Back to counseling

[Carmen]

Am going back to the biblical counselor tomorrow after not having been all summer. I am a bit nervous. He is good at making me confront myself and seeing my marriage as it really is. Hubby has refused to go to counseling, though he needs it maybe even more than I do.

I would like to start addressing the spiritual abuse, but up till now the counselor thought the marriage more important - I have to admit he is right. I think that he is scared about talking about spiritual abuse, it is a taboo subject even for him. I think that he is afraid he may take sides. But the issue is important to me.

[ex-shep]

Interesting indeed. Maybe it is high time that this taboo spiritual abuse come out of the closet. After all, denial is not a river in Egypt. I not just referring to your individual plight, but the situation as a whole.

[Anna Marta]

Dear Carmen,
If I were you, and I'm not, I wouldn't take on too many battles at one time.
Love,
Anna Marta

[Carmen]

Went to the appointment this morning. We didn't have time to get to the SA anyway. I have decided to give Hubby another chance to go to counseling. If he doesn't then I will finish packing by Christmas. I still don't know whether I will stay in the area or go back to Germany or the States. As far as the cost of living and chances for a job the States would be my best bet. The children would have the better education here or in Germany. If I just get an appartment here, then they could still get the benefit of Hubby's work contract, that school is paid for until 12th grade and not have to change countries, but that is only if I can find a PT job. Have been looking for over a year already. I might get a good part-time job in Germany if I start applying now.

The counselor said that I seem not to really have made up my mind, he said that he didn't know if I have the strength to leave Hubby right now. I said I'll prove it by having the house cleaned up, excess stuff sold or given away and everything ready for packing by Christmas. Then I'll have to take the next step. If Hubby still won't go to counseling (and make progress) or won't be willing to put the house on the market (half is his) then I'll have to get a lawyer to help box that through. It is true, I wish my life wouldn't have to fall apart, but I can't take things as they are anymore.

[hornblower]

Oh dearest Carmen Im so sorry so very sorry. I hope you know me well enough now to know I do know something of how you are feeling. I can say from my heart that you are so very brave.

No wonder you are worn out. My heart is broken for you my friend.

You know Carmen it occurs to me that our husbands really are........... speaking just of me I guess,.......... mine is the worst SA there is. He was my first SA and has continued to be all along. This is my third marriage the others were so very abusive this one is heaven in comparison (no I shouldnt put heaven in that boat) so I stay on and on and on. I do not know why we cant be open about our spouses. This is and has always been the most taboo subject and I for one completely resent it.

A very good thing about mine is that I can tell you or anyone about him he never says a word to me against it at all. In fact he says he is glad that I can get the stress off of me this way.
Lol of course he never changes one iottah!

No counseling for our daughter, nothing. He did finally go one time after years and years of me handling it alone. It was a group where he was sure to never be put on the spot. He 'had' to go and I could not go so there it was.
I wish you could get it out. I hope this man helps you but........I wish you could get it all out of you.

Like I say though you are brave I am not.
I think the main control my husband has over me is his silence. He, by his own admonition desperately needs counceling, he knows it, but he could care less that Im the one that is doing all of the work. Hmmmmmm I need to learn that one again!

Im serious about this I could easily die from being with him. Cold down to his pinky toe. For instance my shoulder is out of joint and spasming from the mamograms yesterday, six of them! He wont let me go to physical therapy.


Im too ashamed to talk about my latest painful thing here, Im ashamed of my own feelings so much. I do have a major chip on my shoulder concerning him. I should leave. Leave all of them. Children and all! What a sham they all are in my book.
In saying this I know I will be highly critisized here by some but you know you dont live here I do and you have no idea, believe me.
I hurt for his one son because he never has anything to do with him and its bound to hurt this man. I would never treat a child of mine like this he never even looks at it.
It reminds me of what I went through growing up. Oh well........what can I do about any of it nothing but leave him.

[Carmen]

(((Hornblower)))

I'm not courageous. I am just used to an abusive situation, was trained by growing up in one. I knew it was not quite "normal" but it was there every day, so it didn't seem to be so bad. I have let my kids stew in it too long, I don't want them to think that what we experience is "normal".

If I were you I would get that physical therapy. Your husband doesn't have to live in your body with that pain, and he shouldn't have the right to decide whether you get treatment or not in my opinion. You decide what happens with your body since you live in it. If he says, "Oh, it can't hurt that much," or even, "It doesn't hurt," then he is projecting his thoughts into you, telling you about yourself. He can't really know you, only you can do that. I recently read about that in "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. That book also showed me more about how I have been treated and why. I'm only a pretend person to Hubby, and will never be able to please him no matter what I do, unless he goes to counseling to find out why he behaves as he does and is willing to listen to the counselor and change.

[ex-shep]

Dear Carmen,
If I were you, and I'm not, I wouldn't take on too many battles at one time.
Love,
Anna Marta


Right on, sister. In all seriousnes, it is a good idea for former group members to prioritize what they can do for now and what will have to wait pending more recovery. In the early years of recovery I would write a list and take maybe the one or maybe two issues I was up to.