I dont understand this:

[hornblower]

Im as far down as Ive ever been. I just cannot understand it. My therapist told me when I went to him (over a year ago it was so expensive)that antidepressants dont help moods.
Duh??????????
Why would I take them then?
Im not on anything so ????? I am struggling to just make it through this day. It feels like Im already dead.
My one so called friend told me she thinks I need support...........I dont want to call her but I dont know I dont want to bother anybody about this. If I call her she will just tell me I need a church. Church it seems to me has only hurt me. Except for that one time. Nothing has ever helped me for very long. The older I get the worse it gets. I really just wish my life would be over so I wouldnt put my family through this. I dont ever want to do anything to make them ashamed and suicide would definitely do it Im sure.
Whats wrong with me????????????????????

[Janice]

There's not a thing wrong with you hornblower.

There are several mood stablizers. Fish oil is one but I'm sure there are more.

If you don't mind me asking, do you think menopause could be an issue?

Will be praying.

[Illuminated]

Whats wrong with me???????????????????? I feel almost exactly the same.

I know we are not supposed to offer medical advice here, but the ONLY thing that has helped me claw myself out of the mirey clay has been medicine. I believe that the Lord gave us doctors and researchers and medicine for us to use. I tried one kind of medicine at first, and it didn't work. Then the doctor prescribed another, and it worked. Hallelujah!

I know going to a doctor is hard for you. Where I am there is a free crisis mental health clinic. You have to wait a while to see someone, but you do get to see a professional. Maybe you should try again to see a doctor, not just a counselor.

I would write more but I hafta go now....

Love ya!

[tke316]

My family is very grateful to my doctor for perscribing my medication. The mental state it help me get under control was RAGE.:mad: Let's here it for re-uptake inhibitors!
Hurrah!:D

[hornblower]

over the years I have tried several antidepressants the last of which was the generic of prosac cant remember the name of it right now but anyway it helped me not kill myself but thats it thats as good as it gets. Im not taking anything now and its about the same except with that stuff I was numb. Now Im sort of numb but more pain than the numbness. The doctor I have right now is a go getter. Shes not the type to listen if you know what I mean. When I went to her I told her I needed desperately to loose weight and begin to get healthy........her answer was weight watchers...........on and on she went. I can dig it but how could I go to a meeting when I cant even go to work out or get out of here at all. My councelor didnt prescribe medicine for me. He was just making a statement about an antidepressant.
Really Illustrated are you really like this too?
I vacumned at least thats something? Washed our clothes and folded them walked the dog. Ate a big bowl of popcorn and the rest of the ice cream...............I could kill myself over that it makes me so mad at myself!
IM HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aftermath]

hey Hornblower. I just thought I'd mention something in case it would be of any use to you. I don't know anything about your counselor, but I've seen different ones for the past 8 years and only now am I seeing a christian counselor. I am grateful to have found her cuz I've received the most understanding and compassion from her then I have from anyone. Umm, so I know changing everything and getting better isn't just about the right counselor. But I just wanted to mention that in case it is an option for you. I wish someone were there to help you more. Maybe your friend, who you are afraid of bothering, would really like to be able to help you. It would be worth a try. She might be willing to help you find more help and support. Sometimes I find it hard getting out of the house too, so I rely on helpers for that. I think of it as an extension from God, as to not feel guilty. God bless, I will pray that he looks out for you this week and provides you an area of opportunity for healing and blessing.

[exmember]

I'm wondering too if your hormones could be the problem. Find a dr. that will run hormone blood panels. Some are unwilling to do those tests because hormones change on a daily basis...which is true, but there is a range of normal for every day of a woman's cycle and that's what they should be looking for. I'm speaking form a bit of experience here.....Stress effects hormones, hormones react to stress so it becomes a big vicious cycle until all levels of all hormones are stable and in normal ranges...this includes estrogens, progesterones, AND testosterones.

[Reg]

Hornblower,

I don't mean to make light of this. I learned not to feel guilty about doing stuff I really enjoy, like playing golf, and having a couple of drinks with a good cigar. I only started smoking them last summer. Quit smoking cigarettes over 30 years ago. Still can't stand them. Cigars are different. I enjoy having one with my buddy/s at the club.

I tended to be too serious a lot of the times. I have learned to lighten up and just do stuff I like and NOT feel guilty.

