Anyone here?

[LadyLavender]

Hello people, i'm back for a moment.
Are any of you near Lithonia/Conyers Georgia? I wish someone was close that I could meet for coffee or just talk to sometimes on the phone. Lithonia/Conyers is about 16-20 miles east of Atlanta, Georgia.
Anyways. A friend called me yesterday and told me about a job opportunity. She said it was just answering phones like a receptionist. So I figured "I can do that" my strength is really not high these days. Anyhow I went today on that interview and discovered its a lot more than just answering phones. They want a book keeper/accountant type person. Someone to do pay role and all these things. I have absolutely no experience doing that. I felt like the biggest loser ever. I just wonder when all of this will end. Since i've been out of work for so long its just hard to jump right back in again. I came home completely exhausted. I mean so exhausted mentally i had to go lie down. I mean, when will I get my strength back? When does the slump go away? I don't understand what God is doing? It never makes any sense to me.
LadyLav :confused: :(

[Jerry]

Hey!!!!!!! I REMEMBER YOU!!!!!! :D
Welcome to the new software Lady....I see from your post you have been having some rough sledin...Just keep posting Lady L. Somebody here will know how to lift you up ;)
Love Jerry

[Oopsie Daisey]

Hey Lady Lavendar:

I don't think we had the opportunity to meet but I am going to say hello and let you know I see your post. Glad your here.

Melanie

[Doug64]

Hi Lady Lavender:


You have probably hears the saying about making lemonade out of lemons.
That's how I'd approach the job thing; though it's not what you thought it was, maybe they are willing to train you.

Another saying is - it's always darkest before dawn.

No one know what God is doing. He allows many things which we don't understand.
All things work together for good to those who love Him, though, so it will come out okay in the end.

Doug

[Emerging]

Another saying is - it's always darkest before dawn....
....and brightest during the explosion...

Ok, I couldn't resist ... and I remember you! You are that wonderfully delightful lady with so much humor and zest! Even if you are feeling a little low right now, I remember thinking how you had such an enthusiasm for living that nothing would ever get you down for good. So you WILL bounce back ... when the time is right.

Until then, have you registered at any temp services? Sometimes they are a Godsend and if you wanted to, you could maybe ask around to find one/some that friends can recommend as legit. You take tests, it can take a few hours to register and test at just one of them .... but then they will look for jobs that match your skills. I think you have to be moderately persistent with them.... and do you know about Monster.com? They have all sorts of jobs listed nationwide. I know that right now it's real hard getting a new job, but whatever is the right path for you will come through I know. Hang in there and prayers for you!!! Post more when you have time! :)

[LadyLavender]

Thanks for all the kind posts.
I come back here every once in a while.
Today in my dance class the teacher invited me to go to church with her tomorrow. She is very nice but immediately i started panicking and feeling crazy. I wanted to say no but i said yes instead. And then I felt guilty for it. She was asking me what I wanted to do, and what were my passions. And how could I tell her that I have no desires. That I have no passion. That I am a walking corpse? People never listen to you anyways. Thats what got me so frustrated. I tried to tell her that I was waiting on the Lord but she started saying how I needed a church home and that I needed to be under a covering. And I could just feel my blood start to boil. She's very nice but I was triggering right before her eyes and I had to reign it in. And this was at the beginning of class! So the rest of the class I was just completely miserable.
So I've decided i'm going to call her and tell her no that I won't go. I can't stand church. I am not comfortable going. And I hope I will say it in a way that she is not offended but that she gets the POINT and leaves me be.
*Sigh*
cried all afternoon :( But I won't be coerced. I can see it all now. It starts off like this and then she'll be trying to evangelize me as if i'm unchurched. I'm trying to get delivered from church!

Crystal
crystal

[Emerging]

Hi again Lady! But I'm sorry to hear of your triggering in class ... where I'm sure you went to feel HAPPY, not TRIGGERED! sigh!!! And all the resultant crying? You are lucky to be able to feel your feelings so well, and bless your heart for understanding that she's been tricked into thinking that she must save everyone around here "Or Else...." .... that rot just really stinks, doesn't it? :(

Good for you for calling back to Just Say No, thankyou, but NO, to her! That is great and I hope you feel peace afterwards, and even some joy for standing up for yourself like that! :)

Thank you most of all for pointing out
"I wonder sometimes, what its like to be buried alive... oh wait... I already know."

Ain't it the truth?? Just today I was realizing that I have no real underlying zest for life (unless I'm just having a bit of a depressive spot today...) ... but I've given up all the things I used to do for fun. == But they were fun for the person with all the trauma still buried. Who *am* I, really, now that so much stuff has come up and brought back with it more of my heart and soul ... who *am* I really, and what do I *truly* enjoy doing?

I've gotten soooo good at smushing down my feelings in order to make it this far in life ... that if it's not intense, I don't feel it.

