from bitterness to . . .

[Florence]

I almost posted last night - wanted to process my growing feelings of bitterness but for some reason, couldn't put it into words. Read lots of other posts and was so encouraged . . .

As always, I start thinking I really am the guilty one and that I need to try to reach out to the people who have hurt me, to take on the guilt they are trying to heap on me, to try to "fix" it with apologies and compliments and attempts at reconciliation.

Then tonight it struck me - Instead of trying to prove that I'm not the wicked witch of the west, instead of taking on all that guilt and being their scapegoat, I should simply treat them the same way they treat me. Oh, nothing vicious or malicious or anything like that, but behavior that would indicate that I'm not the guilty party - they are!

I have always been the one to feel the guilt and the shame whenever these people would walk into the same room with me or sometimes even look at me. Why not look at them as though they are the ones who are guilty and shameful? I have always been the one to be ignored and shunned. Why not be the one to keep my distance and not go out of my way to try to prove my 'niceness'? In fact, why not go out of my way to not have to be nice - like pointedly leaving a room if they enter it?

I don't mean that I would be overtly rude or anything, but I would simply take the upper hand so to speak by assuming the same types of attitudes and behaviors they exhibit toward me. After all, the senior pastor seems to think that it's perfectly okay for people to treat me this way. If it's okay for other people to act like that - in fact, they do act worse than that. They really are rude and hateful and vicious and have worked hard behind my back to turn as many people as possible against me. And that's perfectly acceptable to the leadership.

The way I see it, I have nothing to lose and a lot of self-respect to gain. It occurs to me that perhaps fighting fire with fire might be quite healthy. Boy, I can't wait for Sunday to get here . . .

Have a great one, everybody!
Florence

[Savedbygrace]

Florence,

I am in such a similar situation right now. I know oh too well the taking the blame and responsibility for others actions. I often took responsibility for hte way my church shunned me after my husband took his own life.

I would be careful not to stoop to their level. I decided to have a sit down with the main culprit (my pastors wife) and tell her how she has hurt me and really abused me and others. I was brutely honest, but of course in the end, I was playing my old compliant self, trying to take ownership of her stuff.

Now I have decided, I am DONE. I will be attending a different church tomorrow. And I will continue to do so, until I find the right home for me and my kids.

Other than that, I am reading "Boundaries" by Townsend and McCloud. It is awesome. What you wrote in your post is to a tee the description of a compliant person, one who just blends into the environment as to not make waves... I recognize it well, cause it is me as well. The book talks about how compliants were never taught as children to say no to the bad things in life. We were never taught to "guard our hearts"

I have yet to get to the chapters that teach me how to set boundaries. I'll post more as I get there!!! :D

Anyway, I will be praying for you. Assert yourself, but do not sin. Just say how you feel - stand up for yourself. I have found from personal experience that playing games does not work for me. Just IMHO. Take it for what it is worth. I am curious as to why you stay at this church if you are having so much trouble and do not seem to agree with the way leadership is handling the situation. Is there something that is keeping you there? I am asking out of curiosity. I stayed for two years, trying to make it right. Now I am leaving. It is tough on me and my kids. I pray it is the right decision.

You are in my prayers.

[Jerry]

I often took responsibility for hte way my church shunned me after my husband took his own life.



I don't even have the mental machienery to process that statement properly!!!! Those people dare to call themselves Christians??????? They do lie and are of the "Synagogue of Satan" Am I judgeing harshly?????? Your damn right I am!!!!! :mad:
Peace to your spirit Trish,,,,,,,,,,Jerry

[Jerry]

Dear Florance,,,
Forgiviness does not equal Reconciliation,,,Christ said to turn the other cheek,,,,,He didn't say "Don't duck" ;)
Love Jerry

[Florence]

Jerry,
You are awesome - you must have years and years of wisdom that you just let leak out of you once in awhile. You can say in so few words what it takes me pages and pages . . . Thanks . . .

Trish,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am at work so I have very little time to respond right now, and, what with it being Sunday, I usually don't have a lot of time . . .

My situation seems a bit odd, I'm sure, but I work for a different church than I belong to. The church I work at has it's own set of major problems, but so far, I haven't observed blatant abuse here. I was hired by this church to help facilitate "moving forward" but it is not a church, at this point, that I am willing to subject the rest of my family to. They have gone through some bitter fights, lost many, many families, and are still entrenched in warring with one another. Mostly over worship style.

I have a husband and two teenage sons. The boys are very involved in a wonderful youth ministry at the mega-church we belong to and my husband, having grown up in the church, seems a bit more immune to the political workings, the abuses, etc. He's a quiet man who just wants to stay in the background. In fact, he has said that his ministry is to do whatever needs doing so that I can do what God has called me to do in serving through music and worship in the church.

The church I and my family belong to is the one that I am starting to wake up about. I was abused at a church several years ago now and my current church is the one that I and my family went to for healing. I must admit, I am very naive and really didn't see or want to see the bad things that were happening over the years - they seemed so trivial at the time and I had no idea they would be used against me a couple of months ago when I applied for a worship coordinator job at my own church. It is in processing that rejection, in being told I don't measure up, and in looking back over the past few years that I am finally able to see the politics, the abuses, the "you're the problem because you pointed out a problem", the "you need to measure up" stuff for what it is rather than just people being human.

I actually had to study the Boundaries book for a leadership class I took a couple of years back. It was instrumental in my pulling out of any service in my church - notably as the worship leader for the women's ministry. I only recently found out that my setting boundaries is part of what has made me a "bad" person - my absence made other people look bad.

