Voyager
11-05-2004, 11:24 AM
When I was two-years-old, my dad left my mom. He took off with another woman, started committing crimes, and was then locked up in prison for 18 years. My mom got remarried when I was 11 to an ex-marine cop who decided that he was going to teach my younger brother and I some discipline. Between the ages of 11 and 16 I attended eight different schools (we moved often). I quit school at the age of 16, and my mom subsequently got divorced again. I got real wild from the age of 16 until I was 21, then I decided to get saved and find a stable life for a change.
I ended up joining a charismatic church of around 400 people that was 30 miles from where I lived. I ended up moving to be closer to the church. Evntually I met a great woman there and got married to her. She had also come from a broken, dysfunctional family. For both of us, this church became everything. Since neither of us had any stable family ties, we found a "replacement family" in the church. We now had the brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandmas, and grandpas that we never had. Everything seemed so right. We were so happy that we now had a stable support system to raise our children in - or so we thought.
When we had been at the church about 12 years, we began to notice a lot of abuse that was taken place. I was in the music ministry, so I saw a lot of abuse that others didn't see. The pastor had began using shaming, manipulation, and control on members to gain compliance. If anyone ever questioned the methods being used, they were blacklisted and shunned. One day I decided that I could no longer tolerate the abuse, so I left the church. Fortunately, my wife left with me. After we left, we were blacklisted by the pastor. Members were told to have nothing to do with us. They turned the other way when they saw us on the street. All of this took place in the latter part of 1998.
After we left, it was an uphill battle. We had just found out that we had a second daughter on the way. We struggled to find another church, but nothing seemed to fit. I found myself being triggered by certain Scriptures to the point that I would get up and walk out of church services. My heart was torn apart, and our lives were traumatized by the severing of close relationships in our former church. Because of this, I found myself unable to trust church-people anymore. To make matters worse, we had no stable family to speak of. We became an island unto ourselves, and still are today for the most part.
My daughters are now ages five and nine. They are great kids, but they don't have any adult figures in their lives except for their teachers and their parents. They don't have any aunts, uncles, grandmas, and grandpas to turn to for support. Right now I don't think they see the lack - but I sure do. It grieves me every day, sometimes to the point of depression. My heart aches as bad today as it did in 1998 when I escaped the abusive church. I find it almost impossible to trust people. The fear of rejection is very real, and I have a tendency to get very defensive when I sense it happening again.
Why can't I seem to "move on" from this? It feels like I am stuck. I have trouble being organized and disciplined now. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. There is a constant pain in my heart that never goes away. I want to be a stable parent and husband, but it's very difficult. The desire to self-medicate to make the pain go away is overwhelming at times. I want to join a support group, but the memories of the last one are stuck in my mind. Something inside me tells me that no matter how good the group looks, eventually they will find fault with me and sever ties with me.
It's been six years now, but it seems like just yesterday. I try to repress the memories, but it's impossible to do so. If I had some kind of stable support system or a family to lean on, I feel like I could work through this. But without that, it seems impossible. Will it ever get any better?
:cool:
I ended up joining a charismatic church of around 400 people that was 30 miles from where I lived. I ended up moving to be closer to the church. Evntually I met a great woman there and got married to her. She had also come from a broken, dysfunctional family. For both of us, this church became everything. Since neither of us had any stable family ties, we found a "replacement family" in the church. We now had the brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandmas, and grandpas that we never had. Everything seemed so right. We were so happy that we now had a stable support system to raise our children in - or so we thought.
When we had been at the church about 12 years, we began to notice a lot of abuse that was taken place. I was in the music ministry, so I saw a lot of abuse that others didn't see. The pastor had began using shaming, manipulation, and control on members to gain compliance. If anyone ever questioned the methods being used, they were blacklisted and shunned. One day I decided that I could no longer tolerate the abuse, so I left the church. Fortunately, my wife left with me. After we left, we were blacklisted by the pastor. Members were told to have nothing to do with us. They turned the other way when they saw us on the street. All of this took place in the latter part of 1998.
After we left, it was an uphill battle. We had just found out that we had a second daughter on the way. We struggled to find another church, but nothing seemed to fit. I found myself being triggered by certain Scriptures to the point that I would get up and walk out of church services. My heart was torn apart, and our lives were traumatized by the severing of close relationships in our former church. Because of this, I found myself unable to trust church-people anymore. To make matters worse, we had no stable family to speak of. We became an island unto ourselves, and still are today for the most part.
My daughters are now ages five and nine. They are great kids, but they don't have any adult figures in their lives except for their teachers and their parents. They don't have any aunts, uncles, grandmas, and grandpas to turn to for support. Right now I don't think they see the lack - but I sure do. It grieves me every day, sometimes to the point of depression. My heart aches as bad today as it did in 1998 when I escaped the abusive church. I find it almost impossible to trust people. The fear of rejection is very real, and I have a tendency to get very defensive when I sense it happening again.
Why can't I seem to "move on" from this? It feels like I am stuck. I have trouble being organized and disciplined now. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. There is a constant pain in my heart that never goes away. I want to be a stable parent and husband, but it's very difficult. The desire to self-medicate to make the pain go away is overwhelming at times. I want to join a support group, but the memories of the last one are stuck in my mind. Something inside me tells me that no matter how good the group looks, eventually they will find fault with me and sever ties with me.
It's been six years now, but it seems like just yesterday. I try to repress the memories, but it's impossible to do so. If I had some kind of stable support system or a family to lean on, I feel like I could work through this. But without that, it seems impossible. Will it ever get any better?
:cool: