Issues around "Mother's Day" ??? ...

[Theodora]

Just wondering what having this day to "mark" in our collective world does to you/for you? (If you're not in the U.S., is there an equivalent day where you live?)

Is it "triggering" of bad memories? (...and therefore implying that we've got some grieving to do?) If we're parents ourselves, do we question what KIND of parents we are and whether we're "deserving" of any "recognition" we might receive (or have received?) If we're parents, do our latent insecurities surface as we wonder whether we WILL be remembered next Sunday...or, if you're a dad...whether YOUR day will "measure up" as well when that Sunday arrives later on? (I happen to have one of the Cosby show episodes on DVD in which they deal with that topic. "Dr. Huxtable" takes his family to task for not having put thought into what they had given him in the past, modeling a fairly hilarious collection of "wearables" etc. with his comment..."This looks like you all had never met me...." or words to that effect.)

OR, or....????

Just wondering whether this might be something to look at this week.

Hornblower just told me about her plans for the day---as well as her sister's denigration of the effort---

(This is in her post in response to my morning greeting at http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=4248


Her comments about this--

I grew up with a Father that loved to talk and a Mother that barely ever said two words. If she did it always was hurtful and spiteful to me anyway it was. My Dad on the other hand always interested in evryone else and so interesting himself. What a shock to find after his death that most people were afraid of him because he was so smart and talented and again most people were in love with m y Mom because she never said anything but smiled and worked and fed tham and such. She was so shy bless her heart.
I hope you dont mind me talking about them. Its getting close to Mothers day and here it comes Theo.
I want to go out to their grave, already have half of their flowers I want to put out there. Nobody ever goes but me. My sister and my one friend think Im lame for doing this, they dont mind of course but they voice their remarks of why do you do that? Or "(some) people feel a need,(??????) I guess< sigh, me on the other hand..............." blah blah blah.
Makes me so mad. Reminds me of the complete lack of concern when they were alive. "Why do you feel a 'need' to do that???????" Like Im weird!

No---- I don't think that Hornblower is "weird" for wanting to do this! On the contrary, I'm PROUD of her for finding ways to do what SHE needs to do to mark the day.

((((Hornblower))))-- If you're reading this, please do continue to do what you need to do to process your own feelings and honor your parents in YOUR own way. From my point of view, your sister's response is just a way of trying to deny her own feelings and ANY kind of suggestion--implied or otherwise--that how she responded (or DIDN'T) to your family (and you!) was not "correct." FAR easier to just pooh-pooh what you see another doing than to dig deeper in your own being to acknowledge what you're feeling yourself and to find ways to deal with it.

Well..."'nuff" and more than enough for right now. As a mom, an adoptive mom (who met MANY "challenges" along the way and still feel that I didn't quite do that "right!") --and now a grandmother-to-be, I'm also still musing over the rather complicated relationship/non-"relationship" I had with my own mother, who died in 1995. I'm thankful that I've been blessed with a very sweet, very supportive mother-in-law who is still active and modeling beautiful Christian behavior and love at 90 years old. Will be working on some remembrances this week for her and some other folks as I can get to it.

Blessings to you all this day--

Theodora

[hornblower]

Ditto Theo. Its a hard day for me in a lot of respects.....these silly holidays. Im glad for them but in turth they do always bring me a load of painful stuff.
This weekend Saturday I had the birthday blues with my son taking my husband on a long long round of golf and then out to dinner and subsequent birthday cards for both of us...........long overdue............and money for me and a new tripod mp3 or whatever they are called, for my husband a shared gift from his son by me and the other son by his first wife. The difference in prices for those two gifts hurts me. Not that I would ever want anyone to spend that much money on me for my birthday. I know I know Im supposed to be the brave Mom and never say a word I will end up being one of those hideous Mother in law/ mothers that never forgets a thing.
These are sons and of course its a guy thing I know what the deal here is.
But Theo...........its always this way! My daughter never even said Happy Birthday to either of us and if she would have said something or done something it wouldnt be for me it would be for her Dad whom she absolutely worships.
I think too............a lot of this is because he works and I dont.
I dont really know why it is different but it seems to be that way.
On the other hand the other Mother in the family gets everything because her daughter is normal and more than doting.
It will be a very hard day!
My husband will probably do nothing.
Maybe a card which would be nice but I dare not count on it.
As for my kids if there is a dinner it will be shared with the other Mother and that will be pure misery for me.
She has lost her husband and she is out to get me in every way she can this is just her natural way...........shes always been like this. Im a fat no good grandmother now because I HAVE a husband!!!!!!!
There is no logic to any of it everyone knows that and no one sees what she is doing but me. She chooses her times like a pro and then lands her vile remarks to me with her blows...........bam bam bam!
Grieving and the disfunctional anger its bringing her way, I say disfunctional because of what she is doing with it. Im the only person in the family that would ever think of getting proffessional help since that is a form of dependence in their books.

