cryfreedom
01-23-2007, 09:40 AM
Hi,
I got saved about 10 years ago. I began to spend a lot of time with a small group of people that were also related to me by marriage. This group of about 5 or 6 very new Christians was centred around 1 person (who had been saved for a couple of years) in particular who was considered very prophetic, always hearing the word of the Lord, praying for others, building others up etc.. but then she would also have little tantrums where she would cry out to God in home groups, saying we should all repent and we were all selfish etc. There was also a lot of insinuation and subtle comments made about all sorts of things, where this person would manipulate and express their views on things in very subtle ways.
Despite this, the first few months were cool, I felt free and just so stoked to be with God. I met my wife through this person, and married her within a few months, immediately after the proposition, we were all told how God had shown her this (one of many things she was 'shown' after the fact across the years). 2 of the other couples, including the leader, were also in new marriages that were really quite bad examples for us to follow, and unfortunately, we went through a lot of unnecessary stuff as we tried to live a 'Christian' marriage. This person often rebuked men in general for their lack of leadership and strength, and would dump a lot of stuff on her husband. My relationship mimicked theirs in many ways.
Things were very 'spiritual' – the demonic featured strongly , Holy Spirit manifestations etc were paramount. Getting over "issues", confessing sin, repentance, anti selfishness etc were all strong ideals. This person once prayed the "spirit of selfishness" off us.
We went to church and were absolutely on fire for God. There was no really bad scriptural teaching or doctrines, and the 'leader' was, and still is, a lovely person, and often a lot of fun. I am not even sure that they knew the extent of what they were doing. When a couple of people left the group and called it a cult, they were wrong. Anyone, churches or otherwise, that disagreed were wrong as well. We attended a church 30 minutes away (how convenient?) The pastors came and visitied our home church a few times, as I think they saw more then I knew back then. But they soon gave up, I think they felt hey couldn't break the dynamics at work around the group.
Over a couple of years I had become full of condemnation and religiousness. I felt inferior to this person and was always trying to please them. I was a depressed Christian I think. God had still showed His extreme faithfulness to me, and despite the dysfunctional stuff that was happening, there was some good – I was saved after all and had been born again and had some sort of real relationship with God
My family and I left the area to another city. We bean to grow in confidence and come out from under the rubbish. Then, we got a phone call. My relatives-by-marriage and their family needed a place to stay, they were in quite serious trouble and we felt we had to help. So, they moved to the new city and started settling in and attending the church we had joined. They immediately began to talk about all they had been through and how nobody was there for them we had offered support and help several times but it was never accepted).
I felt so uncomfortable. I wanted us to find out own identity, and moving away was an opportunity, and then we were back in the same place again!
A few months later God further opened my eyes, and my wife began to notice some really wrong things. The manipulations, the sulking, the building up and then subtly pulling down.. My wife and I talked and reflected a lot and were just blown away at what we had not seen before. Everything started to seem so clear. I read about the Jezebellic spirit, control etc… and I was so angry! Older, mature Christians who we went to see in tears, as we were feeling so confused, they could see it all for what it was and were really helpful.
It had got to the point where my wife and I would really be venting to each other about this person and the stuff that had gone on over the previous 5 years, and then this person would ring and say "I feel like the devils just stabbing me in the back right now". We started to think perhaps she was hearing from something else other than God, and there was some sort of dodgy spiritual forces operating around her/through her etc
We ended up feeling almost back to square one. But circumstances prevailed, and we chose moved on again. We backslid. I was so confused and angry about what we had been trhough, I just didn’t know what to do. I still believed, knew I had to, there was no way I could give it all away and yet I didn’t want anything to do with Christian culture or God.
I ended up in deep depression and broke down at work. I just couldn't figure out how I was meant to be now. I went to see a Christian counselor, after a couple of sessions he told me he felt it was spiritual abuse. He was nice, but I still didn’t have any strategies to deal with it. We moved again, as my job and career allowed this, but I think it was also a running away in some ways.
We were still backslidden, and I was no closer to feeling like I had worked out how to be a Christian, saved etc. I was still angry at God, at the people I had been involved with etc. Well life got more stressful, we had a terrible run of unfortunate incidents, and I ended up on anti-depressants and breaking down physically and mentally. I am the kind of person who gives myself 100% to those I trust, and I felt really badly shafted.
