A survivor

[Elisabeth]

I was in a spiritually abusive church until sixteen years ago. The pastor was like God in that church; everything in that church had to go through him, and he had to know the details of everyone's lives. But most people thought he was really anointed by God, including me. He was also my best friend's father. He would talk to me, listen to my problems, and I thought he was the most godly man around. So it came as a total shock when he started coming on to me. He convinced me that a sexual relationship with him would be healing for me; like a little dummy, I believed him. This church was also where I met my husband. By the time my husband and I married, I was out of that church, and out of the relationship with the pastor, but sorting out what is and is not biblical has been a struggle. My in-laws still go to that church, and my mother-in-law still looks at that man like he is God. She knows that he led me into an abusive sexual relationship, yet she chooses to believe that all had been forgiven long ago. This man continues to say that what happened was no big deal. So every time I go to my in-laws I have to hear about that church, and that pastor.:mad: I feel uncomfortable, then feel guilty about feeling uncomfortable, like I was being unforgiving or something. Whenever I say that I don't want to talk about him, they accuse me of being unforgiving.:mad: But I just realized something this week. This man taught me a bunch of unbiblical stuff, and tricked me into having sex with him; since I am a Christian wife I am supposed to feel uncomfortable when they are singing his praises. I mean, if I didn't feel uncomfortable, it would show that I didn't really care about following God, or about morality . . . wouldn't it?:confused:

[DiligentLily]

But I just realized something this week. This man taught me a bunch of unbiblical stuff, and tricked me into having sex with him; since I am a Christian wife I am supposed to feel uncomfortable when they are singing his praises. I mean, if I didn't feel uncomfortable, it would show that I didn't really care about following God, or about morality . . . wouldn't it?:confused:

Yes, you are supposed to feel all kinds of bad things when you remember that church and that man. But not guilty. Christ has taken that burden on for you, so let go of that one. But as you sort out all the muck he shoveled at you, you're probably going to feel angrier and angrier. And yucky, and betrayed. As my counsellor told me this week, it's not in the past and forgiven for you until you work it all through. Only then can you let it go. So don't bury what you're feeling. Try to understand it.

[DiligentLily]

And welcome to the forum! I just saw that you joined just today. You're going to meet lots of terrific people here.

[Elisabeth]

Thanks, Diligent Lily. I was just reading another thread where people were talking about forgiveness, and how one person said something along the lines of if one more person said she needed to forgive, she was going to scream. That's the way I feel. I have forgiven the man, but it would be detrimental to both my marriage and my Christian walk if I go to his church again, even for a visit, let alone accept him again as pastor!

[butterfly]

Thanks, Diligent Lily. I was just reading another thread where people were talking about forgiveness, and how one person said something along the lines of if one more person said she needed to forgive, she was going to scream. That's the way I feel. I have forgiven the man, but it would be detrimental to both my marriage and my Christian walk if I go to his church again, even for a visit, let alone accept him again as pastor!

Welcome Elisabeth,


He did a horrid thing to you. I bet you are not the only one that he has done this to.

To me to forgive means. I have forgiven someone who has wrong me. I have parden the person from that wrong.

The slate is clean. So If I choose not to go to that church, Talk with the abusers ect.

I may do that because I have the right to protect myself from more abuse.

Forgiveness can become a twisted word and can snap right back to the one who was wrong.

Your mother in-law has a narrow mind. All she sees is her" GOD"Pastor
People like her don"t have common since to see the horrid abuse in front of them.

I know people like that . I have been told like you I have an unforgiving heart.

I forgave they forgot that.

Oh I forgot forgiveness to them means shut up , it wasn"t that bad.

When you forgave you must love the abusers not talk about them.

Oh the hush hush up game. Hmmmmmmmmmsorry I don"t play that game anymore.

I am glad you don"t either Elisabeth.

