asking for prayer, found a biblical counselor

[Carmen]

Lots of life changes going on...stress...

I had been looking for a counselor for quite some time, partly because of the SA and partly because of the tension in the family that the SA made worse. Hubby doesn't know I found a biblical counselor, I will check him out first - alone. Hubby hasn't made any efforts to find a psych at all although I insisted that we need to go together. He would probably be more hesitant about one that follows the bible as a guideline.

Finally found a biblical counselor in downtown, will take me about an hour to get to the other side of the city if I'm lucky and then I still have to find a parking spot - needle in a haystack. I could take public transport, but they strike often, you never know when, sometimes the announcement comes on fairly short notice and I want to be back in time to pick the kids up from school.

The appointment is this Thursday, and I have the willies and am getting a sore throat to boot (my daughter just had a cold). I have read a book about biblical counseling by Crabb, and though his approach seems balanced, he still seems strict to me, there is a small amount of circular reasoning going on there. What if the counselor likes the book, doesn't like it, or thinks I'm bonkers? What if he tells me to just live with the way things are at home? My daughter is failing in school, starting to get fat, and I know that even though she has dyslexia that her failure is partly my fault, and that of Hubby, that our relationship is strained. She is getting treatment, but if our relationship doesn't change for the better, she won't get the self-esteem she needs to overcome learning problems and lethargy. My son is doing okay in school, but has problems with his bowels that can lead to embarassing situations, I think that his self-esteem is low too, which prevents his cooperation in the matter and just makes things worse. Something has to be done now - and not only by me. Even if the counseling is successful in my case, I'm only half of the company.

I have been having headaches lately and tenseness in the shoulders, am seeing a medical fitness adviser this Wed. and will start going to the fitness center to combat that and other aches and pains. The money isn't really there for that, we desperately need it because our car is aging, but health is more important.

I did finally get a job (first real job in 16 years), teaching English to private students, but they are so busy that they don't have time to train me, somebody just quit and they got a lot of new students. I hope that I can start training soon - and making money, that would go a long way toward filling some gaps. I might even be able to teach German if someone gets sick, they said, and the student doesn't want to lose hours. They said that if I teach well they might send me to companies to teach business English, they already taught Italian to Hubby that way, usually stuff like that gets paid by the company. And hey, Willow, I am even making plans to get a motorcycle when I have earned enough, they can get through the nasty traffic here very fast, traffic has gotten so much worse in the last few years. I know, don't count your chickens until they have hatched. Maybe it is the midlife crisis, but a motorcycle would be so cool! To use a German word, affengeil! During the day I use the car, but am usually travelling alone, so I can justify the use of a motorcycle that would save gas and let the car rest.

I am nervous about the psych, but have not felt this optimistic in a long time, despite the trouble we are experiencing.

Please pray that the counselor is a good one, that the counseling works, that Hubby will agree to go - to any counselor, maybe even the Christian one if he turns out to be okay.

Carmen

[Theodora]

You certainly do have a LOT "on your plate," and I will certainly be keeping you in active prayer about this. I think it's wonderful that you've been able to continue to be so "pro-active" about your whole situation, in spite of everything that would mitigate against it. Will certainly be praying for some true, godly counsel for you..but...whatever...continue to hold to your OWN sense of what is "right" for you and for your family. (Certainly--PLEASE---don't blame yourself for your daughter's difficulties!!!!!!)

Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh......Sometimes life can be altogether too much "fun," can't it?

Love you....and I've been thankful to be able to follow a bit of your saga here and to be drawn into something of your VERY good, very thoughtful meditative posts. For various reasons, I've not always been able to respond to that, but I DO read here as able and have been keeping you and yours in prayer. Do be assured that that will continue.

Blessings to you this day/night. (It's now c. 2 p.m. CDT for me---are you about 7 hours later than this in Italy? Our younger son is in Iraq with the Marines and that's 9 hours ahead. It STILL really makes me work to try to factor in time-differences in what might otherwise seem like "real-time" communication. Isn't it a true marvel of our age, however, that we DO have these possibilities for understanding and growth? !?! Hang in there...

Theodora


Lots of life changes going on...stress...

