Afraid to trust

[underthemercy]

I was called out the darkness of the 1960's flower child confusion on May 7, 1969. Disillusioned with all the hype of communes, hallucinigenic and other drugs and all that went with the "new" philosophy, I came home and decided to go to church to please my mother. It was then that I really heard Jesus Christ call my name and tell me in so many words that I sensed in my spirit that He was the answer to all my wanderings and questionings and longings.

But...to my passionate desire to know really know this God, this Lovely Savior, was added many windswept doctrines I was not equipped to discern. Tossed and turned, yet determined to follow Jesus, I was drawn to an authoritative group which seemed to me to present in clear and precise steps the way to please God. I realize now that I had some need to depend on a spiritual authority. Maybe because I needed a father influence. I don't even know about psychology. It seems to me that it is built upon ideas of men who not only dismissed God,but also hated Him. How can we trust their reasonings? After many years of therapy...I am afraid. I am afraid to go to church. Which church? I am afraid of therapists? One was responsible for counseling me into one of the most devastating tramautic experiences of my life.

We gave over 15 years of our lives to this seminar ministry and our home church was the Houston connection, so we got the teaching from every angle. We even homeschooled oujr children in this way. I was told that I had demons and went through 15 years of exorcism with this group. Can you imagine what my children were exposed to? When I finally came to realize that the gap between my reality and the teaching was to great and left the church a broken, betrayed lump, I went into severe depression. Thus abandoning my children.

The story is so involved and complicated. We did try to find another church, but found, social clubs and clicks and pop psychology in the place of biblical exposition.

I am now almost unable to function. I started taking antidepressants in 1990 at the urging of a Christian Therapist to get through the issues! I am now unable to get off these meds or I go into suicidal depression. Crying constantly. I feel like I am now addicted to this meds. They only are effective for a length of time and then I have to try something else.

I know only one thing. Jesus Christ is truly the Son of the Living God, the creator and sustainor of the universe and He is my Savior and Friend, though I know Him from afar.

I have fallen into old sins to try to alleviate the depression. But God has graciously kept me alive.

I have no friends. I lost my life, identity and hope. My children have decided that there is no God except for my son.

Well, there it is. a brief observation of my grief.

Yet I am still Under the Mercy.

[Janice]

Welcome!

Your feelings are perfectly normal. It's EXTREMELY hard to trust when we've been hurt so much.

On anti depressants myself and I WOULD NOT go off of them for anything. They keep me "even".

God IS good, and loving, and merciful. He brought you here for a reason.

[Jerry]

I know only one thing. Jesus Christ is truly the Son of the Living God, the creator and sustainor of the universe and He is my Savior and Friend, though I know Him from afar.


Naw,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,He's not so far ;)
Love Jerry

[mary]

I know only one thing. Jesus Christ is truly the Son of the Living God, the creator and sustainor of the universe and He is my Savior and Friend, though I know Him from afar.

I have fallen into old sins to try to alleviate the depression. But God has graciously kept me alive.

I have no friends. I lost my life, identity and hope. My children have decided that there is no God except for my son.

Well, there it is. a brief observation of my grief.

Yet I am still Under the Mercy.

A fond and loving, Christian welcome to our forum, Underthemercy! :)

If you do know the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior and Friend, then that is all you need to know. You have everything you need. Your eternal life has already begun and you are clothed in His righteousness... :) :) :)

Your life and your identity are in Him. He is your Beloved. As for your children, there is always hope and I believe the Lord would have you pray for them, for by that means, He'll bless you and He'll also bless them...

I understand grief, loneliness and depression; I've been on anti-depressants and anxiety relievers since I was 16. If I were to post a capsule summary of my entire life on this board, anyone who read it would be absolutely appalled. (Not gonna do it... wouldn't be prudent...)

But 12 years ago, through His grace, mercy and love, the Lord saved me and -- He's not going to throw me back! He's keeping me -and, UTM, He's keeping you, too!!!! How wonderful that is! We suffer, we fall back into old thought patterns and back into the mindset that these weasels who abused us wanted us to have - but our Lord is faithful and He won't leave us there. No, His greatest joy is when we seek His face and remember that we are His.

May He give you His peace today, UTM, and grace in overflowing abundance.