At today's Daily Motivator, the writer, Ralph Marston said "Do you really want what you think you want? Or are you just following a borrowed dream? The world will suggest for you plenty of things to pursue. The trouble is, those things can't bring fulfillment. When following a dream that isn't even yours, there's no passion to propel you forward. Even when you do somehow manage to reach it, the prize will be empty if you never really wanted it. Stop listening to what the world says you should want. Start listening to who you are. Let yourself discover what truly brings you joy. Let yourself live, not to impress others, but to follow the values you hold most dear. Real success comes when you realize that the mere tokens of success have little meaning. Real success comes when you can be who you are."

Aint' that the truth, too?!!!

Just wanted to affirm that I totally emphathize how hard today was for you and that I hope you are doing better now. And to add that for me, I really need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! .... Though for us to have made it this far in life, this intact, ... that is quite the accomplishment there already. Take care and I hope your weekend ends on a great note! :)

[OldEnt]

Thanks for all the kind posts.
Thats what got me so frustrated. I tried to tell her that I was waiting on the Lord but she started saying how I needed a church home and that I needed to be under a covering. And I could just feel my blood start to boil. She's very nice but I was triggering right before her eyes and I had to reign it in.


The 'covering" sets all sorts of alarm bells off. Where do these dip s-- t's come up with that damnable crap! :eek:

THE ONLY COVERING ANY OF US NEED IS JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF!!!!

Who do those fools think they are putting themselves in Christ's place in someone elses life!!!

I will catagoricaly state:

There is no Scriptural warrant period for that kind of "covering" theology period! NOT A ONE!!!

Anytime anyone starts getting on any of you about that "covering" crap, you may tell them that Old Ent invites them to take a 20 mile hike west of the US Pacific shoreline.... I can't think of a curse good enough for that damnable garbage.... :( :( :(

Still steaming,

Old Ent

[Jerry]

Dear OldEnt,,,,
I am sorry/glad too to see I am not the only one whos clams get steamed around here :rolleyes: I just posted about scripture twisting,,,,,and this is another example of how that happens.There are approx 46 referances to some kind of covering in the Bible,,,,,and I am sure one of them contains an idium or figure of speech upon which the twisters hang their hat.The problem is you don't take a couple of verses here or there ,,,,,take them out of the context of their appearance and construct an entire theology around them.GOOD POST !!!!! Ent,,,,,,,,,,,thats one trigger you don't ever want to fix!!!! :D
Love Jerry

[LadyLavender]

Well in the continuing saga of my recovery this is what has happened. After battling with a spirit of weariness and depression, I went to a monastery not far from my home. I like it there because it is dead silent, the monks don't bother me and the grounds are well kept and I like to just be there. Quietly.So I went and layed out in the grass and stared at the sky and just cried. But I made the decision to call my teacher back and just explain my position. Because its not her fault that I trigger. And she is a very good dance teacher. And I realized also that she was just trying to be nice to me and share in her Good church experiences. So I went back home and called her. luckily she was not picking up the phone(ok i'm a coward also!) and I left a message. I just told her that I was not ready to go to church. To any church. But that I appreciate her inviting me, but that I must say no.
:D
And I tell you a huge weight rolled off of me and I felt so much better. I stood up for myself(kinda since she wasn't on the phone) And you know what? Its ok to say no. Why should everyone around me be happy and i'm torment inside because i can't exert myself in some instances? Its a hard lesson to learn but it felt good. :)
So wanted to share that with you.
:p
LadyLav

[Doug64]

Shucks Jerry, you just disallusioned me....my former church said "here a little, there a little" to prove a point. I think there are cases where this is true, but there is a lotta scripture twisitin' goin' on, too.


Doug

[Doug64]

Hi Lady L:


Glad you felt better after calling your instructor. I'm like you - I'd just as soon leave a message than have to get into a confrontation. This from a guy who was a purchasing manager. LOL!
I hated the situations where I had to call someone down. I had gotten such a reputation for being a nice guy that in the one or two instances where I sort of lost it, I totally shocked the person I was chewing out.

Doug :D

[Emerging]

Hi (((Lady)))! I am glad that you were able to honor yourself so well Saturday as well as honor that your teacher probably didn't want to upset you ... relationships are hard work sometimes!! But you did so great!! :) :) :D

[LadyLavender]

