new here

[Lamisa]

Well, this is my first time posting. My fiancee and I left our church about three weeks ago.
I left my home state two years ago to be a part of this ministry on the other side of the country. At that time I had been following Jesus for about three years and was pretty "on fire" and passionate about the Lord and doing His ministry.
I moved there to be a part of this amazing church and all that they were doing in the Lord.
They call it Freedom and it involves a lot of prayer and repentance. The material is very similar to that of Neil T Anderson in His "Freedom in Christ" though it is not exact and there are "sins" in this material that are not clearly backed up biblically. Anyway... I am going into too much detail about that.
It was very encouraged and supported to live in "discipleship" houses with this church, and was even considered rebellion or the sin of "isolation" or "independence" if you chose to live on your own. Which posed no problem whatsoever for me because I am extremely extroverted and LOVE people. Not only do I rarely desire time alone... I don't enjoy it too much at all. I love being with people. I love relating and sharing and having fun and being together. So, it worked well for me... my "core" sin issues were never "isolation" or "independence" but rather "control" and "self hatred" which is what "the Lord told them" as this church is teaches courses such as "hearing god's voice" which you do for others.
As I was a part of this church for two years and extremely willing and vulnerable with them (as it was sinful to not be vulnerable, that would be "fear" and "self protection") I moved up in leadership rather quickly and up until three weeks ago was even in leadership over many women in a house for women coming in off of the streets and out of addictive situations.
I have been totally sold out on this deal for two years, I have allowed my leadership and the church to tell me how to live my life and to make my decisions for me for two years.
My fiancee and I began dating 6 months ago, he was in leadership as well, and we served in the church, me working full time and yet having full ministry duties within the church every day of the week... so our time together was spent mostly doing ministry and we struggled a lot with figuring out how to "have fun" outside of ministry.
So, anyway, about 3 weeks ago... I had started having these panic attacks that I hadn't experienced since before I was saved, I feel that they were set off by the daily fear and guilt I felt worrying about what my leadership would say about my decisions and if I was doing the right things... I started living with this anxiety and fear.. my leadership wanted to meet with me and set up a schedule to tell me when I was and wasn't allowed to spend time with my fiancee (we were already on extremely strict and restrictive schedules due to the fact that we were both residential leaders in our respective ministry homes). She (our leader) also told my fiancee that if he didn't put the men's house first in this season, the Lord would not allow him to marry me. That was a kind of breaking point for him.
Also, 1 week after I got engaged I came home to find a note on my bed from two of my co-leaders, saying that they had prayed and asked the Lord to reveal the sins in the lives of the women in the house and that included was a list of the ones the Lord had revealed for my life, which included pride, selfishness(for wanting to spend time with my fiancee and not in the ministry) and being unwilling to lay my life down for others.
I immediately prayed through these "sins" not wanting to be found "unteachable".
So, three weeks ago, it all came to a head as I began experiencing panic attacks. My father has thought that I have been in a cult for at least the last year as I lived and breathed the ministry.
So, my fiancee and I went that night online to do some research and found the eight characteristics required for thought reform or something like that and it was like... "whoa" everything matched up!
I was freaked out!
We went to church the next day and kept it on the downlow... which was very difficult for us as my fiancee was on the worship team and I was heading up other ministries... but I kept my mouth shut like never before, we stayed gone most of the day and when I got home that night I was called into the office by my "leaders" who badgered me and I shut them out like never before, refusing to be vulnerable, (as I have never been anything less than a wide open book with them) and keeping my mout shut... they kept asking what was wrong and I said nothing and they threatened to call my fiancee... then they tried being really nice and gentle... which almost broke me... but I wouldn't let them in... I tried to go to bed once they released me but ended up waking up all night in cold sweats and on the verge of throwing up... by 3 am I had showered packed a bag and headed over to my fiancee's ministry house where I stayed until it was time to go to work. I went to work first thing and was met by a very caring and loving co-worker who wept at the sight of my brokeness and immediately offered for my fiancee and I to stay at her home until we figured things out. We got him out of his house that day.
I spent the next week continually sick in a state of constant anxiety until I got some medication that Friday for anxiety.
My fiancee and I are now back in my home state with my family, I am still struggling... I love Jesus... but fear I have turned my back on Him, I can't pray... I know He's really not angry at me, but I feel horrible... I don't know what to do. I am happy one minute, depressed the next, anxious the next... I don't know who to talk to, I know that if I go somewhere secular they are just going to try to put me on some meds... I don't want to keep taking this anxiety med ya know? And I am honestly just afraid that if I go to a pastor... they are going to tell me that it is my sin... which is fine... I 've been being told that I am sinning one way or another for the last two years(duh, we're human)...but right now... I'm a mess... my fiancee is amazing... he was only at the church for one year and he love the Lord and is supporting me... but he can only do so much to help me, he is healing differently than me and is handling things pretty well where as I fall to pieces on a daily basis... I poured my heart and soul into this and now... I feel so alone... and I feel like even the Lord has turned his back to me... the Bible has been so manipulated for me... I can't even go there for comfort because I just feel condemned... I feel like every scripture is saying that I sinned by leaving that church and that I am not being faithful.
The post here have been very encouraging and I appreciate any input... though I really am trying to learn to "think for myself", its kind of tough when you've had "all the answers" for so long... and now... I don't feel like there are any!

[ex-shep]

Just read your post and can readily relate. I was in the shepherding discipleship movement and lost a dear friend to a fundalmentalist shepherding group.

There is in abusive groups what is known as a demand for purity. Anyone not completely submitted to the group is labelled "disloyal" "a slanderer of the brethren" "not having one's eyes on Jesus" or whatever the latest thought stopping cliche is this week. I picked up on that right away. It is tragic when one moves accross the country only to have his group go bad.

Make yourself at home. It is a safe place. We have all been there, seen it, done that, and got the T shirt. I may not your group, but I have definitely been there. You will find a lot of support and fellowship. I have posted on the forum since 2002. There are others who have been there longer. You will find others who can readily understand. Feel free to share whatever is on your heart and mind. Virtual coffepot is always brewing. Welcome aboard. :)

[Lamisa]

Thanks so much! Finding this forum and all of the info on spiritual abuse have been so HUGE for me in being able to deal with all of this. It is really hard for me to not think that I am in rebellion.
I know what's true mentally... but its still really hard... I have been taught for so long that things fromt he Lord will be "peacable" but honestly nothing in my life us peacable right now.
Tomorrow my fiancee and I are going to a my sister's church we are just going to visit, we don't want to turn our back on the Lord and want to serve Him, but are very cautious towards churches right now. My sister is super supportive, but church stuff is really hard for me right now. I also don't want to end up jumping right into the same type of deal ya know?

[riverdove]

So so very sorry to hear of your story. It must have been a
traumatic time for you. Learning more about spiritual
abuse has helped me a lot in understanding what was
happening to me. Jeff VanVonderen's book, "The Subtle
Power of Spiritual Abuse," has been a live saver for me all
this time. I really don't know what to say except for you to
first check out his video lesson in this forum. I've
finished watching it plus the audio by Juanita Ryan. Knowing
more does release me from a lot of confusion. What
you're going through is common for those who've been
through SA. Take your time to settle into a new church.
It's nice to have a loved one to support you at this time.
Mostly importantly, hope you get some rest
tonight. A cup of warm milk might help to calm down an upset
tummy due to anxiety and panic attack. I've tried that and it
seemed to have helped.

[Jerry]

Dear Lamisa,,,,
One of the most effective mind control techniques is to implant "Subconscious Guilt Triggers" so that anything other than "Cult Prescribed Thought" causes the subconscious to release an avalanche of guilt,remorse,self-doubt, and anxiety.....These feelings can become so intense,that they drive the victim back into conformity with the cult doctrine.....I see from your post that these people have really done a job on ya kid :mad: Sweetie ,,,,you just hang tough,,,,keep posting here as it seems to help everyone who does so . Finally I pose to you a question,,,,,,; Would Christ seek to controll your mind with guilt,remorse,self-doubt,and anxiety ??????
Love Jerry

[InTheory]

Lamisa, you are such a lovely, BRAVE young lady! God bless you for following your correct instinct and leaving when you did.
You have just begun the road to healing-take your time with the church stuff, and don't do ANYTHING that you're not ready for.

-Dan

[Voyager]

My father has thought that I have been in a cult for at least the last year as I lived and breathed the ministry.
From what you have written here, it sounds like he was 100% correct. I am so glad you got out of that place. Now you can move towards a healthy recovery.

Glad you're here.

:cool:

[SpinningHead]

Oh Lamisa, you brave brave girl!!!

