Finally, a Survivor

[ln2006]

Dear New Friends,

I have been through one of the most difficult journeys I could ever have gone through. In 2001, I was a devout Roman Catholic. That year, something happened which was not right, that I do not want to put into this message. It was abusive in a manner that violated me. Turning to the church for healing and apology, I received instead, silence, and anger on select occasions when sound happened. For two years I walked through silence. Then, when the scandal thing broke out, we went to sound. I have stored, 8000 emails from this religious group. However, the situation that happened, I was not allowed to discuss with them. I waited for 5 years, giving up, then telling myself to hang in there. Maybe someday we will be able to talk as real people, maybe I will finally be able to forgive this, maybe this person will apologize for what she did (nun). However, I continued to get volumes of email about everything BUT the situation. This week, I made a decision to no longer continue in this. I called a religious from another order who had been so kind to me, to talk. She was so ugly to me on the phone and to my husband. I went from being ignored, to receiving an average of at times 3 to 10 emails a day, and as of late, 1 or 2 emails a day, but all in all, about 8000 emails is what I have stored. I decided to stop, and even when I did decide not to continue this, they would still email. So I had to block them.

Okay, so I am sitting here, wondering if I am ever going to be able to go back to a church, any church. I was, and loved being, Roman Catholic, but this situation, and the way they handled it, and ignored me, and then flooded me with sound but no answers, has put my mind in a tailspin and for my own sanity, I had to stop the communication when it was obvious this was not about anything real.

There is something I realized today. I always took the blame for when bad things happened. Must have been something I did. Today, that changed. I was able to say to myself and to one of these Catholic people, "the way you are choosing to treat me is not lifegiving and your callousness is not my problem. It is something you are going through and have to handle. This is not about me at all."

Guess I was focusing too much on letting people be on a pedestal. They are now off of this. Will I remain RC? I do not know. I am leaning towards no as an answer. Sky, sea, wind and mountains, my nature cathedral. There are no harsh words, or meanness, or judgementalisms. God is merciful and kind, slow to anger, abounding in mercy. All these things read, but not lived.

In 2006 I continue my journey. The person that hurt me, is speaking at a large conference I was set to attend. Understandably, I am not going to it. She has been rewarded over and over and over for her indiscretion and telling me what she did was "therapeutic" when in fact, she wasn't even licensed to do the massage she did to begin with. Never explained herself, showed a caring for our need to know, just told me on the phone once "don't say anything!" and when I did, I was the person punished. I have been punished by it, for the repercussions in my life from that day. I could keep giving this my power. But no. I don't want to be at that conference. I do not wish to heal with these people anymore. I need all the energy right now to heal myself and care for my family.

Spiritual Abuse was really bad, but I know that I am not bad and I don't have to believe what they tell me, how I am treated, and shunned. Those that know me and love me for whom I am, know that I am a child of God.

LN
survivor of clergy abuse and the spiritual abuse that followed.

[renee nelson]

Dear New Friends,

I have been through one of the most difficult journeys I could ever have gone through. In 2001, I was a devout Roman Catholic. That year, something happened which was not right, that I do not want to put into this message. It was abusive in a manner that violated me. Turning to the church for healing and apology, I received instead, silence, and anger on select occasions when sound happened. For two years I walked through silence. Then, when the scandal thing broke out, we went to sound. I have stored, 8000 emails from this religious group. However, the situation that happened, I was not allowed to discuss with them. I waited for 5 years, giving up, then telling myself to hang in there. Maybe someday we will be able to talk as real people, maybe I will finally be able to forgive this, maybe this person will apologize for what she did (nun). However, I continued to get volumes of email about everything BUT the situation. This week, I made a decision to no longer continue in this. I called a religious from another order who had been so kind to me, to talk. She was so ugly to me on the phone and to my husband. I went from being ignored, to receiving an average of at times 3 to 10 emails a day, and as of late, 1 or 2 emails a day, but all in all, about 8000 emails is what I have stored. I decided to stop, and even when I did decide not to continue this, they would still email. So I had to block them.

Okay, so I am sitting here, wondering if I am ever going to be able to go back to a church, any church. I was, and loved being, Roman Catholic, but this situation, and the way they handled it, and ignored me, and then flooded me with sound but no answers, has put my mind in a tailspin and for my own sanity, I had to stop the communication when it was obvious this was not about anything real.

There is something I realized today. I always took the blame for when bad things happened. Must have been something I did. Today, that changed. I was able to say to myself and to one of these Catholic people, "the way you are choosing to treat me is not lifegiving and your callousness is not my problem. It is something you are going through and have to handle. This is not about me at all."

