Reg
05-19-2006, 12:04 PM
I used this when I was involved with the leadership of CR in our church.
I'm not sure but I think I posted this awhile back. I also believe that there was a person who was offended by it. The purpose is not to direct this to anyone here. It is something a lot of us struggle with. When I first read it, it helped a lot to understand what I was going through and why I thought/felt the way I did. I hope that it will do the same for all of you here also.
Symptoms Of An Inability To Become An Adult
Everyone who has ever lived (except Adam & Eve) have encountered the problem of being born
a little person in a big person’s world and being given the task of becoming a big person over
time. We are all born children under adult authority, and over time we are expected to become
adults ourselves and to take charge of our lives. This task, as my friend observed, is not easy.
Some of us never accomplish it. We try to live adulthood from the one-down child position.
Following are signs of this inability to achieve adulthood.
Inordinate Needs for Approval
People who struggle with taking charge of their lives often cannot function independently of the
approval of others. They constantly strive to gain the approval of some “significant other”
whether it be their boss, their spouse, their friend, their pastor, or coworker. Approval becomes
problematic when people don’t feel good about themselves or the work until someone tells them
that the work is good. They wait until the “authority” figure pronounces it good, their entire self-
image changes. The other’s opinion carries far too much weight and has taken on the role of
judge and jury, or parent, for the person.
Fear of Disapproval
Fear of disapproval goes along with the need for approval. Often people are inordinately anxious
whenever an authority figure is around. Their anxiety interferes with their ability to do the job
well. Every time their work is evaluated, their fear is activated, or they have fear of being
evaluated.
Guilt
Guilt always has as a component the loss of parental approval. Therefore, wherever one struggles
with guilt, one feels “under” the parental voice. Guilt keeps the focus off the consequences. An
adult conscience lives life according to real consequences, not guilt. PEOPLE IN THE CHILD POSITION FEEL MORE GUILT THAN CONSEQUENCES.
Fear of Failure
People still under their parent’s domain fear failure because they fear the disapproval of the rule-
bound conscience. (Gal 4:3 - Col 2:20) The internally feel that their actions will be judged and
disapproved. In biblical terms, they haven’t been released from the supervision of the law. (Gal
3:25)
“You Can’t Do That” Syndrome
Authority-bound people tend to stifle creativity. Someone may come up with a new way of doing
something, and the authority-bound person will say, “You can’t do that” or “It’ll never work”
They appear to have prison bars around anything creative or new. They are pessimistic about
trying new things, preferring the “tried and true”.
They over identify with their limiting and punitive parent, always giving restrictions and rules.
They haven’t thrown off their parents’ restrictions and found their own. They are like robots who
do whatever their parents say, even at age forty.
Feelings of Inferiority
The word inferior comes from a word that means “low” or “below”. It is easy to see, then, how
people who have been put down or held down by authority figures feel inferior. They tend to
think that someone else is always better in some way, or always is a model for them. They never
feel equal.
Loss of Power
Those who have not become an adult either repeatedly give away power in relationships or feel
that they are losing power. On the one hand, these people do not see a good relationship as one
in which two people mutually submit to one another’s preferences in love; instead, they give all
power to the other person and then obey this person like a parent. Being “in charge” is like a hot
potato that needs to be passed on as quickly as possible.
On the other hand, these people lose power to controlling and domineering people. They think
what their pastor thinks. They buy the Bible version their spiritual leader has. They go where
their friend tells them to go. To a ridiculous extent, they give the adult functions of life over to
controlling people. Half the problem is that too many people are willing to play God in other
people’s lives.
Many spiritual leaders think that their job is to parent such “children” and keep them in check
instead of lead them into maturity under the lordship of Christ. In a Christian world many people
do not think for themselves. They do not question teaching or doctrine; it is “right” because “so
and so” says it is. If that person is a big-name leader, then it must be right.
No Equal Differences
People who live in a one-up and one-down world rarely consider differences acceptable. If
someone believes or thinks something different, that someone is “wrong” There is no such thing
as a difference of opinion or “agreeing to disagree.”
These people also tend to treat differences in taste as being right or wrong. If their friends buy a
certain car or move their kids to a certain school, they begin questioning themselves, “Do I have
the right car?” or “Should I move my kids as well?” People who haven’t grown up experience
difference as a threat; if two people are doing two different things, someone must be doing the
wrong thing. These people always ask, “Which is the better of the two?” instead of, “You like
that one, and I like this one.” The latter is the way two adults experience their differences.
These pharisaical minds have such a stringent list of what is “right doctrine” that they miss the
real doctrine of “Love your neighbour as yourself.” They are so concerned with determining how
others are “wrong” that they can’t love them. The Pharisees did this over and over again; they
saw others as “less than” them, and therefore bad.
