hornblower
07-18-2006, 10:35 AM
Im so distraught today. You guys know Im like ALONE all of the time. A friend called me last week. I had called her two weeks before that anmd left a messaage on her phone. So she calls me back acting hurried and asks me to have lunch with her so I said yes. So that happened to morrow. Then this other friend Ive written about her before too wrote a post card which my husband read out loud to me last night. (he gets the mail) I had been thinking about her so much wanting to hear from her missing our little letters we used to write to each other before our argument not really an argument. She is not the arguing type. I am!
Shes so sweetie pie. She tells me she loves me but shes never there for me never has been. In her mind she is in my mind shes not shes a wimp to be honest about it.
We used to go to that church together. I would get in these scrapes with the authorities and she would encourage me about any and all of it always on my side but then if one of them ever came up to her she was their best bud.........do you get my meaning here?
Heres the thing........I dont like the people that I know. I love them. Does that make sense? Something holds me to them that I dont understand, like my sister. I love her but man how much can one person hurt another one the way she did me?
She feels bad about not going to see my parents at all at ALL! Ever! My poor daddy in the hospital tied to a bed and she wouldnt go see him and people say to me.............well she just couldnt!
Well heck I DID! Like everyday! My mother in one hospital my dad in another one both of them with pnuemonia and Im the only person who cares about them???????
You see? Listen to all of this anger I have.
Now the tears are coming. Now we have to sell this house and give money to them, all of them when they didnt even so much as call my Mother. Send her a card on her birthday nothing!
Do you know what this silly friend of mine said to me when her Father died? She was furious with me because i didnt give her some money?
Now she was right down the road from my Mother funeral and she didnt come. It was on a holiday and she could have come she was having a problem with one eye but she could have come if she cared at all.
A few weeks later I get a card to the whole family.
No money?????????? Lol. Ive never heard of that? I didnt know what to say to her when she got angry at me for not giving her money.........
Now this latest thing is she is upset with me because i wont show her how to make jewelry any more. I said NO.
Why do I keep on with this?
Thge thing is I hate myself. I hate the way I post here. I hate my posts. I think Im like way out there loud mouth. Too scriptural whatever you want to call it. This morning its like she was putting it to me about not witnessing to people. Then she advised me that my inheritance will be taxed hugely.........if I dont spend it within a few days............????????
I think she is mad about how much Im getting which isnt much but still..........she is single and always saying to me......but you are married! I know it sounds like its all bad the truth is I cant tell who is that way because I always think its me.
One time way back we went on a trip together my car of course my reservation my everything. We split costs but she had to have me sleep elsewhere because I snored so I ended up on the couch.
On the way home I played some Bonnie Raitt for her........Im a huge blues fan. She started freaking out, saying I had to never play that music again with her in the car. I got mad and said hey this is my car! We stopped and she was literally shaking........she said it had sex on the music and she couldnt listen to it.
All of a sudden I realised that for me SHE was God.
I thought of her as being so much better than I am. Once again Im the bad kid. Like I always was in my family everything I did was wrong everything my sister and brother did was right.
It was like Jesus saying to me.........."are you going to listen to Me or them? Im the one who saved you and who made you, Im the one who says who you are not them and I say you are Righteous!"
I still cant accept it. Im reading Corrie Tem Booms book the Hiding Place right now and ofetn I think of the way she felt about her sister in those camps. Corrie was so human and her sister was like this angel from another world.
I dont know if my friend is like that or not but she puts on a good act. She always says I love you I bought you a birthday present I came to see you when you were in the hospital with cancer. To me...........those things are a given in a friendship. Who wouldnt do that if they were friends?
What I want is somebody who will be there through thick and thin. None of these people were ever there for me.
When I was sick she never came to see me but one time months after the initial diagnosis almost a year had passed. I was very sick at the time and couldnt get out of bed, my daughter didnt answer the door, so then she was mad at me.
You know to me she should have been there long before that, at least calling.
I dont know.
I dont want to be alone but then I really dont trust any of these people and it makes me not trust anybody at all.
I dont really believe my husband loves me. He never says so. He never kisses me. Never hugs me he only teases me. When I say something about it he just shrugs. But. He holds my hand as we fall asleep.
Is this love and relationships? Is it supposed to be this way and we just have tgo go on and forgive others for being the way they are and keep on being desperately lonely inside?
