Living with the Church

[Lamisa]

I was thinking about how many of you mention "trigger" points and those things and activities that remind you of your past abusive situations, I don't know if many of yours were like mine, but I actually lived in a home owned by the church with many other women (no less than 5 at any given time, max was 13 including some children), I ended up in leadership in that house, but the control was as specific as the way the tablecloth was laid out and the way dishes were placed in the dishwasher. So, today I am cleaning at my mom's house(where I am staying) and washing the dishes and I'm like "nope, knives can't go in the dishwasher" and it was like, oh my gosh, my whole life has been molded into their little rules.
Its crazy. I left a message with a local counselor yesterday and am waiting for a call back. I asked them if they have any experience with this type of thing, so we will see.
Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else had a residential type of situation that they have come out of with the church. It was pretty intense ya know? I lived there for two years. Anyway... I am just trusting that each day will be better than the last.
I am getting married tomorrow and having a small honeymoon over the weekend (financially we are a little low having had to leave our jobs and move out of state) so any prayers regarding the wedding and just being able to enjoy being together would be greatly appreciated. I am so excited to be marrying my best friend, and am just trying to press through and not allow this to hang a heaviness over this special time.
Thank you guys for all of your input and sharing your experience with me!

[Jo Jo]

Yes, I do... My last experience was in a home based church, or home group church. Many think they are ideal compared to a large institutional church. The time before that the large institutional church I was in went wacky. Both can go way off track. There can be a happy healthy place in both places, I think... if we just don't expect too much and keep our eyes on God and not let church be an addiction. Which is really hard to do when it is a home based church, because they are our families our friends - where we worship, everything. It can be a very dangerous place then to keep a good balance. It certainly was for me.

My home group church started off well, but then turned isolated, controlling and abusive. I'm sorry that you suffered at the hands of your home church. :( Many things like what you experienced will trigger you now, that is normal.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding and a beautiful honeymoon. Enjoy the life and freedom God intended for us all to have. He wants us to have life and that more abundantly. :) Bless you.

[jane]

no, I didn't reside with my church.

I may as well have.

Everyday after work, we went to the church. All day Saturday, all day Sunday.

We were only home to sleep and shower....

and if there was a free moment off, well, it was spent in fellowship at my house or anothers' with others from our church.

Many days waking up at 5am to get to the elder's home half hour a way to watch his children for him for the entire day.

Summers spent all camping at the same place together for the entire summer.

Moved to this town to be closer to the church and their vision.

Everyone lives in this town and seems like I can't shop or go out without bumping into someone....so I try to shop when I know they are having services :p


I found that time heals things. The triggers get less. I could be wrong, but I remember being pretty emotionally volatile when I first found this forum. I'd like to think that I got less reactive to triggers as time went on.........and after I vented and got the pain and anger out. At least it doesn't feel as bad as it used too, I don't feel as angry and painful as I did....people can correct me if I am wrong.

My daughter was one when we left. She'll be four in May....I almost forget things from there now. When my husband and I remember something, now a days we laugh! "Oh that is how we did it when we were in............. THANK GOD WE ARE OUT OF THAT PRISON!"


Good luck with your marriage- and enjoy your time as newly weds....it is an awesome time in marriage.

welcome to our group,

jane

[Jerry]

Dear Lamisa,,,,
As you continue in recovery,,,,try not to focus too much on how you feel at any given moment in time ;) Where you are,,,,,,,,,is not nearly as important as where you are going.......Walk the path of getting better,,,,feelings follow progress :D
Love Jerry

Hehehehe P.S. Not putting Knives in the dishwasher isn't a bad idea,,,,,,,Dishwasher dulls the hell out of ours LOL

[InTheory]

Lamisa, congratulations on your marriage! Wow!

Believe me, you and your love will have A LOT to talk about-probably for years to come-but you are both strong and brave.

We love and admire you here! :)

-Dan

[DiligentLily]

Lamisa, I sort of had your experience. In our church everybody was 'encouraged' to move into the neighborhood around the church. I lived with no less than three, actually four different families at different times when I was there (I was single then.)

Then my best friend and I became roommates, and that's when she turned from a friend into a crazy manipulative controlling judgmental b****. I remember an incident about the dishes :mad: . To this day, I often find myself wondering if she would approve of this little thing or that little thing I do. That was 13 years ago. :(

[Voyager]

I remember a married couple at my former church who built a beautiful new home out in the country. It was everything they ever dreamed of. The husband and his father, both good carpenters, built the home in the evenings and weekends, and saved over $100,000.00 in labor costs. Then one day the wife decided that God was calling them to sacrifice their beautiful new home to move across the street from the church into an older home in order to be "closer to God". Due to pressure from the pastor telling them, "If God has spoken to you, then you'd better move on it", they sold their home quickly at a loss and bought the older home across from the church in a rundown area of $40,000.00 homes. One year later the pastor was terminated due to the abuse (that I and others exposed), and the church dropped from 475 members down to 50 members and changed the name.

I haven't heard from this couple ever since I left the church. The last I heard, they were having marriage problems.

:(

[Jo Jo]

I keep a safe space between me and any kind of church now. I find that is a safe way for me at this time. I've discovered there are a world of other things... good things... out there for me to experience. I had put my head in a church hole and wasn't paying attention before.

I do attend a nice little church, though, but not like my life depends on it... Jesus saved me, church doesn't. And, gosh, God still loves me and lightening bolts haven't hit me. :rolleyes: ;) :D There is a good balance to life now.

[Henry777]

I think if it was up to my former pastor, he would have everyone live in church. He would even praise those who are constantly involved in every ministry they can get into even if it meant neglecting their own families. He would even equate ones love for God to how often they are in church. The ones who are in church the most are the ones who are giving their best to God. What you have is a bunch of people trying to out serve one another just to hear the pastor say how they have been a blessing to others and that God would bless them for their faithfulness in church.

God was just a means to an end which is to build the pastor’s empire.