Prayer please

[hornblower]

My daughter and my husband are going to court in the morning because of this law suit. Please pray for grace for both of them. Peace. We all three need a big dose of it. It would be nice if these people could be seen for what they are doing to her.
I have a very hard time believing any of this stuff. If its true then by all means we should help them but........I dont believe any of it and there is as of right now not one shred of proof that my daughters dog ever did anything to this girl.

These people are just being mean. I think it is prejudiced against her. We cant very well just hand over money to any tom, dick, and harry that says they want it now can we? Not that she has one cent to her name anyway. No bill from a doctor no nothing.
Grrrrrrrr Im so weary of stuff, sometimes I wish I could scream, but alas I cant do that any more either. haha I faint now when I feel like screaming.........isnt that weird?

[hornblower]

welp God works fast lol. Tomorrow has been taken care of by our lawyer son/stepson so far so good. Its a lot calmer around here now thank the Lord and our son.

[Carmen]

Am praying for you and yours, Hornblower. :)

[hornblower]

Am praying for you and yours, Hornblower. :)

Thankyou so very much Carmen, I know God will bless you for it. Im really afraid of these people that are doing this to my daughter they have made threats. Telling her they will beat her up. Its hard to explain what she is like because of the way her mind works. She hides her fears but they are there making her very sick.
You know Carmen.........I wish I could just bring her and all of her messyness and lost sleep nights back here to my husbands and my hurt, for sure, but I cant right now no matter what I cant because of this house. It wouldnt really help though sooner or later shes got to be on her own without us and shes got to learn. Its so very hard, she is so sweet in so many ways, people just dont understand her and I admit freely its hard too, I know it is.
Anyway thankyou so much.

[Theodora]

(((Hornblower)))--Sorry I've not been able to "be" here much of late, but I did want you to know that I'd seen this prayer request and have been thinking about you and yours...and lifting you in prayer. Do let us know how thiings go....

Love and prayers--

Theodora


Thankyou so very much Carmen, I know God will bless you for it. Im really afraid of these people that are doing this to my daughter they have made threats. Telling her they will beat her up. Its hard to explain what she is like because of the way her mind works. She hides her fears but they are there making her very sick.
You know Carmen.........I wish I could just bring her and all of her messyness and lost sleep nights back here to my husbands and my hurt, for sure, but I cant right now no matter what I cant because of this house. It wouldnt really help though sooner or later shes got to be on her own without us and shes got to learn. Its so very hard, she is so sweet in so many ways, people just dont understand her and I admit freely its hard too, I know it is.
Anyway thankyou so much.

[Doug64]

Also praying for you and your family.

Doug

[Anna Marta]

You have our prayers too:)
Anna Marta

[Carmen]

Making threats? Oh dear! I hope you can get the problem solved as soon as possible. If their threats are in a letter or on the answering machine I would keep the letter or tape. It could be used to weaken their case.

[hornblower]

This girl that is suing my d took her shorts out of the dryer downstairs and threw them into the mens house on the floor. My d is paranoid you know so she sees something missing and of course she thinks someone is stealing from her always. She lives in a run down house in a relatively bad neighborhood to my way of thinking anyway. Lots of junk in the front yards, sorry if Im being judgemental, Im just worried about her.

Not enough to live with her though well yes right now I would live with her again if I could. There are four men that live downstairs all in various stages of some kind of disability. Her place is upstairs and in the back. Its a large add on like a garage apartment. The rent is very low but the bills are astronomical and this we dont get at all, my husband and I. The airconditioning between the five of them is about $650.00.


My husband has as of now taken over a partial account to insure that her bills are paid with her disability check. She never can make it. I dont know how anyone lives on just that check it would be impossible. They must all be on the streets. I also dont understand why she cant get food stamps but she cant for some reason. So anyway right now she has a good job and we can only hope that it lasts awhile. Most of them dont.

I could write forever about my daughter. Nobody understands how I feel. There are nothing but boys in this family of mine and her. They have nothing to do with her at all. No one does. I dont want pity but Im telling you this hurts me and it always will I dont know how I can ever get over it. To see how she is and how she lives and be able to accept it..........neither my husband or myself can deal with it, its mindblowing, numbs us, and I know we need professional help for it but we cant afford it.
I went for about a year when I took care of my Mom and my father had just died. All of the stress was too much for me.

