Sick to my stomach [Archive] - Christian Recovery Forums

Savedbygrace

11-08-2004, 08:40 PM

Ok, it has been 4 weeks since I left my church. Why can they not just respect my decision and leave me alone? Tonight I get a call from a woman who just cannot let it go. She has been sending those little post cards in the mail to my kids saying how much they are missed when they don't come to church. She is continuing to send me letters and invites to every little church function. She has left me messages. Now tonight was the clincher, she has her 5 year old son call and leave a message for my 7 year old son, "Michael, this is xxxxx, why havent you been coming to church. I miss you and love you. Call me"

I am sick to my stomach. This is so hard for me to take my kids to another church. But it is necessary. They have experienced so much loss, in the past two years. My husband kills himself, we had to move to a new house, my son starts kindergarten, and then for first grade I have to send him to another school, now I have to change churches. He is having a hard time. And with every manipulative message they send, I doubt myself even more.

I feel all alone again. Lost, tranplanted, without a home or a family. Just when I start to feel ok with my decision, they call, or write, or email. Then I get all upset again. I am starting to not trust myself. I feel like a crappy mom, a crappy christian, and a crappy person in general. Uggghhhh. I hate this.

Trish

Voyager

11-08-2004, 09:58 PM

SavedByGrace,

You are an excellent mom. I wish I had a mom like you. You are obviously very caring and compassionate, and your posts reflect the care that you have for your kids. Remember this - the care, concern, and love that you have for them will get them through anything. Many kids don't have that.

Will the things that have happened affect your kids? Probably. We are all marked by things that have happened to us. But they will know that no matter what, you are there for them. One caring person can make the difference.

I am so sorry for your losses. I can definitely tell that you are hurting big time. I know the hurt of that kind of loss. It is very, very painful. You need a shoulder to support you.

What kind of things were they doing in your church that made you flee? I know it's difficult to try to find a new church. Your kids have suffered much loss. It's not fair.

All I have to offer is my support. You are such a great person. You are a great mom. Don't believe the lie that says because you have suffered these losses because you are not a good person - that is a bunch of lies. You are just a victim.

Time heals wounds. They say it takes about five years to get over the death or loss of someone who was close to you. In the mean time there will be a lot of emotional ups and downs. Go ahead and grieve. It's okay to grieve - it's natural. It won't always be this bad.

:cool:

ex-shep

11-08-2004, 11:19 PM

Destructive groups do this for several reasons. One is they fear that the truth may come out about there group.

One has to realize the "cult" mindset that the only reality is the group itself. The thought of leaving is unthinkable. It is manipulative.

Remember you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You deserve your boundaries and deserve to be around healthy people. I have had to get an unlisted number, a PO BOX and refuse mail. Walter Martin said they is nothing wrong with slaming the door in a cultist face. It is one way of keeping one out. I have had to set such boundaries after I left my group.

Voyager

11-08-2004, 11:42 PM

I got an unlisted number too. You may want to consider that SBG. It does not help to have people calling your kids if you want to protect them from that place.

:cool:

Voyager

11-09-2004, 06:01 AM

SavedByGrace,

Nevermind, I found your list on the other forum:

Old church:

Contolling and Manipulative leadership
Pastoral staff do not understand recovery or addiction or brokeness
People making comments about style of worship (I like to raise my hands to praise the Lord or to stand during praise and worship. Many do not "approve" of this)
Lack of unity among leadership
Lack of care and love shown to my children and myself after my husband's suicide
No other single mothers there
Lack of response when I asked for men to reach out to my son
Pastor's wife lied numerous times to me, said many hurtful things, talked behind my back, talked about others to me, and refused to take accountablilty for any of her actions.
People are always in my business. If you miss one Sunday, the phone has actually rang before the service got out. (no joke, the pastor's wife called me from the office during the middle of hte service to see why we were not there)
Lack of fellowship
No response to my numerous offers to serve in any capacity.
Actually was attacked by pastors wife when i offered ideas for the ladies ministry, she called me and attacked me for going behind her back (I went to her husband the pastor and offered to help serve the ladies ministry)
When you try to help someone in need, it is called "enabling"
Lack of support over my need to leave. Being told I am going against the will of God to go to another church.
Told that even though I am a widow and single mother, I should not look to the church to fill my needs, I should look for how I can help with the needs of the church.

New Church

Energetic worship style. No one is watching or cares how you praise the Lord
Pastoral staff is "real" broken, understand addictions and recovery
Pastor has already reached out to me with a note of encouragement, even though he pastors a church of over 1000 people.
Excellent small group ministry including two for single moms and two for singles.
Excellent childrens ministry
Lots of places to serve
Emphasis on helping with the needs of single parents and widows
Down side, it is about a 30 minute ride from home, so it is harder to get to all the activities and small groups, but it is managable.

WOW! I'd say it's a no-brainer.

:cool:

Savedbygrace

11-09-2004, 06:23 AM

ROFL Voyager!!!

I was just about to do a cut and paste of that list! Thanks for saving me the time :)

Yeah, it is a no brainer, but it is still so painful to make my kids go through another loss. While if it were just me, I would have ben gone a long time ago, my kids have become very at home there. The new church is much larger, and less of a family feel (although the old "family" was very dysfunctunal)

I have got to remember that I am the adult here, and that I do not want my children growing up "religious." I want them to grow up in Christ. My new pastor has a saying. When he tells people he is a pastor of a Christian church and they respond, "Well, I am not very religious." He says, "That's GREAT! Neither am I!" The Pharisee's were religious, I just want ot be a follower of Christ, and that is what I want for my kids.

OK, now back to work! Pray for my son, as he is home sick today with the flu bug.

Thanks,

Trish

Savedbygrace

11-09-2004, 06:30 AM

You are an excellent mom. I wish I had a mom like you. You are obviously very caring and compassionate, and your posts reflect the care that you have for your kids. Remember this - the care, concern, and love that you have for them will get them through anything. Many kids don't have that.

All I have to offer is my support. You are such a great person. You are a great mom. Don't believe the lie that says because you have suffered these losses because you are not a good person - that is a bunch of lies. You are just a victim.

Time heals wounds. They say it takes about five years to get over the death or loss of someone who was close to you. In the mean time there will be a lot of emotional ups and downs. Go ahead and grieve. It's okay to grieve - it's natural. It won't always be this bad.

:cool:

:o Thank you for this also. I really needed to hear this. I beat myself up so badly. I have the "if you only knew me, you wouldn't say these things" kind of messed up mind set. I do not know why, it is not like I secretly beat my children or anything, I guess it is just an old mindset. Thank you again for you words of affirmation and support.

Trish

Jerry

11-09-2004, 11:32 PM

Dear Trish,,,
Is there a lawyer that attends your New Church?? I bet for 25 to 50 bucks He would write them a letter explaining how much pain and suffering they are causing and that He is sure that is not their intent . Now that this unfortunate situation has been brought to their attention,He is confidant that all communication will stop.
Sometimes Trish, all it takes is a nice letter :rolleyes:
Love Jerry

Savedbygrace

11-10-2004, 08:40 AM