Guess I was focusing too much on letting people be on a pedestal. They are now off of this. Will I remain RC? I do not know. I am leaning towards no as an answer. Sky, sea, wind and mountains, my nature cathedral. There are no harsh words, or meanness, or judgementalisms. God is merciful and kind, slow to anger, abounding in mercy. All these things read, but not lived.

In 2006 I continue my journey. The person that hurt me, is speaking at a large conference I was set to attend. Understandably, I am not going to it. She has been rewarded over and over and over for her indiscretion and telling me what she did was "therapeutic" when in fact, she wasn't even licensed to do the massage she did to begin with. Never explained herself, showed a caring for our need to know, just told me on the phone once "don't say anything!" and when I did, I was the person punished. I have been punished by it, for the repercussions in my life from that day. I could keep giving this my power. But no. I don't want to be at that conference. I do not wish to heal with these people anymore. I need all the energy right now to heal myself and care for my family.

Spiritual Abuse was really bad, but I know that I am not bad and I don't have to believe what they tell me, how I am treated, and shunned. Those that know me and love me for whom I am, know that I am a child of God.

LN
survivor of clergy abuse and the spiritual abuse that followed.

[renee nelson]

Welcome to the forum:)
What you have discribed is exacally what happened to me when I confronted my abuser.
I have learned that the abuser's response is usually the same, when confronted, they get angry at the victim and try to transfer their shame on to the victim.
I am so proud of you for making a choice not to recieve the responsibility/guilt for the abuse inflicted on you in any way shape or form.
GO GIRL!!!!! and please keep sharing:)

[ln2006]

There is no communicating with them. I was not getting anywhere. I tried. I got silence regarding the issue that I really needed to talk about. That night. What happened, why it happened, what would be done to ensure that she would not this again to any other innocent person. I am a mom. My kids have suffered, my husband and suffered. Never is it that abuse hurts only one person in the family.

For my own sanity, I face the silence, with my own silence. I take my power back.

One of the hardest things for me is that I taught my abuser an art form. She came over to learn this, and after I taught her, she offered me the massage as a way of thanks. She now goes to conference to talk in front of people and teach them, what I taught to her before the incident had happened. Everything to completely minimize the pain she has caused to this family.

Can I ask you all a question. Did anyone in your church ever accuse you of being mentally ill, making up the abuse? I made nothing up and to answer those taunts, I went to a psychologist and what they found, was PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the physical and emotional abuse.

I went from being a guitarist at church, to not being able to go through those doors. Several times I tried, but I would leave. I could not stay there. The former pastor said that if he saw me cry at Mass, he would understand. He counselled us. Then he was mysteriously moved. A predator. How could a predator take it upon himself to counsel me? Why did things happen the way they did and where is the justice?

I will never know because I am not going back there. I will not go back to that Hades on earth, the lack of honesty and the silence and sound, only meant to placate and keep my mouth closed.

I have learned this after my long journey of this past 5 years. Whatever they tell you that you are, don't believe it. You know what you feel, you know what was right, stay there and do not doubt your own healing journey. Their aggression is their problem. My surviving is my choice of the way to use my energy, and also for my family.

There is no apology. I will learn to live without receiving it, somehow, and I turn my head and walk away from a very ill situation, towards life.

Thank you for writing and responding to my post because it was healing to read your note.

Lillian

[renee nelson]

Can I ask you all a question. Did anyone in your church ever accuse you of being mentally ill, making up the abuse?
Lillian[/QUOTE]

The abuse I was referring to happened in my family (sexual & emotional). I confronted it to try and prevent other young family members from being victimized. The very first response I got was from my sister and she accused me of being mentally ill. Then other family members blamed me for the abuse and said my motives were to cause dissention in the family.
The abuse I recieved in church is a whole other story:( .
Letting go of all of this is certainly a process.
Again welcome to the process you will reieve a lot of good support here. We laugh and cry together and thank God we are not alone.

[clementine]

Lillian,
You've come to the right place! :) I'm glad you found it. I hope that you'll find the same comfort and healing that I've found here.

I was really moved by your story. Have you read 'The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse'? I found it so helpful to read this book. It explained so much and validated what we were going through with the spiritual abuse. I have also suffered other kinds of abuse as you have. When I spoke up about my exhusband's violence towards me and left him, he told everyone we knew that I was mentally ill and that I had a nervous breakdown. Abusive people say this to discredit us. If they can discredit us they hope that people won't believe what we are saying. To some extent it works. But I just stopped caring what people thought of me. I just focussed on what God thought of me. I found a great passage in the Bible that helped me to understand that God was furious about all the injustice against me and he delivered me because he delighted in me. It's Psalm 18. Look particularly at verse 16-19. It blew my mind.
Hope you begin to find new joy and hope in your life. It won't always be easy but you are not alone.
Keep talking...
Peace to you and your family,
Clementine:)

[Anna Marta]

Dear Lillian,

Thank you for sharing your story, your heart break and pain are so evident. This has been a terrible time for you with more than one kind of loss involved. It is good that you can express your anger and your pain so well. I can't imagine what you have been through and the impact on your family because of this abusive system and the people who are a part of it. You will be in our prayers as you continue on the path to healing. I know the desire to "bring them down" is one we all share.

