Why I am spitting nails

[David L Rattigan]

I received an email this morning from a friend of mine with whom I hadn't been in touch for a while. When she and her husband graduated from seminary a year or two back, they became associate pastors at her home church, and a few months ago they decided to express a few concerns about the way a particular program was being run. (http://gracepages.blogspot.com/2004/09/why-im-spitting-nails.html)

In the space of a week, they lost their apartment, their jobs, their friends and their church, their spiritual home. They weren't allowed to say goodbye, because church members are now forbidden to have contact with them. According to her, there was "emotional blackmail and manipulation". Lest you think they'd become involved in some cult on the fringes of Christianity, the church they were ejected from is part of a fairly mainstream, respectable evangelical denomination.

I'm spitting nails right now. I know how shabbily some pastors think they can treat fledgling associate pastors, because I've been there myself. I've also seen a lot of manipulation and spiritual abuse in my time, and I'm fed-up hearing the same stories over and over again.

It makes me mad and it makes me sick.

Dave

[Voyager]

It sounds like your friends have escaped a religious cult that is based in control, guilt, shame, and fear. I was in one myself. It doesn't matter what denominational or non-denominational name is on the door - they're all the same. If you don't comply with their power-posturing rules, they will punish you with shame and isolation.

The leaders of these "churches" actually believe they are following God by excommunicating people like this. The saddest part of it is that many of the members who get kicked out end up living in shame and guilt over it for years. I still see people from time to time who escaped my former church that say things like "Yeah, I really missed God when I left. I grieved the Holy Spirit and now I am lost. I need to get right with God." I try to encourage them that they don't have to wear that shame and guilt like a winter coat 24/7, but some of them just don't get it.

The one word that seems to sum up the feelings that people have after spiritual abuse is "empty". They feel like their whole purpose in life has been stripped away from them. It's like a death of a very close loved one. It took me about five years to recover from the daily grief, pain, and emptiness that I endured after leaving my former abusive church of 12 years. That's about the same amount of time that it takes to get over a death of a loved one or a loss from a divorce. It just takes time - and education. Some people never get over the loss of spiritual abuse because they are constantly beating themselves up for "not measuring up".

After five years of desperately searching for a good church, I finally overcame my religious addiction and was able to find safe relationships outside the church. I know all too well the feelings of longing for a community of faith. However, because of the trust issues I faced with spiritual authority figures, I could not bring myself to "come under" any of them again. It takes time, but I have found peace and happiness apart from being a member of a church. I never thought it would happen - but it did. I'm not saying I would never attend a church again, but it would have to be a very safe group without a dictator at the helm - which is extremely rare. Many people don't agree with my new-found philosophies about church, and that's okay. I'm not trying to get anyone's approval.

Welcome to the forum!

:cool:

[Turtle]

The one word that seems to sum up the feelings that people have after spiritual abuse is "empty". They feel like their whole purpose in life has been stripped away from them.

BINGO!!!

You hit that one on the head!Well said, Voyager!

At the same time that I have learned to enjoy life again, perhaps even more so than before, there is that hollowness of something having been forcibly removed. Although I am happy to be out of that abusive church, I feel a void. The place didnt' start out abusive. I gave it my heart and soul, and it was a place where I could genuinely serve and worship God. Okay I can do that anywhere, but having it stolen from me at the time, left me battered.

I feel like it might be something like being confident in a career, and then being suddenly fired. There are LOTS of opportunies, but.....

Welcome to the forum, Dave R!

[Jerry]

Dear Dave,,,,
It is perfectly ok to be "Pissed Off"I am on your side,,,,,,,sometimes when all is said and done we must rely on the old tried and true standby,,,,,the infameous "Hwaian salute" if ya get my drift :cool:
Love Jerry

[MCM (Mary)]

David, I'm curious. What was the program and what was wrong about how it was being run? What did your friends try to do about it?

[Oopsie Daisey]

I received an email this morning from a friend of mine with whom I hadn't been in touch for a while. When she and her husband graduated from seminary a year or two back, they became associate pastors at her home church, and a few months ago they decided to express a few concerns about the way a particular program was being run.[/url]

In the space of a week, they lost their apartment, their jobs, their friends and their church, their spiritual home. They weren't allowed to say goodbye, because church members are now forbidden to have contact with them. According to her, there was "emotional blackmail and manipulation". Lest you think they'd become involved in some cult on the fringes of Christianity, the church they were ejected from is part of a fairly mainstream, respectable evangelical denomination.

I'm spitting nails right now. I know how shabbily some pastors think they can treat fledgling associate pastors, because I've been there myself. I've also seen a lot of manipulation and spiritual abuse in my time, and I'm fed-up hearing the same stories over and over again.

It makes me mad and it makes me sick.

Dave

Yeah it does make a person mad and sick... That is the way it is done.... That is really so sad and most unfortunate but I would tell you that is exactly how I felt I was treated when I left. Those things happened but they justified their actions so well. Yes as turtle said, Left feeling empty, like what happened? Why? So many questions and even denial for a little...It is a sick church they left and they are better off gone...So sorry they are in so much pain. My heart indeed truly goes out to them.

Blessings,
melanie

[OldEnt]

It makes me mad and it makes me sick.

Dave


Ditto..... :(

[Emerging]

and Thankfully you know exactly what happened and why so you can help them sort it all out and begin to heal from that horrible krap perpetrated against them! :mad:

imho, it sounds like they very innocently bumped up against a very dark secret of some sort and so were gotten rid of in no time at all, as that behavior perped against them was totally fear based.

Totally wrong no matter why it was done, and all my best to your friends as they work to put their lives back together .... FAR BETTER THAN THEY WERE BEFORE!!! :)