You did NOT turn your back on Jesus!! You turned you back on some control freaks who set themselves up to be pleased in place of you having a real relationship with Jesus. :mad:

I'm glad you're out of that place and I'm glad you found us. So many of us have been there. It is extremely painful reading the Bible for yourself without all their mind-control interpretations & twistings going off in your head.

I loved how you wrote that you refused to be vulnerable to them!! That's a huge thing to celebrate! It's so hard to speak your voice or guard your privacy when for so long you didn't know how to. I am celebrating that for you!!

This is a safe place and it's for exactly people just like you. You are not alone!

:)

[Voyager]

I love Jesus... but fear I have turned my back on Him, I can't pray... I know He's really not angry at me, but I feel horrible... I don't know what to do. I am happy one minute, depressed the next, anxious the next...
This is VERY common after what you have been through. It sounds like you are dealing with symptoms of PTSD. Many of us on this forum have dealt with this after going through similar experiences. The panic attacks are one of the symptoms of PTSD. Do some research on the Internet for it.

As far as turning your back on the Lord or Him doing the same to you, that is the opposite of what has actually happened here. The Lord has turned to you by freeing you from that deathly cult, and you have obeyed His voice.

Here's something that I wrote on this subject back in 2005. Hope it helps:

For the first three years after I escaped my abusive church/cult, I experienced grief most every day - and some days all day long. I mean it would consume me! For years I could not pin down the source of it. All I knew was that I was always feeling like I did something wrong, and feeling the need to make amends for it. I would at times prostrate myself before God in prayer asking him to change me or show me my faults so I could change myself (which is usually impossible).

Then one day I began a study on guilt. Guilt is one of the primary tactics used on spiritual abuse victims, only taking second place to fear. We sat and listened to sermon after sermon condemning the "fallen nature of man" and how to correct this fallen state. We were to "repent and turn away" from our imperfect condition, and take on the nature of our abusive leader (well they said we were learning to take on "Jesus' nature" but we all know that was part of the con-game). Whenever the preacher would blast us with a sermon showing all of our flaws, we would go home inspecting and re-inspecting our lives, desperately trying to make our imperfect human condition conform to this perfect state of being. When we couldn't conform, we lived in guilt. Of course, we couldn't tell anyone else that we could not comply - so we lived in hypocrisy (and guilt).

Add to this any condemnation our parents (or those who raised us) put on us for non-compliance, and we've got a volatile mixture that is sure to cause major depression. Let's face it, we have a lot of reasons to feel guilty - but in reality it's all a state of mind. We've had so many performance-based relationships that told us: "conform or be rejected". Since many of us thrived on the approval of others, we naturally tried to conform (but couldn't). So we live our days wallowing in guilt. Guilt that destroys. Guilt that is like a cancer in our bodies. Guilt that brings about depression, anger, and all kinds of hostile emotions. Guilt that we don't need to be carrying. That's right - it's nothing but excess baggage, and we need to get rid of it now so we can get healthy again.

So just how do we get rid of this guilt? For one, we need to accept the fact that we cannot attain perfection. Then we need to let everyone else in our lives know this also - especially those with whom we have performance-based relationships. We need to constantly remind ourselves that it's okay to fail, it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to let others down - it's all part of being human! That beat-up person within us who has been under this performance-based guilt for so long needs to hear that we love them regardless of their performance. That's right - speak to yourself! Counter that damning message that was spoken to you for God knows how many years that said "you are only worth something if you perform properly".

How many of you have been depressed due to feelings of guilt today? Have you been beating yourself up for something you did or didn't do? Do you get triggered by an event and spiral into depression for days on end, not knowing why? I'll bet that if you look deep enough you'll find that it's all due to guilt. Guilt that may have been put on you as a child, guilt that your former spiritual abuser put on you - but it's all a lie! It's okay to be imperfect! It's okay to fail miserably! You're still lovable!

Through my studies on this topic, I have finally found freedom from this guilt that used to disable me on a daily basis. The depression that used to hang on me like a wet garment is gone. I have taken on a new philosophy, and that is "I don't care what you think about me. If you don't like something about me, that's your problem - not mine. Deal with it."

I realize that for some it may not be that easy. Fortunately I didn't have a parent that put major guilt on me, so the guilt that I had to remove was only put there during 12 years of fire and brimstone preaching. Some of you may have layers and layers of guilt that was put on you during your formative years by a parent or guardian. It may take a lot of un-learning to undo this damage, possibly even seeking out a qualified therapist who understands this process (most of them do).

It's all about getting healthy again. There is hope after spiritual abuse. For several years I doubted that, but I have truly found peace again and I don't have the constant depression that I used to deal with. I hope that my sharing the things that helped me get there helps some of you also.

You see, Lamisa, our cults brainwashed us into seeing them as our god. When we let the pastor down, it was equal to letting God down. When we turned our back on the pastor/group, it was equal to abandoning God in our minds. That is what the mind control did to us. Now that we are free, we have to be deprogrammed of this guilt and fear. We have to educate ourselves on the symptoms of cults and mind control in order to recover from what happened to us - and as much as I hate to tell you this - it may take years. It won't happen overnight. But at least you are now on the road to recovery!!!

You may not feel God for a while. You may not want to read the Bible for a while. You may not want to go to church for a while. This is all healthy, and completely normal. After having had to perform your way into God's favor for so long, we get exhausted. We just want to be accepted for who we are now. This performance anxiety is what caused the panic attacks. I know, because I had them for about a year after I left my former church/cult. Thank God I haven't had one now for about eight years.

I can honestly say that most of the fear and guilt that were instilled into my heart and mind while in the cult are now gone. But that didn't happen right away. They come off in layers. You'll have some good days, and some bad days. Some weeks will be good, and some won't. But remember this - you will recover. You won't have these horrible feelings forever. Keep coming to this forum. Pour your heart out here. You won't say anything that will offend us or that we haven't heard before. Everything you are feeling now is perfectly normal. Most of us here have experienced the same things.

The biggest hurdle for me has been finding out WHO I AM apart from religion. When in a high-demand group/cult, we replace who we are with the group purpose and cause. We empty out ourselves and take on the group mentality. After we escape, we find ourselves empty. This is not because God is gone, but rather, because we abandoned our self identity. I went through a long phase of wondering who I was going to be now. Was I the guy from before the cult, during the cult, or a blend of the two? What I found was that I was neither. I was on a voyage to discover who I really was. Before the cult I put on a lot of disguises to hide the inner me that I felt like nobody wanted to know (due to childhood abandonment). That led me to try to hide behind substance abuse, religious addiction, etc. I felt much better babbling off a bunch of Bible verses as opposed to letting someone peek inside and see the real (vulnerable) me. I even turned back to substance abuse after leaving the church/cult, because I still didn't know who I was. I have since gotten free of the substance abuse, and am learning to accept me for who I am. I don't need to perform for anyone to be accepted. If they like me, fine. If they don't, it's their loss.

Just be who you are Lamisa. Free of guilt, free of fear, and free of performance-based acceptance. Again, welcome to the club!

:cool:

[ex-shep]

Now that I got a little more sleep, I can share my thoughts in detail.

The groups that I lost had the "unteachable" line too. This was translated as if the member is not submitted to leadership, the member is sin. Some of the verbiage is very familiar to me.

I had a similar situation when I left my groups in 1984. I was trying to get help for a friend who was in a fundalmentalist shepherding group. As I was reading on Lifton's criteria, I too saw things match up. I walked out.

It sound like you are in a shock phase. When a member leaving a group there is a transition very similar to grieving cycle. Other things one might want to be on the watchout for are outbursts of anger, depression, and flashbacks. They are not comfortable, but are part of the recovery process. Those do subside with time.

I know I had difficulty praying and reading the bible for quite some time. It might be a good idea to put away the Bible, prayer, and any evangelical trappings. [Christian radio or Christian music]. The Lord know who is his. The former member will not loose his salvation. The reason for this is give time for the mind to heal and separate the cult teachings from standard orthodox teachings of the faith. The hiatus can be short for some. Other may need some time depending on the severity of the abuse. Each member usually has a good sense of when the water is OK again.

Good recovery sources are Wellspring in Ohio and Meadow Crest in Massachusetts. They provide long term treatment for formers. If funds are tight, traveling to a conference put on by ICSA is money well spent. Refocus is support group of former members having face to face support groups accross the country. For those living with traveling distance of New York, the monthly house meeting at the Goldbergs is worth the trip. Bill and Lorna Goldberg have their own site. They are a wonderful couple and social workers specialized in treating former members.