I knew I wanted to live right with God, but couldn’t stand Christian language or the Church smiles on a Sunday etc SO I was in a huge turmoil inside and it was killing me! I got through the depression and have begun to try and move on. After not seeing the people for 3 years, I saw them at a family fuinction, and that was good for me. It showed me how far I had come in terms of forgiveness.
So, we have moved again, now overseas, and things have slowly improved over time. My marriage is great, the family is great, have had a little contact with this person, and, after renewing contact, it wasn't long before I got an email saying "God showed me I had offended you I just want to ask your forgiveness". Here we go again I thought. I replied with a page saying how some things form the past had annoyed me and that things were dysfunctional, but I am over it, lets just move on.
Unfortunately, I have always heard this persons opinions and 'voice' in my head when it comes to how to live with Jesus. I spent 5 years under this stuff, and now I want to get back into living a right relationship with God – faith with love and action, more than tokenism and a mixture of believing but not letting that stop me doing anything I want, regardless of right or wrong. I seem to be stuck with a religious mindset a hangover from all of this, and if I am not 110% for God, then I am questioning my salvation. Have a local church, I don’t really like it that much, and I hate going to church because you "have to". We don’t have any Christian friends and are living in a conservative 99.9% Muslim nation, so we are quite isolated I guess, but we are quite happy as a family. I find I sometimes have anxious thoughts – about the end of the world, Jesus' return, War, Disease, safety of my kids etc – all really irrational and stupid I know, but I am just struggling to get my head around it all and to move on.
I still find myself thinking that I could be wrong, and that the stuff that went on wasn’t that bad and that all that this person said was right and the church and pastors were wrong about them etc
I apologise for the long posting. There are many many things I have left out that happened. I just want to hear someone elses opinions, experiences or ideas. I would love to know of anyone who has experienced similar stuff, but has come out the other side in terms of their beliefs and relationship with God. I would love to talk to someone further. Maybe I could help someone who is somewhere along the continuum between abuse and recovery.
Thanks so much for taking the time
cryfreedom
I got saved about 10 years ago. I began to spend a lot of time with a small group of people that were also related to me by marriage. This group of about 5 or 6 very new Christians was centred around 1 person (who had been saved for a couple of years) in particular who was considered very prophetic, always hearing the word of the Lord, praying for others, building others up etc.. but then she would also have little tantrums where she would cry out to God in home groups, saying we should all repent and we were all selfish etc. There was also a lot of insinuation and subtle comments made about all sorts of things, where this person would manipulate and express their views on things in very subtle ways.
Despite this, the first few months were cool, I felt free and just so stoked to be with God. I met my wife through this person, and married her within a few months, immediately after the proposition, we were all told how God had shown her this (one of many things she was 'shown' after the fact across the years). 2 of the other couples, including the leader, were also in new marriages that were really quite bad examples for us to follow, and unfortunately, we went through a lot of unnecessary stuff as we tried to live a 'Christian' marriage. This person often rebuked men in general for their lack of leadership and strength, and would dump a lot of stuff on her husband. My relationship mimicked theirs in many ways.
Things were very 'spiritual' – the demonic featured strongly , Holy Spirit manifestations etc were paramount. Getting over "issues", confessing sin, repentance, anti selfishness etc were all strong ideals. This person once prayed the "spirit of selfishness" off us.
We went to church and were absolutely on fire for God. There was no really bad scriptural teaching or doctrines, and the 'leader' was, and still is, a lovely person, and often a lot of fun. I am not even sure that they knew the extent of what they were doing. When a couple of people left the group and called it a cult, they were wrong. Anyone, churches or otherwise, that disagreed were wrong as well. We attended a church 30 minutes away (how convenient?) The pastors came and visitied our home church a few times, as I think they saw more then I knew back then. But they soon gave up, I think they felt hey couldn't break the dynamics at work around the group.
