Nobody Wants to be Reminded:

[hornblower]

of whats transpired here of late but.........Im having some problems.

Ive kind of been coming here with a spiritual abuse problem in the first place. What I mean is and I need help with this if I am to do anything at all about it and i dont know if I should.

Heres the thing. Ive been here before a long time ago when this place the SA place was just begining. Im having like flash backs of those days right now and last night, yesterday. It always takes me awhile to understand whats happening with me. Theo has told me that I should take care of this but I just cant seem to go ahead and do it.

Im scared of the forum, the main forum. Thats all I can say. Its a fear like trying to go back to church is. Its exactly the same and heres what is going on as best as i can 'thunk' it?

Im ashamed of my feelings about this. I know some people dont 'get' me ok? Im un'get'able. Thats ok if they dont each to their own but then I dont want to be around them either. If I cant talk to them then whats it about anyway?

I have a deep belief that some people just dont like me at all and unfortunately everything they might say or do from that time on wont make much difference because i can feel it, do you understand? I cannot stand anything like my high school experience in the past, it was just way too painful for me. I get paranoid thinking people are talking behind my back. Very!

So anyway here I am living somewhat of a lie here Im thinking. Because right next door I have been through this spiritual stuff. I say spiritual because well you tell me...........is it wrong to not go back? Let me make this clear nobody did one single thing to hurt me at all. That I can remember anyway. I know this sounds weird. I opened up like I do way too much Im sure like I always do no boundaries at all. Some people were ok with that some were not ........I think. My good friends except Theo or no longer here. I feel naked without them.

I dont want to start anything at all Im just asking............should I try to make amends even though its hurting right now and Im scared to peeodedoo and what if they all treat me the same way they always did?
Im just this way. Im not a click person. I HATE IT! Im not saying its wrong I just dont want to ever be that way. And heres another thing. Im so NEEDY!

That one thing alone can turn people off and thats ok too, really it is with me its fine I can dig it I have too I LIVE with it all the time.

But........Im not that way. It doesnt bother me if people are NEEDY! Since it would be like me, the pot, calling the kettle black, you understand?
Im embarassed too with what I did. I tired to commit suicide and Theo called the police i guess. I barely remember any of it since the drugs had me. I wasnt going to die I dont think but I just couldnt take one more day and the forum was the only place i had to ask for help.

So I know heres what I think people think of me. Im a user. My problems are more than they want to be around. Maybe they think I get high on drama.

I sincerely hope they are dead wrong but well I have always felt shunned there thats it now Ive said it and please be grown up about this dont go over there and say anything ok Im trying to work on this and get better at it. If this goes wrong ill leave here too.

You know? People say things..........you are hurting...........they arent right beside you.......you wait and wait to hear a kind word because that feels like rain to a thirsty ground, desert if you will.
It doesnt come. You hurt more.
You cant wait any longer.
You get angry and you have problems reading through the tears, so many people have hurt you with their harmful words before this that you think you are going to scream!
You cant take it any more you give up trying. Its not good. Its all you can do at the moment.
Sometimes the temptation to get the anger out is more than you can bear so you say and do things that you wish you wouldnt have done so you ask for forgiveness but then you have to pay and pay and pay so the hurting gets worse than before.

Now my friends there is the church family and families period!
Somethings got to change?

[butterfly]

:) [[[[[[[[ Hornblower]]]]]]]

I don"t think anything you wrote about you.

I am happy you feel free to share about yourself and your daughter. It means to me it is safe for you to do so.

I doN't repley to post yours or others to much because I don"t have the time.

You of all people know how caregiving can take out of you. I am a caregiver for my hubby who had a stroke. Five years and I am burned out.

I do read them and do pray for everyone.

I hope you can sort these feelings out.

If I have done anything to hurt you please tell me and we will work it out.
Hugs shirely

[hornblower]

:)
If I have done anything to hurt you please tell me and we will work it out.
Hugs shirely


Oh dear this is what Im talking about, everything gets screwed up when I post.

Not you or anyone here ok its the other forum I cant go too. The main one the nacr forum from years ago this hurt happened. Nothing they did exactly ok? Im scared to go back and talk to them about it. thats what this post is about. No I dont feel ignored here at all I am getting so much better knowing I have all of you here. really I know I am getting better.
But this other thing..........what should I do? Its like the church abuse I would never go back there. It feels like that anyway.

[aforchrist1]

of whats transpired here of late but.........Im having some problems.

Ive kind of been coming here with a spiritual abuse problem in the first place. What I mean is and I need help with this if I am to do anything at all about it and i dont know if I should.