I had been looking for a counselor for quite some time, partly because of the SA and partly because of the tension in the family that the SA made worse. Hubby doesn't know I found a biblical counselor, I will check him out first - alone. Hubby hasn't made any efforts to find a psych at all although I insisted that we need to go together. He would probably be more hesitant about one that follows the bible as a guideline.

Finally found a biblical counselor in downtown, will take me about an hour to get to the other side of the city if I'm lucky and then I still have to find a parking spot - needle in a haystack. I could take public transport, but they strike often, you never know when, sometimes the announcement comes on fairly short notice and I want to be back in time to pick the kids up from school.

The appointment is this Thursday, and I have the willies and am getting a sore throat to boot (my daughter just had a cold). I have read a book about biblical counseling by Crabb, and though his approach seems balanced, he still seems strict to me, there is a small amount of circular reasoning going on there. What if the counselor likes the book, doesn't like it, or thinks I'm bonkers? What if he tells me to just live with the way things are at home? My daughter is failing in school, starting to get fat, and I know that even though she has dyslexia that her failure is partly my fault, and that of Hubby, that our relationship is strained. She is getting treatment, but if our relationship doesn't change for the better, she won't get the self-esteem she needs to overcome learning problems and lethargy. My son is doing okay in school, but has problems with his bowels that can lead to embarassing situations, I think that his self-esteem is low too, which prevents his cooperation in the matter and just makes things worse. Something has to be done now - and not only by me. Even if the counseling is successful in my case, I'm only half of the company.

I have been having headaches lately and tenseness in the shoulders, am seeing a medical fitness adviser this Wed. and will start going to the fitness center to combat that and other aches and pains. The money isn't really there for that, we desperately need it because our car is aging, but health is more important.

I did finally get a job (first real job in 16 years), teaching English to private students, but they are so busy that they don't have time to train me, somebody just quit and they got a lot of new students. I hope that I can start training soon - and making money, that would go a long way toward filling some gaps. I might even be able to teach German if someone gets sick, they said, and the student doesn't want to lose hours. They said that if I teach well they might send me to companies to teach business English, they already taught Italian to Hubby that way, usually stuff like that gets paid by the company. And hey, Willow, I am even making plans to get a motorcycle when I have earned enough, they can get through the nasty traffic here very fast, traffic has gotten so much worse in the last few years. I know, don't count your chickens until they have hatched. Maybe it is the midlife crisis, but a motorcycle would be so cool! To use a German word, affengeil! During the day I use the car, but am usually travelling alone, so I can justify the use of a motorcycle that would save gas and let the car rest.

I am nervous about the psych, but have not felt this optimistic in a long time, despite the trouble we are experiencing.

Please pray that the counselor is a good one, that the counseling works, that Hubby will agree to go - to any counselor, maybe even the Christian one if he turns out to be okay.

Carmen

[Illuminated]

I am nervous about the psych, but have not felt this optimistic in a long time, despite the trouble we are experiencing.Wow. You certainly are going through a stressful time. I am sorry to hear that and I will be praying for the peace of the Holy Spirit to descend upon you and your family.

I have worked with two Christian counselors since my situation occurred - both women, and both just wonderful. I like them because I can easily mention spiritual things without feeling strange. We don't really talk about spriritual things as I am not going to them for spiritual counseling (ha! maybe I should!) but for PTSD and depression.

I think you are doing the right thing by starting out with Christian counselors. It might take you a while to find the right one though. Then again - maybe the Lord is leading you to just the right person! That's what happened with me! Who would have thought a specialist in treating PTSD who herself had resigned from the ministry while under a lying pastor would be in the same city where I live!

God Bless!;)

[newlife]

Carmen,

I'm glad to hear that you're seeking out counseling despite your nervousness about it. I will be keeping the situation in prayer for you. Keep us posted about how things go for you...

That's good news about the job situation!

Love, newlife

[Carmen]

Thanks for the encouragement Theodora, Illuminated and newlife. :)

If that biblical counselor doesn't work out, I'll just have to find a normal psych. I don't think other biblical counselors exist around here. It is highly likely that the next one would be at Rome or Zürich or something. I did see a website link from the NACR that led to a 12-step program in Switzerland, but one of the associates was connected to a Vineyard church (info about the person has since been deleted from the site sometime last fall though the person is still there). I'm trying to keep away from that stuff.

I'm wondering whether that counselor knows the guy that SA'd me. Most I have spoken to, including pastors did not know that the church existed, but I went to a potluck at an English-speaking church this last Sunday that I sometimes attend and met a very enthusiastic and go-getterish Christian student. She asked a lot of questions and before I knew it she had mentioned his name in a positive way, had met him at a conference, and I admitted to knowing the person, though said that we were not on the best terms. I didn't give any details, said it wasn't worth going into, but if she sees him again and tells him....and if the counselor is buddy-buddy with the guy and not neutral enough...

Sorry, I'm a worrywart. I keep imagining worst-case scenarios when it is likely that it won't be that way. I'll agree with your prayers in faith.

Carmen

[Illuminated]

...and if the counselor is buddy-buddy with the guy and not neutral enough... Sorry, I'm a worrywart. I keep imagining worst-case scenarios when it is likely that it won't be that way. I used to worry about talking to a counselor because no one else in the body of Christ had talked publically about a bad experience with the group I was with. I didn't want to be the first.

Then, several people reassured me that if the counselor is licensed, that they are bound professionally to keep everything you say confidential. If they do know someone you talk about, they would never pass information along to them as it violates their professional code of ethics.

Of course, I don't know what the professional counselor standards are where you are, but where I am, the counselors are professionally licensed and they keep to that code. I guess you'll just have to trust your local professional accreditation organisation. And the Lord. ;)

....praying for the wisdom of the HS to envelope you with love....
Illuminated

[SpinningHead]

First off, congratulations for being brave enough so seek some help! That's great! and worthy of a cappuccino!! :)

My two cents with regards to counseling/therapy (having gone through it) is to remember that you are the one interviewing this counselor to see if you are both a good fit. You know that you need some help and this counselor needs to show you they can provide the help you need in a safe/healing manner, not the help they dictate. You also have the right to disagree with your counselor. You have the right to say you're not feeling safe with this person and continue your search for a good match. You have the right to choose not to go back.

You are in control of who you decide to trust. So take a deep breath, don't be nervous...you are conducting the interview. Ask a lot of questions about counseling styles, core psycological beliefs/spiritual beliefs (you definately don't need another spiritual abuser fine crafted in the art of psycology messing with your head!) and maybe present 2 or 3 major concerns your have towards counseling and see what the response is.

You're one smart cookie! I think you're going to do fine! You're bright! You're intelligent! and you can sniff a fraud a mile away! Trust in your instincts!

((((((((((Carmen))))))))))))))

:)

[allannajoy]

First off, congratulations for being brave enough so seek some help! That's great! and worthy of a cappuccino!! :)

My two cents with regards to counseling/therapy (having gone through it) is to remember that you are the one interviewing this counselor to see if you are both a good fit. You know that you need some help and this counselor needs to show you they can provide the help you need in a safe/healing manner, not the help they dictate. You also have the right to disagree with your counselor. You have the right to say you're not feeling safe with this person and continue your search for a good match. You have the right to choose not to go back.

You are in control of who you decide to trust. So take a deep breath, don't be nervous...you are conducting the interview. Ask a lot of questions about counseling styles, core psycological beliefs/spiritual beliefs (you definately don't need another spiritual abuser fine crafted in the art of psycology messing with your head!) and maybe present 2 or 3 major concerns your have towards counseling and see what the response is.

You're one smart cookie! I think you're going to do fine! You're bright! You're intelligent! and you can sniff a fraud a mile away! Trust in your instincts!

((((((((((Carmen))))))))))))))

:)


That is well said Spinninghead. Best wishes Carmen! AJ

[Carmen]

Thanks for the tips, SpinningHead!:)

I'll keep them in the very front of my mind when I go tomorrow. I hope that reason won't leave me, my instincts certainly won't. I'll try and keep the discernment cap on, will hold it on with both hands.

Carmen

[Carmen]

Just an update:

Didn't have time to go online until now.

Went there, traffic was unbelievable, got to the office only five minutes before the appointment. I was told not to arrive too early anyway, the counselor doesn't want one patient to be embarrassed by meeting another one.

I asked about how he counsels, he has studied directly under Crabb, the author of the book I mentioned here somewhere recently. He is in favor of the biblicalness of the counsel, and only will resort to "secular" techniques when necessary, but does not think them wrong as some others do. He didn't know about Johnson's/Van Vonderen's book. Dunno what that means, but I did mention the name of the book and the author's names so that he might remember them and look things up. He was gentle with his words. Ok, that was only one visit, I will still keep an eye on him, but things look promising. He wants to see me once a week.

I actually cried while I told him of the SA and how it made some problems in the marriage more acute. I don't know what the guy thought of me crying on my first visit. I don't even cry in front of people I've known for years. I am not the emotional type. I don't know what got into me.

He already advised me to stop my discernment activities for a month and concentrate my mind more on things at home. I did say that I don't use the computer when the others are at home, but did admit that sometimes I don't do the housework as well as I could if I were not online or reading or writing something. But I don't want to stop coming here, it has helped me sort out so much already. And I will be out at the end of July and part of August anyway with the family and away from the computer. Will be online a bit less in the next how long anyway. I have to train out, too much tension in shoulders and neck, have to nip problems in the bud before they get unmanageable. Must do that three times a week. Plus the new job, but it is starting off slowly, won't really get many hours until September anyway. At least things are not boring...

Still have to tell Hubby I went, but I don't plan on telling him the guy is a biblical counselor until I can't get around it. Tonight I want to tell Hubby I went, and that the guy seems ok. I know he will mention money and hope he doesn't get mad. I hope Hubby can come along too sometime. The counselor said he'd only charge what I can pay. I wonder what such people usually earn. The first visit was free, but I don't want to be rude by paying too little when I go again, even though cash is a bit scarce right now.



ASKING THOSE THAT HAVE HAD COUNSELING - What have you paid an hour, and was that price recent?

[Illuminated]

The counselor said he'd only charge what I can pay. I wonder what such people usually earn. The first visit was free, but I don't want to be rude by paying too little when I go again, even though cash is a bit scarce right now.ASKING THOSE THAT HAVE HAD COUNSELING - What have you paid an hour, and was that price recent?It sounds like your first visit went very well. The first time I went to my first counselor, I started crying almost as soon as she said something like "Well, where do you want to start?" I think counselors are very used to tears, especially from women.

The first counselor considered her counselling with missionaries to be part of her own mission work. She charged only $50 an hour. She was in the Atlanta area in Georgia. When I moved and had to change counselors, the first one (also a Christian) I tried said she felt led to charge me $85 (normally $110/hour). She is in the Texas area.

When I was at a specialist treatment center for former cult members, if we wanted counseling after we left they charged $100. I think they charged $100 an hour while we were there also, but I'm not sure as I went on a partial 'scholarship'.

The specialist I am seeing now for PTSD, herself also a Christian, charges me $110/hour (50 minutes actually).

I know some secular counselors charge up to $150 in the States - probably more in the metropolitan areas..... I dunno.

I guess you could think about what you can pay by thinking about what your annual income is and how many dependents you have. I would venture to suggest that maybe you could pay $50 an hour. Believe me, if you like the guy, it will be worth every penny of it.

But, first - how can you check to see what the rates are in your area? You could probably ring around other counselors offices and ask. They may work much cheaper there than in the states.

You are on the road to recovery! Hallelujah! Let's hope that you continue to like the counselor's methods.;)

[Scooter]

Carmen,

I have not searched previous posts to learn more about your story or experiences, so I don't want to seem imposing or uninformed. Here are a few things I thought you might find helpful:

Any licensed counselor in the country has to abide by the limits of confidentiality, otherwise they violate their profession's ethical code and can lose their license. The only time they are permitted to break confidentiality is if someone discloses that a child is currently being abused, if a client discloses a plan to commit suicide/homicide, or if there is a court order. I think I got this all correct.

If a licensed counselor's highest degree is a master's degree, insurance companies usually pay them about $50-$60 an hour (in my state). The counselor might charge more, but they won't get that amount from insurance companies - only from people who pay out of pocket. For licensed counselors with a doctoral degree, insurance pays them about $80-$90 an hour.

Many counselors are willing to work out a payment rate based on what you can afford. Some will agree with you to charge only the amount of a normal co-pay...maybe $20-$25 a visit...even if you don't have insurance.