Shalom,
Anna Marta

[SueJean]

Dear Lilian,
You are welcome here.
Since I came upon this site, I have had a place to share my experience. People have responded w/ compassion, understanding, as well as a warm sense of humor.
Again, you are welcome here.

[SpinningHead]

Dear Lillian (always like the name Lillian!),

So glad you found us! My personal experience is that when you shine a light on the abuse, people around would rather live in the dark! :(

[Reg]

Dear Lillian,

As the others here said, you have found us. Hooray. The gentle and kind people here have bowels of compassion for what you have gone through because we all have to one extent or the other.

Here is something that may help you in your recovery. This was written by a minister in my previous church who tried to bring a ministry of healing to us.
He finally had to leave himself. They weren't listening to him at the time.

Grief and Loss

Kubler-Ross' Stages of Dying:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

First, it is worth considering that giving up long-held beliefs is similar to losing a loved one. 25
years ago Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a monumental work about the stages a person goes
through when faced with death and dying (1969). In it she outlined five predominant themes that
accompany grief and loss: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally,
acceptance. Psychologists today suggest that it is not necessary to go through the stages in the
exact order described.

It is her belief based upon counseling education, personal trial of faith and experience that how
we respond as a ministry is critical if we as a body are going to move on toward emotional and
spiritual healing and truly repent to become a healthy, balanced Christian church.

Anger and Hurt Feelings

Our historical approach in the WCG toward anger has been, for the most part, that the person is in a bad attitude and should shut up. If members are not allowed to feel their frustration, hurt, and, yes, even anger, they will not move on toward emotional and spiritual healing. Inevitably, their feelings will be suppressed down eventually resulting in bitterness. It is not healthy to circumvent the natural process of grief and loss.

God's grace comes through honesty. Our Father did not sweep our sins under the rug, but sent his
Son to die for them. One therapist compares the emotional and spiritual hurt or guilt we possess
to a big ball of grief and pain a person has inside. To pick the ball up and handle it hurts because
there is metal and glass in it that cuts and tears. But the only way to take this ball of resentment
and place it in the grace of the cross is to do just that, to first pick it up and hold it and look at it,
to openly and honestly acknowledge it. Forgiveness cannot be attained any other way.
Suppressing our feelings of anger, hurt or frustration leads to bitterness. It is true that we should
not sacrifice love in our honesty, but Christians often forsake honesty in the name of love.
They suppress their feelings of anger and hurt. This is emotional suicide.

A ministry of healing can lead people gently through the process.

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=ln2006;41809]There is no communicating with them. I was not getting anywhere. I tried. I got silence regarding the issue that I really needed to talk about....

That is typical in abusive situations. In one group, unless I am submitted to the maddening demands of the group, they will not talk to me. Obviously I have better things to do with my life than bang my head against the wall. Denial is not a river in Egypt. In some recovery circles, I like the definition of Did not Even Know I was Lying.

Fortunately you will many of us are in the same boat. Feel free to share whatever is on your heart and mind. There are members who have been where you are before. I can relate to the silence. It is typical. You may find the links off the website helpful. In any case, welcome aboard. Glad you are here.

[Jerry]

Can I ask you all a question. Did anyone in your church ever accuse you of being mentally ill, making up the abuse?

Dear Lillian,,,
Oh yes,,,,,we are all quite insane ;)
Love Jerry

[Jo Jo]

In 2006 wrote:
Can I ask you all a question. Did anyone in your church ever accuse you of being mentally ill, making up the abuse?

Hi In2006, I'm glad you escaped your abusive church. Welcome here.

Yes, to the above question from me. The church group I came from always assured me I could come to them with any questions or problems. So when I approached them with concerns about how they were handling some things, and some worries I had about some personal "words from God", I was surprised when they called my counselor, who was outside the church. They tried to tell her I was unbalanced, paranoid, and anorexic - even though I was a month out of having my gallbladder removed. My counselor had no connections with them, but they figured it was their right to alert my counselor on my erratic behavior. ??? Actually, all they wanted to try to do is discredit me and personally slander me before any of my concerns about them could prove true. My counselor, didn't buy anything they were saying, she knew me for many years, she knew my behavior to be constant and rather clear, especially at the time I was starting to question that church. That church turned out to be almost a text book example of a cult once my eyes became opened and I faced the truth of it all.