Over a couple of years I had become full of condemnation and religiousness. I felt inferior to this person and was always trying to please them. I was a depressed Christian I think. God had still showed His extreme faithfulness to me, and despite the dysfunctional stuff that was happening, there was some good – I was saved after all and had been born again and had some sort of real relationship with God
My family and I left the area to another city. We bean to grow in confidence and come out from under the rubbish. Then, we got a phone call. My relatives-by-marriage and their family needed a place to stay, they were in quite serious trouble and we felt we had to help. So, they moved to the new city and started settling in and attending the church we had joined. They immediately began to talk about all they had been through and how nobody was there for them we had offered support and help several times but it was never accepted).
I felt so uncomfortable. I wanted us to find out own identity, and moving away was an opportunity, and then we were back in the same place again!
A few months later God further opened my eyes, and my wife began to notice some really wrong things. The manipulations, the sulking, the building up and then subtly pulling down.. My wife and I talked and reflected a lot and were just blown away at what we had not seen before. Everything started to seem so clear. I read about the Jezebellic spirit, control etc… and I was so angry! Older, mature Christians who we went to see in tears, as we were feeling so confused, they could see it all for what it was and were really helpful.
It had got to the point where my wife and I would really be venting to each other about this person and the stuff that had gone on over the previous 5 years, and then this person would ring and say "I feel like the devils just stabbing me in the back right now". We started to think perhaps she was hearing from something else other than God, and there was some sort of dodgy spiritual forces operating around her/through her etc
We ended up feeling almost back to square one. But circumstances prevailed, and we chose moved on again. We backslid. I was so confused and angry about what we had been trhough, I just didn’t know what to do. I still believed, knew I had to, there was no way I could give it all away and yet I didn’t want anything to do with Christian culture or God.
I ended up in deep depression and broke down at work. I just couldn't figure out how I was meant to be now. I went to see a Christian counselor, after a couple of sessions he told me he felt it was spiritual abuse. He was nice, but I still didn’t have any strategies to deal with it. We moved again, as my job and career allowed this, but I think it was also a running away in some ways.
We were still backslidden, and I was no closer to feeling like I had worked out how to be a Christian, saved etc. I was still angry at God, at the people I had been involved with etc. Well life got more stressful, we had a terrible run of unfortunate incidents, and I ended up on anti-depressants and breaking down physically and mentally. I am the kind of person who gives myself 100% to those I trust, and I felt really badly shafted.
I knew I wanted to live right with God, but couldn’t stand Christian language or the Church smiles on a Sunday etc SO I was in a huge turmoil inside and it was killing me! I got through the depression and have begun to try and move on. After not seeing the people for 3 years, I saw them at a family fuinction, and that was good for me. It showed me how far I had come in terms of forgiveness.
So, we have moved again, now overseas, and things have slowly improved over time. My marriage is great, the family is great, have had a little contact with this person, and, after renewing contact, it wasn't long before I got an email saying "God showed me I had offended you I just want to ask your forgiveness". Here we go again I thought. I replied with a page saying how some things form the past had annoyed me and that things were dysfunctional, but I am over it, lets just move on.
Unfortunately, I have always heard this persons opinions and 'voice' in my head when it comes to how to live with Jesus. I spent 5 years under this stuff, and now I want to get back into living a right relationship with God – faith with love and action, more than tokenism and a mixture of believing but not letting that stop me doing anything I want, regardless of right or wrong. I seem to be stuck with a religious mindset a hangover from all of this, and if I am not 110% for God, then I am questioning my salvation. Have a local church, I don’t really like it that much, and I hate going to church because you "have to". We don’t have any Christian friends and are living in a conservative 99.9% Muslim nation, so we are quite isolated I guess, but we are quite happy as a family. I find I sometimes have anxious thoughts – about the end of the world, Jesus' return, War, Disease, safety of my kids etc – all really irrational and stupid I know, but I am just struggling to get my head around it all and to move on.
I still find myself thinking that I could be wrong, and that the stuff that went on wasn’t that bad and that all that this person said was right and the church and pastors were wrong about them etc
I apologise for the long posting. There are many many things I have left out that happened. I just want to hear someone elses opinions, experiences or ideas. I would love to know of anyone who has experienced similar stuff, but has come out the other side in terms of their beliefs and relationship with God. I would love to talk to someone further. Maybe I could help someone who is somewhere along the continuum between abuse and recovery.
Thanks so much for taking the time
cryfreedom