I have said to myself this."I have forgiven. Now the Lord wants me to be safe. I no longer have to be with those people."
butterfly lshirely

[Jerry]

Thanks, Diligent Lily. I was just reading another thread where people were talking about forgiveness, and how one person said something along the lines of if one more person said she needed to forgive, she was going to scream. That's the way I feel. I have forgiven the man, but it would be detrimental to both my marriage and my Christian walk if I go to his church again, even for a visit, let alone accept him again as pastor!
Dear Elisabeth,,,,
A very astute and discerning observation on your part,,,,,,contrary to what is taught in abusive Churches,,,,,,,"Forgiveness" does NOT equal "Reconsilation"......To reconcile there must be an atmosphere of "Repentance"(change of heart) ....This "Pastor" committed an obscenity against your spirit,a spirit given to his charge!!!,and mitigates the behavior as "No big deal" ????? It doesn't matter if you have forgiven him or not ,,,,,thats the least of his problems :mad: He is "Unrepentant" and shall NOT be forgiven in this life or in the next.......He SHALL give account of it :mad: The disposition of his soul in not in your control,,,,,,and Christ is "Glaring" and "Beating His Fists" at him...................
Love Jerry
P.S. By the way WELCOME ,,,,,,,,,,,how rude of me :o

[jane]

Elisabeth-

welcome to our group.

OK, Let me get this strait; you are the same age of his daughter and he molested you-

AND YOUR INLAWS still attend the church??????????????


Something is wrong with your inlaws baby.........WHEW!

IF MY SON'S WIFE WAS MOLESTED BY AN ADULT, I WOULD FAR FROM BE SINGING HIS PRAISES AS A GODLY MAN!

I don't care if the physical act was ONLY a kiss on the lips....the sexual boundary is the sexual boundary!

What does you husband say? Does he know how you feel when his parents talk? Can you ask them not to? Can he?

You might consider then strengthening the boundary lines when you can. Like, " since you need to talk about this pastor after I have indicated how painful it is for me to do so..... it is time for me to leave. When you can respect my feelings to let me heal on my own time.......by being quiet about this pastor, then I'll be around."

Do you have children??? I would certainly not leave them with this couple as they are apt to not protect them from this man.

Once a child molester, always a danger to children....and with their point of view.....your children will be an easy target.

HUGS to you and welcome to our group.

Just wondering, if one of your friends was telling you this story as if it were their story- how would YOU counsel them to deal with their in laws?

love,
jane

[jane]

Sometimes I have given people back their own christian language...because they don't seem to understand us when we talk plain:p


Maybe you could say, with a sweet smile and glazed over eyes like you just got hit by the Holy Spirit, " I've been praying about this for years and I just had a revelation that I believe may be from God....

You're right, I need to come to a place of forgiveness, you know the Lord showed me exactly that! He showed me that when you bring up this pastor's name that you are putting a stumbling block in my path. This is so hard for me to tell you, but I believe that the Lord really wants me to tell you to take this issue to Him so that He can have his way with me in this area.

I really feel that if you can't stop bringing up that pastor, I am going to have to distance myself from you so that I can be obedient to God and come to a place of healing......"


:D :D :D


now don't get mad at me, ask yourself, IF YOUR STORY WERE SOMEONE ELSE'S, DON"T YOU THINK YOU WOULD BELIEVE THAT OUR LORD WOULD WANT THEM PROTECTED FROM THESE PAINFUL INFLICTIONS???

You are after all, God's precious child. He is a more perfect father than your own, so what size gun do you think He'd pick up and point in that pastor's face??????


love,
jane

[InTheory]

Elisabeth, welcome!!! :)

I'm so sorry for what you've been through-I really can't add much to what has already been said (because it's RIGHT ON), except to say this...you don't owe that bastard ANYTHING...He abused power, and to Jane's point, is a molester. He is the vilest of human beings, and the "anointing" that he seems to have is only the power that he sucks from others (like a vampire).

The only thing that you "owe" him is to despise and repulse him, and to stay far away...!

:)

Take care of yourself!

