Bizarre triangle

[Elisabeth]

A ''core issue" of some of the damage caused by the spiritual and sexual abuse came to surface in myself last night, and illustrated to me some of the complex issues I have with recovery and with my in-laws.
When Arnold and I married, I was out of the church, but there was still some ties between myself and the pastor. But when you go back to the roots of Arnold and my relationship -

I met Arnold in June of 1988, at the church, and it was September of 1988 that the pastor started coming on to me. The sexual relationship between me and the pastor only lasted until April of 1989, but I was still the pastor's "special friend"; he and I would confide in each other, and also talk about sexual stuff. Totally inappropriate. Arnold and I started going out in May of 1990, and became lovers in July or August. What followed was a bizarre triangle relationship, with me and Arnold together, yet I was still the pastor's "special friend" also. I didn't realize how inappropriately the pastor still was behaving towards me at that time; I felt that as long as I wasn't sleeping with him, I was okay. It was the pastor's jealousy of Arnold that caused me to realize that I shouldn't be at the church. Of course, the pastor cloaked it in spiritual terms, telling me that I shouldn't be sleeping with Arnold, and since he was my pastor, he wasn't supposed to approve of it. :eek: :eek: :eek:

So part of what I feel like, and have felt throughout my marriage (just so core I was afraid to face it) is that my in-laws have always been trying to re-establish the triangle. I feel like I have always been fighting to keep my sexual integrity. :mad:

[SpinningHead]

Only you can compromise your sexual integrity.
Everyone else is compromising theirs!!

You got yourself out of what you now see as an extremely hurtful and damaging situation. Nobody can put you back into that situation. You've decided you're out of it and you're going to stay out of it. If people around you can't accept that...hell with them! :mad:

[Elisabeth]

[QUOTE=SpinningHead;46405]Only you can compromise your sexual integrity.
Everyone else is compromising theirs!!

You're right. I have been taking some guilt upon myself while hearing them talk about him, but they are doing it knowing full well what happened. Since my mother in law is trying to get me to accept an unrepentant immoral "pastor" in the name of forgiveness, she really is compromising herself to a certain degree.

[DiligentLily]

Remember, Elisabeth, Jesus covers your guilt and you need not think of it any more. The only thing for you to do now is devote yourself to a strong, faithful marriage. Protect that marriage and your marital chastity--that's your job now. That means resisting the strange attempts by your mother-in-law to bring that pastor back into your life. Who knows what distortions are in her mind making her do this, but you see clearly, and she obviously doesn't.

I have spent many years feeling guilt for my affair. He and I ended up married and we are very happy, but I always felt the pressure from the abusive group, who seemed to want me to throw over my husband in some way and return to them, and submit to them instead of him. I realized that the only way to show my repentance for the affair was to have a really strong, faithful marriage now, not to sacrifice my husband to my old church. They may think that submission to them means submission to God, but they're wrong. My marriage is my first priority now. And for you, too.

[Elisabeth]

Remember, Elisabeth, Jesus covers your guilt and you need not think of it any more. The only thing for you to do now is devote yourself to a strong, faithful marriage. Protect that marriage and your marital chastity--that's your job now. That means resisting the strange attempts by your mother-in-law to bring that pastor back into your life. Who knows what distortions are in her mind making her do this, but you see clearly, and she obviously doesn't.
They are strange attempts! :eek: I was just thinking today of how if it had been any other man, my in-laws would not mention him at all. If it had been any other pastor, there would have been a lot of "What an immoral person! I would not ever go to his church, and will warn my friends not to, either!" But since it was their pastor its "Forgive, put it all in the past, and accept him as a pastor again?!" :mad: Total double standard.

[SpinningHead]

They are strange attempts! :eek: I was just thinking today of how if it had been any other man, my in-laws would not mention him at all. If it had been any other pastor, there would have been a lot of "What an immoral person! I would not ever go to his church, and will warn my friends not to, either!" But since it was their pastor its "Forgive, put it all in the past, and accept him as a pastor again?!" :mad: Total double standard.

They are making it about them and not what happened. Think about it...what morals/ethics would they have to live up to if they really admitted what he did and what it means!!! They'd have to admit they are following not a "man of God"...but a total narcissist!!! They'd have to admit they weren't "Spiritual" enough to see him for what he is!! They can't admit they were/are wrong about him...what would the ramifications mean if they had to admit that?? :eek:

Don't for one second let them make what happened to you about them! k??

