't push yourself too hard.

HUGS
Willow

[Pinkie Pie]

Yup, "floating" is a good word for how I feel. I feel like I am floating or watching myself participate in the event. It's weird. And I start feeling like a caged animal, trying to find a place to hide.

I realize with some sadness that even those in my life who are safe and nurturing, will not fully understand what we experience. Thank God for this forum, for people who can read one or two lines and immediately identify with how it feels. That seems to make a lot of difference in the healing process.

PS: I'll look for your "Betrayal" post. Thanks for your encouragement. :)

[Pinkie Pie]

Pinkie,

I have had the same exact experience with unstructured church meetings. It's OK to take a break. I took a break and went on some medication. I don't go to church anymore, but have managed fairly well at my work parties lately.

Don't push yourself too hard.

HUGS
Willow


Hugs back. Thanks, I need to take an emotional breather, ya' know?

[Kerrin]

:confused: My doctor has been saying for ages I have post traumatic stress disorder. Yeah right! I thought that was for survivors of war!
Having read your posts,maybe there is some truth because I feel like each one of you could be talking to me.
Today I took the plunge, looked up a group that specializes in this and other anxiety disorders. I will go. I will be healed
Thankyou; esp Reg and Jerry (OH wise ones...................) ;) :p
Kerrin, (for those who don't know me , I tend to have a dry sense of humour, so if I ever offend please tell me!!! :o

[Satscout]

:confused: My doctor has been saying for ages I have post traumatic stress disorder. Yeah right! I thought that was for survivors of war!
And since when was trauma limited to "war"? IMO, most abuse survivors battle some degree or another of PTSD... as abuse would qualify as a kind of trauma...

Ten years ago... when I was a med student... before I left school sans degree...... I was on my psych rotation and talking with a PTSD patient... to whom I made the mistake of saying "I understand". He triggered, bad. Of course, AS a student, I was NOT permitted to tell him about my OWN background of abuse..... but I got to listen to HIM tell me how I could not POSSIBLY understand him and please don't EVER say that to him or anyone else ever again because it sounded like I was trying to be superior... *sigh*

If your DOCTOR is telling you this......... please listen......... taking this aspect into consideration may help with your healing....

(((((Kerrin)))))

Sharon