I was telling my husband yesterday that it's like a jigsaw puzzle. There's a beautiful picture on the top of the box (the pastor preaches about this picture all the time - grace, forgiveness, no condemnation, etc.), but the reality is the pieces inside the box and many of them don't quite fit the picture on the top. For years, I tried to do things like the picture on the box said they should be done - be meek, humble, honest, transparent, confessing, forgiving and seeking forgiveness - all those things Christians are supposed to be. And I expected them to try to do those things as well. But, the pieces don't fit - they aren't those things. They never admit wrong, never ask for forgiveness, don't exhibit true meekness and humility, etc. The pieces in the box - the reality - doesn't look anything like the picture on the top of the box. As far as I can tell, I'm the only one who is even trying to make my pieces fit. And in the process, I am being told I'm the bad person.

Anyway, gotta get to work here - the worship team shows up in 10 minutes and I'm not set up!

By the way, at the risk of sounding really stupid, could someone tell me what IMHO stands for?

Thanks for the prayers.
Florence

[Savedbygrace]

Florence,

IMHO = in my humble opinion

Wow, the wounds run so deep it seems. I am blessed that it is only me and my two little ones (3 & 7) so leaving is a little easier for me. Although my son of 7 was crying last night when I told we were going to the new church again today. Having lost his father two years ago makes him ultra-sensative to change. But I am looking at it as an opportunity to show him what church should and shouldn't be. I pray that the change will be a positive one for him. It is easier for me to do, cause our old church was small (only about 100 active members, and not much of a youth ministry, it is just getting started) I feel the pastor and his wife feel they were called to grow this little church, and that is their mission. Unfortunately it appears that they are trying to do that at all costs (micro-managing the different ministries so that "we look good to the new members") It is bizarre how we can start out doing God's work and in the end we are just doing man's work, and not even notice the change.

Well, we are going through some pains of change. The new church I have chosen is larger (1200 members) The pastors seem on the outside to be humble and broken and have a true heart to serve the Lord and love the people. That was missing at the old church. When my husband died, the pastor and wife did not call on me to see if I was in need, they prayed for me but not with me. They took my calls and listened to my grief, but never followed up. Then the clintcher, when the only friend I had at the church was helping me with the kids, she was told that she was enabling me, and she needed to let me stand on my own two feet. I was a 33 year old widow with a 1 & 4 year old. She came and watched the kids for me so I could see my counselor, and helped me with the house, and just sat and listened to me cry and work through my grief. But that was enabling. Hmmmm.....

Enough about the abuse. I am starting a new chapter in my life now. I pray my kids will adapt, and that I will also. I want to find a church where I can serve the hearts of other women who are struggling, but also one that will encourage and support me through the battles I encounter. I know there are no perfect churches, but I hope to find an imperfect church that is willing to see their imperfection and to work on becoming more Christ-like.

Florence, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I pray that as long as you are staying at this church, you will be able to just keep your eyes on the Lord, and not on the imperfect peices of the puzzle. I would limit all contact with the unsafe parties, and pray for God to give you the abiblty to forgive them in your heart. The resentment will eat away at your soul if you let it.

But like Jerry said ......DUCK :D


Love,

Trish

[Emerging]

Hey (((all))), great thoughts and words here!

And in no way trying to rile things up, but several years ago when someone falsely accused me of being bitter ... it cut to the core. Because I wasn't "bitter" ... I was already soooo deeply wounded and it was SO obvious ... and instead of that person being man enough to show compassion and seek to lift me up, he chose to show hatred for me & my feelings and lash out, judging and condemning me with that awful word, "bitter".

All I've ever seen "bitter" used for is a way to kick someone when they're down ... right there that leads me to then wonder ....

Am I still triggering off this incident and this word? Or have I seen the light and set one heck of a very firm boundary on it's ever-so-frequent misuse?

[Florence]

Trish,
Hey, saw your post on the other forum about the church you went to today - how wonderful for you! May God use this place as a refuge and shelter where you can safely hide in the shadow of His wings and find rest and healing and hope.

I just composed a very lengthy email to the senior pastor doing just what you suggested - "Assert yourself, but do not sin. Just say how you feel - stand up for yourself." I seriously doubt that I will get a response - but I have peace in my heart knowing that I have said what needs saying and that I said it well.

I admire your strength and courage as you move forward. I can't imagine what it would be like to be faced with the things you have had to endure. Please know that this comes to you with hugs and prayers. Your children are blessed to have you for a mother.

Blessings,
Florence

[Savedbygrace]

Florence,

Ok, you are going to make me cry. Thanks for your kind words, they really help. I had to talk to a few more of the women from my old church today and explain why I will not be back. It was hard, especially because I wanted to give them the facts, and not bad-mouth anyone (although it is tempting to tell all) It is not my place, each will have to learn their own lesson.

That is awesome that you wrote that email. Like I was told - you did your part ... now how they respopnd is up to them, and really has nothing to do with you. Honestly, if the response seems abusive, delete it and do what I did, block them from sending you further responses. I do pray theat you will get some form of affirmation and the senior pastor can take some accountablility for his actions. But again, that really doesnt matter. You know what has happened, trust your instincts! Be free!!!

Thank you for the prayers and the hugs. They are much needed, and I will return the favor!


Trish

[Jerry]

Am I still triggering off this incident and this word? Or have I seen the light and set one heck of a very firm boundary on it's ever-so-frequent misuse?

Sometimes when we have been in the dark for a while and a light comes on,,,,,,,,,the light is just as confusing until our eyes adjust ;)
Love Jerry

[Savedbygrace]

Sometimes when we have been in the dark for a while and a light comes on,,,,,,,,,the light is just as confusing until our eyes adjust ;)
Love Jerry
Love that! Thanks Jerry, you are a man of few words, but the ones you use show such wisdom :)

Trish