I don't get it

[Hope 98]

I haven't been posting around here in a while. I haven't felt like I had much to say. And maybe now, I have some idea why.

About 3-4 years ago, I left a church that was authoritarian and most definitely abusive. It took me a while to make sense of all of it.

I've been attending one church since then - which I believe to be gracious. I don't HAVE to agree with everything they tell me (and I don't), and they are still a wonderfully loving group of people. I've even had enough freedom to work at a different church for most of the time I've been there. And if you remember me at all, this is all old news.

Now - the church that I've been working for is also a wonderful church. I especially like the pastor for his compassionate and gentle manner. He is not a perfect person and I don't blanketly agree with all his views either.

What has happened at my "work-church" is that a group in the congregation has pulled the spiritual abuse game on the Pastor and leadership of the church. It is so hard for me to understand! Knowing what a bad pastor can be like, I cannot figure out why anyone would find it necessary to bash this pastor, or the leadership teams. Sometimes I wonder if my perspective is skewed. Is there really some reason that this church has done something wrong that deserves this attack? I really don't see anything. :confused:

I especially appreciate the way the leaders of the church handled this behavior. They recognized it for the evil that it was, and refused to allow it to continue. The cost was high - financially and emotionally. But I truly believe that people sought God's will and followed it, even when it was hard.

Is there anyone here with the experience of this kind of spiritual abuse? Or can you at least identify?


Thanks for listening
Hope

[Florence]

Hello Hope,
Just wanted to say, "Yes, I can relate." I too work for a church that is not the church I belong to. I knew going into my "work church" that they'd had about 20 years of struggles - two consecutive pastors that had affairs, and a pastor who came in and tried to implement some changes that would better meet the needs of the younger generations (those under 40) but was seen more as a micr-manager, ultimately resulting in them losing their entire staff, as well as about 50 families - mostly parents with children.

This church historically had been dominated by lay-leadership that was 55 and up and, because of the pastoral problems before, those lay leaders (elders, deacons) had developed a distrust of pastoral leadership and a severly power-hungry mentality. Many of them come to church looking for things to complain about.

Over the past year that I have worked there, my observation is that these folks have several things in common. Most notably, they are fairly affluent people who are in the beginnings or are close to retirement or early retirement so they are going through a loss of influence in their professions. They seem to be grasping for a place to have influence - to matter - and the church has been the place that this particular age group has had that in the past.

It was three years before the denomination would even let them look for a new senior pastor. They had such a bad reputation by this time that very few pastors were even interested, but finally they found a man who feels called to help hurting and broken congregations to heal. He came from building a 1200 member church in another state.

He seemed to have their respect at first because he is a successful, well-educated, 55 year old. He is a very gentle, loving, caring man who has been very careful to gently lead - sometimes too gently in my opinion. But, he and all the staff are constantly battered by this group of "55-ers and up" who are so insistent that they have their say and their way in everything that happens in the church. They have no interest in the church reaching out to the lost or even in keeping what few young families have stuck it out and are still there.

While they are abusive to the staff (I personally have gotten many hateful phone calls and letters - one likening me to Hitler), I wouldn't call it spiritual abuse. It isn't the kind of abuse that makes us question whether or not we are "right with God" or any of that. In fact, I think being here has actually helped me to walk close to the Lord - and it has certainly helped me to heal from past, truly authentic spiritual abuse. But, I do believe it is abuse, none-the-less.

I think it's important to recognize when abuse is spiritual - wounding our relationship with God - and when it is abuse plain and simple. I also think it's important to differentiate between "bashing the pastor and leadership teams" and expressing legitimate concerns or asking hard questions. I happen to be the type of person who is not a "yes" man (woman, actually). And when I have a concern or a question, I am not afraid to express it or ask. This has gotten me labeled in my home church and I believe has led to some attempts at controlling me through spiritual abuse tactics - telling me that Jesus is unhappy with me, that I need to measure up, etc.

I would say that I have been experiencing this abuse for about seven years in my current church, but because it was so much better than the abusive church I had gone to before, I couldn't really see it for what it was and, frankly, I thought I deserved it (classic sign of one who has been abused). I have finally come to a place of enough healing that I can say "no" to the abuses that are tossed my way.

