Thank you

[Bea]

I nearly cried reading all your replies, because just a few days ago I had been searching on the net for this kind of forum and couldn't find anything, and I thought maybe there is nobody like me except the others that were in my 'church'. and I just felt so alone. I tried counselling here but feel like my counsellor does not know how to deal with me as she has not dealt with anyone with the same kind of problem, so I'm not going to go any more. But I have been taking SSRIs and they have been un-expectedly helpful (I tried different brands before and they didn't work). This stuff has happened to me since I can remember until 2 months ago when we moved here (my friend who I told and myself), I am 19 now and don't undertand why I have been feeling worse now than I felt when it was happening.
Zacchaeus I know what you mean about finding your own beliefs - I have spent the last three years developing an ever-evolving philosophical theory which I have only recently decided must be christian. I don't call God "God" either, because God has always meant something different to me than what it is meant to mean. So I have a different name for him/her.

thank you all so much again for your kind replies,

Bea

[MCM (Mary)]

You are welcome, Bea. You are right about others not understanding unless they've been through it.

One website that has helped me is patience press. Don't know if it's .org or .com. Their background is Post traumatic stress disorder from a war situation. The cause was different, but the symptoms and processes are very similar. There they explain that a lot of the reactions we see in ourselves are adoptive reactions, that were helpful at first. In time these adaptations can hurt us if we don't process the hurt. They say that talking it out helps. Time is helping me, and being away from the situation.

I discipline myself to stay away from cruel, mean, hateful people. This includes some people I once thought friends. Even if they are not doing anything against you outwardly, they are channels through which evil is poured out into the world. Hatred from one person to another weakens the soul, brings discouragement and despair. People who are loving, on the other hand, have a strengthening effect on others. Hatred is like chemical warfare. It isn't just an attitude. It's a poison. The best way to protect yourself is to avoid the contamination.

Anyway, you have found some people here who understand and who care. Mary