hornblower
09-21-2006, 07:20 AM
New thread and I invite you to join in if you want. Lately I have been thinking of the things I did wrong at that church I went too. I would like to list them for myself but also as a way of confession if you will. It helps me to get things off and out into the fresh air. I see these things as contributors to what went wrong in that church. Things that I did not that they did. If you think they are not wrong please say so because it would definitely be a revelation for me. Im ashamed of these things.
The worst thing I think was that I assumed that this church was similar to my other church in that they had a good counceling center. First thing I did when I went there was to ask if they had counceling and I was told that the asst pastor was a councelor and that he had suffered from sexual abuse as a child.
Ill cut to the chase here Im skipping a lot.
I was at my home group, they knew about my daughter. I had been to see this man once and I thought I had told him everything. I guess I hadnt. He came to my home group.......hard to remember but I think he came to help me learn how to get along better with some of the others there. They were all a lot younger than I was and I was having a hard time being there scripturally. They didnt seem sound to me at all in the word. I didnt tell him this though. I didnt want to sound know it all. I just told him I was having problems I didnt understand why exactly.
I cant remember what happened next word for word but he said something about my daughter and I went into a rage.........openly! What he said best as I can remember was completely telling that I had been to see him and that as far as he was concerned my daughter should just "get Over it"! I was furious that a professional woud say such a thing.
The next morning I called him to talk to him. I was still mad. He said more things that pushed my buttons on the phone.
Years and years of anger came rushing out of me at him........anger against pastors against the authorities that had been hurting me all along. You have to understand there was absolutely no help for anyone with SA at that time ANYWHERE! I have a very viscious tongue when Im cornered. It came out full force. All I remember saying and I know this is what hurt him most was..........."Why is it that you people get to sit up there in an office that we the people pay for and go home and feed your families off of our pain and hard work and then to top it all off you get to tell us how unspiritual we all are.
How do you being the paid employees get to tell any of us anything at all since we pay you not the other way around? Im sick and tired and tired and sick (little humor there) (very little I know) of you guys sitting behind a desk studying the word talking about the word but as far as I can tell never doing one iotah of any of it for us, the ones stuck out here who have regular jobs raising regular kids, dealing with the hard as (you know what) world while you people get to act as if you are better than we are!
In my defence of what I did he did tell me I could let him have ot if it would help me so I did!
It was so bad he cried he told me for hours at the altar. (Im sure that the altar is not the only place he talked because as of the night before I should have known I could not trust him to keep in anything in private) By the way he did not Know what had happened to my daughter and I had thought that he did since he was talking about her.
Anyway I see this as being the worst thing I have ever done in a church. Balling out the asst pastor..........not to be done you see.
I have to tell you though that his pain did heal me from years of abuse that I didnt even know was there. It was a true release for me. I did call him and tell him how much it had meant to me and that all of that anger was not directed at him at all really it was all of these others that I never thought I had a right to get angry with.
Strange thing is now though that I am still glad that I did it.
I didnt want it to hurt him at all he was a sweet man that was simply trying to do his job I know that but in all honesty it still gets me that they have this job. Its a JOB!
What I mean is........grrrrrrrr this is so hard........I dont regret them making some money and that I foot some of the bill but what I dont get is their spirit of entitlement doing it. At that particular church they often went home at noon and then took at least three days a week off. It was a small congregation but as far as I could see they didnt do anything up there but talk to each other and joke around. Now maybe that was ok maybe they did work I didnt know about I certainly wasnt in the inner circle but it started me wondering what do they do all day anyway?
All the same it was not smart to do it was all too foolish of me and I am still sorry that it hurt him and ultimately I think this is one of the things that caused that pastors wife to blow up at me and say what she said to me. She was angry for her friend, the asst pastor. Actually the asst pastors wife was the only person I instinctively felt I could trust. She had her head screwed on the right way in my book but then she had a real job too. She was the only one.
So anyway Im ashamed and not ashamed. I think it was so stupid that I blew up like that. But......I cant help it I believe in what I said.
So I guess like a lot of them would say, Im resentful, yes I am. I would like to be paid to study and pray and know God and then speak. Thats never going to happen for me and im glad it isnt. For me I think it muddies things up.
How can they know what it is like to be us? If they dont know what right do they have to tell us anything?
Now if they know what its like thats different. So why is it they never talk about those things then? If they did my husband might go to church. I think it would meet him where he is. Hes not a person that sits around talking and wondering about spiritual things, hes a worker in a tough as you know what world of men. Hes not an idea person if you know what I mean. I am I was brought up like this so church is cool for me. I like the preaching teaching thing, the mind stuff, the vocabulary. He doesnt get any of it.
