Interpersonal Stress

[Willow]

I'm wondering about the different styles of handling conflict here... and how many of you were altered in your style of handling conflict due to church rules and unspoken expectations that we all live in harmony and don't rock the boat. I'm having the darndest time figuring out what's the healthy thing to do in regular life situations. One in particular is nagging at me today and stealing my restful day off. I made the choice to stand up for myself in a situation and have paid for it ever since. It set someone that I board horses with on a war path against me... or that's how it feels. I moved my horse off her pasture and to another one in order to get away from it. Unfortunately, she's about to drive me off of the entire farm. She's now over talking to my pasture mate and it feels like she's trying to get him to side up against me. I see the interpersonal dynamics at play, but it's like someone declawed me. I don't fight like other women. I have no claws. I think it's my job in the world to keep everyone happy... even at my own expense. But if I keep fleeing conflict.... I end up with a very small corner of the world in which to live.

Anyone else deal with this? Do you think it came from your church experience or the way you were raised... or both?

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=Willow;37715]I'm wondering about the different styles of handling conflict here...

Are not boundaries wonderful? It is late and my cognitive abilities are ready to clock out for the night. I cannot help but remember a comment made by the pastor of the Baptist church I went to in college, "Jesus did not rock the boat, he tipped it over". Take it for what's it's worth.

[Jo Jo]

I try to not rock the boat, but that hasn't helped me so far. So I'm trying to learn to get my voice back, but in a good way, but sometimes it takes going over board before it comes back to the middle and that's ok, we need practice asserting ourselves - it will sort out in the end.

I definitely believe that it comes from our families and how we are raised, but of course it has been compounded by our churches, because we actually repeat things from our families if we don't get help for them and deal with them. Drat. I fought that one forever until it's been proven over and over. Deal with the poo then it finally goes away and we can act differently in the same situations.

It seems a little much here what's going on at this pasture place to you. Maybe it's time to just say "pardon me" to them - the creepy creeps. I know I hate confrontation.

[Anna Marta]

Hi Willow,
Can recommend the book "Crucial Conversations", it was rec to me through this forum.

Having that said - there are people who DO have serious personality disorders and these disorders don't surface until someone crosses them, then look out! :mad:

They prey on "nice" people who they perceive as threats because of their abilities. They drive them out of places by never giving up their covert war to be rid of them. Efforts to reason with or fight them are basically useless as they are capable of turning everything upside down and using it against you. Examples we have seen: they control every aspect of the physical environment, gossip, with-hold critical data to sabatoge you, and blatantly disregarded or ignore your ideas, comments or even your presence in a room or conversation - while appearing warm and personable. :mad: It is EVIL personified.

Look out for those traits in action.

We went to the docs when I started to have reactions due to this kind of behavior from the head of the Bible school in which I was teaching. The doctor told me to "walk out the door and not look back!" He said he had colleagues who had been disabled for life by trying to work with such people.

In Norwegian we don't have a lot of fancy terms, so they kind of hit it blatantly right on the nose by saying psychopath. A counselor in the state church wrote a book some years ago - "Power People in the Church" and rocked the entire country! That small book led to the opening of pandoras box as letters poured in. Sadly, the result given in the book is the only answer is to walk away with as little said as possible.

If you are dealing with this kind of person, I would say unless you are ready for the wrath of hell to be unleashed, find a greener pasture.

[Willow]

Great feedback ya'll. After a good night's rest, I feel better about it. I surely hope this woman isn't a psychopath, but I do believe she's barely sane! She's most likely so insecure she has to control every aspect of the farm around her. I thought by moving to a different pasture I would be out of her way, but she's followed me! I can't tell her to quit talking to my pasture mate, but by her doing that, she's pulled him into the conflict. Ah well... such is life. I may need to take Anna's advice and move on to another place. I just get tired of the avoidcance technique.