Once again, welcome!

mary

[SpinningHead]

I know only one thing. Jesus Christ is truly the Son of the Living God, the creator and sustainor of the universe and He is my Savior and Friend...

Oh, Sweet UTM, I'm glad you're here.

If you only know one thing...up above is truly a really good one thing to know. It's the truest of anything true. The rest of the militant drilling of behavior and doctrine...well, it's crap. :mad:

You're very welcome here and I hope as you read through the threads, you might find some perspective and healing. Feel free to share anything you need to.

[SJPEERYVA85]

WOW UTM, I am so impressed with your writing ability while you are in such a state of mind!!! It is apparent to me that God has not left you on your own.
You have come to a good place here. Safe. Accepting. Loving. Kind.
Read, write, avail yourself of the teaching resources, stay and be healed!
We love and welcome you dear friend!

[DiligentLily]

Mercy, how sad you are! I am glad you have come here and I pray sincerely for your comfort. No matter how you feel, God has not abandoned you. As bad as things are for you, I know God loves you as His own beloved daughter and is bringing you through this pain to something wonderful on the other side, something that most other people never get to see. Trust in Him and that's all that you need.

[hoipoloi]

underthemercy, what a terrible terrible set of experiences you have had!

What can I say, I know how you feel (I too cannot trust anyone except my dear wife, who surely God has sent to me). But others not easy.

And as for preachers, sometimes I think that "all preachers lie: that is what they do!" but maybe this is a generalisation too far.

I have found this forum a great comfort: may you also find it so. The great comfort is that others have had and are having similar experiences, and the answers from all the others in this thread are excellent and very loving -- God is good and loving and not far off.

God bless.

:)

[Ladybug]

It is hard to trust. I know for me I have a difficult time trusting Pastors. and guys in general.

I went to a Pastor for counseling after being sexually assaulted. The Pastor told me to put it in the past and get busy serving the Lord. Take into consideration this Pastor was not trained in this area. He talked more to my Mom then he did to me. So I really felt like an outcast!:mad: This was back around 1981. There wasn't as much information and help available. So I stuffed and shut down emotional for 19 years. :(

So as the Lord led, I was able to go for Christian counseling about 4--5 years a go. I couldn't not of asked for a better counselor. I knew the Lord had me in the right place.

After 2 years of therapy. A job termination, a major episode with depression and moving back home. The Lord finally led me to the church that I am presently attending. I'm slowly reaching a level of being able to trust the Pastor.

One night in one of our classes, I shared about not being able to trust Pastors. Pastor G shared a very personal experience he went through before coming to know the Lord. It was his transparency that spoke volumes to me. To also hear him say to me, "I am so sorry for this pain you went through.":( I heard the sincerity and compassion in his voice. So as the group prayed for me. Pastor G gently placed his hand on my shoulder. For me to even be able to let a "male" get that close to me, is a major step!

But since that evening, I'm learning to trust Pastor G. I can accept an appropriate hug from him. This is major healing from the Lord :) It's awesome to see the Lord working and healing within me.

I don't know about all pastors as far as lying. I can assure you that Pastor G doesn't lie. I'm not putting him up on a pedestal either, because he is human, too. But to be under the leadership where the Pastor is very open and honest and to share how the Lord has and is working in his life is very encouraging to me. Pastor is no different than me. Pain is pain regardless of the type of package.

Someone mentioned something about Psychology. Unless psychology is filtered through the Bible it can only put a band aid on the problem. But when you use the Word of God, and allow the Lord to heal and restore. He doesn't put a band aid on the problem. He removes the pain and heals the wound with His love and grace. I know how He had worked within me and has restored and healed. Yes, the scars are there. But at least the wound is clean. :)

Continue to allow the Lord to heal with His truth and grace. :)

[jane]

people have already said so much........


welcome to our group.


jane

[Carmen]

((underthemercy))

Quote: I lost my life, identity and hope.

I don't think that my experiences can compare to yours, but God is teaching me now that he is my joy, since I will not be able to find it in other places in my life in the near future. Don't lose hope, as long as there is God there is always hope; he is your life, identity and hope, you won't find these things anywhere else, not even in a church though it might be a good one.

What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Job 6:11.

Where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me? Job 17:15.

But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Ps. 39:7.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Ps. 43:5.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. Ps. 62:5.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31.

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:5.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.

Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? Isaiah 2:22.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. Ps. 13:5.