Mentoring

[jackie021]

I got this in an email...

"We have all had mentors; many of them, in fact. We might not have labeled
them as such, but throughout our lives we have been picking up ideas and
mannerisms from many people. From some, we sought to learn specific skills,
perhaps on the job or while in school. A few inadvertently became our
mentors simply because of our proximity to them. Along the way, we may have
chosen some mentors impulsively and to our detriment. The process of
mentoring is how most of us learn, ultimately. Have we forgotten that we,
too, have served as mentors for many others who have shared our journey?"
Keepers of the Wisdom by Karen Casey

Mentoring is healthy. What draws us into abusive mentoring situations? There has to be something in it for us? For me, the "exclusive" quality was alluring yet I knew it was wrong even at the time.

Jackie

[Oopsie Daisey]

I got this in an email...

"We have all had mentors; many of them, in fact. We might not have labeled
them as such, but throughout our lives we have been picking up ideas and
mannerisms from many people. From some, we sought to learn specific skills,
perhaps on the job or while in school. A few inadvertently became our
mentors simply because of our proximity to them. Along the way, we may have
chosen some mentors impulsively and to our detriment. The process of
mentoring is how most of us learn, ultimately. Have we forgotten that we,
too, have served as mentors for many others who have shared our journey?"
Keepers of the Wisdom by Karen Casey

Mentoring is healthy. What draws us into abusive mentoring situations? There has to be something in it for us? For me, the "exclusive" quality was alluring yet I knew it was wrong even at the time.

Jackie

I am not sure what I think of mentoring but I know that "exclusive"
quality that allures us to the wrong people, situations for me is there as well.
I don't know why I gravitate toward that kind of person but I have for years. NOT all my life but for many years Jackie! Maybe after my first abuse, I felt threatened by those who were healthy for fear they would see through me and see my pain and I didn't want to be that exposed...I was still ignorant that just because I got abused didn't mean I had it coming? Or perhaps that the people who were healthy would look at me and say OH HOW UNHEALTHY? It always seemed to be the abusers that understood and befriended before anyone else and didn't make me come out of hiding.....I know I can trace abuse back to my first love who wasn't my abuser but his parents were and then from then on ...it seemed that I made a series of bad choices.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Melanei :o

[Turtle]

Hi Jackie,

OOOYYYYY!!! Mentoring is a trigger for me (not your fault)
Our son was drawn into a mentoring situation that truly turned abusive to all our family. He was befirended, then slow-wly worn down, till he was to the point of being controlled, and grovelling to do whatever was wanted and it was never enough. Finally he "saw the light" but there was/is a lot of damage to undo.

[Oopsie Daisey]

Hi Jackie,

OOOYYYYY!!! Mentoring is a trigger for me (not your fault)
Our son was drawn into a mentoring situation that truly turned abusive to all our family. He was befirended, then slow-wly worn down, till he was to the point of being controlled, and grovelling to do whatever was wanted and it was never enough. Finally he "saw the light" but there was/is a lot of damage to undo.


I am afraid that has been my experience by people who thought they were going to do me a favor and they were doing themselves a favor by putting themselves in a situation where they were needed by me and they sucked it up and then that is indeed what the situation was with my ex-church family...That is how they suck them right in.....At least in my own life as well. Thanks for the feed back. I was afraid to tell of my own experience for fear that I would have been weird... After sharing the letter with my brother and getting a strange response from him last night, I am now leary today of saying what my actual experiences have been. I do this self doubt ...all because of poor mentoring.

Thanks Turtle, I know I am not Jackie but your reply to Jackie helped me.

Melanie

[Turtle]

:cool: :) :D

[Emerging]

Another great topic today! Thanks!

My experience was working with a lady who was nice and all about 10 years ago ... and that because I was so starved for attention and acceptance and like you all said, the "exclusivity" ... for years I thought it was SOOOO wonderful to be there and I kept looking back on that time as sooo ideal and how nothing could ever compare. Never. Ever.

Then they had an opening come up this month. I was nervously delighted, and emailed them as to whether they would consider me if I applied. First, it took them 3 days to reply to my simple email.... which is "eternity" in cyberspace as we all know. But no explanation for the delay was offered! The glow of years past began to fade.... I read through her e-reply to me and ... it was SO stiffly formal for it to have come from such a "great friend"! Then I began to remember how I wasn't warmly welcomed by most of the others, hardly ever included in their after-work parties and etc. Finally, the word "truly"... was I "truly" interested.... OUCH! Didn't she remember the "real" me, that I don't joke around about things like this? Obviously not - and maybe worst of all, she signed her email "sincerely", after making me feel sooo special and wonderful years ago ... and even though I had ended my email to her with "warmest regards".

I vented for awhile, I felt sad and angry and ... the confusion finally ebbed after all these years. And I replied soooo warmly and kindly, as though I hadn't noticed her games and unnecessary coolness at all, and in closing, wished her "all my best" just as sincerely as I could, given the fact that since she could no longer so tightly control me, she didn't want me around anymore.

Sad, very sad, but I got to work through another trigger without any public exposure or humiliation. sigh. Why can't people just all be nice and get along well? :confused: