I thought it would never happen in my current church

[MommyKane]

I grew up in a very spiritually abusive church. I left my home state to go to Bible college, and afterwards decided to stay put. A friend brought me to a well-known church in the area. It was the most graceful, healing place I'd ever experienced, and after being raised in the church, getting a degree in Bible, and doing a short-term stint on the mission field, I finally met the real Jesus and it sunk in that He really does love me. I've been a part of that church now for over 12 years, and over the past few years, have been involved in ministry as a lay minister in a women's recovery group. This church has been, at least until recently, very supportive of the idea that hurting people need other people who understand and can identify what they have gone through to come alongside and walk with them, being "Jesus with skin on" to them. Our senior pastor has even co-authored books on spiritual abuse.

Recently, however, within two years of the move from being a church that met in a high-school gym or a conference center to building a permanent building, the tides seem to have turned. Suddenly, it's no longer ok to be "in recovery", and an attitude of "get over it" has been adopted. Classes and groups meant to walk with people through some difficult issues are being pushed out in favor of tennis teams, boating and motorcycle clubs, etc. Further, church members who have stood up and questioned why the complete change in direction have been labeled as having a "rebellious spirit", and though no one has been mentioned by name, statements have been made from the pulpit ridiculing people for questioning this direction. (My best guess is, that misinformation without the attempt to clarify or understand the questioning was communicated to the senior leadership team, including the senior and executive pastors by someone lower down the "totem pole")

Suddenly, this church no longer feels safe. I absolutely agree that it is possible for people to dwell on and choose to stay in their pain rather than moving through it into the abundant life that Christ offers us, and that in itself is wrong. However, is it necessary to completely abandon people in pain who need their church to come around them? The church still stays involved with all the "religiously correct" causes, such as AIDS relief, and raising funds for local and international relief initiatives. However, it now seems to frown on getting down in the mud with the hurting.

Obviously, you're only hearing my side of the story, and right now I am feeling very confused, hurt, and raw. I acknowledge that I have not handled everything perfectly. There have indeed been things I have said that I wish I hadn't. For that I have attempted to apologize and make amends, (without abandoning my convictions about where I feel God leading me) but feel that I am only wanted there at this point for my weekly tithe. I want to go to one of the few pastors in my church whom I feel I can still trust for council, but as I've already been labeled "divisive", I fear that any attempt to do so would be misconstrued as trying to be manipulative and further a personal agenda, even though I really do just want counsel!!

My husband and I are beginning to look for other churches, but it isn't easy to do when we've both been burned before this more recent experience with our current church, and have two children that are very attached to and love the church. We both feel very called to the specific ministry we have been serving in, and know that God will do his work in this area whether it involves our current church or not. It isn't the church that heals and gives life, but God. But, at the same time, we have much invested where we are, and it is heartbreaking to find ourselves in this position. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all that the church that introduced me to Jesus, and taught me about what spiritual abuse is and that it isn't God's plan - seems now to be becoming abusive. Anyone out there have any insights?

[Voyager]

My husband and I are beginning to look for other churches, but it isn't easy to do when we've both been burned before this more recent experience with our current church, and have two children that are very attached to and love the church. We both feel very called to the specific ministry we have been serving in, and know that God will do his work in this area whether it involves our current church or not. It isn't the church that heals and gives life, but God. But, at the same time, we have much invested where we are, and it is heartbreaking to find ourselves in this position. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all that the church that introduced me to Jesus, and taught me about what spiritual abuse is and that it isn't God's plan - seems now to be becoming abusive. Anyone out there have any insights?

Mommy,

As one who has experienced the devastating effects of abruptly exiting a spiritually abusive church, let me give you a little insight from my experience. Leaving a group of people that you have known as family for many years is very traumatizing. If I had to do it over again, I would do it differently. Unfortunately at the time I didn't even know what spiritual abuse was, I just knew something was very wrong. I didn't have this forum. I didn't have any books on spiritual abuse. So I just exited the hard way, and I became somewhat vocal about my concerns. This caused me to be ostracized from the group, and all relationships with all 450 of the people I had grown so attached to were severed in one instant.

Looking back, I know that I was right. Five years later, over 300 people have escaped the group, and the pastor has been removed for the abuse. This is a rarity, and not the norm. I did a lot of exposing to bring this about. I became a "Linda Tripp". But the problem is, everybody hates Linda on both sides of the debate. It didn't help me to expose this person. It hurt me. I have a hard time trusting people now. The wound is still very painful even after six years.