Black and White Thinking
People who can only see the world as black and white, right of wrong, are stuck in a pre-adult
way of thinking. They are thinking like an eleven-year-old. They are unable to think in terms of
gray; there are no tough moral dilemmas. Everything is simple. “If the rule says it, do it.”
Jesus repeatedly ran into this sort of thinking with the Pharisees, and he tried to lead them past
this rigidity to an adult positions of love. They were so preoccupied with the rules and right and
wrong that they could not get to wisdom, truth, and love.
People who get stuck here adhere to rules that have an “appearance of wisdom” (Col 2:23), but
are worthless to bring about maturity. Rigorously obeying man-made rules instead of showing
God-made love will always cause problems. This is why the adolescent passage of “breaking the
rules” is so important.
Judgementalism
Judgmental people fuse with the parental, legal position and look down on everyone else. They
no only resist identifying with the acing-out adolescent inside, they judge it. “But the Pharisees
and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you
eat and drink with tax collectors and “sinners”? Jesus answered them, ‘It is not the healthy who
need a doctor, but the sick. I have come not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance’”
(luke 5:30-32)
Judgmental people don’t identify themselves as sinners; therefore, they aren’t forgiven and can’t
become loving. Instead they deny the “sinner within” and act like they are perfect and “above”
sin. (Matt. 23:27-29)
Superiority
Superiority is the opposite of inferiority. Some people always find a way to see themselves as
better than everyone else. It can look like narcissism, or idealism, but it is really one-upmanship.
Parenting Others
Some people who have never grown up think they know what others “should” do. They are
unable to realize their own limited knowledge of a person’s situation, as well as the person’s
responsibility of ability to deal with his or her own problems.
You can spot parenting people by their overuse of the term”you should.” Much of what they say
to others has a parenting sound; others speak of feeling “crummy”, or “guilty”, or “convicted”
after being with them. But the conviction is the type that makes people feel like prisoners instead
of being the true conviction of God, which is tender and graceful.
Dependency
Some people actively avoid taking responsibility for themselves and find someone to parent
them. They give executive power of their life to someone to parent them. People who always
need someone else to make decisions for them and to do things for them lack self-respect and
usually are angry and resentful of the “parent” figures who are keeping them from growing up.
Idealization of Authority
The perception that someone in authority is perfect presupposes a one-down position, because
people who have identified with authority realize that authority figures are just like them, with
warts and all. Idealized authority figures are not expected to have weaknesses and faults as well
as strengths, even though the Scriptures tell us they will.
Excerpts from “Changes That Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud
I'm not sure but I think I posted this awhile back. I also believe that there was a person who was offended by it. The purpose is not to direct this to anyone here. It is something a lot of us struggle with. When I first read it, it helped a lot to understand what I was going through and why I thought/felt the way I did. I hope that it will do the same for all of you here also.
Symptoms Of An Inability To Become An Adult
Everyone who has ever lived (except Adam & Eve) have encountered the problem of being born
a little person in a big person’s world and being given the task of becoming a big person over
time. We are all born children under adult authority, and over time we are expected to become
adults ourselves and to take charge of our lives. This task, as my friend observed, is not easy.
Some of us never accomplish it. We try to live adulthood from the one-down child position.
Following are signs of this inability to achieve adulthood.
Inordinate Needs for Approval
People who struggle with taking charge of their lives often cannot function independently of the
approval of others. They constantly strive to gain the approval of some “significant other”
whether it be their boss, their spouse, their friend, their pastor, or coworker. Approval becomes
problematic when people don’t feel good about themselves or the work until someone tells them
that the work is good. They wait until the “authority” figure pronounces it good, their entire self-
image changes. The other’s opinion carries far too much weight and has taken on the role of
judge and jury, or parent, for the person.
Fear of Disapproval
Fear of disapproval goes along with the need for approval. Often people are inordinately anxious
whenever an authority figure is around. Their anxiety interferes with their ability to do the job
well. Every time their work is evaluated, their fear is activated, or they have fear of being
evaluated.
Guilt
Guilt always has as a component the loss of parental approval. Therefore, wherever one struggles
with guilt, one feels “under” the parental voice. Guilt keeps the focus off the consequences. An
adult conscience lives life according to real consequences, not guilt. PEOPLE IN THE CHILD POSITION FEEL MORE GUILT THAN CONSEQUENCES.
Fear of Failure
People still under their parent’s domain fear failure because they fear the disapproval of the rule-
bound conscience. (Gal 4:3 - Col 2:20) The internally feel that their actions will be judged and
disapproved. In biblical terms, they haven’t been released from the supervision of the law. (Gal
3:25)
“You Can’t Do That” Syndrome
Authority-bound people tend to stifle creativity. Someone may come up with a new way of doing
something, and the authority-bound person will say, “You can’t do that” or “It’ll never work”
They appear to have prison bars around anything creative or new. They are pessimistic about
trying new things, preferring the “tried and true”.