I have been out for over 20 years. I can say it will get better one day at a time, even though it may not feel like it at the time. You will also meet some neat people along the way. I have. Keep on posting. Glad you here.

[mary]

Dear Lamisa,

A fond CRF welcome, dear one! :) :) :)

As the others have said (Jerry, Ex-Shep, Voyager, InTheory, SpinningHead and Riverdove are variously seasoned veterans - plus, they're very nice people, too! :D - of what you've been through: you've gotten some of the finest minds here having commented thus far), you're on the right track in getting out of that church...

The only thing I would add - as one of the token Reformed Prots here - is that anything that adds to the pure Gospel, anything that adds a "person," some "new ways to 'do' Christianity," and throws in some exclusionary tactics and guilt-tripping as well is something to run like the wind from. The Lord Jesus Christ is not among them. The "other guy" likely exerts a more persuasive presence.

Some of us have been through less harrowing things than what you've described and have run like that...

May the Lord bless you and keep you tonight, Lamisa, and may He give you His peace in abundance. Keep posting if and when you feel like it; you're very, very welcome here! :)

mary

[abbey]

WELCOME Lamisa! I cant really add any info here--just i welcome you to our club! I exited a cult thru this forum just 5 months ago. i just logged on one day, knowing i was in an abusive charasmatic cult and these kind and decent folk helped me escape! So healing is new to me too! But all you are experiencing is normal, cause i have many of the same feelings and symptoms. welcome, share, and remember, were all here for you! THANK JESUS you escaped that place! YIKES!!!

I thought i was turning my back on Jesus too, now after much info on cukts/sa i realize that was false! Best to you and yours---anytime you need prayers---just ask, ok?

love ab

[abbey]

This is VERY common after what you have been through. It sounds like you are dealing with symptoms of PTSD. Many of us on this forum have dealt with this after going through similar experiences. The panic attacks are one of the symptoms of PTSD. Do some research on the Internet for it.

As far as turning your back on the Lord or Him doing the same to you, that is the opposite of what has actually happened here. The Lord has turned to you by freeing you from that deathly cult, and you have obeyed His voice.

Here's something that I wrote on this subject back in 2005. Hope it helps:



You see, Lamisa, our cults brainwashed us into seeing them as our god. When we let the pastor down, it was equal to letting God down. When we turned our back on the pastor/group, it was equal to abandoning God in our minds. That is what the mind control did to us. Now that we are free, we have to be deprogrammed of this guilt and fear. We have to educate ourselves on the symptoms of cults and mind control in order to recover from what happened to us - and as much as I hate to tell you this - it may take years. It won't happen overnight. But at least you are now on the road to recovery!!!

You may not feel God for a while. You may not want to read the Bible for a while. You may not want to go to church for a while. This is all healthy, and completely normal. After having had to perform your way into God's favor for so long, we get exhausted. We just want to be accepted for who we are now. This performance anxiety is what caused the panic attacks. I know, because I had them for about a year after I left my former church/cult. Thank God I haven't had one now for about eight years.

I can honestly say that most of the fear and guilt that were instilled into my heart and mind while in the cult are now gone. But that didn't happen right away. They come off in layers. You'll have some good days, and some bad days. Some weeks will be good, and some won't. But remember this - you will recover. You won't have these horrible feelings forever. Keep coming to this forum. Pour your heart out here. You won't say anything that will offend us or that we haven't heard before. Everything you are feeling now is perfectly normal. Most of us here have experienced the same things.

The biggest hurdle for me has been finding out WHO I AM apart from religion. When in a high-demand group/cult, we replace who we are with the group purpose and cause. We empty out ourselves and take on the group mentality. After we escape, we find ourselves empty. This is not because God is gone, but rather, because we abandoned our self identity. I went through a long phase of wondering who I was going to be now. Was I the guy from before the cult, during the cult, or a blend of the two? What I found was that I was neither. I was on a voyage to discover who I really was. Before the cult I put on a lot of disguises to hide the inner me that I felt like nobody wanted to know (due to childhood abandonment). That led me to try to hide behind substance abuse, religious addiction, etc. I felt much better babbling off a bunch of Bible verses as opposed to letting someone peek inside and see the real (vulnerable) me. I even turned back to substance abuse after leaving the church/cult, because I still didn't know who I was. I have since gotten free of the substance abuse, and am learning to accept me for who I am. I don't need to perform for anyone to be accepted. If they like me, fine. If they don't, it's their loss.