To me this is like a cult.
Im trapped. If I leave I have no one. If I stay I have to do it their way or the highway. Yet they keep holding on to me and wont let go?:mad:
I dont understand at all.
Help?
Is love always giving and never receiving?
Shes so sweetie pie. She tells me she loves me but shes never there for me never has been. In her mind she is in my mind shes not shes a wimp to be honest about it.
We used to go to that church together. I would get in these scrapes with the authorities and she would encourage me about any and all of it always on my side but then if one of them ever came up to her she was their best bud.........do you get my meaning here?
Heres the thing........I dont like the people that I know. I love them. Does that make sense? Something holds me to them that I dont understand, like my sister. I love her but man how much can one person hurt another one the way she did me?
She feels bad about not going to see my parents at all at ALL! Ever! My poor daddy in the hospital tied to a bed and she wouldnt go see him and people say to me.............well she just couldnt!
Well heck I DID! Like everyday! My mother in one hospital my dad in another one both of them with pnuemonia and Im the only person who cares about them???????
You see? Listen to all of this anger I have.
Now the tears are coming. Now we have to sell this house and give money to them, all of them when they didnt even so much as call my Mother. Send her a card on her birthday nothing!
Do you know what this silly friend of mine said to me when her Father died? She was furious with me because i didnt give her some money?
Now she was right down the road from my Mother funeral and she didnt come. It was on a holiday and she could have come she was having a problem with one eye but she could have come if she cared at all.
A few weeks later I get a card to the whole family.
No money?????????? Lol. Ive never heard of that? I didnt know what to say to her when she got angry at me for not giving her money.........
Now this latest thing is she is upset with me because i wont show her how to make jewelry any more. I said NO.
Why do I keep on with this?
Thge thing is I hate myself. I hate the way I post here. I hate my posts. I think Im like way out there loud mouth. Too scriptural whatever you want to call it. This morning its like she was putting it to me about not witnessing to people. Then she advised me that my inheritance will be taxed hugely.........if I dont spend it within a few days............????????
I think she is mad about how much Im getting which isnt much but still..........she is single and always saying to me......but you are married! I know it sounds like its all bad the truth is I cant tell who is that way because I always think its me.
One time way back we went on a trip together my car of course my reservation my everything. We split costs but she had to have me sleep elsewhere because I snored so I ended up on the couch.
On the way home I played some Bonnie Raitt for her........Im a huge blues fan. She started freaking out, saying I had to never play that music again with her in the car. I got mad and said hey this is my car! We stopped and she was literally shaking........she said it had sex on the music and she couldnt listen to it.
All of a sudden I realised that for me SHE was God.
I thought of her as being so much better than I am. Once again Im the bad kid. Like I always was in my family everything I did was wrong everything my sister and brother did was right.
It was like Jesus saying to me.........."are you going to listen to Me or them? Im the one who saved you and who made you, Im the one who says who you are not them and I say you are Righteous!"
I still cant accept it. Im reading Corrie Tem Booms book the Hiding Place right now and ofetn I think of the way she felt about her sister in those camps. Corrie was so human and her sister was like this angel from another world.
I dont know if my friend is like that or not but she puts on a good act. She always says I love you I bought you a birthday present I came to see you when you were in the hospital with cancer. To me...........those things are a given in a friendship. Who wouldnt do that if they were friends?
What I want is somebody who will be there through thick and thin. None of these people were ever there for me.
When I was sick she never came to see me but one time months after the initial diagnosis almost a year had passed. I was very sick at the time and couldnt get out of bed, my daughter didnt answer the door, so then she was mad at me.
You know to me she should have been there long before that, at least calling.
I dont know.
I dont want to be alone but then I really dont trust any of these people and it makes me not trust anybody at all.
I dont really believe my husband loves me. He never says so. He never kisses me. Never hugs me he only teases me. When I say something about it he just shrugs. But. He holds my hand as we fall asleep.
Is this love and relationships? Is it supposed to be this way and we just have tgo go on and forgive others for being the way they are and keep on being desperately lonely inside?
To me this is like a cult.
Im trapped. If I leave I have no one. If I stay I have to do it their way or the highway. Yet they keep holding on to me and wont let go?:mad:
I dont understand at all.
Help?
Is love always giving and never receiving?