I hate me sometimes

[Pinkie Pie]

Sometimes I hate the way I am. I hate how the things that have happened to me have caused me to act in certain ways that people don't always understand, like sometimes needing to withdraw or even sometimes getting triggered and my reacting to harmless things. And wondering if I'm going to "blow it" with someone.

And then constantly monitoring my own behavior to make sure I don't offend someone because it was so ingrained in me to be careful not to offend anyone. And constantly having the question in the back of my head, have I done something to offend this person, or that person? Why are they acting this way with me? And constantly having to go back and remind myself that 9 times out of 10, how they are acting has nothing to do with me. I'm so sick of it. Of the work. Of having to take medicine. Of making progress and people seeing the progress and being happy for me, and then I go backwards a step or two and worrying that people will give up on me, thinking "Why doesn't she just get over it??" (another refrain from the spiritual abuse song....) I'm sick of the pendulum of feeling secure and happy and content with God and with myself, and then a few days later (or weeks, if I'm lucky and the happiness lasts longer), I'm struggling to pray or read my bible or trust anyone.

Sometimes I want to give up on myself. I finally worked up the courage to call a counselor who takes my insurance, and got an answering machine so I left a message. They haven't called me back. I don't even care anymore. Sometimes life doesn't seem worth the effort.

[butterfly]

[[[[[Pinkie Pie]]]

I Just had a fast peek at your post and didn"t read it all. I have to leave for an appointment.

I just want to give you a hug. Which I did and say I like you.:D

I know how hard life is!! I am living one myself.!!:( :( Love butterfly

[Anna Marta]

Hey Pinkie Pie,

We all care! It's awful to be where you are. Don't worry about yourself here, there's enough love and understanding to go around.

SOOO glad to hear you called a counselor.
(((((((((((((Pinkie Pie)))))))))))))))))))

Anna Marta

[Jo Jo]

We've all been where you are, and are there many days still. It's so hard when it's such a struggle at times like these. Remember to call the counselor back if they don't call you... that's not about you either, I've learned that, too.

I haven't met you officially, yet... but I love your name... I love pink... even my shoe laces are pink. :)

[beginagainrose]

[COLOR="Magenta"]GREAT THREAD PINKY!!![COLOR="magenta"][COLOR="Black" Thank you for your transparent heart here... disecting ourselves surely gets wearisome does it not? Getting in agreement with God about who He says we are is hard enough...staying there is done by grace alone... I prayed once that God would do whatever it took to get me free from people pleasing (some call it the "disease to please"). Then this whole storm hit my life and I said, "Wow, God!...it THIS what it took?" I try to be more careful what I pray for:)

[Carmen]

I fully know what you mean, ((((pinkie pie)))). Especially recently I feel like that, but more on the down side than the up side. I have to continually remind myself to be joyful, that God is my joy. But recently I am more distrustful of other's motives than ever.

At least my counselor can hardly ever be reached by phone. When he is in a session he won't pick it up. He also travels, so that makes it even harder. The only effective way I can reach him is by email. He mails me when he is going abroad, so I know when he will be there or not. If the counselor you called doesn't get back to you, don't take it personally.

[Theodora]

...but I'm guessing that "most" people may feel the same way....sort of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"? Don't misunderstand me---I'm NOT making light of your struggle, but I DO think that being AWARE of your struggle and where you need work etc. etc. puts you MILES ahead of those who try to "get by" without this kind of self-awareness.

I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now, but thankful that you were able to post in spite of it.

Hang in there...and keep up the good work!

Blessings to you and yours this day--

Theodora

P.S. There's a contemporary little saying I've liked when in similar doldrums: "There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who have problems and those you don't know well enough to KNOW they have problems!" ;) :rolleyes: :D :D Hang in there!

--


Sometimes I hate the way I am. I hate how the things that have happened to me have caused me to act in certain ways that people don't always understand, like sometimes needing to withdraw or even sometimes getting triggered and my reacting to harmless things. And wondering if I'm going to "blow it" with someone.

And then constantly monitoring my own behavior to make sure I don't offend someone because it was so ingrained in me to be careful not to offend anyone. And constantly having the question in the back of my head, have I done something to offend this person, or that person? Why are they acting this way with me? And constantly having to go back and remind myself that 9 times out of 10, how they are acting has nothing to do with me. I'm so sick of it. Of the work. Of having to take medicine. Of making progress and people seeing the progress and being happy for me, and then I go backwards a step or two and worrying that people will give up on me, thinking "Why doesn't she just get over it??" (another refrain from the spiritual abuse song....) I'm sick of the pendulum of feeling secure and happy and content with God and with myself, and then a few days later (or weeks, if I'm lucky and the happiness lasts longer), I'm struggling to pray or read my bible or trust anyone.

Sometimes I want to give up on myself. I finally worked up the courage to call a counselor who takes my insurance, and got an answering machine so I left a message. They haven't called me back. I don't even care anymore. Sometimes life doesn't seem worth the effort.

[hornblower]

Sometimes I hate the way I am. I hate how the things that have happened to me have caused me to act in certain ways that people don't always understand, like sometimes needing to withdraw or even sometimes getting triggered and my reacting to harmless things. And wondering if I'm going to "blow it" with someone.