[Katie]

They prey on "nice" people who they perceive as threats because of their abilities. They drive them out of places by never giving up their covert war to be rid of them. Efforts to reason with or fight them are basically useless as they are capable of turning everything upside down and using it against you. Examples we have seen: they control every aspect of the physical environment, gossip, with-hold critical data to sabatoge you, and blatantly disregarded or ignore your ideas, comments or even your presence in a room or conversation - while appearing warm and personable. It is EVIL personified.

This is exactly what happened to us with the pastor. Looking back we can see that he was strategically planning the trap he set for us for over a year all the while claiming to want an improved relationship. It's pretty tough to have a truly good relationship with someone who is taking your attendance, making notes of every comment you make, planting lies with others who know you, and plotting when he can twist it all into something useful for his agenda.

Sadly, the result given in the book is the only answer is to walk away with as little said as possible.

This is what we did. Based on the fact that he owned the "game" and controlled all of the players, there was no hope of a truthful outcome.


Willow,
Sorry to sidetrack your thread with this. I probably should have started a separate one. The issue you are dealing with sounds like triangulation. Possibly the best way you could deal with this is to talk to the new pasture person directly and simply tell them you aren't interested in anyone taking sides in some sort of a competition, you just want to pasture your horses, period. If I remember right, there may have been a thread on this board at one time about triangulation that would contain some helpful ideas.

[Willow]

It's not a side track at all. I'm keeping my mouth shut until something happens to involve me. So far I can just see it coming in the tea leaves... LOL! I may be a tad paranoid and it would be embarassing if I said something prematurely.

[hornblower]

I'm wondering about the different styles of handling conflict here... and how many of you were altered in your style of handling conflict due to church rules and unspoken expectations that we all live in harmony and don't rock the boat. I'm having the darndest time figuring out what's the healthy thing to do in regular life situations. One in particular is nagging at me today and stealing my restful day off. I made the choice to stand up for myself in a situation and have paid for it ever since. It set someone that I board horses with on a war path against me... or that's how it feels. I moved my horse off her pasture and to another one in order to get away from it. Unfortunately, she's about to drive me off of the entire farm. She's now over talking to my pasture mate and it feels like she's trying to get him to side up against me. I see the interpersonal dynamics at play, but it's like someone declawed me. I don't fight like other women. I have no claws. I think it's my job in the world to keep everyone happy... even at my own expense. But if I keep fleeing conflict.... I end up with a very small corner of the world in which to live.

Anyone else deal with this? Do you think it came from your church experience or the way you were raised... or both?


Im right in the middle of it right now with this latest thing with my sister and also my daughters impending trail date being set up against her...............we have no money for this dont know what to do, shes sure doesnt have any.

Yes what happened to me at these churches comes against me often. They used me and I let them. So what to do?
When I was a new christian without all of the falderal that accompanies church and what I now know as false teachings, I simply went to Him and asked Him what was right and what was wrong. Often He had me lay down my life for others but it was led by HIM! He told me exactly what I was to do and not to do.
Turning the other cheek I think is this way. It has to be led by Him to do it, otherwise it turns into the many false religious ideas of laying down and being a nothing which is not the Lords way at all.
For instance in the beginning my husband hated me reading the bible. He was not yet born again and so he was severely raking me over the coals being mean and nasty to me. I went into my room and screamed out to the Lord I HATE HIM!
This is what the Lord said to me........you dont have to love him at all you can come to me anytime you want and complain Im here for you all of the way. BUT.........why dont you let ME love him through you? NO I shouted. He said to me he promised me it wont hurt..it will be fun as it will be yours and My little secret. I was suspicious. What do I have to do? He answered..........nothing just go into the kitchen and begin doing what he was so rudely telling you to do............you dont have to be doing it just see Me as the One who is doing it through you that way you wont be doing something you hate to be doing.
As you see I was like a little child in the beginning of my walk with Jesus.
Its not easy learning to stay like that with Him.
To make a long story short my husband was down on his knees asking God into His life within the next two weeks. First thing my husband said to me as i was vacuming the floors, what are you doing I didnt mean you had to do it right now. Im not doing it I said. He said what have you lost your mind? Jesus told me that He would vacumn your old silly floors so hes doing this for you Im NOT!
Now..........this is not an answer for what you or anybody else is going through. Im going through same stuff as you right now, seems like its a bad rash on here maybe its everywhere! I dont know what Im going to do Im a still going to Him as much as I can and will let myself do which should be a lot more than I am doing. You cant take what one persons story is and make it into a religion as Im sure you know.
I dont think that there is a wrong or right thing to do anytime, there is only us and Him to reckon with. People attack us. We try it this way.........stay quiet let them have their way with us become distraught so we try it another way we speak up and we get in trouble. What is the answer for all of it? There is no formula! Unlike the church would have you think. For one person its this way this time and another way the next time, we are all following by faith and faith is what makes us holy and righteous people, not deeds.
In my latest trial this is the thing which keeps coming to me is what Abraham did. He made a lot of booboos but so what? We all make booboos. Righteousness was attributed to him because he believed in listening and following God. Its very personal isnt it? Thats the real church.
We overcame because of the word of our testimony and the blood of the lamb.

[Pinkie Pie]

I have a hard time telling people I am upset with them, even when they have reassured me over and over again that it if something is bothering them, to let them know. There's only a handful of people I personally know right now, who I truly believe that I can tell them something is bothering me and they will be adult about it. But even with them, it is still extremely difficult to work up the courage to tell them, weeks, even months can go by. And then I decide it's not even worth it anymore to say anything. And I believe it stems from both my childhood, and the church I was at. Just taking into consideration the church, I can't even count how many times I tried to tell someone as nicely as I knew how, that what they were doing was hurting me. And though they would seem to take in maturely at that moment, it would come back to smack me in the face a few hours later or a few days. Either with a phone call, blasting my ear, or to my face, clowning me in front of other people, or me overhearing them talking about me or whatever. I guess that is why it is still hard to trust the people who so far have BEEN trustworthy, because I am always expecting to be blasted about it later. :(

[SpinningHead]

My two cents...

I've learned (with a lot of practice) to separate stating the truth from someone taking it as a personal attack when in fact, I'm not attacking. Their reaction is their issues and not mine.

If someone is coming to you saying she is talking about you...then you could say, "I'm so sorry she feels the need to bring you into something that she should really be discussing with me. That must have made you feel very uncomfortable to be put in that position.". I said that A LOT to people when we were at our church and gossip was breeding about us. After a while, people who were caught in the middle started to feel free to speak up and tell the offenders they didn't want to hear it. Talk about deflating a balloon!

You could also approach her and let her know that you are aware she has been discussing an issue with others instead of you and that you are open to discuss the issue if she is willing to have that "crucial conversation" (excellent book!!!!!) with you directly. If she is willing to work something out and air some differences then fine! Be open to her feelings, listen and then take some time to think of a response or even an apology is one is warrented. Otherwise if she isn't willing to discuss, then you know she is determined to be a troublemaker...stay away from her and don't worry about what she is going to do next b/c people will see right through her!

Just be honest with yourself, honest about the situation, willing to be open to hearing what part is yours and the rest isn't worth the steam off your breath! So don't let any of your positive good energy and intentions be tangled up in the foolishness of a trouble maker.

[Carmen]

I think that just getting the truth out into the open is best, although I am not good at it in live situations which require quick thinking and response. I get tongue-tied. My mom is better at those kinds of confrontations. She confronted a woman that she found out gossiped about her at work. When the others were gathered at break time she asked the woman where she knew so much about her, when my mom never had told anyone about those aspects of her life. Everyone knew that the woman had lied. The woman was so embarrassed that she didn't gossip about my mom anymore.

I think that confrontation with the truth is the best way, if you can figure out how to do it effectively. I like SpinningHead's suggestions. I think keeping your cool is important. If she loses hers while you keep yours it would weaken her argument in the eyes of a third party.