Just be who you are Lamisa. Free of guilt, free of fear, and free of performance-based acceptance. Again, welcome to the club!

:cool:

real good thoughts about guilt there Voyager---i can really realate. i was so controlled thru guilt, thru performing up to the groups standards, which were ridiculous anyway. on e major area of gulit was the cult didnt believe in medications for bi-polar (or any illness) the head guy, pastor neil didnt even tae meds for acid-reflux, instead he was in agony for hours. This i assume was him demonstrating FAITH? *CRACKERS* so the two times i went to the doctor to re-drug, i was actually excluded from church and ministry. very childish actions if you ask me! but the guilt i felt when i actually re_drugged was intense> they had me so convinced that drugs were evil< it was insanity.---In my heart i knew they were NUTZ but brainwash is a puzziling thing? Just the label christian was enough for me to trust them, yet inside i was screaming, something is wrong! But i appreciate your post on guilt, cause this is crippiling me atm. i cannot acheive perfection, so why torture myself trying? You were really damaged by your 12 yeAR experience VOY, im glad for you healing. excuse my typing as my keys keep sticking.

peace...

[yeshua'smags]

Hi Lamisa! Welcome to the club.:D I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with, but at least your fiance left with you, and you have family to stay with.

God led you out of there, He's not going to leave you hanging now, eventhough it may feel that way.Just keep talking and listening, He'll tell you what's next.;)

[Carmen]

(((Lamisa))), Just getting away from that group was very courageous. You might feel guilt, but don't listen to it. God never puts people on guilt trips, only people do. Churches, church groups and pastors can't be put on a level plane with God. If necessary, you can even live a full Christian life without all of that.

You never have to share your thoughts with anyone if you don't want to - they only required that to control your thoughts and opinions. They wanted you to tell on yourself so they could load you up with guilt and tell you to get back on their track - not God's.

Read scripture if you can and look at Jesus' character. He is worlds apart from the behavior and expectations of the people in that group. I'd encourage you to read about God's grace (mercy). He is much more forgiving than those people you were with. You might want to get a different version of scripture than was used in the group, otherwise the old teaching tapes might start playing back. Don't read it for now if it is too difficult. Take things one day at a time.

You may need to go back to the beginning of your faith and start from there, relearning everything. I had to do that after leaving a milieu that taught word-faith among other things. Do what is best for you for your recovery - now you are the most important person (ok, your fiancee too), you have not paid attention to yourself in a while, that might take some practice. Finding out who God really is (not those people), how he is (not like them), will likely be part of the process of recovery. Having family right there with you to help must be comforting, my parents had to help me over a distance and Hubby never supported me at all (he is part of the problem, another problem).

Those people are not devils, though they may seem like it. They are probably trapped as you were, victims and perpetuators of the system at the same time. They might be believers too like you are, but have just gotten way, way off the road. You are luckier than they are now, you have seen the truth of the situation.

Don't be afraid of "secular" counselors. If you can find one that is experienced in treating persons that have been victims of spiritual abuse, they can give you insights that a biblical counselor may not.

My biblical counselor recommended Bold Love by Allender and Longman. That was a good book about forgiving while not forgetting which offers some good strategies for reconciliation (though I wouldn't recommend this with a cult). They do examine a part of human psychology from a biblical point of view though, that was helpful to me, though not enough.

But the book Controlling People by Patricia Evans that someone recommended here on the forum gave me more facts about the way some people behave, facts that really made a domestic abuse situation clear to me. I can recommend Evans' books. There are a few pages where she speaks of recovery strategies, I'd take some and leave others, one can see on those pages that her books are not aimed at a Christian audience, but otherwise I think that she has done a lot of research and come to some very revealing conclusions about human psychology that can be very valuable in explaining abusive and controlling situations. Sifting through Proverbs I can see that the subject of controlling (one aspect of foolish) people has been around for a while.

This sounds as if I'm telling you what to do, I'm not, just take what you like and leave the rest. :)

[Reg]

((((((Lamisa))))))

Wonderful advice from the good folks here. Not much to add to it.

Here's one additional thing that may help you. When you clearly see what the genuine article is, then you will be able to see the counterfeit. That's how they train people to identify what counterfeit money looks like. The study to see what the genuine bills look like. So, focusing on what a healthy group/church looks like should help in your recovery. Glad you found out relatively early while you're younger. I was in a toxic church for 29 years before I finally exited.

