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[hornblower]

my daughter came here while we were gone and once again.................this makes about five or six times now she has moved a bed out of our house strapped it to her car and now we have this house all in disaray.
We are supposed to be putting it up for sale?
Now one bedroom is no longer a bedroom because of her.
She changes clothes, food, furnture, as fast as you can blink.
She runs us ragged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I trusted her again and this is what I get another let down and more heartache to come home too.
Let me tell you insanity is the worst illness there is.
Im not talking about my stupid depression and my mpd and my other junk whatever it all is.
Im talking real down and dirty schizophrenia the kind that is out there on the streets holding signs asking for food and everybody loves to say they arent really poor.
Let me guarantee you YOU cannot imagine this stuff and what its like!
It all makes me crazy just thinking about it.
If my kid was on drugs then I could blame drugs and that would be HELL I know it would because I know people dealing with that and its hell!!!!!!!!!!!
But this?
There is nobody helping people like my daughter nowhere.
You know what my husband and I we could have had a good marriage if it werent for this. It is destroying us both. He cant talk and because of his upbringing his own experience he is constantly taking care of her. He is cooking for her right now as I write after what she has done here.
He was madder than I was this time. Now he is cooking for her and watching golf to keep his mind off of it.
We can barely make it and she is taking what little money we have and squandering it.
NOBODY and I do mean NOBODY can control; her at all! Ive seen her completely control everybody in a whole half way house..........I dont know what you would have called it...........her money was all gone afterwards we have no idea where?

So right now.....................where is my GOD???????????
I do love my sweet God. He is who He says He is right?
So heres the thing why is this this way then?????????? Is it me? Is this something I have done? Why if God healed all of those other people in the bible cant He heal my daughter?
You know what?
Ive never spoken about this I dont think Ive ever said this right out loud.
If he healed the womans daughter and rose her from the dead and healed the indsane guy out in the filed that the people from the town put him out there why cant He heal my daughter???????????????
Am I now good enough?
Am I supposed to be learning something here?
How long am I supposed to learn it?
Shes up there in my tub running more and more water............I havent had a bath for two days and was looking forward to one..........
All I can think right now is that if I love God then why am I like this right now? He has been letting me down for what now? 30 years..............?
I should have known it was going to be bad after how bad I was. I was an awful bad person. I let people beat me and use me and I just yelled and put my Mother through hell. I let men do what ever they wanted because what else could I do anyway?????????
I know I should kiss the ground right now I was so awful so they say.
I have this d-- a-- old woman that llives across the street from us. She said to me when she found out I had been married twice before that I was very lucky to get a husband like mine.
Would somebody please just give me a break????????????????
Why isnt he lucky to get me?
He has two kids from his first marriage?
I guess im just a loser.............look at my daughter and the way she is.........you know darn well its ALWAYS the mothers fault everything is the mothers fault!

[Janice]

(((((((((((((((((Hornblower))))))))

Our God IS a faithful God and He still DOES heal, and He still IS faithful.

But it's His plan for our lives, not ours, and His timing is perfect, not ours.

I think if He answered everyone of my prayers, when & where and how I think He should, then what reason would I have to trust Him?

Hang in there!

Will be praying for you.

[Willow]

(((((((((Hornblower))))))))))))))

It's not your fault... no no never! Is your daughter on medication? They say schizophrenia is very treatable with medication. I can't even begin to speak about your situation. I have nothing similar to pull from in my personal experience. I once had a friend who was schizophrenic. If she didn't take her medication she was a holy terror to be around.

Life isn't fair. It really isn't. Let's hope it's better in the sweet by and by coz the nasty here and now ain't much fun sometimes.

[Illuminated]

Why if God healed all of those other people in the bible cant He heal my daughter? You know what? Ive never spoken about this I dont think Ive ever said this right out loud. If he healed the womans daughter and rose her from the dead and healed the indsane guy out in the filed that the people from the town put him out there why cant He heal my daughter???????????????
Hornblower, I think you are expressing one of the most painful emotions - abandonment - by crying out to God the way you are so eloquently.

One of the mysteries of our faith is why does He heal some, and not others? I dunno. I dunno. But I do know it His decision to heal or not to heal has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. It's up to Him, and Him alone.

