Everything to gain, nothing to lose.....

[Cataract]

Hi I’m not really sure what to write here. I guess I would like to hear the opinions of people who have maybe been through things that relate to my experiences. I came here via a link on deliverance ministries. I’ve been looking for some time for articles etc. on this and found the links very helpful. I don’t go to church and I don’t really class myself as a christian anymore. I feel uncertain nowadays about what a christain is and isn’t. I think about god everyday but find anything beyond that a bit of a nightmare. I am unsure whether I have been in a cult/sect or have been spiritually abused, but I think that maybe I have. I grow up in the worldwide church of god, (which I know now was a cult when I grew up in it) left at 16 and not long after got involved with teachings/beliefs that my friends father told me about deliverance etc. To me it all made sense as I was depressed/suicidal at the time, I thought this was god. At 16 a minister from w.w.c.o.g ‘delivered’ me at this mans say that I was possessed ( when I came home directly after this I became a mess just crying and lying on my floor shaking, I had nightmares for years after). After that I got involved deeper with what he believed and told us, I moved to be where he and the other people who believed him were when I was 20, there was a group of us all around my age at the time. He performed another deliverance when I was 18, which I do not remember most of, he told me after he had to hold me down but I have no recollection of it. (Does this class as spiritual abuse?) I lived my life where they were for 3 years also at this time getting involved in a local charismatic church that he had recently started attending. I spent a lot of time with him and the group. He ended up getting kicked from the church and starting an affair with a woman kicked from another church. To this day I find it hard to believe he did that. I am now 27 and have been ‘home’ for 4 years this October. When I came home I felt as if I had no idea who I was anymore, sometimes I still like this. I have a good family but find it hard to relate to anyone, I always feel like I’m waiting for some kind of absolution for the whole thing. I walked away from god because I couldn’t take the mess my mind was in any longer. Since then I’ve turned to drink to try and gain some sort of escape from it all, which I know doesn’t work and is something I am working on to try and stop. I know I drink because of all this so I figure, sort this, sort the drink thing. I have also been part of an online christian community for about 2 and a half years, I find it hard though because they just don’t understand, I just want to feel like I’m not mad sometimes and that people understand what it is to feel this way I can’t just ’be thankful god bought me out of it read the bible and trust god.’ I know I should be over this by now, it just feels sometimes like the only thing between me now and me then is the passing of time, things are clearer but I still feel kinda lost. I did at one time consider myself a christian and made a commitment to christ. I think this was just prior to me moving closer to them all. I also was baptised by this guy and someone else whilst in the charismatic church. I hope its ok that I’ve posted so openly, sometimes its easier to put things when people have no knowledge of you I guess. Any replies/suggestions will be gratefully received.

:o

[Reg]

You poor dear one. :(

So glad you have found us. :) Yes, this is a place where you can begin to heal. :p

Your story is one of many similar ones I have heard over the years I've been here.
Yes, you were in a cult and yes they used coersive persuasion on you. You were lied to and deceived. I know. I was a member of the wcg for 29 years. I know what you went through. They manipulated and controlled our lives. They told us that we were the only true church. All others were deceived. We didn't know that we were the ones that were deceived. We believed that if we left the wcg we would lose our eternal salvation. That was a LIE!

Keep posting and telling us what you are going through. This is a safe place. Only post as you are able and feel confortable with.

[Jerry]

I walked away from god because I couldn’t take the mess my mind was in any longer. Since then I’ve turned to drink to try and gain some sort of escape from it all, which I know doesn’t work and is something I am working on to try and stop. I know I drink because of all this so I figure, sort this, sort the drink thing. :o

Dear Cataract,,,
I don't believe that you walked away from God,,,,,,because "God" is not the author of confusion.......Yes,you walked away from something,but God ????,,,,,I wonder ;)
As a former abusive "Drinker" I can tell you this ,,,,,,,,,,We drink because we "Want To",,,,,,,,:D not because of something someone did to us ;) I would drink if it was raining or sunny :D I was the proverbial "Social" drinker. If someone said ,,,, "I think I'll have a drink",,,,,,,I said,,,,," So shall I " :D Did I drink for escape ????,,,,,,,,,of course.....What was I escaping from????,,,,,,,,, Haven't a clue,,,,,it was never successful ;)
Love Jerry

[dougjb]

Hi Cataract,
Welcome broad and you are not alone. I think Jerry said it well, "You did not walk from God because God is not the author of confusion."
I would like to add to this and say that you may be walking away from a false representation of the Christian faith. The Chrarismatic church i attended when I first came to Christ was heavily involved in the deliverance thing. In their mind, there were demons in everything and there people attempting cast out demons from roseries, garabage cans [no joke], dogs, etc. In fact, everything had a demonic source. I began to wonder. What did Jesus actually accomplish if there are so many demonic problems with Christians. I knew the Bible said that He[Jesus] disarmed principalities and powers, so what is going on with the deliverance thing. I realized that the whole deliverance thing was a LIE. People were using Biblical language and Biblical categories but they were actually ministering something other than the Christian faith.
Cataract, based on what you have said and the parallels with my experience, you had been given a counterfeit Christianity and not the real thing. The truth is out there and the Lord is able and willing to give you the real thing.
Grace and peace to you

some food for thought
Dougjb

[Doug64]

Welcome Cataract:

Like Reg, I also spent years (40+) in the WCG. We left in 1999 in spite of a number of positive changes.

What has been a real eye-opener for me is how many others on this forum who were not members of our former church went through so many similar experiences.

The lost identity thing takes some time to disapate, but it will eventually. Our identity was so closely wrapped up in the church and it's activities that once out we are as I worded it at the time "a ship without a rudder."

We don't attend anywhere now although we have visited several churches. We do watch TV messages most Sundays. Today we are going to a memorial service at the former church for a long-time friend - after the church service.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Doug64

[outcast]

Welcome Cataract. :) You will be in good company here. We understand how you feel b/c many of us came out of similar situtions. I personally understand the irritation caused by the phrase you mentioned "be glad God brought you out of this, read your bible and just trust God." That's been said to me recently too. But not here.

I can also understand your issues w/alcohol. Although I've only had a bit since leaving my cultic church, I admitted to my hubby last night that liquor is something I cannot let myself have often and we can't keep it in the house all the time b/c I could become a drunk at this point if I let myself. I agree though that it doesn't help me escape the pain I am in.

*Hug* I hope you will like it here. Feel free to ask questions or to PM if you need anything. :)

[Janice]

welcome to the forum.

I've found I'm my own worst enemy.

I too feel I should be "over it by now."

But, God's timing is perfect and it is HIS plan for my life, not mine which is the one that will work out.

I just have to allow Him to do things His way.

[jane]

Welcome cataract-


Yeah, you found a great place and yes, it sounds like spiritual abuse to me.


Welcome....

I think you will find that a lot of us can relate........and we all help each other through the healing.

love,
jane

[butterfly]

:) Welcome Cataract,

I understand how you feel. It takes time to heal.

We just can"t get over it and go on like the christians tell us. I have been told that many times.

Well you won"t be told that here.:D

I think sometimes that when I accepted Christ I became whole.


Then the church broke me in zillions of pieces and now I have to put me back toghter again. Amoung those pieces is the real GOd and the God they used to abuse me.

I have to sort out the pieces. Keep the good throw away the bad.butterfly shirely

[Jo Jo]

Hi Cataract - yes I would say what you experienced would qualify as spiritual abuse. I'm so sorry you went through all that. :( I haven't been here at this forum for very long and I love it here. I have learned a lot and there are great people here. I hope you find this a good place to heal.

butterfly wrote:
Then the church broke me in zillions of pieces and now I have to put me back toghter again. Amoung those pieces is the real GOd and the God they used to abuse me.

Wow, butterfly, that is really profound. I would say that is exactly what happens. That is what spiritual abuse is and the path back to health. That's really great. :)

[Cataract]

Wow

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post, its quite overwhelming to read the responses, you've all been kind...and they have definetly given me food for thought.
Will continue to read and follow the forum and maybe post in the future. Thanks to all of you again, it means a lot.

:o

[Scooter]

Cataract,

Thank you for telling us about your experience. No matter how many times I hear of spiritual abuse, it's still shocking. I agree with what others have said - that you walked away from a false representation of Christianity, not from God, and that you did suffer spiritual abuse.

Some of the most hurtful times have been once I was out of my old church and people would brush off my experience because they didn't understand (as you said). I got the message that some people thought all I needed was to go to a "good" church to heal from everything.

You're not crazy or strange...there are many people trying to grapple with the effects of spiritual abuse, just as you are. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I know that God understands the results of what you've been through. He is infinitely patient and will not abandon you. I encourage you to keep researching and talking to someone...much support from a fellow "walking wounded."