-Dan

[Elisabeth]

Thank you for all the kind words! I was actually an adult when that happened, but just barely. I think the thing that's wrong with my in-laws is they are sucked so hard into the spiritually abusive situation, with the pastor acting like he had a special anointing, they can't see the truth. I know after my husband told my mother-in-law what happened she told him that shortly before my husband and I were married, when my mother-in-law was busy taking care of her first husband who was dying of cancer, the pastor went up behind her one day, started rubbing her shoulders, and said "What I wouldn't give to have you taking care of me!" She said that she wondered if the pastor was coming on to her, then decided that was just her imagination. She said after my husband told her what he did to me, she started wondering if it was her imagination. Since she decided to keep going to that church and singing the man's praises, she must have decided it was her imagination. Talk about how blind a person can be! I liked the line about the only anointing he has is what he can suck from a person, like a vampire.

[SpinningHead]

A huge big fat welcome to our forum!!!

I'm not one to condone violence...but someone should kick that pastor's ASS!! (and I use the work "pastor" loosely!) And what the hell is wrong with your in-laws???? :mad: (Never mind, I have evil in-laws myself).

If you need to forgive anyone...it's is yourself. Am I reading in your first post that you have negative feelings towards yourself for being "tricked" by that pastor? Honey, you are a victim. :( He is a pervert! :mad: It seems like you are really sorry for being stuck up in that mess and you deserve to forgive yourself. He on the other hand is NOT sorry! :mad: "NO BIG DEAL!" MY BUTT!!! :mad: He's not annointed!! He's perverted!!! And so is anyone who thinks what he did was no big deal or it's in the past. Freaks!

I get so mad when victims are left alone with their pain and no one cares or validates what they've been through.

I'm glad you're here and I hope that you can find some answers on this forum.

[SJPEERYVA85]

Welcome from another new person!
And ditto to everybody else here concerning this evil wolf in sheeps clothing. Reading about this creep makes me feel sick. And don't worry everyone, he is going to get his judgement unless he repents in sack cloth and ashes so to speak. He is in so much trouble!!!!
As for you Elizabeth, God is so in love with you. He got you out of there!!! You are tenderhearted and that makes life rough sometimes. I know from personal experience. I pray that God will heal you. And that He will surround you with brothers and sisters that are truely His.

[jane]

Thank you for all the kind words! I was actually an adult when that happened, but just barely.



BUT you are still his daughter's age---- so there IS something really WRONG here....


And if you were an equal to him in age....he is still a pastor........

There are certain professions that are not supposed to cross that line because of the dynamic of the relationship---pastor is one of them.

love to you,

jane

[Voyager]

These pastors always work overtime to brainwash their victims into thinking something abusive is okay... possibly even "God's will". But to me, this type of sexual and spiritual abuse is no different than the Catholic priests who had sex with altar boys. What's wrong is wrong, and what is corrupt is corrupt - there are no acceptable forms of abuse.

:(

[mary]

I know after my husband told my mother-in-law what happened she told him that shortly before my husband and I were married, when my mother-in-law was busy taking care of her first husband who was dying of cancer, the pastor went up behind her one day, started rubbing her shoulders, and said "What I wouldn't give to have you taking care of me!" She said that she wondered if the pastor was coming on to her, then decided that was just her imagination. She said after my husband told her what he did to me, she started wondering if it was her imagination. Since she decided to keep going to that church and singing the man's praises, she must have decided it was her imagination. Talk about how blind a person can be! I liked the line about the only anointing he has is what he can suck from a person, like a vampire.

Beth, I have some news for your mother-in-law. Had she but only turned around while "pastor" was rubbing her shoulders, towards him, he would have been "off to the races" - with HER. :mad: :eek: I am not kidding. Then she'd be yet another one he would have violated. Believe me: I "know whereof I speak." It wouldn't have mattered one whit to him that there her husband was, dying of cancer. He'd have gone for it... And where then would she be now? Why can she not see that 2 John 9-11 apply to her?