I do have so much to be thankful for about her. She loves God and speaks to Him and evidently now He is speaking to her............always was dangerous about that in the past because of the schizophrenia if that is what she has nobody knows for sure. She calls me and talks to me and Im learning to listen and be quiet. She cant take me talking to her at all. Just little tiny short sentences. Nothing too deep. She is like a recording. I know that sounds cruel but it is what its like.

Anyway if youve been able to stay with me this long in my rambling on and on about her, this girl says that my d's dog bit her. If he did she is the first and only person he has bitten and my d says he didnt bite her but jumped up on her and because this girl had on short shorts he scratched her leg. They, this girl and her boyfriend downstairs told her they were going to beat her up one time.

Im sorry but the triggers never stop for me with her. Things happen that bring back the incident over and over again. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me its just that I have nowhere to go with this pain except God and here. I should go to God according to that last church I suppose and never share anything with anyone else.

I dont feel sorry for myself. To my way of thinking there are many more people in this world hurting more than I am or ever will. I think of the dear Mother that doesnt even have her daughter or the Mother that lost her son to that boy that did all of this criminal thing to my d and theirs. At least I had my d when she was little. She was a joy. She still is sometimes.
If this is a whine so be it I dont care if it is.

My husband really let loose the other day so much it was frightening to me. He cant take his stress of talking to her three or four times a day. LOL! Hard for me to feel sorry for him and yet I do because this whole thing has been layed on me for so many years on me and nobody else at all. I see that it is all killing him and it scares me but what can I do?

Take it all off of him again like I was doing I know, but then it was killing me. So I prayed and prayed and God took her out of this house. It was a miracle of huge proportions. One day she just called this place and moved out just like that! She has lived with us for 35 years, no breaks at all, only the few hospital stays and they wont treat her or keep her they surely never helped her at all.

There are many of these people in this world and no one but the people that live with them know what it is like. I would like to know someone similar. I have tried but its hard because my husband will not go. The one time we did we got stung.

Its a trial and God knows the way that I take. All Ive ever wanted from the body of Christ is prayer for her and the things that go along with her illness. The truth is churches cannot handle the truth about painful situations. They dont want to hear them they dont want to deal with them they want them to go away........... so I did. They are happy and so am I.......... sort of.

I know God loves me and is here for me and if He wants me to do something for Him I will I am here for Him always.

Right now I would like this house to sell for a reasonable price and get it off of our backs. This is not our home its my Mothers and Dads. I would like to move somewhere that will be the last place Ive had to move untill I die. I would like it to have some nature around it some trees and some quiet and be safe incase she ever has to move back in here with us. I always want her to get well of course. It would be nice if she had a friend so she could do things with them go to the show something, she has nobody. People hurt her everyday.

People will also be amazingly kind to her too. Most of all please get these silly people off of our backs that just want to extract money from us because of their stupid petty ways. Obviously they hate dogs so what else is new. This dog is all my d has and he worships her as all animals do. He was on a leash and he was in his own backyard which does not even remotely belong to this girl. I guess none of that matters any more.

I find it hard to believe that she has had rabies shots. We have absolutely no evidence that she even went to a doctor. We're just supposed to hand money over to anyone that makes a threat I guess. Right now they are wanting 700.00. Grrrrrrr.

We are weekly daily being drained of our hard earned money. There is no way she can make it on what she makes. She has bills mostly medical that are astronomical. We do too and its going to get worse because my husband has to have a hip replacement he can barely walk.
I know whine whine whine.
Dont read this.

[Anna Marta]

Our Dear Dear Friend and Sister in Christ,

Our prayers are with you. It sounds like you are feeling "over-the-top" stressed out right now. I am sorry for all you have to deal with. Having a daughter with paranoid schizophrenia must be terribly hard. Watching a child suffer tears at a parent's heart. We know God is at your sides as you go through this time.

I encourage you to share without guilt. It often helps to put our thoughts in writing.

God bless you,
Anna Marta

[hornblower]

thankyou so much anna. I dont want to sound like a drag but today has not been a good one for many reasons. Im becoming sort of a b***** old woman Im afraid resenting everyone ane everything. I went across the street this last saturday to see how this elderly lady was doing at our lake house.

