Matthew 5 on reconciliation

[DiligentLily]

And now for something completely different......

I have fallen out with my best friend from the abusive church. It's twelve years ago now since I was gossipped and shunned out of all my former friendships, and my best friend was absolutely with out a doubt the worst of them. She shunned my at my workplace, where I had many good friends, and it was humiliating and so bad that I had to get another job. This was a big deal because it was the best job of my life and I was well-paid, it was techical work and challenging and I was respected and on an upward path toward management or communications. It was a good place to work--a Fortune 500 company. And her gossip was absolutley over the top. We have barely spoken since.

A year and a half ago I called and e-mailed her attempting to reconcile. As far as she was concerned, she had nothing to apologize to me for. In her opinion I was completely the wrong-doer and owed her obeisance. But when I tried to reconcile, I made it clear that we had to forgive each other. She would have none of that. She just wanted to judge me, like she had judged many people in her life.

I tried again about 9 months later and she completely ignored me. Matthew 5 says I need to reconciled before bringing my gifts to the alter. Then later Matthew 18, I think, says what to do if she won't reconcile. I am torn. I know she won't respond to another attempt and I know that I won't get a fair hearing of my complaint in my old church, and she won't respect the opinion of my new church if I brought them into it. I feel obligated and yet helpless. :(

Advice?

[dougjb]

Hi DiligentLily,
I see that you are a person of high character. It takes strength to seek reconciliation with another person. You are only obligated to do your part in the matter. This is where your responsibility ends. You are not responsible for the other person's decisions, they are responsible for what they do. If they reject your offer, then you not under any further obligation. You are free. You never know, she may have a change of heart in the future so keep praying for her. Mercy triumphs over judgment!!!

Some food for thought
Dougjb

[mary]

Hi, Lily,

Sure, there's Matthew 5, but there's also Romans 12:18:

"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." (KJB)

You've done all you can. Dougjb is right, obviously. You've completely fulfilled the Lord's terms for reconciliation with your "sister." IMHO, you are not under any obligation to "leave your gift at the altar." If I were you, I wouldn't feel under any compunctions to do anything else or to beat myself up over it. You've done everything humanly possible, dear Lily!

My own personal experience with the above verse is that I made "Romans 12:18 - please?" the subject line of the last e-mail I sent to "pastor," despite what he'd done to me. (I did consider that all of the offense was on his side, but he'd nailed me for some minor personal remark I'd made to him and so I decided - as you did - to be "the bigger person.") However, "pastor" totally ignored my e-mail, whereupon I had my attorney send him the slander warning letter, which, I was told later by a "mole" in the congregation, upset the crap out of him for awhile, but not enough, apparently, for him to think he needed to put anything right.

I'd be happy to PM you pertinent parts of my e-mail to "pastor" in which I referred to Romans 12:18, if you'd like.

I'm sorry your situation has resulted in this kind of mental anguish still continuing for you...

mary

[Patty]

Lily, your situation so echos my own. I tried Matthew 18 for so long, only to get more and more abuse, slander, mocking and shunning heaped in my face. It was an exercise in futility. But, in the long run, it helped me see these people for who they really were. It was a harsh reality.

I think the problem is in a spiritually abusive church the powers that be really DON'T follow the bible, as God would intend, even if some of its members think they do. Your friend is following the false leaders gossip/accusations/slander about you, not the Word of God. If she refuses to follow God's word, what would you think God would have you do in response?

If you continue to read in Matthew 18, it talks about forgiveness. You may have to let her go, continue to forgive 70 x7 and pray for her freedom from the false religion. Only then, will she be able to see scripture in its intended light.

[ex-shep]

Actually that came up in a sermon in a Methodist church in Ohio. I did email the pastor for his take. If one has made a conscientious effort then it all one can do.

Tammy thinks that I am a slanderer of the brethren even though I am a member of the same church. There is a growing movement toward reconciliation in the whole church. Still her mind is made up. I am powerless.

Jesus in the same sermon on the mount warns not to throw one's pearls to the swine or give holy to the dogs, that includes everyone. I have Christian acquaintances whose interactions I keep to a minimum. Metro Ailrines in one workgroup had some real winners. We had one man who was going to do things his way and could not be conviced even by the president himself to follow protocol. Thankfully I had enough recovery to take him with a grain of sodium chloride. Then we had a rather eccentric Sunday school teacher who would talk incessantly of one model of plane. After listening to him, I gave serious thought to ditching my flight benefits and going Greyhound. Then we had the older woman who from a oneness pentecostal group. How we all worked in that little workroom with killing each other was a miracle in itself.