Now, this may seem somewhat racical to you just having exited, but these are the characteristics of what health looks like when we join a church or any common group. These are healthy group dynamics. So try to let those guilty feelings go. Focus on what's good.

What to look for in a Healthy Organization

Healthy organizations are voluntary associations where
people collaborate to work out their ideas with a
shared purpose and specific goal. Everyone is free to
criticize and hold different opinions from that of the
group’s leadership. Differences of opinion are welcomed
and respected. There is no psychological pressure to
conform and no atmosphere of enforced uniformity.
Members view themselves as a part of society in general
involved in a group for practical and limited reasons.
Members spend only a reasonable part of their spare
time in group activities and enjoy a completely separate
family, social and professional life. Healthy groups are
democratic in practice and not just in theory. Members
are free to come and go as they please. They
participate as they wish, without feeling excessive guilt or
shame for not attending meetings, donating time or money.
Nobody fears any physical or psychological reprimand for
missing meetings or refusing tasks. Members put their
personal needs first and are able to differentiate those
from the needs of the group. They decide for themselves
their relations with the group and are able to reassess
their level of commitment and also leave the group without
creating a major personal crisis or conflict with the group.

Staying Clear of Recovery Cultism
http://www.sossobriety.org/cults.htm

[SJPEERYVA85]

Hello Lamisa! I am new here as well. I have been delivered from not one but two SA churches. I have a sense of what you are feeling. So very vulnerable. You love God and want His will to be done in your life but you have no idea what that is.
I remember one scripture that really helped me was "the footsteps of a righteous man (or woman) are ordered of the Lord. You ARE one of His righteous one, if you weren't you wouldn't care about what God thinks about anything. As it is, that is the first thing on your mind. That has to mean something sweet sister.
SO as one of the righteous ones, you are where you are because He has lead you to this place. I'm sure that even in the fellowship you were in that many of the things you learned were truth. That is what concerned me the most in my days after leaving the SA fellowship I was in. Those things that I was taught that WERE of God, I wanted to hang onto. But those things that weren't I wanted to run from as fast as I could go. DOn't throw the baby away with the bath water was a phrase that kept coming back to me.

Wait on the Lord, He will show you the way. It will take time. Rest in His great love for you. It is unending.

"My sheep know My voice, but the voice of a stranger they will not hear." The fact that you did recognize that strangers voice is a wonderful thing. You can keep trusting that God will give you discernment as He already has in getting you out of there.
May the Peace that passes all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

[Lamisa]

I just want to thank you all, you can't imagine (or maybe you can) how important it has been to me to be able to come on here and realize that I am not the only one stuggling with this and it is the real deal. I have not been this depressed since I have been saved, but I am determined to fight through this and to find the Jesus who first found me. I know for one thing that I don't want to live without Him. I want Him back but not all that othe garbage. Its now a matter I guess of figuring out what that looks like.
I definitely see the mood swings, the anger, depression, irritability, and its hard to, I just try to keep it to myself because I don't want to hurt my family and I don't know how much they will understand. My fiancee is the only person in my life that I have to talk to right now, which is wonderful that I have him, its just so hard, I miss having community. I have lived with no less than 5 women at any given time in the last two years. I miss my best friend who I had to leave behind, but she is so wrapped up in it and I just can't talk to anyone in the group. I had so many friends and people that I loved there. so, its kind of heart breaking to leave all that behind.
We were planning this fun little wedding with all of our "friends" there and now, though I am very excited to be getting married, we are having a very small private ceremony with just my close family and holding off on the reception for a couple of months when we both have jobs and have gotten settled in. There were just so many plans and hopes and dreams and they were all wrapped up in that group. And now, its me and my Love and we are starting fresh. Which I know is an amazing opportunity, I just want to be happy again.

[Carmen]

(((Lamisa))), A lot of these "experience" groups teach that Christians always have to be happy, that life always has to be prosperous, that for Christians everything is roses, but they are only trying to make people put on rose-colored glasses. Being saved isn't an instant panacea for all of the problems that life throws at us, but it gives us the opportunity to approach them in a different way that Jesus teaches us as we grow in him. I think that he puts us on the road to recovery - from life in a fallen world.

