Dear Dad...

[Voyager]

Dear Dad,

Where were you when I needed you?
Were you having lots of fun?
Did you forget about the little details?
Did you forget you had a son?

All my life I've felt the pain,
Of when you left me on that day.
The wounds have never healed yet,
The marks are there to stay.

Something inside me tells me that,
I am worthless and no good.
It came from you walking out on me.
If you didn't want me, who would?

In spite of you rejecting me,
I've really done quite well.
But the fear of more abandonment,
Makes my life a living hell.

I'm trying now to be a dad,
But something seems to be lacking.
The sad fact is - I don't know how,
Because my own dad sent me packing.

I try to look for things to numb,
The grief and hurt I feel inside.
I'd like to hold my head up high,
Instead I choose to run and hide.

Where are all my grandparents and cousins?
Where are all the uncles and aunts?
Maybe if I had a brother or sister to talk to,
I wouldn't go on these frigging rants.

:cool:

[Beloved of God]

Oh, Voyager, you make me weep! That is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I truly am. :( Thank you, John for sharing that beautiful, but tragic poem with us. It reminds me that I still need so much healing from the abuse and neglect which my dad gave me.

[Willow]

I think you are on the right track posting about your childhood abandonment... by both Dad and God.

Love ya Bro.

Willow

[Reg]

Like John, I was abandoned by my father as an infant.

Here's a bit from my testimony.

I was raised during my infant years mostly by my Grandmother up to age 5. My mother was very young when she had me and worked while my Grandmother nurtured me in the first few years of my life. I never knew my real father. Apparently he left when I was very young in my first year. I don't remember him at all. My mother didn't talk about him at all. She still doesn't and I don't ask any questions.

When my stepfather came on the scene, I was about 4-5 Years old and was told he had been away in the Navy. It wasn't until I was 18 that I found out he wasn't my real father. They never told me. I thought he was my father as I grew up.. I remember, I HATED him so much that I wanted him to just go away and leave Mom & I alone. I remember, I wanted to have him murdered. Then when I found out he wasn't my real father, I went BALLISTIC. It was at that time that I didn't trust anyone. I lived life in a carefree or perhaps I should say, careless way. Because I felt I had been betrayed by my parents, I did what I wanted to & there was no longer any controlling influence in my life.

----------------------------

That was a long time ago and although I've paid a price overcoming this part of my childhood, I have accepted the fact and moved on with my life. I came to a certain reconciliation with my stepfather before he died.

He got cancer when he was about 60 and shortly before he died, he said to me, "Reg all I want to do is go to sleep." For him to confess something like that was a first and I could see in his eyes regret and although he never said he was sorry, I knew he was making amends to me. I felt sorry for him and all the hate and animosity I had felt towards him vanished. It was less than a week later he died.

[Voyager]

When my stepfather came on the scene, I was about 4-5 Years old and was told he had been away in the Navy. It wasn't until I was 18 that I found out he wasn't my real father.

My mom married her second husband when I was 11-years-old. He moved us from Illinois to Arkansas and pulled us away from everyone and everything we knew. He was an ex-marine cop and decided he was going to teach us "city boys" some good country discipline. He never did any of it out of love. He was quick to beat us with a belt or whatever was handy. He literally ruined my life. I lost all my friends and had to try to find new ones. We moved six times, so that meant I had to attend six different schools. Each school meant proving myself again and facing the rejection that came from being the new kid.

I hate my step dad, and I have not forgiven him. As a matter of fact, I tried to call him a few months back. I was going to tell him off for invading my life and screwing it up. His wife answered the phone and I didn't leave a message. Later I decided not to do it, because it wouldn't accomplish anything.

Right now the whole forgiveness doctrine is not something that I am embracing. You see, I used to be a forgiveness advocate when I was in my former abusive church. Forgive, forgive, forgive is all I used to tell people. I remember telling an old friend who was unjustly thrown in jail that he would have to forgive his accuser. He laughed at me.

I now think that forgiveness is a state of mind that we can psych ourselves into. We basically try to forget about what was done to us and then stuff the associated emotions and pain. I don't think it's a one-time thing. It's also not something that you can just do anytime you want to. For me to say "I forgive my step dad" would be polly-parrot lip service right now. Sure, I could say it - but it wouldn't be real. At this point I do not have the ability to forgive him, because I simply stuffed all of my anger and hate towards him. I cannot stuff it any longer, I need to process the grief and emotions associated with it. Otherwise it will always be there, even if I say "I forgive, I forgive".