Again didnt receive a card or a gift from this stepson or his wife. I babysit their child. Feed them so forth.......... nothing.
Texas. and Im sorry if naming names is wrong Texas is famous for its abuse to women and thats the truth. Im not saying everybody that lives here is that way. A lot of people here are not from here anyway. Nevertheless its part of the culture. I want to spell it out so people know what they are getting into when they do move here!!!!!!!!!!!!


Women are expected to work hard keep their mouth shut do the dishes, and leave the men alone to do whatever they feel like doing and I do mean anything!
Most of my husbands family on Mothers day woule expect the Mother to cook the meal just like always and cater to the men of the family just like always.........and at the end of the day the women would sit down and say what a wonderful day this way so much love!

I wish and I mean it, that I had some of this. This so called love and what I call it is blindness!!!!!!!!!!
I would give anything if all of this subsequent hate in my heart was gone for the way these men always treat their women.
But alas tis me tis me!
Im a B I know!

Sometimes I wish I could drink!

[SpinningHead]

Mother's Day bugs me for several reasons but I'll stick to "religeous reasons" for the sake of this post...

(Thank you for starting it! :) )

Experience #1:
As a kid, my mother used guilt/manipulation with me (maybe b/c I was the only girl??) and church validated it. Love your parents if you want to have a long life, screw up and it's curtains for you! :eek: Growing up is and still is hard to respect my mother at times for her choices, judgements and refusal to be responsible for her own life. On slaught of judgement from the church for those feelings! She victimizes herself for the boundaries I have with her (I limit our topics of conversations / time I spend with her / phone time) as she can be an energy vampire. One of the main reasons I spent two years in therapy...why couldn't I just tell her? I did, many many times! In one ear, out the other...it's be better for a little while, but back to the same old. When she finally figured out I was serious and I meant it...she didn't talk to me for 2 years! and told our whole family was a hurtful daughter I was! :eek: And b/c I was raised in the church, there was a whole lot of "religious guilt" .... "of all the people in the world God wants you to be the nicest to, is your mother!" or "God gave you to me to be here for me in every way." :eek: (Can you say....PRESSURE!!:eek: )

After much therapy and struggling to make our relationship better...it is. Although my boundaries are still in place, I've managed to get her to understand that they are there so we CAN be a better mother/daughter. My marriage isn't her marriage and my marriage IS my first priority regarding family. I can't be everything to her and God didn't put me on earth to satisfy her loneliness.


Experience #2
Hubby and I can't have kids (due to Hubby's disease - he's generally fine but all the meds made it so we can't have kids). We're also not in a financial position to adopt...nor (w/ hubby's illness) are we in a life position to raise kids.

I'm not saying it was my dream to have children...but it is sometimes painful the choice isn't there. I would marry hubby all over again even knowing what I know. But there are times when I see a child or family and just feel something.

Now I sit in church on Mother's Day and hear stuff like, "the greatest calling on a Woman's life is to be a mother"....and then one time I heard a double sermon on A) how you're supposed to treat your mother (no mention of how mom's are supposed to treat their children!) and B) you're not fullfilling God's purpose for your life if you don't have children.

I'm probably being too sensitive on the subject...I would've been a great mother! I don't go to church on mother's day.

