codependency and addiction

[Willow]

OK... I guess I need to explore this concept a bit more. So... codependency causes inner pain that you need to numb with substance abuse? Please bear with me as I hammer this out. Because... I had been considering codependency just another form of addiction... not the source of addictive behavior. I had considered the desire to cover pain the source of the addictive behavior (of which codependency was just another expression).

Any thoughts? wisdom? opinions?

I need to add that this is critical for me as I am in danger of codependent caretaking behavior as I grieve with my dad. It's easy to get lost in his grief and neglect my own.

[apike]

Hi Willow, just brainstorming here too. So I could be way off here.

I think codependency causes problems/behaviors in relationships, distorts relationships. It makes me one down and others one up. Or vice versa.

It makes me give up my integrity and values to someone elses judgement. It cause consequences that hurt me. In a way I abandon myself. Which causes pain so I need to use a substance to relieve the pain. Which is further abandoning myself which causes pain... ad finitum.

Any of this behavior is allowing something outside myself to change what is really going on inside me. Which is the whole idea; to avoid or deny the issues that cause the pain.

Codependency is just something we use the same as substances.
Get rid of the other addictions and I am left with codependency. Get rid of codependency and I may be who God made me to be in the first place.

[hornblower]

Having lost my Mother and my Father and brother all in the last three years, for me grieiving doesnt have a time line. What I mean is.........I grieved a lot over my Father when he passed. I was very very close to him and still have hard time with it. I was taking care of my Mother at the same time. She lived with me we lived with her, they both had alzheimers. My Mother would completely forget that he was dead and start wanting me to take her to see him. I couldnt talk about him or not talk about him being dead because I always had to think about her and what it was doing. I needed my own space. I still do. I like to go to the grave, that helps me. Its lonely but I get a lot out that way. I talk about them or him to someone I can talk too even if they dont especially want to listen I figure tough! In the end the grieving was and is so strange it hits me at times I dont expect and I think it has a life of its own. I wrote about him. I dream about him. I talk to him sometimes in a weird sort of way. All in all I do the work. Nobody can stop me or did stop me, I wouldnt let them. Be strong my friend and just do what you feel you need to do. I fopund that my Mother was the only one who really understood my grief. Even though she closed off to grieving I could and did talk to her about it at times. Other times she grieved so much and so strnagely it was alarming to me.
Things like looking for him in the stranges places and the strangest times.
Also there was a group that invited me to come to it where he was buried and with hospice. Hospice is awesome in everyway. They can really help.
I also have this problem dealing with my daughter as she is sick and so she doesnt grieve normally and it hurts me a lot. I finally demand my own time and my own expressions when I need too.
I dont know if it helps you any to know all of this but Im just saying this to let you know Im here and I certainly understand how very painful this is. I dont know when it quits if ever. Im better, its not quite as bad since its been one year now. Its hard to go on I have been finding. It was very hard going on when I knew I would be going through it again with my sweet Momma. She was a little jewel. My Dad was a fiorce not to be seen again in my mind. My brother...........I dont know how to explain that. Theres only my sister now and I am working hard on our relationship. Im also getting ready to let go of that too if I need too.
Life is hard but dying sucks............I hate it and Ill be so glad to see it finally go......where all bad things go..........
oh I did start doing more drinking than Ive ever done in a long long time. Wine in the evenings to numb up and knock me out. Ive stopped now completely. I felt like Jesus was softly, firmly telling me..........hey hb you're beginning to have a little problem here and after all He isnt drinking that stuff any more until we get there soooooooooo
I stopped.
Started getting adicted to Him again. I was pretty mad at Him about the dying thing for a long long time.
Living this life ?????????:eek:

[Voyager]

Amy,

Have you ever read the book "Bradshaw on the Family" by John Bradshaw? If not, I think it would give you some of the answers you are looking for.

John :cool:

[Janice]

Started getting adicted to Him again. I was pretty mad at Him about the dying thing for a long long time.
Living this life ?????????:eek

Anger is a very NORMAL part of the grieving process. I lost 2 grandfathers, my father, and my father in law all in the course of one year.
The next year I lost a girlfriend who was 38 yrs. old.

Yes, it sucks!

I still miss them all terribly, and still cry over them at times. I can't wait till I see them on the other side!

Have yet ANOTHER funeral to go tonight. *sigh*

[Willow]

oh geez hornblower and Janice... that's rough to lose so much in a short time. I guess I'm doing the stuff I need to do and not running away. I am more focused on the living left behind than the departed at this point. Yesterday was the 2 mo. anniversary of mom's death. I think that may have dug up some grieving for both me and dad. Mar. 22 was also their wedding anniversary so dad had a lot to think about.

John... I'll add that book to my reading list. It seems like a good one... I haven't been focusing on reading lately... but doing a lot of writing and communicating. That seems to help more than reading.

apike... thanks so much for your input. That is the way I have understood codependency too. I think maybe there's more to it than I understand though.

Dear Janice... funerals are difficult. I will say a prayer for you sis.

HUGS
Amy

[Janice]

Dear Janice... funerals are difficult. I will say a prayer for you sis.

HUGS
Amy

Thanks Amy! You're a sweetie. :)