What would I do if I had to do it over again? Well, if I had kids there that were attached to the group, I would not even think about abruptly leaving. I would educate myself, I would try to be very professional in my dealings with the leadership, and only if I personally were asked to commit a crime would I try to expose anyone or anything.

You see, no loss of relationships is worth exposing someone. It's not worth the fracturing of long-term friendships that takes place. It's not the people's fault. It's probably the fault of the parent who abused the abuser, and their parents, and their parents. The pain of seeing relationships severed in such a hostile way is so damaging, I cannot even begin to explain it.

Your kids will survive. Teach them. Make them aware in subtle ways. Just like you would if a sexual predator lived nearby. Try to teach them that blood is thicker than religion. Tell them that God gave them a brain to think with and make decisions for themselves. Tell them that God will talk with them if He wants to, and will never speak direction into their life through someone else.

I have seen kids torn away from parents who escaped my former church. One was the choir director / school band leader. He and his wife left the church after I did, and their grown kids stayed at the church and were turned against their parents. His brother's family (elders) also turned against him and his wife. They labelled them as "divisive" and turned the whole church against him. He had been a humble servant of the church for 18 years. Don't do this. This is not healthy for anyone.

I know that we are not to counsel people on this forum, but I am just giving you some of my experience and recommendations. I hope it's not out of bounds. I would just hate to see anyone go through what I went through. Would it be easy to wink at the abuse? NO! But it's much worse to have your whole spiritual world come crashing down on you. You would find that "those who expose the problem become the problem". It's not the smart thing to do. There are much more subtle, sensible ways to deal with the problem. Others here may disagree with me, and that's fine. We are all entitled to our opinions.

Jumping out of a church family can be compared to losing all of your family members (brothers, cousins, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, grandpas) and your friends in an earthquake. What's even worse is when they come back to haunt you by snubbing and rejecting you when they see you. It's not natural to have this happen. It is very psychologically damaging.

Sorry for the long post. This is just a topic that I am very passionate about. I see it happen to so many people, and it's always so destructive. I would love to see someone go through it without so much damage - if at all possible.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

:cool:

[Jerry]

I want to go to one of the few pastors in my church whom I feel I can still trust for council, but as I've already been labeled "divisive", I fear that any attempt to do so would be misconstrued as trying to be manipulative and further a personal agenda, even though I really do just want counsel!!



Dear MommyKane,,,,
So your labeled"divisive",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,What a wonderful "Gift"!!!!!!!!!!!!,,,,Matt 10 verses 34-42 ;)
Love Jerry

[Willow]

Hi,
Hi and Welcome MomKane.

Is it possible that the church has decided to target people with money rather than people in recovery? This would cause a church to change it's focus/program without telling anyone why. In my experience "secretive" is NOT OK. I'm so glad you are moving forward in spite of it all. I think this kind of stuff can happen to any church. I was attending a house church for awhile that I truly enjoyed. At the point that they started thinking about getting a building, things became very competitive amongst those wanting leadership roles. The warm relationship focus was replaced by a focus on growth and numbers.

At any rate, any time a church changes focus like you are describing, they are expecting to lose members and gain a new set of members. The house church pastor even told me this. Sounds pretty heartless to me and exactly why I don't enjoy church anymore. I would rather surround myself with a group of friends in a sort of "unchurch" environment.

I do hope this helps. I think I rambled on too long.

Amy

[MommyKane]

Thank you all for your insights thus far, and for the welcome. I appreciate it. It's really difficult to navigate what is going on in my church, as there have been so many conflicting messages going around.

Until recently, I viewed this as a single person who just "doesn't get it", as messages from the pulpit had continued to support the idea of getting in the trenches with hurting people. I tried to go to this person, as well as her immediate supervisor, but was basically told I was the one who was wrong. I've tried to remain patient, as flexible and open minded as my convictions will allow, and explore other options both within and without the church for this particular group. As I said before, in my frustration, I didn't handle things perfectly, and have tried to set things right, but continue to be viewed by this person as a "stubborn troublemaker" who is "out to further my own agenda". (Because I recently joined an external ministry related to the group I've led at the church)

But, in the last month or so, our senior pastor has started making statements from the pulpit about there being dissention in the church around some of the reorganization, and referring to those people who have asked about the seeming contradiction between the Sunday sermons and actions of staff as being unwilling to submit to Biblical authority and having a rebellious spirit. The assumption is being presented that no one on the church staff could possibly be in the wrong, and should be accepted without question.

