hornblower
05-08-2006, 08:27 AM
very triggering
This happened years ago and I would very much like some feedback on it as to what you all think about what happened to me.
.
So anyway God showed me to go to to this church Shady Grove. Then he also showed me to teach there, the little kindergarten, and he also showed the principal the same thing so he hired me out of about twenty more qualified people than I was.
At this same time I was told by the church staff elders pastor and such that I should begin to give these visions to the church body. So after a year or so, a lot had happened I dont know but for me anyway pressure began to mount.
I was talking to others about this feeling. Like nothing there was real it didnt seem to me. These few friends more than agreed with me but its all so hush hush.
One other teacher told me that he and his wife had even been to the pastor about it and he told me that it was anti feminism or submission teaching. This was all so hush hush.
One of the other teachers who was so beyond popular, just like the most handsome young man and beyond exemplary in every way and also the principals best friend.
To them I was like so stupid. It also bothered me that in the morning school prayers that this teacher ran he often went off on a tangent about the massive sin in the world how awful it all was?????????????????
I would say well we would be right there if it werent for Jesus, we are sinners too! But as always none of the other women would say a word and it was like I had committed some kind of crime or something. All of this and plus my children being in this school was making me nervous. I had to keep my job or they couldnt go there, I was loosing my peace big time.
So then this same young very popular young teacher began to teach a class on submission for women to their husbands.
(Now I had been trying so hard to do this with my husband and things had gotten so bad during that that he told me to STOP doing this submission stuff! For me this was my answer............about all of that submission stuff.........God does it through me and thats the end of that!
So now during lunch time for the teachers and in the hall and all over the place Im hearing this young man say "Women DONT want to submit to their husbands!" Over and over he would say this it was very upsetting to me that he believed this. Because I did, I want too and I still want to do anything to make my marriage better...like duh............?????????
Im telling you he would be just walking down the hall and he would say this right out loud. It didnt have anything to do with anything just Him espousing this thing!
It was wearing on my nerves like everything was. One day in the prayer room after school I asked all of them to pray for me as I was begijnning to get so anxious about my husband not attending church with me and this submission teaching being what it is and me getting up and telling my vioisions it was all too much for me and I didnt understand it???????? Please pray for my family and myself to have peace. You could have heard a pin drop.......................
then in walks this young male teacher and out of his mouth comes this thing he kept saying.............women dont want to submit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The men in the room sat there grinning like this was an act of God!
On the way home my anger grew and grew and grew. It was so huge! I could hear God telling me get rid of it dont do anything just let it go but I wouldnt. The next morning there he was with me and three other women and there we were having to listen to him again.............I exploded! I thrashed him out for what he said to me when I was so desperate about my own family how dare he say this that women dont want to submit when Ive tried so very hard to do everything for my husband and HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHAT A WOMAN FEELS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh. It felt so good to get rid of all of that fierce anger...............he was shocked to say the least and when I finished ranting he told me...........he never heard me asking for prayer or anything that day.............when I realised he was just walking around saying that thing agaion and that he didnt even hear me ask for prayer I right away repented..............Oh Im so sorry............oh my please forgive me I was wrong to take all of this frustration out on you.........terrible mistake it wont ever happen again................so sorry..........but oh bless your heart you have helped me so much becuase I feel so much better this must have been something I needed to do please forgive me though.
He did and foolish me I thought that was the end of it.
I was called in to the principals office to tell him what had happend. He told me Steve the mans name was very upset. Im sure but hell get over it once he understands. Everybody was walking around like something hoirrible was about to happen but not me I felt as free as a bird.
when I went home that night and got in the tub I heard the HS say to me you are going to be disciplined. Fear enveloped me.................
I had no idea what that meant.
The next day the principal called me to him and told me that in the afternoon I was going to be disciplined I said yes I know God told me................
He told me I was to read the scripture to all of the staff that a woman must submit to her husband..................
I froze..............why? I asked? He said this is Steves retribution. I asked what are you talking about? He said this is whats done when someone sins and they must pay for the sin that they did to the offended party.
Funny how joy can be turned into absolute fear and misery for years and years. I was under a male teacher at the time that was beyond cruel to mostly the children. He was the teacher and miserable being one, I was the aid doing most of his work as far as teaching was concerned.
The unmittigated joy he had when he saw with me totally embarassed like that. Other women even just grinned and shook their heads at me wagging you know what I mean.
I had two friends but they dare not say a word.