Experience 3
Mother-n-law...don't even know where to begin! Let's just say that hubby usually goes to his mother's house and I usually get together w/ my mother and we meet up at the end of the day....every body is happy!....or happier that way.

Do you know how many times I've heard, "Well, you're the Christian and you have do X or think Y". X being "forgive me no matter how horrid I am to you" and Y is thinking "I'm the cream cheese on the carrot cake because I "gave" you my favorite son!"


I need this??? :eek:
I don't need this!!!! :cool:

[Theodora]

...for your courage in expressing some of your pain around this day. Will try to respond more personally when I can, but for right now I just wanted to offer a reference to an article I just found which validates some of the pain/dilemmas you've expressed. This is

Crucifixion amnesia: left out on Mother's Day - acknowledging grief and loss in church services
Christian Century, May 7, 1997 by Mary T. Stimming

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1058/is_n15_v114/ai_19417003

Beginning excerpt:

On Mother's Day I mourn my mother's untimely death. On Mother's Day I grieve my inability to bear children. On Mother's Day I need the comfort, strength and challenge of my faith--as well as the company of believers. On Mother's Day I will not attend mass.

I am not alone in my decision to avoid worship services on Mother's Day. Friends who have buried their mothers or who struggle to come to terms with their childlessness are making the same choice. As one whose heart is filled with sorrow on this day, I understand. As a theologian, I am deeply troubled.

(After commenting on some typical "rituals," she continues...)

But imagine how these rituals are received by the couple that has buried a child or experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth; the single person who longs for a spouse and children; the woman who has undergone an abortion or placed a child for adoption; the child who has buried a mother or is witnessing a mother's illness; the mother who is alienated from her children or the child estranged from his or her mother; the stepmother who has not yet found her place in the family or the mother not awarded parental custody. For these people, Mother's Day rituals accentuate the sense of loss. If we could acknowledge their losses in some fashion, they could brave these rituals--not without pain, but with the pain placed in a context of care and support. It is the imbalance that prompts many of us to stay home from church.

No real "answers" here, perhaps....but at least you know that you're not alone and that at least someone is aware of where and how churches have made things worse by their insensitivity. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please do continue to post as you feel comfortable doing so and know that I will be remembering you in prayer--

More as able---

Theodora


Just wondering what having this day to "mark" in our collective world does to you/for you? (If you're not in the U.S., is there an equivalent day where you live?)

Is it "triggering" of bad memories? (...and therefore implying that we've got some grieving to do?) If we're parents ourselves, do we question what KIND of parents we are and whether we're "deserving" of any "recognition" we might receive (or have received?) If we're parents, do our latent insecurities surface as we wonder whether we WILL be remembered next Sunday...or, if you're a dad...whether YOUR day will "measure up" as well when that Sunday arrives later on? (I happen to have one of the Cosby show episodes on DVD in which they deal with that topic. "Dr. Huxtable" takes his family to task for not having put thought into what they had given him in the past, modeling a fairly hilarious collection of "wearables" etc. with his comment..."This looks like you all had never met me...." or words to that effect.)

OR, or....????

Just wondering whether this might be something to look at this week.

Hornblower just told me about her plans for the day---as well as her sister's denigration of the effort---

(This is in her post in response to my morning greeting at http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=4248


Her comments about this--

I grew up with a Father that loved to talk and a Mother that barely ever said two words. If she did it always was hurtful and spiteful to me anyway it was. My Dad on the other hand always interested in evryone else and so interesting himself. What a shock to find after his death that most people were afraid of him because he was so smart and talented and again most people were in love with m y Mom because she never said anything but smiled and worked and fed tham and such. She was so shy bless her heart.
I hope you dont mind me talking about them. Its getting close to Mothers day and here it comes Theo.
I want to go out to their grave, already have half of their flowers I want to put out there. Nobody ever goes but me. My sister and my one friend think Im lame for doing this, they dont mind of course but they voice their remarks of why do you do that? Or "(some) people feel a need,(??????) I guess< sigh, me on the other hand..............." blah blah blah.
Makes me so mad. Reminds me of the complete lack of concern when they were alive. "Why do you feel a 'need' to do that???????" Like Im weird!

No---- I don't think that Hornblower is "weird" for wanting to do this! On the contrary, I'm PROUD of her for finding ways to do what SHE needs to do to mark the day.

((((Hornblower))))-- If you're reading this, please do continue to do what you need to do to process your own feelings and honor your parents in YOUR own way. From my point of view, your sister's response is just a way of trying to deny her own feelings and ANY kind of suggestion--implied or otherwise--that how she responded (or DIDN'T) to your family (and you!) was not "correct." FAR easier to just pooh-pooh what you see another doing than to dig deeper in your own being to acknowledge what you're feeling yourself and to find ways to deal with it.

Well..."'nuff" and more than enough for right now. As a mom, an adoptive mom (who met MANY "challenges" along the way and still feel that I didn't quite do that "right!") --and now a grandmother-to-be, I'm also still musing over the rather complicated relationship/non-"relationship" I had with my own mother, who died in 1995. I'm thankful that I've been blessed with a very sweet, very supportive mother-in-law who is still active and modeling beautiful Christian behavior and love at 90 years old. Will be working on some remembrances this week for her and some other folks as I can get to it.

Blessings to you all this day--

Theodora

[hornblower]

You know? I didnt even think about going to church. I used to love it when they'd hand out flowers to Moms.
You know what I think? I have a friend that is single by her own choice ok? She says not but grrrrrrrr it is her choice in a big way, anyway she used to cry on Mothers day and stuff like that because she wasnt going to have children. Now to me she doesnt know what that might mean for her....................... some children??????????????

course I know Im not supposed to ever say that either children are so precious all of the time arent they????????????????
and Mothers are always so precious making their little cookies and cakes and all of that sweet stuff??????????????????????????

Now me. Ok I can dig it but........why not have a single womans day and a single mans day!?! Why cant we all have a day where we are recognised if thats what its going to do to people? I would certainly say something on Mothers day about these types of things why not after all?
But does that mean we shouldnt be doing this at all?
Doesnt matter to me because I wont be going anyway but if I did I hope I get a flower...........might be the only one I get.
Im really joking about all of this and maybe its not funny at all.
You know the word says plain and clear we should not make one day any greater than another. I always try to remember that and treat every holiday as just another rotten day. Lol.:eek:

[sprout]

I would me honored to have any of you adopt me as my mom. I guess I dont put much stock in the 'Holiday" But if it gives me a chance to tell any of you how I value you as women who pray...then I'll take that and leave hallmark the rest.

[Willow]

I don't want to admit it... and really can't go into detail... but I am having huge problems with mother's day this year. Trying to keep my chin up anyway.

[Theodora]

I don't want to admit it... and really can't go into detail... but I am having huge problems with mother's day this year. Trying to keep my chin up anyway.

Do what you can to nurture yourself and honor your grief during this difficult time.

We love you.

Theodora

[newlife]

I personally don't have a problem with Mother's Day, but I do feel sympathetic for the ladies who are unable for whatever reason to have children...I've known some and that day is always a reminder to them of their situation. I knew one lady who would always stay home from church on Mother's Day because she couldn't bear the whole "Mother's Day scene"...the gifts for mothers, the sermon, the recognition of the "oldest", "newest", "youngest", "mother with the most children", etc., etc.

I remember hearing of a church that had an "All Daughters" Banquet instead of a Mother/Daughter banquet...I thought that that was very considerate because all females are daughters even if they're not mothers!

My husband and sons are not particularly good gift-givers...occasionally I'll get a gift, sometimes I get a card, sometimes I just get a verbal "Happy Mother's Day, Mom"! I used to love those little crafts that the kids made in Sunday school...I think I have everything that they've ever made me for Mother's Day. But I made a rule a long time ago...there are certain days that I DO NOT cook! My birthday, my anniversary, and Mother's Day! :D :D :D If they want to eat, they take me out!!! I don't really care where...some years it's just been a fast food restaurant, but at least I don't have to prepare the food or clean up afterwards! :D

I guess that for me my biggest joy of Mother's Day are those who made me a mother...I'm by far not the perfect mom, but I love being a mom and I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the honor and privilege to be a mother...though I have failed my children many, many times. My biggest regret is that we spent 10 years of their precious growing-up years in the cult and the affects that that has had on our family.

As far as my own mother, I always give her a card and flowers for Mother's Day. My mom loves flowers and ever since I can remember I've always heard her say, "If you can't give me flowers to enjoy while I'm living, I don't want you to put them on my grave when I'm gone." So, I give her flowers now for her to enjoy. And I will probably put them on her grave someday when she's gone as a remembrance of her love for flowers. My mother and I do have our issues, but I always try to put them aside for the day, realizing that I won't always have her around.

I also give my mother-in-law a card and flowers for Mother's Day. I love my mother-in-law! She has been the best mother-in-law and I am so thankful for her! She has never been interferring (that's probably the biggest reason why I love her! ;) ) and she loves me!!! She tells me that she considers me to be another daughter (she has two daughters and I'm her only daughter-in-law) and she is thankful that her son got me! :D She has been a good example to me of how to be a mother-in-law and I hope that my daughter-in-law (and possible future daughters-in-law) feel about me like I feel about her. I guess I must be doing a pretty good job at this "mother-in-law business" because my daughter-in-law did tell me recently that I was her "dream mother-in-law"! That made my day!!! :D :D :D

newlife

[newlife]

I don't want to admit it... and really can't go into detail... but I am having huge problems with mother's day this year. Trying to keep my chin up anyway.

That is VERY understandable, Amy...I'll be keeping you in my prayers...

(((((((((Amy))))))))))

Love, newlife

[SpinningHead]

I don't want to admit it... and really can't go into detail... but I am having huge problems with mother's day this year. Trying to keep my chin up anyway.

(((((((((Willow))))))))))))))

[aftermath]

I didn't know "Mother's Day" was coming up, but now that I do, I know mom will know exactly why I don't care. AHHAHHAHA. (sorry, laughing here cuz I don't intend to call her to tell that I don't need her anymore, nor her putdowns and instigations, I got God!!)

(Yes I am immature, thats alright :D )

(I am very happy I got God instead!!! :) :p :D :cool: :rolleyes: ;) :) :p :D )

[ninaspirit]

I don't want to admit it... and really can't go into detail... but I am having huge problems with mother's day this year. Trying to keep my chin up anyway.


for (((((((((((Willow))))))))))))) love ninas.

[Willow]

Thanks for the hugs ya'll. HUGS back :)

[jimsmuse]

((((((((aftermath)))))))))) I hear you, sweetie!:)

[hornblower]

well Ill jump on this one my little sprout:I would me honored to have any of you adopt me as my mom. I guess I dont put much stock in the 'Holiday" But if it gives me a chance to tell any of you how I value you as women who pray...then I'll take that and leave hallmark the rest.


My greatest heartache is my own daughter. For holidays she must get really sick in her mkind somehow. Its hard to understand her reactions. Believe me the money spent is nothing to me. I would love something anything handmade doesnt matter what it looks like or anything or even just a letter talking personally to me.

I think she gets bumfuzzled somehow. I know she wants to buy her Dad and me the world and then some. She feel's so bad about all of the help we are giving her and we dont want her to feel that way.

For whatever reason she has though she usually ends up not doing anything at all as if its not even happening. If we invite her to come alone to go out to eat like on out birthdays she will end up making us hours late.

All of it her illness, where she lives, the way she looks, the way she gets treated by other people, even the US of America and their governmental red tape and their foolishness, all of it is breaking my heart in pieces that I cant put back together.
I would love to have a daughter, one that talks to me Sprout. Doesnt yell at me. Doesnt tell me what to do. Heaven!:p

[yeshua'smags]

(((((((Aftermath)))))))

Sometimes unwise adults perceive childlikeness for immaturity. Don't let people make you feel that way! I knew what you meant.;)