[Jerry]

IM HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me too Sweetie (310),,,,,,,,,,,,,,:D ,,,,,,,,,,,we ain't fat wes just "Fluffly" ;)
Love Jerry

[hornblower]

thanks you guys. Im leaving for the lake in a little bit taking care of my grandson which sort of scares me because Im so awfully down.
Ill try to log on while we are there but sometimes its so hard because its a lap top and everything is so different when Im using that thing plus it takes forver to log on if at all???????
It could definitely be hormnones but theres nothing I can do about that one because of the breast cancer its extrememly sensitive to estrogen so my doctor wont even let me take any type of so called herbal stuff for that. When I had my check up recently I dont know how my medical md can tell this but she said no way have I got any estrogen in me(???????).
So yeah for sure it could be that.
heres the thing Ive been thinking...........so you all tell me what you think.
I was remembering the other day why it was that I began to throw really bad temper tantrums when I was little.

very triggering careful!
I remembered my Mom never saying boo to me and my Dad telling me he couldnt be my Dad any more because I fopught with My Mom so much and he just couldnt take it any more. He was right he didnt do much of anything with me right after that and for years and years really he felt that same way. It was like I was a little girl and he loved me, I began to get big and he ignored me completely. Telling me not to sit on his lap any more. My Mom all she did was work never said anything but gripe at me.
I realised though that when I was six all of these things happened to me..........I was sexually abused by a stranger and my parents hid it all, pretended it did not happen, treated me like I was a weird person after that. I almost died that year in the hospital from pnuemonia, the little girl next to me did die, this was also hidden, but I knew. My Mother was pregnant with my little sister. When my sister was born I lost my place in the family completely. I was seven when she was born. I was absent from school so much when I was six that I still cannot tell time very fast because thats when we learned that but soimebody forgot to teach me and I missed it entirely. I didnt know how to tell time until I was out of highschool.

Now the reason I have been realising this is because of the church abuse. Im stuck on what that pastors wife said to me about my daughter. Ive been realising its not just what she said its the entire thing. I cant get over it!!!!!!!!! Its like Im stuck!
She was attacked when she was six years old.

The pressure of never having anyone talk to me when I was growing up. the pressure of keeping secrets. The pressure to not say anything just work and shut up my Mothers whole life was exactly that. As I later found out she was raped when she was little. Im the only one she ever told this too. I was fifty when she told me.
Thats what made me scream. Scream and scream and scream. So its not just what happened to me its all of it.
When that pastors wife saids that to me it was so darn evil! She said "everyone is so tired of you talking about your raped daughter!"

Mothers Day and the grief about both of my parents............meeting every wednesday with my sister who wouldnt even call us when I was taking care of them...........I feel like screaming forever and ever!

Oh God please just help me?

[hornblower]

please just pray for me and I do wish I could stop rethinking every single thing I do................... I wish I could just enjoy without feeling so guilty. My husband unwittingly sets this up with me

my fault I know but I cant seem to get over it.

He even makes remarks about every bite I put in my mouth.
Dont get me wrong hes a great guy but well I married my Mother!
I dont know who he married???????????????:D

[Jerry]

(((((((((((((hornblower))))))))))))))

[Scooter]

hornblower...

It sounds like you're feeling so dejected and pained. Intense emotions just pile on top of each other until there's one big ball of hurt and anger and injustice and self-hatred. I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time.

I won't pretend that anything I experienced makes me able to say, "I know what you're going through." However, you're not alone or crazy for having the feelings you do. Wanting to commit suicide, hating myself and my body, and battling depression - all things I have also endured. There's hope. You're a courageous person each moment you keep going, and if your hope is dampened by the sadness, that's what we're here for. We'll carry the hope for you.

A counselor once asked me, "What do you believe about God wanting to help you with this (depression/body image problems)?" I asked him how I could make God part of the solution when He - and church in general - seemed to be such a big part of the problem. Sorting all that out (not that I'm at that point) takes time and gentle, loving support from others. Hopefully, you find this as gentle, loving support.

[Willow]

(((((((hornblower))))))))

You seem to have a pretty good grip on the pattern that is happening. Awareness means you can begin new patterns. Long, hard, slow process... painful. I wish it was easier. I wish you had supportive people around you. We're here for you. Write as often as you need here... until it's all out. It takes as long as it takes. No one can tell you when you should quit processing stuff.

Remember to be gentle with yourself.

Amy