Well, this is way longer than I intended but I hope it is helpful. I hope that the pastor and leadership were very careful to discern the actual root of the problem and respond appropriately. I think too often a person who points out the problem becomes the problem and the pastor and leadership, rather than addressing the true issues in a respectful and servant-hearted manner, simply "handle the behavior." I hope this didn't happen in your situation.

Blessings,
Florence

[Hope 98]

Thank you Florence - you made some good points. You're right that this is less spiritually abusive than it is just plain mean and wrong. I also understand the way that people who point out the problem become the problem - that would be me :D

I believe with all my heart that any issue that is addressed as a problem is considered and dealt with as well as possible. The trouble is that one person in particular claimed to be there to "help" and simply dug up dirt, and sabotaged whatever was going on that was good. I can't tell you how many times they would offer to take care of something or help with something that they never did. And all of these things were thrown back in the pastor's face as if he deliberately set out to neglect and ignore these thing.

I guess it has me upset at the moment because this person set up our church website, and has changed it so that it accuses the pastor and leadership of things that are not true. He set it up so that he OWNS the website, has it password protected, and we can do nothing to change it. It should have belonged to the church from the beginning - but he claimed to be helping us and "donating" the space.

Well - now I'm running late for work.

I appreciate the time you put into your response. God help us both!! ;)

Hope

[Florence]

Wow! What a piece of work! I hope they kicked the bum out!
Florence

[Jerry]

Dear Hope98,,,,
First,,,,let me say ,,,I was not at my computer when you pinged and when I got back you were gone..............
Re.Your Post,,,,,,,,,,,,All of us wish to be shining stars in Gods sight....One will say,,,,"Father ,,,,look at me ,,you gave me the gift of teaching and look at all I taught,,,,,,,,,,,,Another will say,,,,,"Father look at me ,,,,,,,,,You gave me the gift of preaching!!!Look at the soules I won to Christ!!!!!!"and yet another says,,,,"Father You blessed my voice!!!!Look at all the hearts that were touched by my singing!!!!!!!"........All of these people have one thing in common,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,They never read Luke17 verses 7-10
Love Jerry

[Hope 98]

Dear Hope98,,,,
First,,,,let me say ,,,I was not at my computer when you pinged and when I got back you were gone..............
Re.Your Post,,,,,,,,,,,,All of us wish to be shining stars in Gods sight....One will say,,,,"Father ,,,,look at me ,,you gave me the gift of teaching and look at all I taught,,,,,,,,,,,,Another will say,,,,,"Father look at me ,,,,,,,,,You gave me the gift of preaching!!!Look at the soules I won to Christ!!!!!!"and yet another says,,,,"Father You blessed my voice!!!!Look at all the hearts that were touched by my singing!!!!!!!"........All of these people have one thing in common,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,They never read Luke17 verses 7-10
Love Jerry

No problem Jerry - I assumed that what you said was the case. I am rarely on MSN and I was surprised to see you there when I sent the message.

And you are right. (ain't ya always? :rolleyes: )

It is soooo weird to see. Everything that this person is accusing the pastor of - they are doing themselves, and the pastor - as far as I can see is not (except where the things are what should be done and aren't being done). Reminds me of the Pharisee and the tax collector - can you guess which one is which?

[Hope 98]

Wow! What a piece of work! I hope they kicked the bum out!
Florence

Funny thing there - they were removed from positions of leadership and ministry. They were told that they were welcome to continue if they would stop the hate mail & false accusations, but they refused.

Now they are claiming to have been kicked out and some folks can't figure out how a church could do such an awful thing!

What did Jesus do when he encountered this?

[Jerry]

Funny thing there - they were removed from positions of leadership and ministry. They were told that they were welcome to continue if they would stop the hate mail & false accusations, but they refused.

Now they are claiming to have been kicked out and some folks can't figure out how a church could do such an awful thing!

What did Jesus do when he encountered this?

He died on the cross,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,selah
Love Jerry