And another one bites the dust!

[SpinningHead]

When I was in my old church, our biggest red flag was when the leadership decided to "not renew" the associate pastor's (and my/hubby's good friend!!) contract. He told us he did not understand why, although there had been disagreements over the years he also thought there had been new understandings. Well, he and his wife moved away. He became head pastor of a little church that is now thriving! :)

BUT, at the time no information was given to the congregation. All we knew was our friend was "not renewed". :mad: We had a long honest conversation w/ our head pastor about how poor we thought everything was handled (he agreed! or maybe he just "yupped" me??) and the lack of communication is unacceptable and hurtful (he agreed again, or "yupped" me again???). He even told us a story about how so many angry people have been at him but he was taking their anger and not explaining anything to us to protect the Assoc. Pastor who just left. I thought at the time that was crap as if he has done something terribly wrong, A) he should know about it and B) the congregation should know about it so we could make our own decisions about our associate pastor. At the end of this conversation, I felt good to have been able to speak my mind, gotten promises it would never happen again - that they had learned, but we never learned why our friend had to leave. :(

They also did this to the youth pastor at the time (but we didn't know the youth pastor/wife very well. No less troublesome.

Now I've been out of there since last year...I heard now from two friends that the exact same thing was done to the current youth pastor. (Who's wife is pregnant!! :eek: and he hasn't been able to find another job, so right now he has no where to go and people from the church have offered to put him & wife up until she has the baby....) This church just doesn't do right by anybody! :mad:

AND also the current assoc. pastor has taken a job elsewhere. I can't tell you what's in his mind...I'm guessing he finally saw how they can be and jumped ship on good terms before he wasn't renewed! :eek:

There's no plans to hire new pastors due to there being no $$ in the budget. People have limited their giving...many have commented to me that they haven't seen responsible spending.

Meanwhile, the empty ugly white elephant of a new worship center, sits on a hill, project out of money....ok, that's not fair to white elephants - I'm sure they are very beautiful elephants.... The new building they had to have, regardless of if they could afford it, regardless of how reckless they spent people's money...sits on a hill, an empty shell - who knows when they'll finish it. I just don't sense a blessing on that project at all. :( It has been hard to let go/letting go.

With regards to responsible spending, at first we were blamed for the overages of the budgtet (lies! lies! lies! :mad: ). We're not there anymore, what's the excuse now??

I just have so many questions...and I struggle with there aren't answers!

How many people will you treat so poor and drive away before you "get it"???
When will you take full responsibility for the self-created chaos?
How much longer will you cry "victim" or "attack from evil"?
Are ya really "surpised" everyone is fleeing from your church?? (I've been told more than half of the people have left by several different sources).
What kind of a wake up call do you need?????????????

:confused:

I'm just venting because I don't want to carry this with me. Just purging the thoughts here. Ok, need my decaf.

Thoughts?

[Carmen]

Preach it Spinninghead!

My youth pastor (way back when) was ignored after his wife had their first baby. He was getting hardly any money to begin with and had requested a small raise. Of course they didn't give it to him. He was the best thing that had happened to the youth program in years and even was promoting the reading of scripture (a no-no back then in the Catholic church). That may have had a lot to do with his not getting the raise. I still miss him after all these years, he got me interested in scripture and was a great guy. I even babysitted a bit for the baby before they had to leave.

People like that shouldn't be shot down! :mad: We should support and acknowledge them.

[Jerry]

Dear Spinninghead,,,,,
Maybe that "White Elephant" on the hill was supposed to be a family oriented "Homeless Shelter" ;)
Love Jerry

[newlife]

Yes, it sounds like you were "yupped", just to get you to settle down and get back "in line"...there is a LOT of "yupping" going around...but after awhile people begin to see it for what it is...it appears that that is what is happening at your "old place", if people are leaving as you have heard.

I know how hard it is to "let go" of a project that was near and dear to your heart...I still deal with those issues of the school where I was the "adminstrator" and teacher. After I heard (through the grapevine of someone who had a chance encounter with the "pastor") that the "pastor" said that the school was going great since I left and his wife is now in charge, it really irritated me!!! My husband said, "Number one, you KNOW that's a lie! And number two, don't take it personally!" But it's hard not to take things personally things that your heart was really into... :(

So, SpinningHead, I understand your frustrations! Go ahead and vent as needed! ;)

I can only imagine how you feel whenever you see that "white elephant" sitting there on the hill...

Love, newlife

[Illuminated]

I just have so many questions...and I struggle with there aren't answers!
How many people will you treat so poor and drive away before you "get it"???
When will you take full responsibility for the self-created chaos?
How much longer will you cry "victim" or "attack from evil"?
Are ya really "surpised" everyone is fleeing from your church?? (I've been told more than half of the people have left by several different sources).
What kind of a wake up call do you need?????????????
Thoughts?I dunno.... I dunno. Those are certainly good questions to want to know the answers to. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just ask god to tell us the answers, and then we could write them down on the calendar and just wait patiently for that day to come?

You have certainly been through the ringer. I can't imagine what it must be like when you drive by that shell of a building and get 'retriggered'. Well, yes I can....:o

What do you think might make coping with not knowing the answer to those questions easier????

[SpinningHead]

What do you think might make coping with not knowing the answer to those questions easier????

I've been trying to refocus my attention on what I can control - that being me. Refusing to internalize this (which, is why I posted it) and refusing to dwell on what I can't change, and working on loosing my expectations that they will one day own their actions. As much as I want vindication day to come, it's not up to me to make that happen.

So I've been exploring new likes, old likes - trying to put new energy into my head. Some positive so I don't dwell on the negative..."be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind"...like kayaking. Hard to be negative when you're in a kayak on a beautiful lake fishing and taking pictures and exploring rivers. Healthy eating, walking a lot lately (although this New England rain has been not cooperating with my desire to loose these last 20 lbs!! :( ) But taking advantage of little things & being grateful for them, like talking w/ two of my "adopted" moms over mother's day, having a nice brunch w/ my real mom, brother (who's in town) and hubby - best Maryland crab cake in a Thai cream sauce ever! with a poached egg on a Portugeese sweet breat - see?? Best breakfast ever! So I'm putting my energy into appreciated the simple things. :) Finding some bits of time to re-read a favorite series. Hoping to see Taylor Hicks in the AI finals...:p Just a lot of self care and rebuilding myself up to be able to be there for others and being a safe place for them.

I've been fairly successful but this latest news was like someone pushed me off the balance beam. So I need to climb back up the balance beam and try again.

Good question! :)

[jimsmuse]

Lots a good stuff Spinninghead, way to go!:)
Im with ya with hoping to see Taylor Hicks in the finals of AI :p
A fantastic list of things to be greatful for, just living life and squeezing joy from the moment, good advice. Thank you!
love, jimsmuse

[SpinningHead]

a little bit more venting needed...we thank you for your patience. :)

So I was talking to a friend last night who still attends my x-church and is involved with ministry. He's been through a lot in his own overall journey and hurt deeply by other churches. I was overcome with compassion as he explained he likes the way things are for him at this church...not being involved with the business aspects, not being involved in the "who are we not going to renew" discussions or leadership discussion/decisions. He said he's older, let the young folks be involved in that...he's done that, been there. He likes just focusing on his duties and when the decisions are made, he just accepts them for they aren't his decision. I've seen him not agree with decisions made, but remains mum as they don't directly effect his ministry. That attitude/place in life will keep him around that church for a long time!

I was overwhelmed with compasison for him. He sounded tired. He sounded like he's glad that him & wife are the ones in his ministry - no committees, no politics, just him and conversations w/ main pastor. It's easy sailing (right now).

And don't get me wrong...he's GREAT at what he does. I (and hubby) would never have mentally and spiritually made it through what I went through without him and his wife. We thank God for him...I was actually calling his wife to wish her a Happy Mom's day and we got to talking as we usually do.

I didn't want to tell him I had compassion for him because he seemed content. I didn't want to take anything away from him. Content is pretty good after a lot of turmoil in your life. He sounded beaten down...like he knew that if he did get involved, he'd be next (<-I'm admitting here and now that's probably my own projections). I support him as a person and his decisions to stay (not that he was faced with leaving) and support what church remains (as I'm told more than half left).

I have compassion for him and those like him. I'm taking that as growth, that I'm capable of having compassion for others who remain in that church, and not just focusing on how I was hurt. That's self-care baby! :)

[Illuminated]

I've been trying to refocus my attention on what I can control - that being me. ..... So I'm putting my energy into appreciated the simple things. :) Finding some bits of time to re-read a favorite series. Wow! I know what you mean about focusing on what you can control.

I find it really hard because my brain is still not working right and I find myself in a fog about 50% of the time. My therapist has taught me how to 'come back' into the present (and not ruminate on the past - I just love that word ruminate ... ruuuuummminate... ruminate) by focusing on things around me in the here and now.

It was very nice to read your explanation, and I think I'll try a few of your techniques ... like revisiting something I used to like to do.

It sounds like you really have a plan for your continued recovery. Well done!

Ya know, we are all made from dust anyway. :o

[Illuminated]

I have compassion for him and those like him. I'm taking that as growth, that I'm capable of having compassion for others who remain in that church, and not just focusing on how I was hurt. That's self-care baby! :)Venting is good. Venting is good.

I can't believe you mentioned compassion!!! What a good explanation you gave of how showing compassion means growth to you. I think that is my situation - I have compassion, finally, now for those who caused me trauma, but I'm not sure if I want to give up the pain and the angst because it has been so intense for a year and it is kinda like normal for me now. If I give it up, what will fill the hole that it leaves???? I know the answer, I know, I know. At least I think I know - spiritually. Practically? I dunno.

What kind of practical things do you think will fill up the space in your life that is left empty when you give up the hurt?:o

[SpinningHead]

What kind of practical things do you think will fill up the space in your life that is left empty when you give up the hurt?:o

I think, if you don't have a replacement in mind for that space, but you try to move beyond anger/hurt anyways...then fear fills that space...fear that there's no answer to your question, fear of not knowing how to feel, or not feeling what you think you should be feeling, not trusting you'll ever feel good things again and maybe lost and confusion will set in.

I believe one must identify a dominant feeling that you have but don't want in your life, i.e. "I don't want to be angry anymore! I don't want to hurt anymore! I don't want to be tired all the time".

Then identify what feelings are wanted that's within one's control to pursue/pray for. ie "I want to be happy! I want to be calm! I want more compassion! I want more love!"

Happiness
Now start itty-bitty steps to pursue moments of those feelings...laughter! Laugh for just a little bit (funny movie, jokes with friends, even laughing at what causes us pain can render that hurtful experience/hurtful person powerless) and be conscious of those good feelings, hold on to them as long as you can.

Calm
Try silent prayer...just you and God...you not saying a word (no complaining, no venting, no requests, no compliments & praises) but be open to His peace, be silent in His presence being fully aware of Him. Dwell on Him...you will find more calmness in your life. I'm not saying don't ever praise God or give glory...I'm just saying try being silent in His presence. Be conscious of the feeling and hold on to it as long as you can.

Compassion.
..children (animals always does it for me) bring out compassion. Write a donation to an organization that helps children...do just a little bit for someone else out of empathy for them. I recommend practicing compassion where you're not attached to the subject so you cannot be swooped up into a drama you're not ready to deal with. Keep in simple and keep it within your control. Be conscious of the feeling and hold on to it as long as you can.

Love
If you want love, you must love. Just a little bit at a time, just a little more openess. Be careful what/who you choose to love, but do risk it. It's worth it. Maybe start out by just loving the time you share with someone, or love being at a special place (museum, cafe), or love nature (hikes, beaches, mountains). Just start by opening up to love.


My point is, identify what you do want and create more of those moments in your life. Don't ignore negative feelings...but celebrate good ones too. After a while, your good moments will be abudant in your life, and your bad moments won't be so at the surface. Happiness isn't a constant state of being, but a series of moments of joy and laughter tucked down into your being, carried with you when times get rough or sad. [[trigger!-->>]] I think when the Bible says the joy of the Lord is my strength, it's talking about being sustained, being strong enough to endure.

Do what you can to avoid negative feelings you know you're not capable of processing in a healthy way...give yourself permission to remove yourself at any given time. If you must confront unhealthy issues, do what you can to establish a support system...like the wonderful people on this forum! :D Seriously, I don't know what I'd have done without this forum. My pain was too great to dump on any one person I know, too much to dump on hubby...and way too much to carry by myself.

That was a bit long and PBS is shutting off my microphone now.

I hope this helps someone out there...take what works and leave the rest.

[Satscout]

Venting is good. Venting is good.

I can't believe you mentioned compassion!!! What a good explanation you gave of how showing compassion means growth to you. I think that is my situation - I have compassion, finally, now for those who caused me trauma, but I'm not sure if I want to give up the pain and the angst because it has been so intense for a year and it is kinda like normal for me now. If I give it up, what will fill the hole that it leaves???? I know the answer, I know, I know. At least I think I know - spiritually. Practically? I dunno.

What kind of practical things do you think will fill up the space in your life that is left empty when you give up the hurt?:o

One of the most interesting things about typing the occasional plastic surgery note is trying to visualize how they close. Let's say they remove some skin lesion and you have this big hole. Working with the natural grain of the skin, they can redirect what is left to cover the hole. And by working with the natural bent of what is already there, scarring is minimized and the overall healing wound has a much more pleasing end result.

In other words, it is usually easiest to go with your grain. Fill up the space with what God has naturally given you a bent towards or an interest in. For me, that has included music and reading. Chronic illness has forced me to be still, so techniques that utilize stillness seem to work better for me. Some people need motion, and find that filling up/healing when they walk, run, or work out.

The hardest part, of course, is keeping the hurt from flowing right back in, spiritual gravity being what it is. Stuff like that will always seek the lowest point - the "hole" you are trying to empty being the easiest place. :-\ So... what do you find comfort in? A hot cup of tea and a good book? A warm bubble bath? A nice big cuddly teddy bear? A little self TLC can help occupy the space until the other things "heal over" enough to keep the hurt from coming back to easily.

Just my two cents, of course.