I could go on forever about my working years. I never felt like any of them gave a d**** about what I was going through.
The worst thing I think was that I assumed that this church was similar to my other church in that they had a good counceling center. First thing I did when I went there was to ask if they had counceling and I was told that the asst pastor was a councelor and that he had suffered from sexual abuse as a child.
Ill cut to the chase here Im skipping a lot.
I was at my home group, they knew about my daughter. I had been to see this man once and I thought I had told him everything. I guess I hadnt. He came to my home group.......hard to remember but I think he came to help me learn how to get along better with some of the others there. They were all a lot younger than I was and I was having a hard time being there scripturally. They didnt seem sound to me at all in the word. I didnt tell him this though. I didnt want to sound know it all. I just told him I was having problems I didnt understand why exactly.
I cant remember what happened next word for word but he said something about my daughter and I went into a rage.........openly! What he said best as I can remember was completely telling that I had been to see him and that as far as he was concerned my daughter should just "get Over it"! I was furious that a professional woud say such a thing.
The next morning I called him to talk to him. I was still mad. He said more things that pushed my buttons on the phone.
Years and years of anger came rushing out of me at him........anger against pastors against the authorities that had been hurting me all along. You have to understand there was absolutely no help for anyone with SA at that time ANYWHERE! I have a very viscious tongue when Im cornered. It came out full force. All I remember saying and I know this is what hurt him most was..........."Why is it that you people get to sit up there in an office that we the people pay for and go home and feed your families off of our pain and hard work and then to top it all off you get to tell us how unspiritual we all are.
How do you being the paid employees get to tell any of us anything at all since we pay you not the other way around? Im sick and tired and tired and sick (little humor there) (very little I know) of you guys sitting behind a desk studying the word talking about the word but as far as I can tell never doing one iotah of any of it for us, the ones stuck out here who have regular jobs raising regular kids, dealing with the hard as (you know what) world while you people get to act as if you are better than we are!
In my defence of what I did he did tell me I could let him have ot if it would help me so I did!
It was so bad he cried he told me for hours at the altar. (Im sure that the altar is not the only place he talked because as of the night before I should have known I could not trust him to keep in anything in private) By the way he did not Know what had happened to my daughter and I had thought that he did since he was talking about her.
Anyway I see this as being the worst thing I have ever done in a church. Balling out the asst pastor..........not to be done you see.
I have to tell you though that his pain did heal me from years of abuse that I didnt even know was there. It was a true release for me. I did call him and tell him how much it had meant to me and that all of that anger was not directed at him at all really it was all of these others that I never thought I had a right to get angry with.
Strange thing is now though that I am still glad that I did it.
I didnt want it to hurt him at all he was a sweet man that was simply trying to do his job I know that but in all honesty it still gets me that they have this job. Its a JOB!
What I mean is........grrrrrrrr this is so hard........I dont regret them making some money and that I foot some of the bill but what I dont get is their spirit of entitlement doing it. At that particular church they often went home at noon and then took at least three days a week off. It was a small congregation but as far as I could see they didnt do anything up there but talk to each other and joke around. Now maybe that was ok maybe they did work I didnt know about I certainly wasnt in the inner circle but it started me wondering what do they do all day anyway?
All the same it was not smart to do it was all too foolish of me and I am still sorry that it hurt him and ultimately I think this is one of the things that caused that pastors wife to blow up at me and say what she said to me. She was angry for her friend, the asst pastor. Actually the asst pastors wife was the only person I instinctively felt I could trust. She had her head screwed on the right way in my book but then she had a real job too. She was the only one.
So anyway Im ashamed and not ashamed. I think it was so stupid that I blew up like that. But......I cant help it I believe in what I said.
So I guess like a lot of them would say, Im resentful, yes I am. I would like to be paid to study and pray and know God and then speak. Thats never going to happen for me and im glad it isnt. For me I think it muddies things up.
How can they know what it is like to be us? If they dont know what right do they have to tell us anything?
Now if they know what its like thats different. So why is it they never talk about those things then? If they did my husband might go to church. I think it would meet him where he is. Hes not a person that sits around talking and wondering about spiritual things, hes a worker in a tough as you know what world of men. Hes not an idea person if you know what I mean. I am I was brought up like this so church is cool for me. I like the preaching teaching thing, the mind stuff, the vocabulary. He doesnt get any of it.
I could go on forever about my working years. I never felt like any of them gave a d**** about what I was going through.