Heres the thing. Ive been here before a long time ago when this place the SA place was just begining. Im having like flash backs of those days right now and last night, yesterday. It always takes me awhile to understand whats happening with me. Theo has told me that I should take care of this but I just cant seem to go ahead and do it.

Im scared of the forum, the main forum. Thats all I can say. Its a fear like trying to go back to church is. Its exactly the same and heres what is going on as best as i can 'thunk' it?

Im ashamed of my feelings about this. I know some people dont 'get' me ok? Im un'get'able. Thats ok if they dont each to their own but then I dont want to be around them either. If I cant talk to them then whats it about anyway?

I have a deep belief that some people just dont like me at all and unfortunately everything they might say or do from that time on wont make much difference because i can feel it, do you understand? I cannot stand anything like my high school experience in the past, it was just way too painful for me. I get paranoid thinking people are talking behind my back. Very!

So anyway here I am living somewhat of a lie here Im thinking. Because right next door I have been through this spiritual stuff. I say spiritual because well you tell me...........is it wrong to not go back? Let me make this clear nobody did one single thing to hurt me at all. That I can remember anyway. I know this sounds weird. I opened up like I do way too much Im sure like I always do no boundaries at all. Some people were ok with that some were not ........I think. My good friends except Theo or no longer here. I feel naked without them.

I dont want to start anything at all Im just asking............should I try to make amends even though its hurting right now and Im scared to peeodedoo and what if they all treat me the same way they always did?
Im just this way. Im not a click person. I HATE IT! Im not saying its wrong I just dont want to ever be that way. And heres another thing. Im so NEEDY!

That one thing alone can turn people off and thats ok too, really it is with me its fine I can dig it I have too I LIVE with it all the time.

But........Im not that way. It doesnt bother me if people are NEEDY! Since it would be like me, the pot, calling the kettle black, you understand?
Im embarassed too with what I did. I tired to commit suicide and Theo called the police i guess. I barely remember any of it since the drugs had me. I wasnt going to die I dont think but I just couldnt take one more day and the forum was the only place i had to ask for help.

So I know heres what I think people think of me. Im a user. My problems are more than they want to be around. Maybe they think I get high on drama.

I sincerely hope they are dead wrong but well I have always felt shunned there thats it now Ive said it and please be grown up about this dont go over there and say anything ok Im trying to work on this and get better at it. If this goes wrong ill leave here too.

You know? People say things..........you are hurting...........they arent right beside you.......you wait and wait to hear a kind word because that feels like rain to a thirsty ground, desert if you will.
It doesnt come. You hurt more.
You cant wait any longer.
You get angry and you have problems reading through the tears, so many people have hurt you with their harmful words before this that you think you are going to scream!
You cant take it any more you give up trying. Its not good. Its all you can do at the moment.
Sometimes the temptation to get the anger out is more than you can bear so you say and do things that you wish you wouldnt have done so you ask for forgiveness but then you have to pay and pay and pay so the hurting gets worse than before.

Now my friends there is the church family and families period!
Somethings got to change?

Dear Hornblower;

I believe I understand how you must fell and would love to chat with you about your issues one at a time.

But as you must of noticed by now it would be hard to communicate with so much anger going around about handeling it God's way through human contact.

However if you feel you can handel a hand reaching out let me know. I strongly believe our self immage can be restored through honest people that's been there. :)

Aforchrist1

[hornblower]

But as you must of noticed by now it would be hard to communicate with so much anger going around about handeling it God's way through human contact.


Aforchrist1
Do you mean for me to contact you privately?

[Willow]

Hi hornblower.
I truly enjoy the times we converse. You have a lot of great insight into things. Especially throughout this grieving process. I've gotten some very valuable advice from you. Writing and having your writing be read by others and commented on is quite healing to me. Sharing deeply can feel so vulnerable. I do that too... share too deeply and then run away fast. It's scarey.... really scarey.

Anyway... I sure hope you feel better soon. I don't know what to tell you about the other forum. I imagine you will be received with open arms from what I've noticed over there in the posts.

HUGS
Amy

[hornblower]

Thankyou willow. Im scared of course but maybe I should do it. If I get hurt though and its so easy to do. I dont blame them you know what I mean?Everybody has their own stuff. I know they are all sweet people I do know that. I dont know I think this post was stupid of me. I dont think I can do it right now. Oh Lord. Back and forth I think its better to drop the whole thing, pretend I didnt do any of this Ive got to get busy, Im loosing my day. Thanks again.

[aforchrist1]

Do you mean for me to contact you privately?

Dear Hornblower;

I have no secrets or religious tactics so it really doesn't matter to me where we discuss issues, My only concern is that those that have been hurt might start lasing bach and hurt our already wonded spirit.

But if your ready I'll leave our talks to your discreasion where you have been here longer and know the ropes.

Aforchrist1

[hornblower]

Dear Hornblower;

I have no secrets or religious tactics so it really doesn't matter to me where we discuss issues, My only concern is that those that have been hurt might start lasing bach and hurt our already wonded spirit.

But if your ready I'll leave our talks to your discreasion where you have been here longer and know the ropes.

Aforchrist1


I just cant go back there I know it now Im dealing with way too much right now I think. Packing up all of my Moms things all of this junk really you know we were never rich any of us so now Im holding on and for what?

Holding on for dear life all of this stuff packing it all up to go where????????????? Its all painful. My sister the way she did me and yet I love her I always have loved her but she a spoiled little brat. When you are a spoiled little bratt you never know you are one. I ought to know Im sure im one too!

Its a few people there and they are good people but Ill never believe that they love me or want me there no matter what they would say or do. Im suffering my own shame really.
The shame if feel for being myself. Talking way too much and my beyond horrible life.
What can anyone say? I just hate it when Im shut out or I FEEL shut out thats how I felt! It was years ago and much too much was made of it. They were all arguing like they did here. Thats all I remember.

I had a friend then from Canada. She was sort of mesmerising in a way but I knew in my heart she was trouble for all of us. I loved her. I dont remember what happened but in the end the talk I guess was that somehow i was offended and left.
Its not true. I had nothing against anyone ever!
I left because of the shame I felt of trying to commit suicide and my friends had left anyway. I dont know why they left I dont know what was happening at the time i couldnt keep up just like yesterday i couldnt keep up with all of you here either. I didnt know what to do or to say to anyone so I just stayed in my own little cage.
Now Im crying.
and i dont want you to feel sorry for me. I think thats what they think of me that I always want people to feel sorry for me. Yes I do want compassion when i need it but Im doing fine here. This isnt Irag! Now those are problems there. I dont have problems just stuff you know what Im saying?
My daughter that I love and cant do a thing about. Thats always going to hurt me bad too.

They are just more healed than I am thats all there is to it.
Nobody can stand me.
I HATE Packing this junk up! I dont want to move and i do want to move. Oh dear God make it happen so quickly for all of us when this house comes up for sale and please find a perfect healing place for us to be at.

Im leaving my Mom and there are so many feelings with this thing here.
I was dealing with all of this when I tried to off myself that day. Somewhere inside I knew all of this was coming and going to happen to me. The death of my whole family. Now there is nothing left but for me and my husband to die too.
Gee im so looking forward to that one!

You know I know its not God but I wish He could change things for me. Im so mad about it all.
If I wrote this there Ill bet they would go..........yawn.......more of her now. Maybe not openly but secretly they would wish I would be gone and so I stay gone just like these churches Im gone.

[Carmen]

Hi (((Hornblower))),

I've been kind of scarce, the computer broke down recently, lost a month getting a new one, went to counseling, to physical therapy for my neck, shoulders and diaphragm, have to go out more with the kids in the warm weather - keeps me from being a recluse, pale, sick and all that. I have started posts to you (and others), just to have Hubby come home at the wrong moment and I had to get off the computer quick without sending or even saving them. He hates it when I'm on the computer, though I told him I NEED it. Vacation is coming soon and I won't be able to use the computer for some three-odd weeks (like a punishment).

I admit I don't always understand you, but I do understand that you have needs just as I do. I'm NEEDY and LONELY too. I guess this forum is good for venting, discussing lighter issues and getting light advice, exchanging helpful information. We are all learning here, and comforting sometimes, doing a bit of light teaching, if it can be called that. Just being here, reading a bit, writing a bit is comforting to me, because I know that everyone here has suffered. We are brothers in our suffering. Some have been users too, so you are not alone. I think that this forum is very good for what it offers, a source of help to the spiritually abused that is multi-faceted. It can't be THE source though, that place is occupied by our source, Jesus Christ.