I want to believe that this is all a huge misunderstanding, and that something somewhere along the line is preventing things from getting cleared up, and continuing the inaccurate message of what really happened from getting where it needs to go - that this person has commuicated a one-sided view of what happened rather than being objective, to the senior team, and that they are reacting out of that misinformation. But at the same time, I also have learned that just because someone works at a chuch, be they a pastor or an administrative person, that doesn't make them right or mean they have a "better" connection with God than anyone else. We're all human, and subject to the same limitations. But, all the more reason for people in any form of leadership to be careful - they're supposed to be setting an example for us to follow. It doesn't mean they can't make mistakes, but they should admit them and make things right rather than letting it snowball. Regardless of the intention, abusive things have happened.

[Florence]

" But at the same time, I also have learned that just because someone works at a chuch, be they a pastor or an administrative person, that doesn't make them right or mean they have a "better" connection with God than anyone else. We're all human, and subject to the same limitations. But, all the more reason for people in any form of leadership to be careful - they're supposed to be setting an example for us to follow. It doesn't mean they can't make mistakes, but they should admit them and make things right rather than letting it snowball. Regardless of the intention, abusive things have happened."

This has been the very thing that I have experienced in my church. The overriding philosophy is that the staff will be supported no matter what. I don't know exactly where this philosophy comes from on ministries built on "servant-hearted leadership" - I know the senior pastor of my church is constantly reading all the latest church growth and church leadership stuff and while authoritarianism is nothing new in the church, it took a back seat for several years and servant-hearted leadership moved to the forefront. Are there new books out there promoting this idea that the staff must be supported at all costs? Something by a prominent pastor/author like Bill Hybels? If it comes from Willow Creek, our church leadership follows it like the Bible.

Florence

[MommyKane]

A brief update - My husband and I have decided to risk talking to one of the pastors at my church that we trust - the pastor who married us. We plan to make clear up front that we are not asking him to do anything, to change anything, or to intervene in any way - simply that we find ourselves needing clarification of some things that have been said and done lately.

Evidently, the senior pastor spoke at the men's group the other night, and it sounds like he's staying very true to previous messages of grace, and that, as one of my favorite quotes of his goes, "The only way out is through". But, then again, I wasn't there, my husband was. Mainly what I hope to get out of this conversation with one of the pastors is, am I hearing things right, or are things I'm hearing from the pulpit being filtered through the hurtful, abusive messages and actions of this staff person I've been trying to deal with? It's amazing how one person can influence so much, but she reminds me of the pastor of that very abusive church I grew up in - very "My way or the highway" on all things. I don't want to throw away 12 years of relationship with my church if it is only the philosophy of one person, and those parts of me that can still get triggered by spiritual abuse are interpreting the messages incorrectly from the rest of the church, which until recently have been grace and life filled.

[Jerry]

Dear MommyKane,,,,,,
You are such a sweet lady,,,,,,,,,,Yes by all means continue to love ;) But never loose sight of the fact that "Love" and "Trust" are two very different things!!..I love my 5 year old grandson,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but "Trust Him" ????? :D Are you nuts????????? Hahahaha ,,,,NOT FOR 5 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!! :D
Love Jerry

[MommyKane]

I know what you mean! My youngest is 4! I never take anything for granted with him or his big brother! :D

We haven't reversed course on our decision to look at other churches, we just want to base that ultimate decision on truth, and not assumptions, and if I'm indeed filtering everything through the messages from this one person, then I want to clear that up - otherwise, no matter where I go, I'll be hearing things through that distorted voice. It took me a long time to get over the abuse from my "church of origin", and in many ways I'm still not, which is why this whole situation is so dificult to navigate. If we ultimately leave, I want to go with my concience clear and be able to claim the high-road. :rolleyes:

[lc 20]

Mommykane - Your testimony is very familiar to me. I went through a similar church change. I first started noticing the changes almost 5 years ago. Then I started reading books about spiritual abuse. As I read these books I started seeing abuse everywhere. Then the confusion set in. Maybe I was just seeing it because I was reading about it... years of confusion went by. I stopped reading about abuse and just kept my head in my bible. Like you, I was serving in an area in which I felt called. So, I didn't want to leave. But, as the years went by, my friends all left the church. Because of my concerns, I had pulled back emotionally and I was not making new friends in the church. I had also cut back on the amout of serving I was doing. I have recently left after 5 years of thinking about leaving and there is no pain because I took my time. There is nothing back there for me. I am just excited about starting over. I have no regrets for taking my time while I thought through this and prayed about this. I gave the situation plenty of time to turn around. There was an extreme amount of pain 5 years ago. But, I think, if I had left then I would probably had some regrets. It did me good to work through it slowly