This was my job it meant my children going to their school what could I do?
To be in a room with mostly men and having to use Gods word and say that brought back years of sexaul abuse to me.
I cried for days, but this other man was so full of joy, he said the next morning we all have what we want the cross thats what its all about. He even called my husband while I was crying at home I dont know what they said to each other. I was forever shamed.
I lost my job of course. Then the next job I got they sent awful reports to my next employer also a church. As if I was not a good employee.
My whole life at the time were the children and their hearts. That same year a student committed suicide. A child was lost after school. Many other things. When I left I went to say good bye to the pastor and he asked me............whats going on in that school????????
I didnt tell him.........he had also let me down so many times I knew better. Like the change your visions thing. Yeah right! He told me he knew I was right (this was another matter at the church service that had happened to me) and he knew it that my vision was from God he knew that my minstry was right but he had an obligation to the congregation as a Father....................
of course he was never a Father for me in any kind of way so????????
Ive never told anyone this outside of my councelor because of the massive shame of it all. I did tell my employer so she could understand why they said these things about me in their employment reports.
Ive basically hidden it said its gone and all of that but heres the thing............
My visions are gone................I want them back. Im trying to understand it.
Of course I never pray for anyone either any more. I deeply love people and want to help them. Most of my visions were about that. They were used to help people know how much God loved them and wasnt a condeming God but a compassionate loving Father Friend. It was always encouraging stuff.
Just like Jesus is.
How much of this is tied up with going to a church?
Is God mad at me am I letting Him down?
Was this thing right what they did to me?
How much you want to bet they are all doing much better than I am?
I am dealing with all of this this morning I would appreciate any help you can give me? This is what the board says to do is to post what happend to see if it is abuse.
Ive to my knowledge never brought it up to anyone before. I dont know maybe I did long ago.
The way things are right now after reading the blog that Carmen had a link too in her post to my husband we are never going to organised church again I dont even think it is real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!any more.
My husband has never wanted to go back after what happened to our daughter. I think secretly he hates the charismatic churches. Really though he knows the other ones are just down right boring..........?????
I dont know what the deal with him..........I know he believes but it bothers me that he never reads the bible at all.
I feel like Ive failed as a wife for him if its submission that is a real issue.
I cant do it anyway...............whatever it is???????????:eek:
This happened years ago and I would very much like some feedback on it as to what you all think about what happened to me.
.
So anyway God showed me to go to to this church Shady Grove. Then he also showed me to teach there, the little kindergarten, and he also showed the principal the same thing so he hired me out of about twenty more qualified people than I was.
At this same time I was told by the church staff elders pastor and such that I should begin to give these visions to the church body. So after a year or so, a lot had happened I dont know but for me anyway pressure began to mount.
I was talking to others about this feeling. Like nothing there was real it didnt seem to me. These few friends more than agreed with me but its all so hush hush.
One other teacher told me that he and his wife had even been to the pastor about it and he told me that it was anti feminism or submission teaching. This was all so hush hush.
One of the other teachers who was so beyond popular, just like the most handsome young man and beyond exemplary in every way and also the principals best friend.
To them I was like so stupid. It also bothered me that in the morning school prayers that this teacher ran he often went off on a tangent about the massive sin in the world how awful it all was?????????????????
I would say well we would be right there if it werent for Jesus, we are sinners too! But as always none of the other women would say a word and it was like I had committed some kind of crime or something. All of this and plus my children being in this school was making me nervous. I had to keep my job or they couldnt go there, I was loosing my peace big time.
So then this same young very popular young teacher began to teach a class on submission for women to their husbands.
(Now I had been trying so hard to do this with my husband and things had gotten so bad during that that he told me to STOP doing this submission stuff! For me this was my answer............about all of that submission stuff.........God does it through me and thats the end of that!
So now during lunch time for the teachers and in the hall and all over the place Im hearing this young man say "Women DONT want to submit to their husbands!" Over and over he would say this it was very upsetting to me that he believed this. Because I did, I want too and I still want to do anything to make my marriage better...like duh............?????????
Im telling you he would be just walking down the hall and he would say this right out loud. It didnt have anything to do with anything just Him espousing this thing!
It was wearing on my nerves like everything was. One day in the prayer room after school I asked all of them to pray for me as I was begijnning to get so anxious about my husband not attending church with me and this submission teaching being what it is and me getting up and telling my vioisions it was all too much for me and I didnt understand it???????? Please pray for my family and myself to have peace. You could have heard a pin drop.......................
then in walks this young male teacher and out of his mouth comes this thing he kept saying.............women dont want to submit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The men in the room sat there grinning like this was an act of God!
On the way home my anger grew and grew and grew. It was so huge! I could hear God telling me get rid of it dont do anything just let it go but I wouldnt. The next morning there he was with me and three other women and there we were having to listen to him again.............I exploded! I thrashed him out for what he said to me when I was so desperate about my own family how dare he say this that women dont want to submit when Ive tried so very hard to do everything for my husband and HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHAT A WOMAN FEELS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh. It felt so good to get rid of all of that fierce anger...............he was shocked to say the least and when I finished ranting he told me...........he never heard me asking for prayer or anything that day.............when I realised he was just walking around saying that thing agaion and that he didnt even hear me ask for prayer I right away repented..............Oh Im so sorry............oh my please forgive me I was wrong to take all of this frustration out on you.........terrible mistake it wont ever happen again................so sorry..........but oh bless your heart you have helped me so much becuase I feel so much better this must have been something I needed to do please forgive me though.
He did and foolish me I thought that was the end of it.
I was called in to the principals office to tell him what had happend. He told me Steve the mans name was very upset. Im sure but hell get over it once he understands. Everybody was walking around like something hoirrible was about to happen but not me I felt as free as a bird.
when I went home that night and got in the tub I heard the HS say to me you are going to be disciplined. Fear enveloped me.................
I had no idea what that meant.
The next day the principal called me to him and told me that in the afternoon I was going to be disciplined I said yes I know God told me................
He told me I was to read the scripture to all of the staff that a woman must submit to her husband..................
I froze..............why? I asked? He said this is Steves retribution. I asked what are you talking about? He said this is whats done when someone sins and they must pay for the sin that they did to the offended party.
Funny how joy can be turned into absolute fear and misery for years and years. I was under a male teacher at the time that was beyond cruel to mostly the children. He was the teacher and miserable being one, I was the aid doing most of his work as far as teaching was concerned.
The unmittigated joy he had when he saw with me totally embarassed like that. Other women even just grinned and shook their heads at me wagging you know what I mean.
I had two friends but they dare not say a word.
This was my job it meant my children going to their school what could I do?
To be in a room with mostly men and having to use Gods word and say that brought back years of sexaul abuse to me.
I cried for days, but this other man was so full of joy, he said the next morning we all have what we want the cross thats what its all about. He even called my husband while I was crying at home I dont know what they said to each other. I was forever shamed.
I lost my job of course. Then the next job I got they sent awful reports to my next employer also a church. As if I was not a good employee.
My whole life at the time were the children and their hearts. That same year a student committed suicide. A child was lost after school. Many other things. When I left I went to say good bye to the pastor and he asked me............whats going on in that school????????
I didnt tell him.........he had also let me down so many times I knew better. Like the change your visions thing. Yeah right! He told me he knew I was right (this was another matter at the church service that had happened to me) and he knew it that my vision was from God he knew that my minstry was right but he had an obligation to the congregation as a Father....................
of course he was never a Father for me in any kind of way so????????
Ive never told anyone this outside of my councelor because of the massive shame of it all. I did tell my employer so she could understand why they said these things about me in their employment reports.
Ive basically hidden it said its gone and all of that but heres the thing............
My visions are gone................I want them back. Im trying to understand it.
Of course I never pray for anyone either any more. I deeply love people and want to help them. Most of my visions were about that. They were used to help people know how much God loved them and wasnt a condeming God but a compassionate loving Father Friend. It was always encouraging stuff.
Just like Jesus is.
How much of this is tied up with going to a church?
Is God mad at me am I letting Him down?
Was this thing right what they did to me?
How much you want to bet they are all doing much better than I am?
I am dealing with all of this this morning I would appreciate any help you can give me? This is what the board says to do is to post what happend to see if it is abuse.
Ive to my knowledge never brought it up to anyone before. I dont know maybe I did long ago.
The way things are right now after reading the blog that Carmen had a link too in her post to my husband we are never going to organised church again I dont even think it is real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!any more.
My husband has never wanted to go back after what happened to our daughter. I think secretly he hates the charismatic churches. Really though he knows the other ones are just down right boring..........?????
I dont know what the deal with him..........I know he believes but it bothers me that he never reads the bible at all.
I feel like Ive failed as a wife for him if its submission that is a real issue.
I cant do it anyway...............whatever it is???????????:eek: