handling correction in RL

[outcast]

Just a quick question for the forum here. How many of you struggle with correction in real life now that you have been abused? I find that it is very difficult for me and although I can put on a good front with my boss and coworkers, inside I am very upset by the correction.

Although I know my coworkers may be struggling with this also, I feel like such a freak b/c I know it likely stems from the types of correction I received in the cult. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves b/c of my experiences but every day I have the reminder in some form or fashion that I am no longer normal. It is very frustrating at times.

[butterfly]

I find it very hard Outcast because I wasn"t normal since childhood.

I have been judged since childhood. I had hoped that in church I would have been loved.

That wasn"t so :mad: :mad: . The damage the church did to me caused me to see I wasn"t any good just like my mother repeated to me every day.

So now in the real world I suck it in when I am corrected and squeese the tears way down inside of me.

Then I avoid that person if I can and when I worked I quit the job.

I am a good worker and I help anyone who needs help. It depends how I am corrected .
If the person shows me what I did wrong and not yell at me then I feel ok and see my mistake and I correct it.

If yelling and degrading me is applyed to the correction thats when I suck in.

:) We are normal Outcast. If we acted like those other people we would be very bad people.

I always wondered what normal was anyway.
butterfly

[apike]

Outcast I am very thankful for your post cause I am going thru some old feelings right now in this area. This week I was corrected for mistakes I made at work.
It was three in the same week. I was given a warning. And I do not know how they happened cause I am normally very careful to not make mistakes.

I tried to handle the correction with maturity, yes I will be careful in the future. However the fear this brings up is incredible. One of which is did I show the proper attitude and take proper responsibility and react the way I am supposed to. Since I can't figure out how they happened cause I was not the only one who had input into the situation I assume I did something wrong subconsciously on purpose. Like I was distracted or stressed and wasn't paying attention. Now I don't know if I can NOT make the mistake again and I have used up my chances.

There is some disconnection from it also, I need to spread the blame around.
Its other peoples word they and I are having to believe. Which is good cause the truth is I may not have made all the mistakes all by myself. There is a lesson here for me and much shame in being called to account. And a feeling of helplessness and being out of control. I just am not as good as I want to be. Or think I should be.

I am devoid of rational thinking here. One thing I do know is I cannot beat myself up over something I cannot change. I refuse to do it. I have to find a way to let it go. Maybe leaving is a choice here. Maybe staying and finding out I will be OK is a choice also. It doesn't help that I lost my last two jobs for no other reason than they ran out of money. Which I don't believe, I believe I made some bad mistakes noone wanted to tell me about.

I guess I am afraid I will be thrown out again and I will have brought it on myself. Are my feelings normal? Probably. I think they are distorting my perceptions.

The last few days have been like a flashback, thats what your post helped me realize.

[outcast]

I'm glad my post helped someone. And I feel the way you do about my recent mistake at work. Embarrassed and feeling out of control are good words to describe it.

I also realized today that I feel less than compared to everyone around me b/c I feel stupid for being abused and not realizing I was being abused until I almost lost everything. Granted, I didn't and that is good, but the feelings of shame that come into play for me over that are overwhelming sometimes too.

I spoke with a cohort about my impending correction a few hours ago. Once I realized she didn't think less of me and my department head wasn't upset with me, I was better. I will still have to deal with the correction and feelings it will bring when that happens, but "today has enough evil of it's own."