Being nervous or crying is so okay! Relating with a counselor can be pretty different from other relationships. It's nervewracking to go to this person who's a stranger and who you don't know what they'll think of your story. I've been to a few counselors...one was really helpful, one was pretty good, and the other two weren't a good fit.

You are in control of what you share and when you share it. It takes time to develop trust with anyone.

Good for you for taking care of yourself and for asking questions!

*By the way, I learned that info about insurance and confidentiality because I work as an office administrator in a psychology practice. :)

[Willow]

I have had different prices. If I go through work... insurance pays in part and I only have to do $20/hr copays. If I go through a pastoral counselor... I pay a reduced rate of $85/hr. Not sure why he gave me that deal. I've paid as much as $200/hr. Felt ripped off on that one and never went back. Maybe that was the best counselor... who knows? Oh... i also had free counseling via women's crisis centers. My needs were beyond what they were able to provide though. However... with the suicide of my mom, I have looked into their suicide survivors support groups which are also free.

[Willow]

And hey, Willow, I am even making plans to get a motorcycle when I have earned enough, they can get through the nasty traffic here very fast, traffic has gotten so much worse in the last few years. I know, don't count your chickens until they have hatched. Maybe it is the midlife crisis, but a motorcycle would be so cool! To use a German word, affengeil! During the day I use the car, but am usually travelling alone, so I can justify the use of a motorcycle that would save gas and let the car rest.

Hey... I just saw this! More power to ya! I hope it works out. For what it's worth.... my motorcycle has been very therapeutic to me!

[Willow]

I'm wondering whether that counselor knows the guy that SA'd me. Most I have spoken to, including pastors did not know that the church existed, but I went to a potluck at an English-speaking church this last Sunday that I sometimes attend and met a very enthusiastic and go-getterish Christian student. She asked a lot of questions and before I knew it she had mentioned his name in a positive way, had met him at a conference, and I admitted to knowing the person, though said that we were not on the best terms. I didn't give any details, said it wasn't worth going into, but if she sees him again and tells him....and if the counselor is buddy-buddy with the guy and not neutral enough...

Sorry, I'm a worrywart. I keep imagining worst-case scenarios when it is likely that it won't be that way. I'll agree with your prayers in faith.

Carmen

Gotta tell you... I went 3 hours away to a christiann counselor once. Thought I'd be far enough away to not have connections. WRONG! He knew a couple that I mentioned in therapy that went to church with me. What a shocker!!!! It really CAN happen. Going secular is a way of avoiding the common faith that connects our names together. And... just because someone is a secular counselor doesn't mean they won't honor your faith. Nor does it mean they don't have a common faith. I find it healthier in an odd sort of way that their faith isn't so intertwined in their profession that they can't see neutrally.

[butterfly]

Hi Carmen, I pay $45.00 for a visit because taht is all I could afford.

Before this price I only paid $30.00 because the place I went to had a sliding scale it depended on how much money you make.

My therpist left there and I see her at her office. We have been toghter for a long time and she knows I have limited money.

I do not go to Christian therpist. I had enough of christian advice Bible beating for the rest of my life from church.

I have had three therpist who respected my faith and I was always allowed to work on my SA with them.
God has blessed me with my therpist.
When one would move the next would pick up where I left off with the other.:D

In a therpist office you can cry and say whatever you want to. Its only the two of you and the walls.

I am glad walls can"t talk.:D butterfly

[Carmen]

Thank you Illuminated, Scooter, Willow, Butterfly. :)

I figure something between 50 and 80 ought to do. Prices may be higher here though, this city is one of the more expensive ones in Europe. He is near the Univ. so may get a lot of students, that would keep prices down...

Hubby won't go at all costs, even though I didn't mention that the guy is "biblical". He didn't really say yes to me going and didn't say no either, just looked meaningful - like I'm the one that needs it anyway. :confused: :mad:

I'll keep all of your prices in mind and will still keep an eye on the counselor. I will check if his advice is biblical and if it makes sense. I hope he prescribes a motorcycle...:p

[Willow]

Better yet... take the money you would have spent on therapy and buy a motorcycle. OK.. bad advice!!

[SpinningHead]

With insurance coverage my guy was $125...since I didn't have insurance coverage for this, he charged me $75. But well worth it!!! :)