In the meantime: FFFFAAAATTTTHHHHEEEERRRR!!!! JJJJJJEEEEEESSSSSUUUUUSSSSS!!!!!
You are welcome here. You are welcome in HB's life. You are welcome in her family. We bless your name, Lord. There is no one else like you. You are marvelous. You are omnipotent. You are beautiful beyond description.

Father, we pray that your Holy Spirit will come right now and bring His peace into HB's household. We pray that your Holy Spirit will bring health and healing into the life of her daughter. Kingdom of God COME in her life. Will of God be DONE in her life.

We thank you Lord, and we bless your name. Thank you for hearing our cries to you. We seek your face. We want to know you more.
Amen.

[Jerry]

Dear Hornblower,,,,
I can't offer much but I can tell ya what I believe about this.Over the centuries since Christ,God has truly blessed the Christian Nations.Military Power,Robust Economies,,,,and finally,unbelieveable Technology.We will learn more in the next 5 years,than has been learned in our entire recorded history. If it wasn't for one major problem,there is help out there for your daughter.That problem is "Greed".Half the people in this wonderful country of ours need some kind of help,,,,,,,,,,,,and the other half don't want to pay for it ;) .......So ,I believe God has answered your prayers for your daughter and Society and Government have dropped the ball.I would pose a question in closing; Christ raised many from the dead during His ministry,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Where are they now ?????
Love Jerry

[hornblower]

she is still here mattressess on top of her car and bright hot pink shorts with a blue flowered bikini top????????????? Spots all over the floors so Ill have to wash them when she leaves. A bed unmade that she slept in uninvited. We told her to leave I dont know how many times. I say things to her that even my Mother would never have said to me but Im sure she did feel that way about me. I guess in some way its good that she is not like I was.
Shes not married or is there any chance for that. I hate that for her that she will never know the love of another person. Not even any girl friends and that KILLS me! Ive never been without that except for now anyway. Please bear with me here..........
I never get to talk to anybody about her.
This is what that church did to me? Why? What did I do wrong? If it was anybody else what do they do? How can they exist? Parents with this problem how can they go on? All I know is that I CANT!
Yes Jerry I know that its the government. Its not really the government, its people.
More later ok?

[hornblower]

shes still here washing clothes now and walking her/my dog. Mine wouldnt go with her. Her dog is really my dog poor thing. Her hair is bright yellow now its so badly damaged because she keeps having ti done over and over again and now its ruined. The people at her job are tired of her and so they wont give her work to do so loss of more money. She hasnt paid her rent yet so I guess well have too.
Something all of the time!
This place that she is renting from is for people like her that cannot afford housing. Her rent is cheap but you should see the place too. Ive lived in worse and Ive lived in much better too. Her electricity is what is getting us? over 500.00????????????????? whats going on there???????? Its more than her rent is and its split up between five people.
My back is burning so bad Im so sorry I cant be much for anyone right now. Im so alone.
My husband isnt speaking to me of course this is the way it gets when she does this which is all of the time.
Well have a nice normal day a normal ONE! then she comes and its all over. The money the food the peace the clean its all gone and out lives are upside down again.

Im sorry I got mad at God.
I wish I could do faith the way they say to do it. I wish I was better. Im not good at all though.
If its not my fault then why is everything always at these certain ages????????
This was my first thought when the attack happened to her.
WHY? WHat did I do? Why isnt He making it go away?
My own daddy was never there for me never. I thought he was the bravest man but then I found out the truth.
He was a chicken hearted a---- ho-----
I hate him right now and im not sorry either!
One time I went to play golf with him in Kansas where my Mother lives and we came up on a rattle snake all coiled up. I said Daddy what is that?
He jumped about fifteen feet straight back from it!
Did he take me with him when he jumped?
NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooo

story of my life that a---- h-----

then I took care of him the rest of his life.
you know the truth is I just wanted to believe in them.
I wanted to believe they were good but they werent neitrher one of them

[Reg]

Dear Dear ((((((Hornblower,)))))))

No brilliant words of consolation here. Just to let you know, this too will pass. In our crazy times, there are no answers that make sense. Just hang in there and keep posting. A lot of us are here for you. We all have suffered some terrible stuff also.

As a team leader and small group leader at Celebrate Recovery in our church for two years, I have heard a lot of terrible, impossible stories. I have also witnessed some remarkable stuff happen and things turn around for the better.

God is not deaf or blind. He knows what's going on. We just have to trust in His timing to turn things around.

[hornblower]

How long reg?
Im sixty one now. I dont feel I have any life left in me. Maybe abraham was older but things have changed. Remember that song by Bob Dillon. I so relate to him always have when he says I used to care...........but things have changed.
My daughter had this awful thing happen to her when she was only just turned six and then time went on..............that pastors thinking Ill say his name even I dont care hes gone anyway now. Bro Paul oh yes bro paul why is it these people are supposed to be brothers?
brothers to whom?
he was just like my own brother thats for sure sold me out for a few cents Im sure. just like my real brother.
im sorry Im so mad right now I just cant seem to quit it.
my stupid brother that never did one thing for me except make fun of me and there he is supossedly in heaven right now. I put myself on so many crosses for him and my own parents. I dont know why I did but I did.
I keep doing it over and over again but now Im getting more like my mother mean hearted ane evil.
I know god loves me he died for me but Ive never understood why?
why me?
why do I have anything to do with heaven and all of its things and stuff?

I was fixing to twell you what happened god gives me visions or he used to anyway lots of them but nobody understood them or me. I did. its right there in the bible what do these people believe in and why anyway?
Its right there this stuff rtight there in plain sight all of it.
Im not anything new????????????
Im sorry I cant type you see? I could never learn I dont know why?
Takes too long to fix all of this so Im not going too this time.
I had this vision a few days after the attack on her happened. Nobody from that lame church would call us or nothing. The police were telling me how evil these people were being to us and he went to this church and he was trying to tell me. I just wouldnt believe anything.
I kept thinking what do they know anyway God has a plan in this?
God wilol save us out of this somehow. Then I would get alone with God and yell at Him and He was so sweet to me more than anything you can imagine he told me things Ive never bene able to get anyone to understand like he asked me to forgive him for making this earth this way with evil people in it that would hurt my little blond headed little girl. she was so very sweet and had so much laughter to her and so pretty just the mosty angelic looking creature thats why that guy did this to her because she was so pretty.

NOT ANY MORE!
Thats ok with me because if she was dating any of these no good slobs and one of them hurt her I would kill him with my bare hands.
I had her killer right there inside that elevator with me and I didnt kill him. WHY??????????/
Because Im no good thats why?
Because im not one bit betyter than my lousy father was to me
I should have killed him. Nothing has happened to him nothing!!!!!!!!!!! hes off scott free for what he did to her and then he murdered another person and that porr mother I wish I could meet her he muredered her little girl!
You think that pastor cared what Ive been through?????????? no he hid it all!
Like they all do.
I was sitting on my couch and I had one of these open air cvisions where i saw something carried out of the back door and buried in a grave in the back yard
then that sob called ourt house and told my husband just that.
This whole thing he said is to be carried out into the back yard and buried.





WHAT the heck does that mean?????????????????????/
My little girtl is buried alive??????????????????
Im buried alive????????????/
Thats mnurdering b is not buried I can tell you hes stiull kicking around no telling what hes doing???????????????/////
where he is/
my best so called friend told me the night it happened and ZI couldnt sleep she made me forgive that worm that devil she made mme she said you know what God wants you to do I prayed foir that louse can u imagine that? Im must be out of my mind praying for him forgiving a murderer????????????/

[Scooter]

Dear, hurting, precious hornblower,

I'm so so sorry you're going through such a hard time. It sounds like you're heart is torn and your trust is broken. It seems like there's so much hurt and anger and confusion. I'm sorry that such difficult things are happening, or have happened.

I saw you write some things like, "Because Im no good thats why?" You aren't worthless! You are very valuable, and I'm here to let you know that I love you. No, I've never met you, but my heart goes out to you. I love you no matter what you do or say. If you're angry at God and wrestling with why He's allowing this to happen and shouting in despair at Him...He won't condemn you.

Do you need a big hug? ((((((((((((((((((((hornblower)))))))))))))))))))) ))))

[hornblower]

thankyou so much scooter. yes I need a thousand hugs. feeling a little better i always get so sick when she comes and does all of this stuff its not her fault I know its me. It just hurts o bad and I do blame myself for not doing the right things I wish I was a better person and not so dependent on people. Its awful! I should grown up and I feel like a little girl a lot of the time. My husband looses it with her too but still when I let loose its so awful and I did and I still am so its getting better right now because I have started crying and I called my husband and he told me he loves me but a lot of the time I dont feel like he does love me at all.
there so many hurts in my past from bad men. very very bad men. There are a lot of them down here in texas there really are. not you jerry at least I sure hope you arent that way but these awful deranged whatever they are. you know what they say about women that always attract that sort of men.
thankyou scooter. I love that book the significance book I should get that back out and study it agaiun.

[Reg]

How long reg?

I'd love to be able to tell you, but of course, I'm not God. :o

Im sixty one now. I dont feel I have any life left in me.

I'm 60 and don't feel that way. I know, the body ages :( but the mind is eternal. We are only old when we feel old. Try not to let your mind age. ;)

snip
I can see you are in a real turmoil right now. I pray God will give you His peace that transcends all understanding. Remember the storm when the apostles where afraid and Jesus calmed the waters? I pray He will do the same for the storms in your life now/today.

Hang in there.

[peanut]

Ditto,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,Holding you in my prayers Hornblower!


Hugs,
Peanut

[aftermath]

I'm really glad your here hornblower :( I feel sad too. But I'm also grateful to feel emotions. They'll carry you through. Like God. We're floating on a leaf in the wind. ;)

[hornblower]

I think she is finally leaving. Its so awful all of her stuff and the way she lives. Its so hard for me to accpet that my own sweet daughter the little girl with long blond hair looks and acts this way now. She calls people and practically begs them for a job its so awful!
God is ashamed of all of us that treat these poor people with no respect!

I know its hard and I fail over and over again but honestly I pray that the angels in heaven will take notice and come and bless every person that blesses my daughter and people like her.

[aftermath]

i feel the same way hornblower. you know, i was nearly homeless with paranoid schitzophrenia. i was getting beat up left and right. i know now it was the enemy. the bible says the devil only kills, steals, and destroys. It's good to accept your daughter though, even in this sort of state, because God does, and Jesus loves her just as much as anyone else. Protect yourself though. Jesus loves you too.

do i sound really cliched?? im trying not to..., :confused:

[hornblower]

Thankyou aftermath and others for praying responding and anything else just basically caring for me and my daughter and my hubby too I know he is hurting a lot more than he can ever let on.
So Ive been praying and praying for an answer to my problem with my daughter. The whole incident made me sick.

Fibromyalgia kicks in and my others go raging who knows why I do what I do?????????nobody but Jesus.

All I know is Ive got to somehow get over all of this somehow????????
This morning I turned on Joyce Meyer.........I do somehow trust Joyce Meyer. I know she doesnt know it all but at least shes been through some stuff and says so!!!!!!!
That means a lot to me.

Anyway this morning the message was on forgiveness and how its like carrying around a potatoe. Youve got to carry it everywhere you go. It gets rotten and stinky but youve still got to carry it. How thats like unforgiveness. Likie not ever wanting to see that other person, not ever wanting to go to certain place where that person might be because they hurt you.
Hmmmmmmmmmm

Then she went into how she thought she didnt have an unforgiveness problem and then God said to her oh yeah YOU DO!
It was her son she had it with.
She was basically ashamed of him.

He didnt pray enough he was bored with church stuff and showed it. He never read his bible. She went on to say how you sure cannot force Jesus on anyone. God showed her how this was getting to her pride.

What she realised is that he was just like her.
She asked him to forgive her...........I do this too often with my kids I think but Im definitely game to do it again but................what needs to happen is I need to get over it and change.

I called my daughter and I told her some of what God has been showing me.
Im not really sure what the rest of it is.
I felt like God was telling me Im not forgiving myself..........she talked about that too.
Here is part of the problem.......I feel like a failure. Why? I felt like I could be doing more be like famous or do something great and its not going to happen.

I got this problem from childhood and especially highschool. My brother was always the top of everything in school and at home too. I know he ended up having a big problem with feeling like a failure.

Both of us always felt like my Dad wanted this famous thing or rather some kind of a vague huge thing that we should be good at................only thing was nobody could ever be that good really, not in his eyes. My Dad had a failure thing himself and that was the transfer. My brother was a genius but he dropped out. It was like yeah we needed to make it big but then we also had to be so morally sound......
Guess what?????????

That wont happen! How many really moral people do you know make it big time. Dont say OPRAH..........or Kennedy cause thats wrong and you know it. Ok maybe Mother Theresa...........maybe Gandhi? Maybe but maybe not too. Ill bet they would be the first ones to tell you that they are not really sainted at all.

In any case most of the time the way to the top isnt a pretty road anyway. Lots of cheating going on there. My point is............its pointless. What was I looking for? My Dad to be proud of me. Yeah I think that was it. Except he would never really feel that way because he did love his kids as much as I love mine and what he really wanted was for his parents to be proud of him. Or is it God we want to be proud of us?


Is God proud of me?
I dont feel like He is.
All I know is .................Im definitely NOT proud of myself and I havent got a clue as to how to get there.
What I am doing is taking this out on my daughter because when she hurts and doesnt make it good...............its all brought up inside of me again.......

Im a failure!

And this church thing makes it big time in my book. I cant even go to a church and make out right. What kind of a nut is that? What kind of a person gets things said to them like I have had said to me?

This silly friend of mine said to me...........this really hurts too.........."how come people say things like that to you in church......?????? Nobody has ever said that to me in churches?" she says.....................

Now that smarts me big time. I dont have an answer for it. Maybe its because shes a ditz anyway?
That always feels better than looking at myself for the one thousandth time.

To be really honest heres the sad confession............I think I was trying to be somebody..........I know better so I wasnt trying to be somebody....................but then they wanted me to be somebody............because at first they thought they had a little star............oh yeah its true and I know it is.
I saw through their little scheme and wouldnt let them make me one.

Just like I did when I was in highschool.
You know why?
Because I know better. I know its wrong to be that way. You are supposed to be helping people less fortunate than yourselves, my father ingrained that stuff into us...............but at the same time he wanted us to be somebody.

My point is here I was in that church and those women were just like that. Like a silly drill team and a cheerleader squad......................what was I doing there?????????????????? I dont believe in that BS!

My others and if you dont know what that means I have a milder form of MPD. Just like Ninas does. I understand everything ninas says to me or anyone. She is more honest than I am because she tells you. Now me I hide the entire thing even though I know the little critters are in there. I ignore them until I explode on my poor daughter.

So now you know how really screwed up I am as if??????????????
Lol.
Anyway point is I dont take care of my self or my little critters when stuff starts happening. It ends up hurting everyone.
I need to see myself for who I am.............not who I want to be.

[Scooter]

[/QUOTE] Here is part of the problem.......I feel like a failure. Why? I felt like I could be doing more be like famous or do something great and its not going to happen.

Both of us always felt like my Dad wanted this famous thing or rather some kind of a vague huge thing that we should be good at................only thing was nobody could ever be that good really, not in his eyes. My Dad had a failure thing himself and that was the transfer. My brother was a genius but he dropped out. It was like yeah we needed to make it big but then we also had to be so morally sound......

Guess what?????????

Or is it God we want to be proud of us?

Is God proud of me?

I dont feel like He is.

All I know is .................Im definitely NOT proud of myself and I havent got a clue as to how to get there.

Im a failure!

And this church thing makes it big time in my book. I cant even go to a church and make out right. What kind of a nut is that? What kind of a person gets things said to them like I have had said to me?

I need to see myself for who I am.............not who I want to be.[/QUOTE]


WARNING: This may be triggering.

You asked if God is proud of you. You despair over thinking you're a failure. In our human state, on our own, we aren't perfect. But because we accept God's gift of grace through Jesus, we are as pleasing and acceptable to God as his own son. No matter what we achieve or don't achieve. No matter what we do or don't do. No matter who we are or should be or think we should be. No matter what people say to us. No matter what our spiritual abuse. No matter what our health issues.

Bottom line: Because of that, God is proud of you no matter what! Who are you? You're a success. You're perfectly acceptable to God. He will gently teach you who you are and how that will impact your life.

By the way, I'm still figuring that out for myself. Big, big (((((((hornblower)))))))!