I'm going crazy!

[newlife]

Has anyone ever dealt with thoughts that perhaps they were wrong for leaving the abusive situation and that they need to go back and "repent" and beg to be "let" back in? (Though I doubt at this point I would even be "allowed" to come back...I really did burn my bridges when I left!) That's how I was feeling a few days ago...

Half of me was thinking this and the other half was thinking, "You're crazy! You know the truth about this man! Why in the world would you think that you were wrong for leaving???"

A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways, James says...and yes, I feel quite unstable right now!!! I sure wish I could afford to go to counseling!!! :(



newlife

[Anna Marta]

Has anyone ever dealt with thoughts that perhaps they were wrong for leaving the abusive situation and that they need to go back and "repent" and beg to be "let" back in?
Half of me was thinking this and the other half was thinking, "You're crazy! You know the truth about this man! Why in the world would you think that you were wrong for leaving???"

Hi New Life,
CRAZY? Nay, I think, according to much of the materials I have read, you are having pretty normal reactions.

How many times do we read about the abused spouse that goes back again only to have the abuse repeated? There is a kind of screwey thinking that goes on inside of one's head. I think of the Stockholm Syndrome, if you are familiar with that.

You said it yourself and I affirm you "You're crazy! You know the truth about this man! Why in the world would you think that you were wrong for leaving?? :eek: :mad: :eek: :mad:

Be encouraged and be smart. Lean on the rest of us here for a reality check when you need it! :D
Love,
Anna Marta

[Carmen]

You're not crazy Newlife. I know exactly what you mean. Today the counselor confronted me with that very passage, and I can see that I am walking on the fence - about leaving Hubby or not (I did tell him that the passage was referring to faith rather than other things). I did make a final decision, based on whether Hubby will go to counseling or not. I know that the situation is harmful for me and the kids. It becomes clearer when I read of other accounts here, like Leslie. I hope she got out of that situation. Her Hubby monitored the posts here and even capped their internet to keep her from coming back. But what she told of her situation has helped me gather the courage to actually do something.

It is easier to see the abuse in other's lives. You told what happened to you and I would have left that church in that situation too. From your perspective it may not seem so bad now, but only because you were in it and thought it was "normal" at one time. It wasn't normal, but completely abnormal. That pastor is sick and deranged! Keep holding on to your original decision and stay away from there.

[hornblower]

Definitely I felt that way for a very long time. Mainly because so many there were telling me that I should. Mine boiled down to a difference in beliefs on what forgiveness is and reconciliations and what a person wants from a church.
The main reason I left is because consistently the leadership was not responsible and or healing for folks like me. I think my situation was different in a way because I really dont............ well Im just not sure this was a cult that I was in. 'Cult' was the first word I heard inside of me the very first day I drove up to that place and continued to hear inside of myself. Evidently I was the only one though.
Anyway I had enough of them all of them and I still cannot go back no matter how many times I think a lot of it was my fault. It doesnt matter for me. One craziness far outweighs the other.
That place was my center and I dont think that is healthy any more. Im still struggling with that.
It hurts. They could care less that I left I think they definitely wanted me too, I wouldnt put on a show for them. Bunch of would be charismatics is what they are or were. I have no idea about any of them totally out of my sphere thank God!

[Jerry]

Half of me was thinking this and the other half was thinking, "You're crazy! You know the truth about this man! Why in the world would you think that you were wrong for leaving???"



Dear Newlife,,,,
Well in a sense we are all "Crazy" when we first leave an abusive situation/church........A little like "Stockholm Syndrome" I think....It has been my experience that you can't go back,,,,,,,It just never seems to work...You have gotten rid of an "Unclean Spirit" that was in your life,,,,namely an "Abusive Pastor",,,,,,,,,,,were you "crazy" to leave ???.......perhaps ;) It would probably be even "Crazier" to go back.......Matt 12 vs 43-45 :D
Love Jerry

[newlife]

Thanks everyone, for the reality check! And for letting me know that these feelings are normal...what's so weird is that I've been out of the place for 2 years now...maybe it's just that since some time has passed, that it doesn't seem as bad as it did when I was in the midst of it all...maybe it's time to go back and reread my memoirs to refresh my memory!!! :D

I guess I still battle with that idea of "forgiveness" and "being judgmental" that we all deal with. Yes, I know in my head that forgiveness does NOT mean that I have to subject myself to the abuse any longer...I deal with triggers constantly from current things that I'm dealing with in my life...dealing with (or not dealing with) "leadership" and "authority" issues...struggling with our "new" pastor (trying to hang on for my family's sake)...dealing with "accountability" issues.

All these things "swirling around" inside my head and it just sent me into a downward spiral of the thoughts that I needed to go back to the cult!!!


newlife

[SpinningHead]

I guess I still battle with that idea of "forgiveness" and "being judgmental" that we all deal with.


Something that bothers me is that there is a tremendous pressure put on Christians to forgive....but there is absolutely very little pressure put on the offending party! :mad:

It got to the point for me that people who came to me and told me I have to forgive the leadership and the church I had to start saying..."Ya know, I will be more open to this conversation with you about forgiveness when I am confident you are equally concerned that the offending parties have been confronted and encouraged to repent and make things right".

It was so silent you could hear the synopsis in my head firing! :eek:

[Anna Marta]

Bang! Forgiveness is a real issue. I am going to start a new thread rather than add to this one and lose the essence of it.
Anna Marta

[leelees]

yes yes yes yes yes yes and yes again i have had this experience, the thoughts still go through my mind.....but too much water has now passed under the old bridge.
i know too much of what has happened to others who left bad church-and what the pastor is truely like- to go back now, too much convinces me that leaving was the best thing for me compared to going back.....
why would i want to go back to a group of so called christians to be snubbed just the same as i am now....the logistics of the group has all changed now anyway, it always does...dont go back! look at all the cool things you have done and will continue to do by leaving that church that you wouldnt have done if you stayed!

[hornblower]

Something that bothers me is that there is a tremendous pressure put on Christians to forgive....but there is absolutely very little pressure put on the offending party! :mad:

It got to the point for me that people who came to me and told me I have to forgive the leadership and the church I had to start saying..."Ya know, I will be more open to this conversation with you about forgiveness when I am confident you are equally concerned that the offending parties have been confronted and encouraged to repent and make things right".

It was so silent you could hear the synopsis in my head firing! :eek:


WOW! I find this statement so impowering! You Go Girl! That is going to be my motto from this point on in fact Im going to print it out. This is the best thing about coming here is finding like minded Christians struggling with like minded situations and learning from each other. My councelor used to help me so much with statements like that. Things to say to people that I find very oppresive.

[Anna Marta]

I am an unabashed idealist and optimist. I have for most of my life chosen to see the positive and the good in just about everything. Thus coming to terms with an abusive church drove me to distraction! :confused:

Does anyone else see the oxymoron here - "abusive church"? I simply could not get it to compute in my brain, which meant I was driving both the viking and I nuts. :eek: He is a much clearer thinker - aka "a logical thinker" and I am pollyanna who thinks it is her job to love the h*ll out of the world. Is this a combination or what? SOOOOOOOOOO I just wouldn't believe it could be the right thing to walk away, clean break, turn my back and let God have'em. What about justice and God's never ending mercy... :( :confused:

I had confused me with God. Now there's a self image, huh? I was so busy thinking I was supposed TO DO what is only in God's power that I simply forgot it wasn't humanly possible. Didn't Christ suffer? Am I not to enter into his suffering too? Go back to an abusive situation - well I thought, why not? When they see how much pain and suffering they are causing, they'll come to understand they are out of God's will and change. Do you think that happened? Did I get justice flowing like a river? No!

What I got was a bloodied spirit and a wound that only God could heal - and the realization that it is going to take a lot longer and be a lot harder than I ever imagined.

This is a process and I don't like it one bit! I often do not understand the thoughts and reactions I display because they make no sense, but I am learning and so are we all.

I am a strong person and a good person and God created me to be that way. The fact that the evil acting through people tried to rob me should make me mad and it should lead me to greater wisdom and humility.

As long as we all on this forum are honest as you are Newlife in sharing your struggle, we will become stronger and the evil one will not be able to rob us again. THIS is part of the REAL Body of Christ - and I thank Him for it. :D

[Katie]

Anna,
I can really relate to what you've said here. Also in an earlier post, you described the feelings of being personally responsible for things that went wrong.

In the early months, I almost drove both myself and my husband crazy trying to figure out what I'd done wrong, what I could have done differently, how I could have prevented the abuse from happening.

Part of trying to figure all of that out is because of what you described. I just couldn't get the things that happened to reconcile in my mind. I am an accountant, and for me, things should fit and balance. There is nothing about spiritual abuse that balances.

What I have learned is that much of my struggle was with idealism. An idealist believes that everyone should be honest in their dealings. They have expectations of how things "should be" and difficulty accepting deceitfulness, especially in a church situation and with Christians.

It has taken me a long time to sort through the mess and leave the responsibility for the abuse with the abusers. I still look at it all and think that it is the stupidest thing I have ever experienced in my life.