Can't sleep--having groggy doubts

[DiligentLily]

Friends, I am kind of messed up here. I'm up in the middle of the night again and naturally when this happens I pick up my PDA and go online. It is a very familiar occurance for me. But I am realizing that this never really happened until I joined this forum and started working through a lot of my SA issues.

I have learned so much and gotten so much healing and am so grateful, but I have to acknowledge that until I joined here, I slept better and didn't eat nearly as much junk food as I have for the last two months. And also, my abusers are in my head almost constantly now, where before I could put them put of my mind for long periods of time. And I have had two or three bouts of depression since I joined here, lasting several days each time and one of them almost completely incapacitated me for a day or two. I am not ready to say that I should have just left well enough alone, but it does bother me how bothered I am.

Is this kind of turmoil part of the healing or a warning sign that I am doing something wrong? :(

[Voyager]

Is this kind of turmoil part of the healing or a warning sign that I am doing something wrong?
For me, it was like processing a trauma for the first time when I came here. I don't know what being physically raped is like, but I felt like I was spiritually raped in my former church. I would imagine that coming here to work through being spiritually raped would be similar to someone who has been physically raped finally confronting and working through the issues surrounding their trauma.

Many times, people just sweep all of their trauma-related issues under the rug and never face them. Coming here gets everything out in the open, and sometimes we learn things that are not too pleasant to handle. However, I am of the belief that if we never face our issues and process the grief that is pent-up within us, we will always have a closet full of baggage ready to tumble out at any given time. Lord knows I still have baggage tumbling out, as many of you have witnessed over the past week.

I think healing comes in layers. If we pursue healing, we will find it. If we run from it, we will just keep on running indefinitely. It's like an addict going to a rehab. He/she knows that a lot of things will come to the surface that need to be processed - which are the very things that are fueling their addictions.

That's my two-cents anyway. Hope it helps you tonight. Know that you are not the only one who is affected in this manner.

:cool:

[exwitchoz]

(((HUGS))) DL...

I for one don't think you are doing anything wrong mate...

I also have noticed a corresponding increase in my intake of comfort and junk food and a lot of lost sleep since I have been here... BUT... apart from the fact that I've put on a cpl of pounds and have red puffy eyes I doubt it will prove fatal... ;)

Yes... it hurts sometimes confronting things brought up here... hurts like hell in fact... but when all is said and done it HAS helped in the long term...

I guess I liken it to lancing a boil... a boil on the butt can be painful but you can live with it a lot of the time... but the danger of leaving it untreated is that it can slowly cause blood poisoning and slowly bit by bit eventually kill you...

...the treatmet - lancing the boil - often hurts more than leaving the boil alone... and it is a YUKKY thing to have to go thru... puss and blood and icky stuff - not to mention searing PAIN... and it may have to be done a couple of times before the boil is finally emptied and gone...

It's much the same here I've found...

I can bumble along thru life pretty much unaffected by the past for months but it's still there.... it eats away at my insides... it slowly poisons my faith and what starts as a 'stumbling block' eventually becomes and impassable brick wall...

...but here... well here the 'boil' gets lanced... and it often hurts... but there are others here who have been or are going thru the same thing who are all to willing to 'hold my hand' as it were... to encourage me to endure the pain just a little longer... to PRAY for and with me...

...it may take a lot more 'treatments' than I want to know about just now... BUT... after each 'session' I Am that little bit stronger... I see things a little more clearly... and rather than burying the past I am that little bit stronger and better equipped to OVERCOME it... and finally be the person Christ made to be...

I'm not there yet and have no idea if or when I'll ever 'get there' but I DO know I am a little closer now than I was before lobbing here out of a clear blue sky...

...and I would like to thank each and everyone here for that...

You have all been true brothers and sisters in Christ... and it is more appreciated than any of you will prolly ever know...

Hang in there a little bit longer if you can DL... but if you need some 'quiet time' by yourself that's OK too... either way know that there's a whole mess o' ppl here that not only care... but they understand to...