I wont go into what she did to me the last time I saw her except to say that my husband even said to me stay away from her and he was going to go over and tell her what for because of the things she said to me. Ive done so many things for her its unreal how she is towards me.

She lit into me like I was a tyrant or something again! Its like a plague surrounding me.

Anyway that happened them this law suit and now my mamogram tomorrow and really thats my biggy because the last one didnt come out right. Im anxious. I wish I wouldnt be but I am. Ive been crying off and on all day long. Barking at my husband and the usual. He is always so unconcerned about these things always has been about me being ill.
I married my Mother.

She was the big hurt in my life and his personality is just like hers. The exact opposite of me. Quiet and shy, introverted, and very disciplined, compulsively hard working, to their own hurt they work so hard. Stubborn as mules. Always right. Sensitive but cold. I swear I married my Mother.

I made my peace with her but truthfully and I know this is so awful I still get nauseated just looking at her picture. I loved her but she made me feel sick somehow. Ive never understood it.

This is the ultimate SA in my life. I grew up thinking all of the time that God surely didnt love me couldnt love me because I never loved her and I knew I should. I did the SA to myself.

In fact Im sick at my stomach right now telling you this.
I feel guilty for telling you my feelings because some people have told me that I wallow in self pity and that I have a chip on my shoulder.
Now? Im having a very hard time keeping my personality in tact here if that makes any sense at all. Im really struggling and Id appreciate prayer so much.

Please pray for me that I dont have b cancer please please do. I was so very sick with chemo. I dont think I can ever do it again.
Well that helped just to say that and get it out.
Maybe I could make it. I remember I just went to bed and stayed there the whole time.
Nobody in my family cared anyway they never came and talked to me or did anything for me so I just went to bed. What can you do? I layed there until Jesus came and He did in the last treatment He came for me and lifted me up. My husband has some kind of illness being around anybody that is sick. He just isnt there!

He was more there for my cancer than he has ever been with anything else.
If I had any back bone at all I would have left him years ago but Im so blasted chicken and always have been. Just suffer suffer suffer thats all I know how to do. I used to laugh I used to be happy but now?
I went to weight watchers tonight and everyone there is so smiley. Whats wrong with them?

I tell you Im so depressed. Its bad today. The weather is so beautiful but Im depressed & crying.
I want to run away so bad sometimes heck most of the time. I wish I could run. Its feels so good to get outrside and walk fast with my dog. You know my daughter she gets outside and I mean to tell you she has no fear whatsoever which I know its so dangerous esp. here, this state is like the worst there is in the whole country.

She gets outside and walks and walks those little dogs they go see the horses and walk all over everywhere she satys gone for hours. She does it in her neighborhood too. I wish in a lot of ways that I could be like her.
I know this is so much and its like I should be just writing it in a journal or something but I dont know.

Just knowing that you are there, that someone is there, it helps me. I will get stronger I will I just know it. I know Ill die some day but not that way I hope. Not that stuff again. Ok Im going to try to get some sleep. I need to go get some physical therapy again my shoulders are killing me from the stress again. That heat they pack you in and those exercises that all helps me miraculously. If I could have a massage every week I wouldnt hurt at all I bet.

Im proud that I did everything I should have done today though in spite of all the tears and stuff. I bathed that was a biggy for me. Gross isnt it? I walked for a long time tonight and this morning thats good. I put make up on and went out to my WW meeting and fixed dinner and cleaned up down here till the place shines. Made three earrings.
So anyway yea for me on that one.
thankyou anna.

[Anna Marta]

The situation with your neighbor is a classic.
Did you "expect" that she "would" be nice to you because of all the nice things you do for her? Were you nice to her in order to win her approval and/or friendship? Is this about the neighbor or is it your being hurt because you see her as abusive because she did not react according to your expectations?

I KNOW THIS IS HARD... much of getting out has to do with our figuring out how to unravel the yarn.

Here are questions that helped me at one time in my life. It took me a long long time to get to the bottom of it and the pursuit drove me to God for the answers, which came in surprising ways. The pursuit also brought me pain that lead to growth...

What are you looking to get from people that you never seem to receive from them - no matter how much you do for them?

What gives you the most peace or calm? How can you get that without being disappointed because some person isn't giving it?

What hole do you want to be filled?

Over what things do I have some control and over what things do I have no control?