That is one of the main things they say once we try to stand up to our abusers. We of course are crazy... crazy for finally saying the "emperor has no clothes on", crazy for finally standing up and not letting ourselves be abused, and crazy for trying to alert others to the insanity of it all. Don't worry, that was probably the turning point in you becoming sane. I'm so sorry all these things happened to you... it's not an easy road you are on now, but it's so better being out, there are lots of hurts to deal with, but you are not alone here.

[ln2006]

Thank you for responding. Sound is something that was very foreign to me in these past 5 years, real sound. I have kids. When my kids get into situations, we mediate, and get them to have peace and reconciliation with each other. That is probably a simplistic example, because what happened in my life was serious. I was not given the opportunity to understand this, nor to forgive. They shut me out in silence (2 years) and then in sound, when they did send emails it was all about everything but the abuse. Thus, they shut me out in sound. It was something else. 8000 emails, all about cats and dogs and rain and sky and anything else but what had transpired. If I specifically asked a question about it, or showed that I was struggling, these things were completely ignored. One year, the superior general suggested that I buy two monastic books on completely replacing bad feelings with good feelings. Don't like what happened, replace it, do not talk about it. You can't heal like that. You need to be treated with respect, and dignity. But there was a lot of glossing over that went hand in hand with anger.

For awhile, I, desperate for peace and closure, went along with it, but it became very apparent to me that it was a game of words, and that we were not working on peace, but avoidance. I could not continue the communication and closed the doors on it this week.

Yes, I was called mentally ill. I have been evaluated by a Christian psychologist completely who diagnosed me with stress disorder from the sexual trauma that happened. But I do not have any other disorder than the trauma. I got a note from the psychologist that wished me great healing, and I went back to my regular therapist. This week, a very important person from my college years, campus minister, a nun, was someone I called to talk to to ask for literature on coping and detachment. The moment she answered and knew who it was, she was immediately hostile and hateful. This same person was so kind to me 7 years ago, before anything had transpired. I had not talked to her since then, really, other than maybe an email or two in 7 years, but she took it upon herself to call me crazy. It was then that I realized the connections. Gossip. All of a sudden, you speak up because you are hurt about something serious that has happened and you are OUT. Except this is faith, church and this is not a game. In a spirituality and faith where the Shepherd comes back for the missing sheep, humanity in organized religion, does not heed this. Too many survivors fall thru the cracks, no pastoral support at all.

I want to share with you that I was not going to take the verbal abuse and I spoke back in such a manner that I removed this person from her pedestal and called her on her approach as being unkind, and unChristian, and she got even worse. I do know a few priests, and pastors whom I have spoken with but I really do not feel comfortable going into a church building. I told my friend tonight who has invited me to her church, that I am in a church free zone for about 6 months at least, while I heal from the effects of not only the sexual abuse, but the emotional and spiritual abuse as well.

It's like I wasn't even a person. After the last horrible slamming of negativity, I made the decision to completely leave the RC Church, much to the sadness of my extended family. It felt like a burden was lifted. I feel that I do not have to answer to them. I answer to God. One of my weaknesses is that I find it hard to trust that God will fix this. Exodus 14:14, the Lord will fight for you and you will keep your peace, but how much longer, Lord? How much longer must I walk alone?

I went from being a devout Catholic, to being a devout Christian. I never gave up on God. In my parting letter to the superior general after 8000 emails where they refused to talk about what happened, I said to her, "I will no longer allow you to block my way to Christ."

Thank you for responding to me. This is very healing to me. Sound is good. Silence is all I have known, silence and shunning and being ignored. Not having my questions answered. Not getting an apology for the action that happened that hurt me so deeply. Just being treated like a piece of trash. I wonder if they ever knew....they were treating someone who is God's art work like that. Because if God made us, then they can say they love Him, but to treat his handiwork with such disdain is to treat God with disdain.

Lillian

[ln2006]

Dear JoJo

What a horrible thing for them to say. How unkind can Christian humanity be? I saw your blog and that is a blog of someone who is reallllly neat. I am sooo sorry they did this to you!

One of the things I do is write poetry and music and stories...maybe I will start a blog and post these things that have helped me to cope. It has been a very painful journey.
Hugs,
Lillian

[ln2006]

As I read the responses, they are healing to me...I want to tell each of you who wrote to me that I am thankful. Thank you for feeling that this was important enough for you to respond. I am going to write out what happened to me as a therapeutic measure. It will probably be 500 pages. I will give it to my therapist as a way of letting go and moving on, but part of it will always be a scar, especially the really bad abuse.

[Willow]

writing, writing, writing... yah... I do that a lot. It's very good!