You're in my prayers mate...*thumbs up* :)

[DiligentLily]

Voyager, what you say has the ring of truth. I can see that this work needs to be done, but I feel guilty so often about the 'distraction' of it. My husband is very sweet and supportive of my doing this online here and elsewhere but I still feel like I shouldn't be selfishly devoting time to my problems when I have so many people dependent on me.

Jean-Luc, I just had to laugh--being up at 2:30 in the morning reading about lancing pus-filled boils is hilariously disgusting. I think I'll stick with this work if only for the horror of the idea that I have a spiritual boil to lance. Get that thing outta me! :D

[Voyager]

My husband is very sweet and supportive of my doing this online here and elsewhere but I still feel like I shouldn't be selfishly devoting time to my problems when I have so many people dependent on me.
One of the things my wife has told me is this: The only way for me to act in a healthy way towards those who depend on me is for me to do the work to take care of myself and get healthy. Selah.

Maybe you can set limits for yourself? Is an hour a day too much or too little for you?

:cool:

[Anna Marta]

I can see that this work needs to be done,but I feel guilty...
...but I still feel like I shouldn't

Dear DL,

You came to the right place in the wee hours of the night.

Just those 2 sentences alone show that it can be worth the battle to keep working. Guilt and should are BIG deals in life that are worth getting out from under.

Something I am still learning is that guilt 1) Does not come from God. When we are convicted by the Lord it produces Godly sorrow which leads to repentence, forgiveness and freedom. 2) Guilt is not a feeling, it is a judgment. We accept that we have been declared guilty of "whatever" and then we feel ... as a result of that. So when guilt comes I know I have to dig deeper to discover the root and deal with it.

Something I am still learning about should 1) It is a nasty burden laid on my shoulders to do or say thing that I don't want to do but think I am being forced into. 2) If I can scoop out where it comes or who it comes from it is easier for me to make the decision "guilt-free" about what action I want to take or is the right and proper thing to take. Ex. I don't swallow the nasty tasting medicine because I should; I take it because I have decided that it's better to take it than become sicker - so it is MY free will to do or not to do. When we know the truth it sets us free!

Keep kicking DL it's worth it in the long run. And I selfishly don't want to lose you. I need your kindness and love.

Hugs,
Anna Marta

[Jerry]

Dear Lily,,,,
You are soooooo frickin normal !!! ;) Recovery is a lot of hard work,with lots of hills and valleys......Recovery sure ain't for sissys :D :D I think your doing well ;)
Love Jerry

[SpinningHead]

I found this forum for one major incident in my life...

the longer I stayed...I realized I had suppressed a LOT of incidents in my life! and it stunk to think that I was over it, moved on but the painful reality was I never dealt with any of it.

Jerry's right...you are soooooo fricken' normal!

Hang in there. :)

[Willow]

I was trying to think back to when I first discovered help online. Yah.. it was very overwhelming and I felt really kind of weird about my outlandish reactions to things. I mean... I can't go into detail... but one such forum triggered very intense dreams. When I shared the dreams... they were totally inappropriate for the forum. I was sooo embarassed. However... sticking through those intense times brought a deepening healing. I haven't been willing to leave. I'm one of those 8 year people who keep coming back. Heck... someone was shamed recently for being here that long. I almost took the shame and realized that it takes as long as it takes. I'm certainly not licking my wounds. If it takes 20 years... I'll still be here. Oops... sidetrack! What I'm saying is... it gets less intense over time *blush*

[DiligentLily]

Thank you all. This really helps. I should have known better, though, than to start a thread in a depression because i can't summon up the focus to answer your comments as thoroughly as they deserve. I just want to cry all the time.

And in addition to all the other turmoil I mentioned I am starting to face the fact that I might have ADD/OCD and that's very weird and depressing for me. I won't go into it here. I think it belongs on the NACR forum.

Anyway when I am 'up' again, I'll be able to answer better. Thank you again so much. this is a terrific place. And Willow you have beautiful eyes. I like looking at your icon as much as the Ayatollah of Gorgonzola's!