:cool:

[Voyager]

Dear Step Dad,

I have wanted to tell you this for a long time. I think you are a rotten, no-good loser for ruining my childhood. Everything was fine until you came along. My mom, my brother, and I had found a good home with my grandparents, my uncle, and my cousins who had lost their mom to suicide. We were all one big happy family. Then you came on the scene and wrecked it all.

Now my cousins that I grew up with act like I am some long lost cousin, instead of treating me like a brother. If you wouldn't have ruined everything, I would be very close to them still. My brother is in prison now, and my step-sister (your daughter) is in a mental institution. My mom has her hands full dealing with the fallout of all of this. My brother's kids borrow her out of house and home. I wonder how things would be if you wouldn't have come into the picture.

I spent several years acting like a servant to you. You thought that because you got a purple heart because of a knee injury that we were your government-hired slaves to take care of you. You were so wrong. I ought to take your ex-marine a** out and kick it real good, but you deserve so much more than that. People like you should be in prison. You are a life-wrecker, and you don't care about anyone but yourself.

You thought you could buy my affections. You would beat me, and then buy me a toy to make up for it. How about I bend your a** over right now and beat you with a board? Then I will buy you a toy. You're not even worth wasting my time with. End of conversation.

:cool:

[Jerry]

Dear Voyager,,
Forgive and forget????Ha,,,only if your a fool.Voyager you need to "Forgive/Resolve" for your sake.But like I have posted before;"Forgiviness doesn't equal Reconcilliation"Voyager I am on your side.Forgiving him doesn't mean you gotta like the basturd :D All it means is getting to a place of peace for you.Thats what I care about for you anyway ;)
Love Jerry

[Willow]

((((((((((((((Voyager)))))))))))))))))))

Better out than in! I bet there are a few more choice words you can write!!! You're being too nice!

[Sheep]

Voyager,

So glad you were able to type this letter. Hoped it help release some of your grief and sadness. We can choose to forgive, but unfortunately we never forget. I shed many tears reading your letter! I wrote one to my dad (for myself) last spring. Blessings on your continued journey. God is doing a healing work in you!

Sheep

[FreeBird]

I can see why he deserved to be banned. Please remove his abusive posts. They are no more worthy to be here than he is.

:mad:

[Willow]

I miss Voyager. Can he come back to the forum please Jerry?

[FreeBird]

I miss Voyager. Can he come back to the forum please Jerry?

Thanks Amy. I think Jerry has allowed me to be here under the FreeBird name. I guess it's up to me if I want to be here or not. It's kind of hard to think of coming back to somewhere that I got the boot from... but I do have good friends here. You are one of them.

I realize my defensive and argumentative actions did get things heated at times. I just got tired of people talking down to me and shaming me for my beliefs not being Biblical enough, and I started telling them off. If no one was allowed to ridicule me in that manner, I would not have returned fire.

Let's face it... many of us on this forum are codependents. When we were young we didn't get our emotional and physical needs met. That caused us to look to sources of inspiration outside of ourselves to make us feel better, because our internal sources of inspiration are broken due to neglect and abandonment. The voices inside our head are always telling us how bad and unworthy we are, so we need voices from outside of us to counter them.

When someone tells a codependent that we are not good enough (which is what happens with religious condemnation), we can get very defensive and argumentative. That is apparently what got me banned from here a year ago. If there was a simple rule in place on this forum that didn't allow us to ridicule and condemn each other, 99.9% of the problems that caused meltdowns in the past would be eliminated. The mods need to understand how codependents operate... because I would guess that well over 75% of the people who come to this forum are codependents.

Abusive churches are full of codependents. The leaders of abusive churches are usually always codependents themselves... and birds of a feather flock together. What codependents need is outside sources to validate them and give them approval. The abusive pastor provides that by telling us how much God wants to love us, and what we need to do to stay on God's "good side". However, this makes us vulnerable to abuse when we find someone who makes us feel good about ourselves (i.e. the pastor/god), and then uses our vulnerabilities to manipulate us through fear, shaming, and guilt. It's a very destructive cycle.