They over identify with their limiting and punitive parent, always giving restrictions and rules.
They haven’t thrown off their parents’ restrictions and found their own. They are like robots who
do whatever their parents say, even at age forty.
Feelings of Inferiority
The word inferior comes from a word that means “low” or “below”. It is easy to see, then, how
people who have been put down or held down by authority figures feel inferior. They tend to
think that someone else is always better in some way, or always is a model for them. They never
feel equal.
Loss of Power
Those who have not become an adult either repeatedly give away power in relationships or feel
that they are losing power. On the one hand, these people do not see a good relationship as one
in which two people mutually submit to one another’s preferences in love; instead, they give all
power to the other person and then obey this person like a parent. Being “in charge” is like a hot
potato that needs to be passed on as quickly as possible.
On the other hand, these people lose power to controlling and domineering people. They think
what their pastor thinks. They buy the Bible version their spiritual leader has. They go where
their friend tells them to go. To a ridiculous extent, they give the adult functions of life over to
controlling people. Half the problem is that too many people are willing to play God in other
people’s lives.
Many spiritual leaders think that their job is to parent such “children” and keep them in check
instead of lead them into maturity under the lordship of Christ. In a Christian world many people
do not think for themselves. They do not question teaching or doctrine; it is “right” because “so
and so” says it is. If that person is a big-name leader, then it must be right.
No Equal Differences
People who live in a one-up and one-down world rarely consider differences acceptable. If
someone believes or thinks something different, that someone is “wrong” There is no such thing
as a difference of opinion or “agreeing to disagree.”
These people also tend to treat differences in taste as being right or wrong. If their friends buy a
certain car or move their kids to a certain school, they begin questioning themselves, “Do I have
the right car?” or “Should I move my kids as well?” People who haven’t grown up experience
difference as a threat; if two people are doing two different things, someone must be doing the
wrong thing. These people always ask, “Which is the better of the two?” instead of, “You like
that one, and I like this one.” The latter is the way two adults experience their differences.
These pharisaical minds have such a stringent list of what is “right doctrine” that they miss the
real doctrine of “Love your neighbour as yourself.” They are so concerned with determining how
others are “wrong” that they can’t love them. The Pharisees did this over and over again; they
saw others as “less than” them, and therefore bad.
Black and White Thinking
People who can only see the world as black and white, right of wrong, are stuck in a pre-adult
way of thinking. They are thinking like an eleven-year-old. They are unable to think in terms of
gray; there are no tough moral dilemmas. Everything is simple. “If the rule says it, do it.”
Jesus repeatedly ran into this sort of thinking with the Pharisees, and he tried to lead them past
this rigidity to an adult positions of love. They were so preoccupied with the rules and right and
wrong that they could not get to wisdom, truth, and love.
People who get stuck here adhere to rules that have an “appearance of wisdom” (Col 2:23), but
are worthless to bring about maturity. Rigorously obeying man-made rules instead of showing
God-made love will always cause problems. This is why the adolescent passage of “breaking the
rules” is so important.
Judgementalism
Judgmental people fuse with the parental, legal position and look down on everyone else. They
no only resist identifying with the acing-out adolescent inside, they judge it. “But the Pharisees
and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you
eat and drink with tax collectors and “sinners”? Jesus answered them, ‘It is not the healthy who
need a doctor, but the sick. I have come not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance’”
(luke 5:30-32)
Judgmental people don’t identify themselves as sinners; therefore, they aren’t forgiven and can’t
become loving. Instead they deny the “sinner within” and act like they are perfect and “above”
sin. (Matt. 23:27-29)
Superiority
Superiority is the opposite of inferiority. Some people always find a way to see themselves as
better than everyone else. It can look like narcissism, or idealism, but it is really one-upmanship.
Parenting Others
Some people who have never grown up think they know what others “should” do. They are
unable to realize their own limited knowledge of a person’s situation, as well as the person’s
responsibility of ability to deal with his or her own problems.
You can spot parenting people by their overuse of the term”you should.” Much of what they say
to others has a parenting sound; others speak of feeling “crummy”, or “guilty”, or “convicted”
after being with them. But the conviction is the type that makes people feel like prisoners instead
of being the true conviction of God, which is tender and graceful.
Dependency
Some people actively avoid taking responsibility for themselves and find someone to parent
them. They give executive power of their life to someone to parent them. People who always
need someone else to make decisions for them and to do things for them lack self-respect and
usually are angry and resentful of the “parent” figures who are keeping them from growing up.
Idealization of Authority
The perception that someone in authority is perfect presupposes a one-down position, because
people who have identified with authority realize that authority figures are just like them, with
warts and all. Idealized authority figures are not expected to have weaknesses and faults as well
as strengths, even though the Scriptures tell us they will.
Excerpts from “Changes That Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud