what about the kids?

[clementine]

Hi all,
We're having all kinds of issues with our 5 year old. She has grieved so much since we left our SA 6 months ago and moved house 4 months ago (it was a small community - we had to get out of there). Recently her behaviour has got even worse. I'm so worn out from trying to be patient with her and consistent with discipline. But it's constant. She regularly threatens to leave us and never see us again. She's having trouble sleeping which is very unusual for her. She's had a few meltdowns at preschool and they've suggested I take her to a doctor. She's gone from being a happy, outgoing kid who embraces life with arms wide open, to an angry, rebellious kid who doesn't want to go anywhere. It breaks us up that she is such a mess. Anyone else had this experience with their kids? What have you done? Anyone out there a child psychologist?
Clementine

[Doug64]

Hi Clementine.
I'm certainly not a child psychologist - or any kind of professional.
My guess is the combination of leaving the group - especially if she had close friends there - and moving. Along with that, probably just part of growing up. We have a 7 year old g-daughter who had a meltdown every so often. They are usually not over big things, but are big to her.

Our oldest son threatened to leave home several times and once to call the cops and report us as abusing him because he couldn't do something he wanted to do. He has never moved more than 80 miles away from us though, so I think everything is okay. :)

Doug

[renee nelson]

I am not a pro, but I used to teach a Christ centered 12 step class called OK Kid's. It is a curriculum from Overcomers Outreach. In the class we did an excersize where the kid's would stuff there mouths full of mashmellows and then try to talk. The point was if we keep stuffing our feelings we will get so full we wont be able to even talk. So it is best to share about hard stuff... When the kid's in the class realized they could share without being punished, judged or lectured they really opened up. But it took time, be patient.
My prayers go up for your family.

[yeshua'smags]

Renee, that is so cool! I bet that would really work, Clementine, you should try it! And then let us know how it goes!

Welcome to the forum Renee!

[Anna Marta]

Hi,

5 is a hard age. We moved just before our son turned 5 and changed churches. He kept sleep walking we found him downstairs all the time. It was a tough life change for all of us, but he couldn't verbalize it. We didn't think of marshmallows but started the family meeting times. We had different themes and shared our feelings and thoughts and ideas by talking, drawing pictures, using play dough and animals etc.

They loved hearing mommy and daddy drawing and writing about when they were kids and bad dreams or did naughty things and our favorite foods or how we feel when we are angry or lost or afraid.

Learned a lot about each other, how to share, follow rules, take turns and express ourselves in a variety of ways. It ended up being used the rest of our lives. Will soon be able to do it with grandchildren too.

A crisis can also be an opportunity in disguise
love
Anna Marta

[beginagainrose]

Had a grandson with similar issues when he came to live with me for 3 yrs in t he early days of our story... I found one thing that worked wonders, could vary it for a girl (a favorite doll, perhaps)... we took his favorite teddy bear and put some of his old baby clothes and dressed the bear in it. We named the bear Alex (my G-son's name) I would but the bear up on his bed and Alex and I would get on our knees by the bed and have a talk with "Alex the Bear". I would ask questions around what I felt was bothering Alex and then I would answer back in a childlike voice... in no time, Alex, wanted to be the Alex-bear voice... and the stuff that came out was amazing...and yes, hard to hear. Sometimes I would cry, but still would answer "Alex bear". I was careful NOT to look at my grandson but keep my eyes fixed on the bear. Alex realized he was safe and his therapist was thrilled and encouraged me; even said he was going to recommend to others! Try it and see what happens!:)

[clementine]

Thank you all for your kind words and reassurance and ideas...
I especially like the bear idea and the family meetings...
You guys are brilliant. God bless you. :)
Clementine

[SpinningHead]

No expert advice here but have experience with hubby's nephew... basically he was never taught how to express anger. In your case it sounds like your precious little one never had reason before to be angry and she doesn't know how to express it or receive validation that it's ok to be angry. Maybe she's seen you angry with her for stealing a cookie...but have you ever had shared reasons to be angry together at the same thing? Just a thought.

Good luck and feel free to disregard my thoughts if they don't jive with your mother's instincts. :)

[secrethopes]

It helped our child to draw pictures of feelings or events that bothered him. We sat down once or twice a week with crayons, markers, finger paints, etc. and just drew our feelings or other things that bothered us. We also began to pray with him every morning, as well as every night. Sometimes he could express things better once he had drawn them out, even when it was just scribbles of anger. Take what you want and ignore the rest. ;)

[Jerry]

She's had a few meltdowns at preschool and they've suggested I take her to a doctor. She's gone from being a happy, outgoing kid who embraces life with arms wide open, to an angry, rebellious kid who doesn't want to go anywhere. It breaks us up that she is such a mess. Anyone else had this experience with their kids? What have you done? Anyone out there a child psychologist?
Clementine[/COLOR]

Dear Clementine,,,,,
They suggest a Doctor because they are lazy and stupid.You know what her normal behavior is,,,,,,You know what it is now,,,,and you know the precipitating event that caused the behavior change.....Is she really that different than you ??? I am sure you feel the same way she does....;) What did you do to process those feelings???? One thing was you began posting here ..........What did we on the board do to help you process ???? We listened,,,,,,We loved you,,,,,,and most important,,,We validated your feelings ;) We assured you that your not alone....My suggestion,,,,,don't treat her as a little child,,,,,,,,,,,,,treat her as a little you ;)
Love & Prayers Jerry

[clementine]

Thanks Jerry...:)
Your responses are very helpful and often make me smile!
It's a bit of a balancing act this parenting business!
On the one hand we have to set clear boundaries of what is appropriate expression of emotion (ie not kicking, hitting, spitting, calling people rude names, running away) on the other hand we need to nurture her little broken heart.
It's a challenge.
Thanks for the other ideas too, secrethopes. She does drawing therapy of her own volition. She'll draw for hours. Mostly stuff that makes her feel good. She usually refuses to draw anything negative. It seems to help her calm down, though. I'm very grateful for this provision!!!
I agree, spinning head, I think this kind of grief-anger is new to her and it's overwhelming for her sometimes (I think I said in another thread about stages of grief that the anger stage feels more like rage some days).
We talked to some mental health professionals ('cos we were asked to). They basically said that we're doing everything we can and they couldn't add any more suggestions!
I guess that is some encouragement! :rolleyes:
Oh well, battle on!
Thanks again everyone, :)
Clementine

[Jerry]

It's a bit of a balancing act this parenting business!
we need to nurture her little broken heart.

Dear Clementine,,,
Balancing act !!!!! I raised 3 boys and a girl,,,,,,,you must be the Queen of understatement :eek: I was on that "Hi Wire" for years ;)
Yours Truly
Carl Walinda,,,,,,,,,:D