[Elisabeth]

They are making it about them and not what happened. Think about it...what morals/ethics would they have to live up to if they really admitted what he did and what it means!!! They'd have to admit they are following not a "man of God"...but a total narcissist!!! They'd have to admit they weren't "Spiritual" enough to see him for what he is!! They can't admit they were/are wrong about him...what would the ramifications mean if they had to admit that?? :eek:

Don't for one second let them make what happened to you about them! k??
That's actually a lot like one counselor said to me, but in different words. I think sometimes my mother-in-law especially "lifts him up" around me to try to show me that he's not such a bad person, not such a bad pastor, and she's totally justified in keeping following him. I'm not sure if it's guilt or fear that she's feeling deep inside, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the two. I think she knows she's wrong for following him, but in denial, and trying to put me into the "fantasy world" she's created. :(

[SpinningHead]

That's actually a lot like one counselor said to me, but in different words. I think sometimes my mother-in-law especially "lifts him up" around me to try to show me that he's not such a bad person, not such a bad pastor, and she's totally justified in keeping following him. I'm not sure if it's guilt or fear that she's feeling deep inside, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the two. I think she knows she's wrong for following him, but in denial, and trying to put me into the "fantasy world" she's created. :(

The more you refuse to go back to that kind of thinking...the more you're shining a light on her decision to live in denial and she will turn on you for it.

You have to be strong about your boundaries b/c mothers/MILs won't believe you when you say, "NO! I'll not be a part of X any longer and if you choose to be a part of that...you'll do so without me". You have to repeat, repeat, repeat until they get it!! It's not easy. It won't be pretty. BUT you have to for your own sanity's sake. You have to trust that you are indeed strong enough to survive this and gain whatever wisdome and insight this part of your life has to offer.

[Jerry]

I feel like I have always been fighting to keep my sexual integrity. :mad:

Dear Elisabeth,,,,
Looks to me like that feeling is a pretty accurate reflection of reality,,,,,,,,,,it is a "Battle" worth waging I think ;)
Love Jerry

[SJPEERYVA85]

"i was just thinking today of how if it had been any other man, my in-laws would not mention him at all. If it had been any other pastor, there would have been a lot of "What an immoral person!" "
I wish I could figure out how to do that quote box you all use. Anyway...I know what you mean Lizzy! It's scarey how some people are so persuasive. THe pastor i had at one time had so much hold over people, I wonder how they do it. Do they know what they are doing? Is this kind of power something that comes naturally or do they have to learn it? It reminds me of the kind of power someone like Hitler had. Really scarey stuff!!!!

[Jerry]

It's scarey how some people are so persuasive. THe pastor i had at one time had so much hold over people, I wonder how they do it. Do they know what they are doing? Is this kind of power something that comes naturally or do they have to learn it? It reminds me of the kind of power someone like Hitler had. Really scarey stuff!!!!

Yes,,, it seems that there are those who have some power that we little understand,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Genisis 6 vs. 4-5 :eek:
Love Jerry

[DiligentLily]

I wish I could figure out how to do that quote box you all use!!

Peery, just look at the bottom of the window you want to quote and you'll see a 'quote' button. That will automatically create a reply with the whole thing coded and ready to go. You can delete the parts of it you don't want. You can also hit the 'preview post' button in your reply before posting to see if it looks right.

[Elisabeth]

It's scarey how some people are so persuasive. THe pastor i had at one time had so much hold over people, I wonder how they do it. Do they know what they are doing? Is this kind of power something that comes naturally or do they have to learn it? It reminds me of the kind of power someone like Hitler had. Really scarey stuff!!!!

I think it's a combination of being able to find people's vulnerabilities, able to act nice, and having no problem with lying to get control over people.

[underthemercy]

So part of what I feel like, and have felt throughout my marriage (just so core I was afraid to face it) is that my in-laws have always been trying to re-establish the triangle. I feel like I have always been fighting to keep my sexual integrity. :mad:[/QUOTE]

I must say that my experience with triangulation was in my immediate family with mother, aunt and grandmother. I learned to stop that dance step by saying no to running messages from one to the other. I think the pastor may be pressuring your inlaws with his sugary, sweet revisionism of the relationship he had with you. Wolves in sheeps clothing like to hide their predatory nature in spiritual language. Don't dance with your in-laws. Make it clear that your loyalty is to your husband. Being under the teaching of this man would only cause confusion. God is not the author of confustion.

You can trust yourself with the uncomfortable feelings you had when in relationship with this pastor. Adultery doesn't necessisarily have to be physical as Jesus said to look upon another with that kind of lust is considered adultery. Run, run, run from this charlatan.

That is my advice. It is so easy to rationalize these things. I have gotten myself into deep pain and woundedness through this process. God's Word is still our only safe ground. Solo Scriptura.

I am sorry you had to endure this at the hands of the Church. This is so alarming to me. And I have had a few discussions with God about letting these things happen to us in His Church. But I am sure there are sufficient warnings in scripture from the very beginning of the Church that enemies of the Cross had already infiltrated and caused confusion among the brethren. I believe we must be Berean's when we hear spiritual teaching and search the Scriptures to see if these things be so.

Love and Grace to You, may we all remain
Under the MERCY