Hello, new here

[Bea]

I am living in New Zealand and left my country (UK) to get away from abuse from church members, some of them relatives. I gave information to police on leaving the uk which has since lead to arrests and I dont know how to deal with this. I do not go to church but I would call myself a christian. I have never spoken with survivors of this kind of abuse but have been looking on search engines for support sites for a long time. I used my university savings to get here and the future seems empty. I just always want to find somebody who understands.

[MCM (Mary)]

Hi, Bea

Welcome!!!

There are several people here who have had serious difficulties in church. I did not have the courage to take things to the authorities. I'm glad you did. I sure don't envy your pain and difficulty and loss -- even moving all the way to the other side of the world. Wow! That just shows how painful church abuse can be.

You will find people here who care, who know what it's like. I was physically assaulted twice, suffered slander and lies, for some crazy reason put up with sexual harassment, had many broken promises, misunderstandings, saw witchcraft ... you get the idea. I'm starting to find sanity and joy in life.

Please post here any time you like. Mary

[Voyager]

Bea,

The future always seems empty after spiritual abuse. That's because you have suffered a great loss. A deep part of you have been horribly scarred and damaged. It takes time to recover. But - it does get better. I left a spiritually abusive church six years ago, and I had been there 12 years. I felt empty for quite some time after leaving. It's just been in the last year or so that I have felt much better about my future. My hope has been restored. I want to get up and face life again for a change.

It just takes time my friend. What we have been through is every bit as much of a loss as what the Russian parents who lost children in the recent terrorist massacre are dealing with. You cannot expect to just pick up the pieces and "move on" after such a traumatic loss. It takes time - and it takes support. You can find support here.

I hope you find a speedy recovery!

:cool: Voyager

[Oopsie Daisey]

Dear Bea:

Thanks for introducing yourself. There are some here that will really understand you and do better about this than I do. I have been here about 3 months and just
understanding that I was in an abusive situation. I am just learning that it was
literally killing me inside and out and while it wasn't physically abusive, it was abusive in every way. I was controlled by fear, and fear of not doing everything correctly and that somehow I was not going to be a part of God's kids. I do not attend church either because I have not been able to trust anyone in this area
for a church. They have too much connection and too much of my ex-pastor running them.

My dad is a pastor and I didn't see that what I came out of was not the same thing I was in. I was most fortunate to have been raised by Christian parents who were very loving and supportive and just wanted my life to be with God and my relationship to be with Him.

Bea, I hope you will feel free to chat and share and if you don't then I hope you will be able to see something that you want. WHen I came here the told me to take what works and leave the rest.

It was nice to meet you. :)

Love,
Melanie
USA

[Zacchaeus]

Hi Bea,

My wife (Cathy) and I are two of the boards resident Brits. We suffered SA in one of the UK's main pentecostal churches 3 years ago, but, in spite of the intense pain we managed to escape, rebuild our lives, and have recently had our second child.

I can promise you two things: the pain won't last forever and you are safe posting on this board. There is very little that the folk here haven't suffered when it comes to SA - from cults to mainstream churches.

Personally, the SA was really a watershed for me which freed me to re-engage my brain and decide what I think about church and God, FOR MYSELF - not to conform to some irrelevant Statement of Faith.

At the moment, I am exploring the whole concept of Post-Evangelical Christianity which I'm finding really quite refreshing - yes, there are people just like me with all kinds of doubts and concerns.

I wish you well on your journey!

Peace,

Zach :)

[ex-shep]

I am living in New Zealand and left my country (UK) to get away from abuse from church members, some of them relatives. I gave information to police on leaving the uk which has since lead to arrests and I dont know how to deal with this. I do not go to church but I would call myself a christian. I have never spoken with survivors of this kind of abuse but have been looking on search engines for support sites for a long time. I used my university savings to get here and the future seems empty. I just always want to find somebody who understands.

Welcome aboard. You are not alone. All of us have seen it, done that, been there and got the t-shirt. Feel free to share whatever is on your heart and mind. What helped me was talking about my experiences to anyone who would listen. Even though the term spiritual abuse and the internet were not existance when I walked out of my group 20 years, I found it helpful to find those who would listen. I got involved with the cult awareness movement in existance in the late 80s to mid nineties. I found that those who walked out of destructive cutls all had massive readjustment issues.

The first year, I definitely had to be gentle with myself. I definitely experienced all phases of the grieving cycle-- denial, bargaining, anger, depression. What was difficult for me was my finances still had me living with a group member. To get the old tapes out my head, I had to stop listening to any christian programmes.
I aslo had to move to another part of the country to facilitate my recovery.

The good news is recovery does come with time. The air does clear and one does become able to stop and smell the roses. It does get better. Keep on posting. Glad you are here.

[Jerry]

Dear Bea,,,,
For You,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"There was a time when love was in my spirit,,,a pure burning taken from a star...Like dust in a shaft of sunlight,it was even in my dreams.....I could see it like warm oil pouring over the shoulders of my friends.................But now,,,,,,,,,,,,,Now my thoughts are as the thoughts of dogs,and my wars are as the wars of insects,,,,,,,,,,,my feet are bloodied,,,,,,,,,but the direction is known,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I will recover......" Welcome Bea,,,,,yes we understand ............
Love Jerry(USA)

[Emerging]

Dearest Bea, you are most welcome here. I have heard that New Zealand is really beautiful! It is often hard when we first move to somewhere new, and hardest of all to be treated so badly by our own family that we have to break ties with them for awhile, for our own sakes. It is really sad when that happens, as it has for me, but then I don't have to let anyone near me who does not have my best interests in their hearts. Nor are they allowed anywhere near my children.

I'm sorry you "need" to come here just as I wish no one else did either. I was in a church that had a lot of good teachings, but WAY too many wolves in sheeps clothing who were preactically worshipped as holy men and women and how dare I say anything against them. I do not go to any church either right now. If the church would work with me and help me identigy those who most deeply hurt me, people would be going to jail for what they did to me, no doubt about it.

Alice on these boards recently found a good attorney in the US to help her out so she has some good information about that whole process. I don't have a link to her site handy - maybe someone else does?

Again, post as much or as little as you want to here. we do understand and even though none of us are trained counselors, we've sadly lived through a lot of what you are experiencing. If it's ok, can we send good thoughts your way? Hang in there. :o

[Alice]

Hi, Bea: Welcome! This is a wonderful group!! I am trying to get used to the new forum, and I am NOT computer literate, LOL---I see where Emerging mentioned my attorney and website: my site: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com.......something beautiful came from the ashes of being voted out of a 31-year (legaistic, now i realize) church membership, after getting a divorce after 31 years of abuse......I went to the pastor (of disaster) for help 12 yrs ago, but he did nothing (sexist, also)......I stood up and fought the abusive system for 18 months to try to stop the pastor from "counseling" any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide! I stood up in front of the whole congregation, and read a speech----they did this (voted me out) to me on my birthday (September 29th..2 yrs ago)...My name was up on a big screen in front of the congregation, followed by the words; CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD...i was called to a meeting of the deacons (pharisees) and not allowed ot have a woman present---what a farce...I was asked if I was "still having sex with my ex"---I allowed him to live in my house after divorce......after two years; timing is everything.... I sent a letter to every person that went to that church (took me 10 hrs to compose and was 10 pages long); I addressed spiritual abuse, verbal abuse (I'm an expert on verbal abuse and help other women), the church's twisted views on divorce, etc., etc....A therapist showed up as an angel straight from Heaven---at the exact moment I needed him-----a expert in spiritual abuse--now THAT was a miracle, when I had never even heard the term...he taught me the most important words I ever learned: RESTORATIVE JUSTICE-----this is what you did.....this is how it made me feel........so empowering to someone abused for a whole lifetime........the pastor couldn't ignore my letter to everybody (Ha,HA), so he called a special meeting...it was a farce, of course....I waited 2 weeks and sent another letter to the "pastor" requesting the Biblical compensation for damages for what I had to spend in therapy...my therapist and attorney (the attorney was ANOTHER miracle.........he counsels abused women for free----unbelievable...and is a believer..)both didn't think pastor would take me seriously, but for some reason I DID...guess what...he DID.......the church's insurance company called me......the attorney taped the conversation, and an insurance adjuster is coming to my office this coming Monday to go over stuff with me...fortunately I kept a record of EVERY conversation and meeting that abusive pastor/church/deacons ever had with me..........I requested double (my therapist's words--the man is positively brilliant!)compensation, because the Bible said you are supposed to return AT LEAST double....LOL,LOL---they don't know I am going to request even more! I told the pastor that I plan to share the $ (if they pay me) with the 2 women, who because of his "counseling" wanted to commit suicide....well that is it in a nutshell...my e-mail is: wacalice@aol.com..if you wish to write to me; since I am still trying to get used to this forum ..i am still confused! My website is doing what I intended; helping to heal others----over 4,000 hits in less than a year; have heard from people all over the world: therapists, Ph.D.'s, pastors, artists, authors, etc, ---even some Messianic Jews from Jerusalem, Israel----whom I called, (worth the 50 dollar phone bill), and they prayed with me in Hebrew---powerful moment.....Hope you'll write me back, and take a look at my website; I hope it will help heal you...I send my love.......I am...because of Him....an overcomer and wounded-healer...Alice