View Full Version : I am scared
Beloved of God
11-20-2004, 08:06 PM
I wanted to share this here also............
I was not certain if I should post on this forum or the abuse forum, but I think I know people on this forum a little better. Maybe I will on both Can I copy and paste?
I just received an E-mail from both my sisters who want to come up and visit me the week after Thanksgiving. I said "yes" before I prayed and thought about it. Now, I am being triggered big time because they have both verbally abused me in the past.
The last time I saw them was when I was in U.C Davis ICU recovering from a very, close suicide attempt last spring. I was comatose for several days with liver failure. I take responsibility (I hope) for what I almost did, however I have been abused almost all of my life and my sisters still bring fear to my heart. I have been in therapy.
Please pray for wisdom for me that, if I am not ready to see them yet, that God would give me courage to change my mind and tell them I am not ready yet. When I was in the hospital, I was so out of it that I really did not care
Dear Lord, please help me.............Beloved of God aka Princess
11-21-2004, 06:50 AM
I pray you have the courage to do what you need to take care of yourself. Are your sisters still abusive to you?
Do whatever you need to be peaceful during the holidays. Holidays are stressful enough in themselves without added interpersonal conflict. I pray you have a good holiday. I plan to keep the holiday simple as possible. If something stresses me out just thinking about it... I will avoid it if at all possible. That is my resolution for this holiday.
11-21-2004, 10:33 AM
Wonderful name. Well fitting, too - because you ARE well beloved of God.
I can really reltate to your fear. I lived almost 2000 miles from my dad - but just receiving a letter from him sent chills all over me and I almost broke down before even opening it - just KNOWING there would be more "stuff" bad about me written in it. Even birthday cards had some kind of jab.
I realized when I was in a trauma recovery program in a local psychiatric hospital that my family was not safe for me and that I needed to keep a distance for as long as it took for me to get strong. Knowing that was one thing...finding the strength to enforce it was quite another.
Then, one day, a young Chaplain came in to visit. I was really hung up on the whole idea of anger being wrong...I'd seen what anger did in my dad - and I wasn't about to be angry about anything. We got to discussing God's view of anger - which was important to me. She suggested that Jesus got angry and to that I said, "Well, they were degrading the House of God - He had a RIGHT to be angry because they were messing with God's creation!" After that, the Chaplain sat back, smiled and said, "Well...YOU'RE one of God's creations! Don't you think getting angry over messing with you is righteous, too?"
That blew me away. Any defense I had left saying I couldn't be angry over what happened to me just melted. The Chaplain was emensely happy with herself and said, "I love it when this happens!" ha ha ha...
I'm telling you this because you are a child of God who NEVER EVER deserved to be abused. Anger, if taken wrong, can be HIGHLY destructive. HOWEVER...anger, taken as a warning sign that your boundaries have been crossed can be very good - AND it can give you the strength to say no when you need to.
My little story may not have been what it takes to get to that place in you that says what has happened is REALLY wrong (knowing it in your head is different from knowing it in your heart)...but I hope something will be someday. If you use an "other analogy", that sometimes helps, too. Think of a child you know and love - and then imagine all that has happened to you as if it were happening to that child. You would probably feel angry. You would think it was unfair and wrong. Well, sweetie...you're no different. What's wrong for another person is wrong when it happens to you, too.
So, I pray that you will be able to latch on to that strength you need to say no. It doesn't matter that you already said yes. Try to remember that your life doesn't happen in discrete little bursts...it's ongoing. If you disappoint your sisters now (which, in my book, is not that bad a thing to do), over time, they'll get over it and if reconciliation is meant to be in the future, then it can happen. You have to decide how much of your power you're going to keep giving to them...I say "none" for right now.
However, I also understand the idea of emotional safety - and it might not feel emotionally safe for you to call them up and say, "Umm...I don't think I want to see you." However, it seems you might have time to write to them... Just get a little card and send them both a note saying you're not in a good spot right now and would rather be alone (or whatever)...then, screen your calls (thank goodness for call answering machines). Don't answer your phone until someone leaves a message and then call them back. It's only for a while. Or, you can request response by mail only or something. Whatever keeps you feeling safe.
Best wishes to you. I hope you find someone wonderful and uplifting to spend your time with. You only have one life - you have EVERY RIGHT to decide who you want to give the precious commodity of time to...and insisting they be quality, uplifting people is a good thing!
Right on Hannah!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Beloved, please take care of you, even if it means saying no to your sisters. Time is needed to heal from any kind of abuse. If your body is screaming NO to hanging out with these two, don't add insult to an already huge injury. Do you have someone that you can be safe and comfortable with instead? I wish I were there to give big hugs. Be safe. Remember how incredibly special and loved you are by our Abba, Father. Love, Elle
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