And then constantly monitoring my own behavior to make sure I don't offend someone because it was so ingrained in me to be careful not to offend anyone. And constantly having the question in the back of my head, have I done something to offend this person, or that person? Why are they acting this way with me? And constantly having to go back and remind myself that 9 times out of 10, how they are acting has nothing to do with me. I'm so sick of it. Of the work. Of having to take medicine. Of making progress and people seeing the progress and being happy for me, and then I go backwards a step or two and worrying that people will give up on me, thinking "Why doesn't she just get over it??" (another refrain from the spiritual abuse song....) I'm sick of the pendulum of feeling secure and happy and content with God and with myself, and then a few days later (or weeks, if I'm lucky and the happiness lasts longer), I'm struggling to pray or read my bible or trust anyone.

Sometimes I want to give up on myself. I finally worked up the courage to call a counselor who takes my insurance, and got an answering machine so I left a message. They haven't called me back. I don't even care anymore. Sometimes life doesn't seem worth the effort.

Pinkie Pie baby, you are the woman of my own heart! The way I feel exactly!

[hornblower]

[COLOR="Magenta"]GREAT THREAD PINKY!!![COLOR="magenta"][COLOR="Black" Thank you for your transparent heart here... disecting ourselves surely gets wearisome does it not? Getting in agreement with God about who He says we are is hard enough...staying there is done by grace alone... I prayed once that God would do whatever it took to get me free from people pleasing (some call it the "disease to please"). Then this whole storm hit my life and I said, "Wow, God!...it THIS what it took?" I try to be more careful what I pray for:)



Lol thats so great begin. Oh gosh that made me laugh and I havent done that in a long long while.

[hornblower]

I know this is a sideline but I always think this experience was one of my greatest with God. Lol.
One night being very distraught like what else is new? I was praying and I said to God,,,,,,,, "hey God, you know what I feel like Job doesnt have a thing on me?"

The next morning.........I kid you not I woke up with a boil on the inside of my nose! Just one boil! Oh my Lord I have NEVER been in that much constant pain had to go to the doctor and have it lanced..........you talk about some misery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We never know how good we have it until we dont!

Needless to say that lesson hasnt left me in many a year. Lol God has such a good sense of humor he is too funny!

[Jo Jo]

OMG - Hornblower, that had to hurt SO BAD. I'm sorry that happened to you. Ouch!

I've felt like the Job thing, too... felt like I've gone through some of it, with his friend's supporting me.

The second to the last winter that I spent in the 'cult', I got the worse skin imbalance, it's like acne, but I would just push on my cheek and blood would run out... I had to spend 3 months in the house and then just by choice I went out because I couldn't stand being in the house that long... I looked like a burn victim... :confused: People would stare at me. Oh, and my wonderful church friends had all sorts of spiritual advise for me. They made fun of my eating habits, (I was really restricted, because I was trying to get well) this was when I had my pancreatitis really bad, before I got my gallbladder removed and none of the doctors were diagnosis any of it worth beans.

Afterwards... when I was better, the weird Pastor's wife made comment how she had asked me several times to go out to coffee with her... and I said to her, "Don't you remember how I looked when I finally came out of the house... I was so bad and in such pain I couldn't leave the house?" She said that she had hoped it was that and I wasn't something else. OH GADS... She hoped it was that? Everything was about her/them... how they felt, about their spiritual insight... which was baloney! I was having a health problem... I can't even remember everything they were making up about me spiritually ... I think I've blocked it out actually... it all hurt so bad... but I remember them laying hands on me and saying things about all this darkness, etc.... Funny how I only got better after my gallbladder came out. I finally forced myself to ignore what they were saying and continue to seek out emergency hospital room help. I think all their witchcraft is baloney!!!!! They just used to draw attention to themselves. Trying to make others and themselves believe they had an inside track to God. Like God would gossip to them about everyone's personal lives. God just wouldn't do that... yet so often we think that these people have this kind of insight. I was blind for so long. :mad: :(

But I know too, that these are the things that finally woke me up to these groups that just hijacked God's name and had none of his true love in them. So I know what you mean about being careful what you pray for. :) But it's more than worth it, I guess, if this is what it took to get me away from these places and these falsehoods.

[Jerry]

Dear Pinkie,,,,,
I have never hated you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,maybe it's a question of how we view ourselves :D
Love Jerry

[Pinkie Pie]

Jerry you are right. Thank you for your encouraging words, always saying a mouthful in just a few words.

[Pinkie Pie]

Thank you EVERYONE for taking the time to respond to me. I wasn't able to get on line for a few days after I posted, and when I got on today and read everyone's responses it helped me put things in perspective PLUS it helped me feel "uninvisible" if you know what I mean. It's true, it really does help to know others have experienced or ARE experiencing the same thing.

Thanks for all the ((((hugs)))) too. You all are so special.

[Pinkie Pie]

We've all been where you are, and are there many days still. It's so hard when it's such a struggle at times like these. Remember to call the counselor back if they don't call you... that's not about you either, I've learned that, too.

I haven't met you officially, yet... but I love your name... I love pink... even my shoe laces are pink. :)


Okay, I guess I'll try again - it sure didn't take much to knock the wind out of my sails. Guess I didn't have much wind to begin with. Pink is my favorite color TOO! :p

[Jo Jo]

I encouraged you to call again because I know that would have been the hardest for me to do. I have great empathy for those kind of things, they happen to me, probably to everybody, a lot. But I'm really glad I've stayed with my counseling, it's really helped me!

When my husband first knew me he finally asked me if I knew they made things in a color other than pink. So I gave it up for a long time. But now lots of times he'll say, "get the pink one." So he must have healed over my pink fixation. ha ha Now we are both happy again... he doesn't mind it and I get pink. :D