[SJPEERYVA85]

I remember the gut wrenching pain I had when I left the first SA fellowship I was in. It took a while to get over it. My husband was little to no help in anything I had to go through. Hopefully, with your fiance by your side and you all truely loving each other it won't take as much time to get over. I have seen my former best friend that I left behind 20 years ago several times now, and we have a nice time "catching up", but this side of heaven it will never be the same as it was.

It's sad, but God has replaced that friendship many times over and best of all, has shown me that He is the friend that sticketh closer than a brother and has made my fellowship with Him deeper, richer and more sweet.

[yeshua'smags]

He will restore everything you have lost, and it will be even better! I promise!;)

[Jerry]

I just want to be happy again.

Dear Lamisa,,,,
Here's something you can try,,,I have actually had this work to some degree....It's no cure but it can give a little relief ;) When you get up in the morning,,,say to yourself,,,,"Ok today I am going to pretend that I am happy,that every person I interact with today is in fact a loving friend.I will spend the day enjoying what it will be like to be happy..." I did this on and off for quite some time............Then one day,,,, I wasn't pretending ;)
Love Jerry

[Voyager]

My fiancee is the only person in my life that I have to talk to right now, which is wonderful that I have him, its just so hard, I miss having community. I have lived with no less than 5 women at any given time in the last two years. I miss my best friend who I had to leave behind, but she is so wrapped up in it and I just can't talk to anyone in the group. I had so many friends and people that I loved there. so, its kind of heart breaking to leave all that behind.

We were planning this fun little wedding with all of our "friends" there and now, though I am very excited to be getting married, we are having a very small private ceremony with just my close family and holding off on the reception for a couple of months when we both have jobs and have gotten settled in. There were just so many plans and hopes and dreams and they were all wrapped up in that group. And now, its me and my Love and we are starting fresh. Which I know is an amazing opportunity, I just want to be happy again.
I can relate so much to what you wrote here Lamisa. This is exactly what happened to my wife and I eight years ago. When we left our former church, we had no community to speak of at all. We had dysfunctional families on both sides, and felt like we had been transported to a different planet where we were all alone. This void of community is what I believed caused the PTSD in my life. It was a huge traumatic loss to lose my entire community and support system. It made me feel like I was unable to go on in life. I felt like I had no purpose, no cause, and no reason to even get up in the morning anymore. In addition, we had a 3½-year-old daughter and another on the way.

I wish I could tell you that we immediately found another healthy support network to replace the church, but we didn't. To this day we still don't have much of a community to speak of at all. This is why I spent a few years drowning my pain with different substances. I just wanted to numb the pain and loss of not having a support system. This is why people go to 12-step groups - to find a support system. Eventually I got free of the substance abuse and have become stronger and less depressed, but I still long for community. My wife and I have even recently been discussing the idea of starting some type of group on our own.

For the first few years we tried to find another church to no avail. I got triggered by things in almost every church we went to. Whether it was a certain line of Scripture that had been used to manipulate us, or a demand to give money, or a requirement to be at every church meeting when the doors were opened - it all smacked of control and manipulation to me. I got up and walked out in the middle of service after service because I could no longer stomach being in a church. I am still that way to this day. Not everyone reacts this way. As a matter of fact, many of the people on this forum have found another good church. But just as many have decided that church is no longer a healthy place for them.

I sure wish I could give you a quick answer or solution to your loss of community dilemma. It is my belief that we all need community to live a healthy life. If you have any type of immediate or extended family that is healthy, that's a good start. Try to build on that and make that your community. I'm a people person, and I need people in my life. My wife is the opposite. She can be content to isolate and withdraw from society. When I allow myself to follow her example, that's when I get stuck. I have to get out and talk to people on a daily basis - that's just who I am. Coming to this forum and talking with these great people fulfills that need to a certain extent, but I still need to be with people face-to-face in order to thrive and survive.

Also, you mentioned that your family cannot seem to understand what you are going through with the loss of the church community and the spiritual abuse. Chances are, they may never be able to understand it. That's why I come here, because most people outside of this forum cannot understand it. This is a place where you can find people who do understand it, and therefore, this is a healthy place to share your feelings and find answers and solutions. You will probably also find yourself providing the same for others on this forum. That's how we operate. It's a give and take program. Give what you have, take what you need, and leave the rest.

I wish you the best Lamisa. Hold on and remember this: Life will get better. Don't let go of your hope.

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