I hear ya Doug! It really STINKS. A few years ago I was a member of a performing arts touring group. And I did quite a few high profile things within our cast. Well we traveled for a year to 10 countries(YES this on TOP of spiritual abuse! It was shortly after returning home that I completely crashed and burned, and actually had to DEAL with the past AND that phenomenal year). Literally my body couldn't go anymore. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning(sometimes I still struggle with that!) i couldnt' hardly think. That's how hard this year had been. I'd done two six week apprenticeships, two six week internships, two lead roles, did all the MC-ing for our cast backtracking shows, did three high profile speaking engagements(one being the World Youth Day in Rome in front of 2 million people! :eek: ) The point i'm trying to make(not bragging) is this: I couldn't say NO! Everytime someone asked me to do something I did it. Even when I wanted to say "no, i'm tired. no i'm not feeling well today. NO, I'm already doing too much!" I wanted people to like me, I always had a feeling that I was missing out on something(this comes in HUUUUUUUUGE part from growing up in a cultish environment where you can never DO anything. Unless its church sponsored/stamped and certified. I certainly was CERTIFIABLE! :rolleyes:
Anyhow, one of the six week internships was something that most everyone is EXPECTED to do. It was a marketing internship. You had to leave the cast(130 people) and go off a few cities ahead to set up the city. This included finding host families for all 130 people, mapping out the part of the city that you would be mainly staying and performing in. Selling our concert tickets, finding venues/facilities for our daily activities. Finding community service projects for all 130 people, etc etc.. Finding FOOD for 6 days 7 nights for 130 people. On and on.
WELL I didn't want to go. My time for going would come at the end of the year(already exhausted!) at that time I would be in Europe(can't speak the language!) And I knew INSIDE that I didn't want to do it. I didn't WANT to leave the cast that late in the year! I tried talking to many of the staff members and they all told me the same thing "You saved all this money to experience this year and now you don't wanna experience it. You HAVE to go." Well the truth is that I DIDNT have to go. There were several people in our cast who opted not to do their marketing internship.
I was afraid of losing respect.
I was afraid of losing friends.
I thought something was WRONG with me if I said no.
And being SUCH a people pleaser, I had to make sure that everyone was happy that I WENT even my mom(I love her to death) told me long distance that I should go.:(
So I went.
and i cried every single day for six weeks. I didn't understand the language(they sent 3 americans to the NETHERLANDS, even though people spoke english, the city signs were NOT in english) We had to bike everywhere. My body was already so shot. And when you have to bike 50 minutes ONE WAY to work every morning, not to mention every evening(some days were from 7 am till 1 am before I got home) It was very stressful. And the whole time I berated myself "Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I just say no??"

I wouldn't wish that bottled up hell on anyone. Its just not easy sometimes. You either come across as "Not a team player"(as I was once told) "as a B*tch" or as just plain strange.

I'm glad I stood up because how I felt saturday was how i felt for 40 some odd days a few years ago...Now, some days I worry what all those people i traveled with would think of me now? I'm older, I dont have a job, i'm suffering physically and psychologically from something that happened before I ever met them. I feel like a loser most days. And when you feel like that, your chances of saying "no" to people gets less and less...its such a stupid mask. Its so STOOPID!
;)
LadyLavender

"Who knew healing took so long???"-Crystal Frazier

[galien]

wow guys great stuff. so much it is hard to take it all in. it is good to know that others have been through the same things as me and I am not just terminally weird. :D. I have been going thru a recovery course yesterday for past abuses (before we even get into the spiritual abuse). It has been very intense and dragged up some intense nasties out of the vault. I have been very scared was going to go crazy again, but after some thinking it thru, I actually think I am going to be okay for the first time in ten years. it hurt to go thru all that underlying rubbish but after sorting thru it I have had a few epiphanies about the self protective box I have put myself in. But the box is getting so tight it is strangling me. So I need to ditch it and get onl with my life. :p

[Emerging]

... I have had a few epiphanies about the self protective box I have put myself in. But the box is getting so tight it is strangling me. So I need to ditch it and get onl with my life. :p

AMEN to that, galien!!! I am trying to figure out what I am sooooo afraid of dealing with that I will do *anything* to not have to face it. Pick a truama, eh? O. My. Gosh, but it's been on my mind SOOOO much the past few days - wondering just what is holding me back? :confused:

Tonight my counselor pointed out how the scared "Be careful or else!!!" voice that is holding me back .... has been working real real hard to protect me, like your box, ... but like your box, it is now strangling me. She says that the best way to deal with it is to "renegotiate" what I need it to say. Her belief is that all these little pieces of us are ... us! So we don't want to get rid of them, but instead help them/ourselves be more supportive of ourselves overall. Your words spoke to my heart tonight! :)

And Lady, I hear you on the push, push push that the unhealthy will do to us!! They will shame us and worse if we even think of standing up for ourselves. How in the world can they seriously think it's Christlike to do this to anyone? They have to know it's not ... so is this just everyone being as scared and guilted out as us? Just as afraid to "Just Say No"? Just as afraid, period? Yeah, I think so.

In fact, are we not stronger to face this stuff and deal with it even tho' like you have happening, some days just getting out of bed isn't going to happen. Jobs, if we can hold them, are not very fun at all because they are mind-numbingly boring in their entry-levelness. Yet I for one cannot hold a more intense job right now because I am just making it with the responsibilities that I do have. Prior to getting the job I have now, I'd been out of work more than working for several years ... what a ego-crusher that is! So don't feel bad about not having a job because it seems to come with the territory --- but what territory!! We are relaiming ourselves!!! We are freeing ourselves!!! We are being ourselves, just like we were always meant to be! :) :) :D

[Doug64]

Please folks, stay in the box.
Serve the church.
I can certainly relate.
Looking back, we realize that we weren't always that great at conforming. Guess we were baad and didn't knooow it! LOL!

Doug ;)