Nuts!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: I need to simmer down...

mary

[Elisabeth]

I just talked to a good Christian friend on the telephone, and she gave me some really good advice. She told me that when my in-laws start "talking up" their pastor, to just leave the room. :D She told me that it would be a good time for a drink, to use the bathroom, see how things are going in the yard, etc. I see that as very empowering! :D I always feel helpless when they start that up, like "Here we go again." That's a way to start "cutting out the helplessness." :D

[Jerry]

I just talked to a good Christian friend on the telephone, and she gave me some really good advice. She told me that when my in-laws start "talking up" their pastor, to just leave the room. :D She told me that it would be a good time for a drink, to use the bathroom, see how things are going in the yard, etc. I see that as very empowering! :D I always feel helpless when they start that up, like "Here we go again." That's a way to start "cutting out the helplessness." :D

I have another idea,,,,,if this is taking place in YOUR home....You calmly face them and say,,,,,,,,"LOOK !!!!!! This man that you so loved ,,,,sexually abused me,,,,,did horrible damage to me and my family,,,,THE MAN IS A RODENT !!!!!,,,,,,,if you are going to persist in belaboring this subject,,,,don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of my house !!!!! NOW,,,,WHAT'S it gonna be ???????"................That's what I would say ;) But hehehehe I am a nut :eek:
Love Jerry

[Elisabeth]

Nah, we are usually the ones who visit them. I'm not at the point where I want to cut ties with them; they are under that man's mind control influence, and are victims of SA themselves, but I am at the point where I realize that I don't have to put up with constantly being reminded of the horrible abuse I've suffered.

[mary]

I'm with Jerry. We're not saying that you permanently cut ties with your in-laws, but you definitely need a break from them. I've done this with family members with whom I reached an impasse over some disagreement or other. (Most striking one: several years ago, my father beat my alcoholic, organically brain-damaged mother to death and everyone else - 4 siblings, cousins, etc. - likes to cover it up, gloss it over, whatever. At the time, I tried to get the police and the state dept. of social services involved, and their initial investigation disclosed that my father had broken many of her bones over the years, etc., but he used attorneys and other resources at his disposal to cover everything up. When my siblings start talking about him (he died 4 years ago and I skipped his funeral), I either leave the room or I leave them alone for about six months. Seems to work.)

Beth, you desperately need a break from these people. Please, please take it!

Love,

mary

[Voyager]

One thing is for sure, that church is dysfunctional. Anyone who is involved in it is going to have some level of dysfunction in them. Your in-laws are obvioulsy still codependent on this abuser, and therefore they are caught up in his web of dysfunction. I can only imagine your anger and frustration when you listen to them praise this abusive psychopath.

Maybe you could do like what your friend said? Just leave the room. Or better yet, do something that equally annoys your in-laws. Find something that bothers them and do it when they do this thing that bothers you. That way they will eventually stop doing it because they don't want to be annoyed by what you do when they start praising this lunatic.

A few things that come to mind are squirting them in the face with a water pistol or setting off a stink bomb. LOL - just kidding! Jerry is starting to rub off on me.

:D :D :D

[Elisabeth]

What really gets me is how "Christian" everybody supposedly is, all the while defending one who taught, and did, the exact opposite of what Christainity really is! :mad: :mad:

It's not even so much the fact that the church and the pastor are mentioned, as much as he is defended and "lifted up." :mad: It should be Christ that's lifted up!

[Jerry]

A few things that come to mind are squirting them in the face with a water pistol or setting off a stink bomb. LOL - just kidding! Jerry is starting to rub off on me.

:D :D :D

Watch it fella !!!!!! I resemble that :mad: :o

[Elisabeth]

Mom in law tends to be a very co-dependant person, needful of people's approval. I'm starting to wonder if she keeps trying to shove this church and pastor down my throat to "prove" to me the church and pastor aren't so bad, so I will change my mind and start approving of her staying there. I can't approve, though, and what's more, she's pushing me further away from her with the way she's acting! :( Okay, this SA pastor has encouraged this co-dependant person he's great and she needs him to survive spiritually, but she's got to learn that I love her even if I can't stand her pastor! But she might not ever learn. :(