Reg
11-27-2004, 07:41 AM
This is a piece I just got off another bulletin board I was on for a couple of years in the late 90's. The reason I'm posting it here is regarding the last line about recommending a book to someone I met a few years ago in California.
It's also an excellent piece to read that describes typically what happens to our critical thinking process in our former churches/cults.
The Struggle for Emotional Maturity From:Realist88 Nov-26 5:24 pm
Some exchanges that I have encountered on this and other message boards as well as personal discussions have made me think about the subject of emotional maturity. I first heard of this concept 15 years ago through a WCG article or sermon. However, in retrospect, the concept would have tended to be more of an oxymoron in those days of WCG because of many factors that stood in the way of emotional maturity. And perhaps, that manifests itself today in some of us.
I take the example of debates or confrontations that we find on message boards such as this. Debating a controversial issue can be healthy, but it depends on the emotional health of the people involved. Personal insecurities, feeling threatened by opposing views, getting defensive, or a "need" to be right about something are all manifestations of emotional deficiency, and end up turning many discussions into endless diatribes that waste alot of precious time.
Over the years, I have discovered through experience my own issues in this area. Being sheltered in the old ways of WCG had certainly taken their toll, as well as some unresolved family or origin issues.
Essentially, emotional maturity exists when we are able to take responsibility for our lives and not leave that to others, form our own thinking, opinions, and values not subject to the approval or disapproval of others, and have equal relationships with other people as opposed to one-up or one-down type relationships. Naturally, as children we do need others to take responsibility for us, and for parents and authority figures to help shape our thinking and values. As adults, we learn to become authorities over our own lives as well as become authorities in various areas of life such as in our careers, in parenting, or government.
Unfortunately, old WCG was not conducive to the development of emotional maturity. Our thinking, values as well as actions were subject to the approval of the organization. We were dependent on the organization to tell us what to believe and sometimes make our decisions for us. The pastor, elders, or leaders were above us, and we typically could not have equal relationships with them as with other members. All of this has probably affected us all in different ways, and it also depends on how we were able to develop emotionally in our own families of origin. I personally came into WCG at the start of my adulthood, so the development would end up being delayed for a few years to come. And I would confess that the development is still occuring.
In old WCG, everything tended to be in terms of black and white, there was little or no room for mystery or ambiguity. We needed absolute answers for everything. So naturally it is initially hard to deal with gray areas or moral dilemmas. It was probably an extra burden on pastors who had to help members with all kinds of nitpicky questions and concerns. Even as WCG went through the changes and some non essentials were hanging in the balance, some people were asking "what should I believe about this?"
When it comes to discussion groups, this is where alot of challenges begin. We have a deeply held view on some issue, and there are others on the message board who believe differently. So it is not uncommon to get into a "defense" mode to try to defend the belief, sometime vigorously. There may be a sense of feeling threatened by the opposing view. It indicates a deficiency in being able to think for oneself. Now, it is good to have our beliefs challenged, because it can either cause us to rethink our view, change or adjust it, or become more firmly established in our understanding. Iron can truly sharpen iron, but both sides must be holding up as "iron".
There can be a feeling of inferiority when one's view is challenged by a majority who believe differently. And that may be reflected in the person seeking affirmation or approval for themselves or their view. I have been guilty of this. Still, there are others who must take a superiority approach, and try to win over others, and be recognized as being "right", and vigorously prove the others as being wrong. It is a defensive attempt to feel above others to compensate for their feelings of inferiority. Then there are those who initiate a controversial discussion in order to stir up the reactions of those who will disagree, yet another indicator of inferiority and a quest to feel affirmation/approval for a personal view.
Occasionally, I have encountered people who are not defending an old belief, but a new one. Sometimes, someone can get so excited by a new understanding such as with reformed theology, pentecostal experiences, or liberal/progressive ideas, and seek to challenge those who do not hold those views. I think it all works the same, this need for approval or to feel more "right" than others.
I have been in this place alot over the last 10 years and it leads me to question my own motivations for topics that I either initiate or contribute to. I may be tempted to respond to something I disagree with because my own view is threatened or insecure. Or I need to feel better about my view, so I may be tempted to post something where I know of people who will disagree and react.
In a way, I can understand when discussions on these boards become emotionally charged, because we are probably all at different stages of developing what was emotionally stunted in the cult environment as well as during our upbringing, most definitely myself. Some of us are very secure in our beliefs, whether they reflect old WCG thinking or new or somewhere in between. Others of us still struggle. And that is ok, as long as we come to recognize it as a problem. Then hopefully through the grace of other people here, it can be worked through.
Much more can be said about this subject. If anyone is familiar with the work of John Townsend and Henry Cloud, they devote alot of time to this subject in several of their books. One of them is called "How People Grow". An excellent resource that was recommended to me several years ago is Cloud's "Changes That Heal". If you struggle with emotional issues from your past (and you will find that to include experiences in WCG), it is an excellent resource. Interestingly enough, it was recommended to me by a former WCG member as the best book he ever read about grace.
That former member who recommended the book was me. I met this individual when I was in California attending a Conference at Saddleback Community Church about Celebrate Recovery a few years ago. Knowing this individual personally, I can tell it has born a lot of good fruit.
It's just an example of never knowing how your positive influence will affect another. We don't know of all the others we have affected this way, but GOD does. And that is all we really need to know for now. He will let us know in the future when He passes out the rewards. :D
Praise God.
It's also an excellent piece to read that describes typically what happens to our critical thinking process in our former churches/cults.
The Struggle for Emotional Maturity From:Realist88 Nov-26 5:24 pm
Some exchanges that I have encountered on this and other message boards as well as personal discussions have made me think about the subject of emotional maturity. I first heard of this concept 15 years ago through a WCG article or sermon. However, in retrospect, the concept would have tended to be more of an oxymoron in those days of WCG because of many factors that stood in the way of emotional maturity. And perhaps, that manifests itself today in some of us.
I take the example of debates or confrontations that we find on message boards such as this. Debating a controversial issue can be healthy, but it depends on the emotional health of the people involved. Personal insecurities, feeling threatened by opposing views, getting defensive, or a "need" to be right about something are all manifestations of emotional deficiency, and end up turning many discussions into endless diatribes that waste alot of precious time.
Over the years, I have discovered through experience my own issues in this area. Being sheltered in the old ways of WCG had certainly taken their toll, as well as some unresolved family or origin issues.
Essentially, emotional maturity exists when we are able to take responsibility for our lives and not leave that to others, form our own thinking, opinions, and values not subject to the approval or disapproval of others, and have equal relationships with other people as opposed to one-up or one-down type relationships. Naturally, as children we do need others to take responsibility for us, and for parents and authority figures to help shape our thinking and values. As adults, we learn to become authorities over our own lives as well as become authorities in various areas of life such as in our careers, in parenting, or government.
Unfortunately, old WCG was not conducive to the development of emotional maturity. Our thinking, values as well as actions were subject to the approval of the organization. We were dependent on the organization to tell us what to believe and sometimes make our decisions for us. The pastor, elders, or leaders were above us, and we typically could not have equal relationships with them as with other members. All of this has probably affected us all in different ways, and it also depends on how we were able to develop emotionally in our own families of origin. I personally came into WCG at the start of my adulthood, so the development would end up being delayed for a few years to come. And I would confess that the development is still occuring.
In old WCG, everything tended to be in terms of black and white, there was little or no room for mystery or ambiguity. We needed absolute answers for everything. So naturally it is initially hard to deal with gray areas or moral dilemmas. It was probably an extra burden on pastors who had to help members with all kinds of nitpicky questions and concerns. Even as WCG went through the changes and some non essentials were hanging in the balance, some people were asking "what should I believe about this?"
When it comes to discussion groups, this is where alot of challenges begin. We have a deeply held view on some issue, and there are others on the message board who believe differently. So it is not uncommon to get into a "defense" mode to try to defend the belief, sometime vigorously. There may be a sense of feeling threatened by the opposing view. It indicates a deficiency in being able to think for oneself. Now, it is good to have our beliefs challenged, because it can either cause us to rethink our view, change or adjust it, or become more firmly established in our understanding. Iron can truly sharpen iron, but both sides must be holding up as "iron".
There can be a feeling of inferiority when one's view is challenged by a majority who believe differently. And that may be reflected in the person seeking affirmation or approval for themselves or their view. I have been guilty of this. Still, there are others who must take a superiority approach, and try to win over others, and be recognized as being "right", and vigorously prove the others as being wrong. It is a defensive attempt to feel above others to compensate for their feelings of inferiority. Then there are those who initiate a controversial discussion in order to stir up the reactions of those who will disagree, yet another indicator of inferiority and a quest to feel affirmation/approval for a personal view.
Occasionally, I have encountered people who are not defending an old belief, but a new one. Sometimes, someone can get so excited by a new understanding such as with reformed theology, pentecostal experiences, or liberal/progressive ideas, and seek to challenge those who do not hold those views. I think it all works the same, this need for approval or to feel more "right" than others.
I have been in this place alot over the last 10 years and it leads me to question my own motivations for topics that I either initiate or contribute to. I may be tempted to respond to something I disagree with because my own view is threatened or insecure. Or I need to feel better about my view, so I may be tempted to post something where I know of people who will disagree and react.
In a way, I can understand when discussions on these boards become emotionally charged, because we are probably all at different stages of developing what was emotionally stunted in the cult environment as well as during our upbringing, most definitely myself. Some of us are very secure in our beliefs, whether they reflect old WCG thinking or new or somewhere in between. Others of us still struggle. And that is ok, as long as we come to recognize it as a problem. Then hopefully through the grace of other people here, it can be worked through.
Much more can be said about this subject. If anyone is familiar with the work of John Townsend and Henry Cloud, they devote alot of time to this subject in several of their books. One of them is called "How People Grow". An excellent resource that was recommended to me several years ago is Cloud's "Changes That Heal". If you struggle with emotional issues from your past (and you will find that to include experiences in WCG), it is an excellent resource. Interestingly enough, it was recommended to me by a former WCG member as the best book he ever read about grace.
That former member who recommended the book was me. I met this individual when I was in California attending a Conference at Saddleback Community Church about Celebrate Recovery a few years ago. Knowing this individual personally, I can tell it has born a lot of good fruit.
It's just an example of never knowing how your positive influence will affect another. We don't know of all the others we have affected this way, but GOD does. And that is all we really need to know for now. He will let us know in the future when He passes out the rewards. :D
Praise God.