I don't have anything against anyone here at all. I understand how all this codependent crap works... but that still doesn't fix me. I am still very broken inside and probably always will be. I need affirmation on a daily basis that I am a good person, because the voices that were embedded into my head as a child are telling me the opposite. I hate the fact that I am that way. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I just have to deal with it, just like many of you do.

When people treat me with respect, I always return the same and more. But when people talk down to me and shame me for what I believe, what I look like, etc., I get very defensive because it just reinforces the self-condemnation that is already going on inside my head. Like Jerry said, I take it personal. It's not like I hear voices like a schizophrenic or anything, but there is this permanent feeling that I am not worthy of love, care, and affection. It's the feeling of being abandoned and neglected as a young child that has always stayed with me.

If I was going to stay on this forum, I would need Jerry's help to step in and be a referee when people ridicule my beliefs or shame me. Otherwise I will defend myself, which doesn't usually turn out very good (aka forum meltdown/flame wars). I don't believe I am the only one here who is like this. There have been countless forum meltdowns here that I was not involved in. I know it may seem best to the mods to just let people fight it out, but I think it is very damaging. Maybe Jerry and Dale are not codependents?

Anyway, it did grieve me to get the boot from here. It simply re-confirmed to me that I will always be abandoned, rejected, and betrayed because I am worthless. But I picked up and went on and created my own safe place. However, I do think this forum has a great potential to help people. But without a referee to step in and stop the crosstalk when it crosses the line, it also has the potential to destroy people. If that safety net is still not in place here, it would probably be best for me to stay away because eventually someone would shame and ridicule me, and I would have to resort to defending myself again.

Just my humble opinion for whatever it is worth.

:cool:

[Willow]

I miss you John. I hope this helps resolve the wounds inflicted on you here. I personally wish you would continue to post here.

Me? I don't talk too much about my belief system here anymore unless it fits the christian model. There are other places I go to hammer out my spirituality.

[FreeinJesus]

Voyager the poem says so very much! I know you were willing to look deep inside & let yourself be vulnerable by posting it. I'm sure many people can relate to what you have written, those who have been abuse & abandoned.

I don't recall the flame wars....maybe I had too much going on w/ my life & trying to recover after exiting the cult, or maybe I joined the forum after Voyager got kicked out...I honestly don't know. :confused:

Willow, I feel the same way because really, my whole belief system has been blown to pieces....so I need to just keep my trap shut as far as that goes cause I could get myself into trouble. I probably talk too much about it.:o

I for one hope Voyager/Freebird chooses to stick around & join in. We've all been through SA & we need to help one another.

[JaniceB]

If I was going to stay on this forum, I would need Jerry's help to step in and be a referee when people ridicule my beliefs or shame me. Otherwise I will defend myself, which doesn't usually turn out very good (aka forum meltdown/flame wars). I don't believe I am the only one here who is like this.

You're so right! I hesitate to share some of my off-the-wall ideas about things--including reincarnation, what happens after death--because I don't want to muddy the waters here. I'm at the point now that I really don't care that much what people think. I would be very upset, though, if I were kicked off this forum simply because of my weird beliefs.

I also don't like arguments. Too much of that growing up. What works for me, works for me. Same goes for other people. I've also been known to change and even to come back to ideas and beliefs I've rejected before.

I guess what it all boils down to is that you can't make anyone believe something they just don't--or aren't ready to--believe. I can't even make myself believe something I don't believe. Love on someone else's part is the only thing that might bring me around. Disrespect only triggers my rebellion.

[FreeinJesus]

I hesitate to share some of my off-the-wall ideas about things--including reincarnation, what happens after death--.... I'm at the point now that I really don't care that much what people think. I would be very upset, though, if I were kicked off this forum simply because of my weird beliefs.

I also don't like arguments. Too much of that growing up. What works for me, works for me. Same goes for other people. I've also been known to change and even to come back to ideas and beliefs I've rejected before.

I guess what it all boils down to is that you can't make anyone believe something they just don't--or aren't ready to--believe. I can't even make myself believe something I don't believe. Love on someone else's part is the only thing that might bring me around. Disrespect only triggers my rebellion.

Wow JaniceB! :) I can relate to that!
fij

[Willow]

You're so right! I hesitate to share some of my off-the-wall ideas about things--

I sure am glad someone else here has some "ouside the christian norm" beliefs! It makes me feel less of an oddball :)