I will say the years of praying for Tammy daily, sometimes for hours, has paid some curious dividends. I have joined her group, appreciative of the reforms, in one church. I am also blogging with other current and former members. There is perhaps the beginning of another move towards reconciliation. The friendship with Tammy spun off a whole new set of fellowship.

I left my job because of harassment by a female employee. It was ugly. So I can relate. I am not angry at Maria. If anything I feel sorry for her. She is not a happy person. I came to the conclusion the Lord is doing something in the background. I just quietly stepped out of the way.

I realized I have digressed. To answer your post, if you have made a conscientious effort, which you clearly have, then you did the best you could. One of the associate pastors puts it this way, "If you stand before the Lord with integrety and explain why you took the path you did, then you are on solid ground".

[DiligentLily]

Thank you Shep and Patty and Mary and Doug. It helps me relax a bit about it. I still wonder, though, whether I have stopped too soon. I never took it to the elders. I wouldn't have a fair hearing if I did, though.

Hi DiligentLily,
I see that you are a person of high character. It takes strength to seek reconciliation with another person.

No, I cannot accept that praise, Doug. I think the truth is that I have a sick obsession to be accepted by people who reject me. That's all. I have always allowed people to push me around, until my husband came along and lent me his backbone. I think that is part of the reason my old 'friend' freaked out so much on me. She had always felt she could push me around, and suddenly here I am, not push-around-able.

Rambling, I know.

Doug, the following is very helpful to me: "If you stand before the Lord with integrety and explain why you took the path you did, then you are on solid ground".

Thank you all. I'll keep praying for her and hope for the best. I guess I shouldn't right that e-mail I was planning to send today, with a subject line something like "What the heck's the matter with you--reconcile already!"

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=DiligentLily;42654]Thank you Shep and Patty and Mary and Doug. It helps me relax a bit about it. I still wonder, though, whether I have stopped too soon. I never took it to the elders. I wouldn't have a fair hearing if I did, though.

In the group I lost Tammy and the bible school I exited, I would have a better time having diplomatic relations with Satan and sucessfully closing a fair deal at Honest Al's Used Car Emporium. I knew the deck was stacked against me. So I did not even bother playing. I remember I special ordered two books on cults from the bible school book store before I walked out. The books came in a week later. I tried to get my roommate to pick them up since he worked on campus. I had to pick them up. I knew the second I walked on campus, it would be gang up time. So the bookstore never got my business and I kept what little shred of sanity I had. :eek:

[Jerry]

I tried again about 9 months later and she completely ignored me. Matthew 5 says I need to reconciled before bringing my gifts to the alter. Then later Matthew 18, I think, says what to do if she won't reconcile. I am torn. I know she won't respond to another attempt and I know that I won't get a fair hearing of my complaint in my old church, and she won't respect the opinion of my new church if I brought them into it. I feel obligated and yet helpless. :(

Advice?
Dear Lily,,,
Could you please site the verses that you feel obligate to reconcile to such an obvious enemy....Seriously I am confused,,,,,I find no verses that suggest that you should behave in a conciliatory manner toward this woman,,,and I would like to respond to your questions....
Love Jerry

[Carmen]

Thank you Shep and Patty and Mary and Doug. It helps me relax a bit about it. I still wonder, though, whether I have stopped too soon. I never took it to the elders. I wouldn't have a fair hearing if I did, though.

I couldn't take the matter to any elders or others that would oversee that pastor either, since the elders I knew of would never deviate from his opinion and there is no denominational council, the church doesn't really belong to a denomination, only follows a particular ideology. I think that there is a point where no further contact would serve, but might even be considered molestation by the other party.

The last action I did was to send a copy of the Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse to the pastor, that should have gotten his attention if he was listening. I don't think that I can do more if he doesn't want reconciliation. The case doesn't seem closed, that bothers me, but God will have to do the rest.

[DiligentLily]

Dear Lily,,,
Could you please site the verses that you feel obligate to reconcile to such an obvious enemy....Seriously I am confused,,,,,I find no verses that suggest that you should behave in a conciliatory manner toward this woman,,,and I would like to respond to your questions....
Love Jerry
Umm...no! :D I don't think I can. That's not saying much, though, because I am not a good bible verse quoter. I left off serious bible study after leaving my abusive church and have forgotten a lot of what I used to know.

I think that there is a point where no further contact would serve, but might even be considered molestation by the other party. Yes, I think you are right. I am close to being accused of harrassment, I think.

[Jerry]

Umm...no! :D I don't think I can.

Sweetie,,,,,your exactly correct ;) ,,,,,,,,,,,,,there aren't any :D
Love Jerry