I hope that that bit of Jesus that is in me can support you in some way, but I am not him. Even though we need others, we need him even more. The greater part of your comfort and healing, I think, will come from him, directly into your heart when you present your needs to him. That is where spiritual battles really take place though often it seems like they come from outside. My needs drive me closer to Jesus, I think that is why we have them. Ideally we should help each other get closer to him, despite our own needs, or maybe because of them. But as we all have experienced, dealing with other imperfect people can be really nasty sometimes. I hope that I have not been that to you. Keep posting, dearie, and I'll answer when I can. It wouldn't be the same without you.

Love,

Carmen

[Doug64]

Hi Hornblower:

It occurred to me reading through this thread, that maybe the reason you feel sorta ignored there is because that isn't a forum for spiritual abuse. If that was the focus of your posts, some might have felt inadequate to post or posted very superficial comments. Just a thought.

Doug

[hornblower]

just to have Hubby come home at the wrong moment and I had to get off the computer quick without sending or even saving them. He hates it when I'm on the computer, though I told him I NEED it. Vacation is coming soon and I won't be able to use the computer for some three-odd weeks (like a punishment).


I can sure relate to you going through this. I just dont get it. My husband has a fit if I sew! ???????? But he lets me get on here in fact hes always said he bought this thing forME????????? duh! ......... but then when I do hes always like what are you doing?????????? when he wakes up from the tv of course. Lol It gets better the longer you are married and discuss how you feel etc. Really it does I promise.

Ideally we should help each other get closer to him, despite our own needs, or maybe because of them. But as we all have experienced, dealing with other imperfect people can be really nasty sometimes. I hope that I have not been that to you. Keep posting, dearie, and I'll answer when I can. It wouldn't be the same without you.

Carmen its not this place at all its the other forum, its not you at all believe me ok? But you are right! I know that its just that when I have a fear Ive always thought its better to face that fear you see?

So I did post over there and now Im terrified because i always feel like i do nothing but cause trouble everywhere i go.

You know I absolutely agree with doug on this. You see nobody was on the spiritual abuse forum way back then hardly anyone it was brand new so I had no where to go with all of thios pain from this church I got hurt in. Unl;ess youve experienced it full force the way we have i dont think you can understand it.

[hornblower]

Hi Hornblower:

It occurred to me reading through this thread, that maybe the reason you feel sorta ignored there is because that isn't a forum for spiritual abuse. If that was the focus of your posts, some might have felt inadequate to post or posted very superficial comments. Just a thought.

Doug


I think you are right on my brother!!!!!!!!!!!! No Spiritual Abuse Forum really it was just starting and I was hurting so bad from what that woman did to me I cannot tell you how bad it went down! I dont think they really got me you know? Even though I know Amber goes through things all of the time its different for her I think because she is in the ministry she sees the other side of things. Listen I know thats bad too believe me I know. Most of my good friends back in the day (before SA) were ministers. Talk about hurt? They had their forums though everywhere i went people were helping them at that time.

[hornblower]

ok its all done now and I feel so much better. They dont hate me after all! This is all so silly isnt it? Im glad I posted there now Im not so afraid any more of the place so silly really is this stuff grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Willow]

I'm sooooo glad you did it!!! YAYYYYY for hornblower! Blow your horn!!!

[butterfly]

Oh dear this is what Im talking about, everything gets screwed up when I post.

Not you or anyone here ok its the other forum I cant go too. The main one the nacr forum from years ago this hurt happened. Nothing they did exactly ok? Im scared to go back and talk to them about it. thats what this post is about. No I dont feel ignored here at all I am getting so much better knowing I have all of you here. really I know I am getting better.
But this other thing..........what should I do? Its like the church abuse I would never go back there. It feels like that anyway.

I was thinking you were having a bad day.

I wanted to let you know I care.:)

I did look over my post to you Hornblower and I didn"t like how I wrote" You of all people should Know about caregiving " Well something like that.

Anyways I ment to say "I get tired cargiving and I know you can understand how it is cause you caregived to you parants."

It seems I can never get done what I want to some days.

My brain goes off the track sometimes.

It is very hard to take the step you took today. I am glad everything is fine.

I like Willows post:D :D hugs shirley

[hornblower]

I'm sooooo glad you did it!!! YAYYYYY for hornblower! Blow your horn!!!

Thanks Willow it does feel good especially since it turned out good. Yeah YAYYYYY! Iv'e always wondered how you spell that. Lol:rolleyes:

[hornblower]

I was thinking you were having a bad day.

I wanted to let you know I care.:)

I did look over my post to you Hornblower and I didn"t like how I wrote" You of all people should Know about caregiving " Well something like that.

Anyways I ment to say "I get tired cargiving and I know you can understand how it is cause you caregived to you parants."

It seems I can never get done what I want to some days.

My brain goes off the track sometimes.

It is very hard to take the step you took today. I am glad everything is fine.

I like Willows post:D :D hugs shirley


I liked your post butterfly and I so completely understand how you feel. Bless your heart............someday it will all pass. Then another thing will take its place. Life is so hard, so very hard for some of us isnt it. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I am so afraid of it happening to me or my husband with me. Or something happening with my daughter.

I miss my mom and my dad but honest to goodness when she went I felt like a ton went off of me. I was in so much pain from helping her and just the desease you know? Ive never understood why I couldnt handle it better?

I just wanted to sleep for a thousand years and cry a million tons. Its been a year now and Im beginning to see some light. I dont get out much but thats coming I think. I am hoping God gives me some good years yet. If He doesnt thats ok. Ill be with Him soon now.

My brain is so shot and my husbands too we have been through so much stress its just done us in completely.

I havent gotten anything done for years. Not like I used too. Wish I would paint again. I am trying to not be hard on myself for it any more. Let go of it Butterfly dont be hard on yourself either. I know its easier to say than do.

Yeah good day today getting over that fear I had and I got three boxes packed of my Moms things and they are out in the garage. I didnt cook and thats bad but my husband didnt seem to mind we just ate left overs. I hate to cook most days. What do you do about that? I mean I love to cook but I am so tired most of the time.
Good night butterfly and I love you lots of gentle hugs..............:)

[Carmen]

You know I absolutely agree with doug on this. You see nobody was on the spiritual abuse forum way back then hardly anyone it was brand new so I had no where to go with all of thios pain from this church I got hurt in. Unl;ess youve experienced it full force the way we have i dont think you can understand it.

Yes, I agree, I think Doug is right, too. And though my experience with SA was either short and intense or drawn-out into years of deception the most recent experience was so intense that I was thinking of suicide. Rationality was out the window and I was at the mercy of my emotions - that was intense. But that was just me, I did not have to watch others that I love suffer in such a situation as well. I see that the suffering could be multiplied in such a situation.

Dearie, you're not trouble, you're not even heavy. If you remember the story about one brother that carried his sibling for miles and someone asking him if the younger wasn't heavy, he said, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." :)

It depicts our willingness to carry one another's burdens. Just telling others is already sharing the burden, making it a bit lighter on yourself. That seems to be what we are doing here.
Info to the quote here: http://bullets-and-beer.com/Oftquote.htm#BROTHER
I had always wondered where it came from.

[butterfly]

Hornblower,

How about starting with a small picture to paint.

I am a stick person thats all I can draw.

Give me paper and a pen I will paint you a picture in words.

I always wanted to write a book.

Childrens books with the main person with a disablity or mental disablity.

So children can learn about people who are handicapp.

butterfly

[hornblower]

Hornblower,

How about starting with a small picture to paint.

I am a stick person thats all I can draw.

Give me paper and a pen I will paint you a picture in words.

I always wanted to write a book.

Childrens books with the main person with a disablity or mental disablity.

So children can learn about people who are handicapp.

butterfly

what a good idea to write a childrens book on that. Ive always wanted to write a chioldrens book too or at least illustrate one. Nothin wrong with sticks............thats how I started out.


Its been my experience that children arent the ones that need to learn its adults that need to fess up and get with the picture at least thats been my experience. Children may stare or say something inapropriate (they dont mean anything though)but they accept my daughter completely in no time at all.

Still parents read childrens books teachers especially and most of them, the teachers could use a good swift kick in the behind where disabilities go.

What is your experience And what would you write about it Im interested. If you write one can I illustrate it for you? I would love to help. Ive heard its easy to do this. Maybe we can find a publisher.

[hornblower]

Yes, I agree, I think Doug is right, too. And though my experience with SA was either short and intense or drawn-out into years of deception the most recent experience was so intense that I was thinking of suicide. Rationality was out the window and I was at the mercy of my emotions - that was intense. But that was just me, I did not have to watch others that I love suffer in such a situation as well. I see that the suffering could be multiplied in such a situation.

Dearie, you're not trouble, you're not even heavy. If you remember the story about one brother that carried his sibling for miles and someone asking him if the younger wasn't heavy, he said, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." :)

It depicts our willingness to carry one another's burdens. Just telling others is already sharing the burden, making it a bit lighter on yourself. That seems to be what we are doing here.
Info to the quote here: http://bullets-and-beer.com/Oftquote.htm#BROTHER
I had always wondered where it came from.

I love you Carmen you are wonderful!