One step at a time and one day at a time. That's about all any of us can do on our own, right? God is on your side and he is at your side. He does not bring guilt or shame or fear and does not want his children to be victims...

I love you and respect you,
Anna Marta:)

[hornblower]

Anna I didnt expect anything from her but that she would continue to be my friend and would not be critical of me. As I am not critical of her. Thats all. I didnt want anything in return from her. I never would give things to anyone expecting a return thats just not me. What that boils down too is I dont give very much but hey I really dont give expecting a thing back. Ive had too many people do that to me so I know better.

She saw things I had made and then she wants them for herself telling me she would pay me for them. This happens with most people that I know except this lady didnt pay me for the one thing I made for her, she said she just had to have me make her some earrings. Shes elderly so when she didnt pay me I thought well so what, Ill let it go.

She thinks she would be a much better Mother than I am being to my daughter and also she thinks I am not treating my husband right by not working and helping to support my daughter. She says I shopuld control the entire situation. Lol. The stuff she will never understand and evidently doesnt want too. You absolutely cannot control my d. Theres no way on this eart or in heaven either! I told her its none of her business.

End of relationship. Its the second time its happened so this time its over with. I should have known better. She talks about getting crossways with everyone and how they wont have anything to do with her anymore. Why didnt I listen to the signs right there..........like duh!

Just like that church I wanted to trust them and NOT going to be happening!

Its really not a big deal, its not like my best friend or something. The thing is I know she is very sick with heart problems and needs to go to the emergency hospital from time to time or be picked up from there so we have been doing this for her when she has her fainting spells. So knowing this I went over to her when she was out in her yard and tried to talk to her by simply saying hello how have you been doing? Right away she says, so where is my apology?
I only apologise now days when I know Ive done something wrong. I told her I will apologise for saying I didnt care because I do care about her health and her well being. Im not going to apologise for telling her its none of her business. Its not!

I learned a lot from this relationship. First off, she was telling me she was a difficult person to know............why didnt I believe that? Then when she does her same number on me that she does on others I got mad just like they do evidently and walked off. I dont know how I feel about that.

Because it was about my daughter though it brought up tremendous anxiety again just like the church abuse. I had to fight hard to keep from killing myself.
I really dont know why I react this way. I guess to be honest it feels like a switch into that suicidal personality. So maybe I do have mpd I dont know? Not every person that wants to die has MPD do they?

The thing about my daughter is too much for me and I hate it that it is but it is.
Its just like taking care of my sick parents. Everyday I would feel within myself I cannot do this, I HATE doing this, but I got up and did it everyday, all of the time, like so much of what I do day in and day out. Just thinking about that caring of them makes me sick to this day.

But isnt that what everybody does?
You know what Anna? I dont know what is wrong with me at all.
Jesus feels very far away from me now these days. I go to Him and I hear Him tell me He loves me but in truth and Im scared to say this, is it really Him?

What do I want from a friendship? Someone who genuinely likes me and loves me and will most assuredly talk to me. I need someone who will talk to me and not condemn me. What I would like to have and I dont trust anyone now because of this SA is someone who will stick by me even though I get in suicidal moods at times. Not often but sometimes I do.

There is nobody that will do that for me. NOBODY! There was one person at one time but now she is gone. That was a councelor I had at a church I went too. She is and was a living angel from God. She told me that if my husband ever talked to me the way he has in times past she would gladly come pick me up. Or let me come to her house to spend the night or something to help me. That to me was like GOD speaking to me.

Heres something I dont think Ive ever said to anybody not even myself and I hope its ok to say here I do think Im terribly unappreciative for saying it of Him but hey realistically Jesus does not come pick me up out of things when I need Him too.

See now thats not completely true because He did come and pick me up out of chemo. Oh well.

Nobody was there for Him either. Nobody! You know what? If that would have been me on that cross my Mom wouldnt have come that much I do know. Neither would my brother or my sister or any of them and for sure not my husband. Now my daughter she would have killed those soldiers for even touching me. She would have come for a minute or tow to ask me to leave her something when Im gone. ROFL.
Hey Anna............I dont have b cancer they took my mamaogram SIX times! Anyway they cant find the spot they were looking for. I dont know if that brings me peace or not but its over...........yea! My shoulder is out of joint but its over.
Im celebrating!