Home again - thanks

[Willow]

Thanks to you all for support and prayers.
HUGS
Amy

[Voyager]

Great to hear it Amy. How did it go with your dad? Is he making it okay?

:cool:

[butterfly]

:) Hugs to you Amy. Glad your trip was safe. butterfly shirley

[Janice]

WELCOME HOME!!

[SpinningHead]

How was it?

[Willow]

Daddy cried when I left. It tore my heart out. I still haven't recovered. I only saw him cry once in my whole life before mom died. Now he cries a lot. In one way... I'm glad he found his tears. In another way... it's devastating. I have today off work so I can just recover. I love my dad a lot and wish I could fix things for him. I work madly when I'm up there to make his house a little more comfortable. I cook food and fill his fridge. None of that can fill the hole in his heart. He said something about me slaving every time I come up there. Maybe next time I need to just chill with him in front of the TV. I just am so desperate to do something to help.

I'm very torn up today. I've discovered that I have to have a day off by myself after these visits. Otherwise I have a breakdown later in the week and call in sick. The thing that makes me most sick is that this is one thing in the world I can't fix. I can't fix mom and bring her back and I can't fix Dad. I can't turn into mom for him... I can't do anything to make it better. Still... I frantically try. I don't even know how to ask God to help on this one. I find myself talking to my dead mother more than I talk to God lately. I'm afraid neither can hear me... although I still hope they do.

On a positive note... dad does seem to keep himself busy. VERY BUSY. Just trying to keep his mind on other things besides the invasive thoughts of his loss.

[Willow]

I got a speeding ticket on the way up. :6

Big trucks scare me. I was behind a row of them carrying gravel and things that look like they might fall off on my car. I made a mad dash to pass the whole row of them. Going 76 in a 60 zone. Of course... that's the moment a police cruiser passed on the opposite side of the median. I didnt' even try to explain. I'll just pay the $159.00 and be done with it.

[Willow]

I'm really having a bad day today.
One of mom's friends sent me this poem mom had sent her mid-september. I wonder if she was thinking about suicide back then?

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

PLEASE READ THIS AND SEND TO EVERYONE YOU VALUE AS A FRIEND INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU, TO REMIND THEM THAT YOU CARE!!!

A few weeks ago a school teacher was killed in an auto accident. She was very well liked, so the school systems shut down for her funeral and it was on the news, etc. On the day her co-workers returned to work, they found this poem in their e-mail that the deceased woman had sent on the Friday before she left for home.

If tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you!
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand; she said my place was ready, in heaven far above and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye for all my life,
I'd always thought I didn't want to die; I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad; I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while; I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized that this could never be, for emptiness and memories would take the place of me; when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's Gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne,
He said, "This is Eternity and all I've promised you."

Today your life on earth is past but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow but today will always last; and since each day's the same way there's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true; though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free; so won't you come and take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart...

Send this to all those you care about... because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Show them how you care, before it's too late.

"Happiness is a Choice."
May God watch over you and your family now and always.
There is no right time to do the wrong thing... there is no wrong time to do the right thing.

Each of you has touched my life in a very special way. I thank God for each one of you and count it a privilege to call you a "Friend!"

God Be With You!

[Willow]

I know none of this has anything to do with spiritual abuse.

I do wonder what happened to mom in her childhood. She had symptoms of PTSD and OCD. Just like an abuse survivor. She never mentioned any abuse... but I do wonder.

[Janice]

Daddy cried when I left. It tore my heart out. I still haven't recovered. I only saw him cry once in my whole life before mom died. Now he cries a lot. In one way... I'm glad he found his tears. In another way... it's devastating.

Totally understandable!

I have today off work so I can just recover. I love my dad a lot and wish I could fix things for him. I work madly when I'm up there to make his house a little more comfortable. I cook food and fill his fridge. None of that can fill the hole in his heart. He said something about me slaving every time I come up there. Maybe next time I need to just chill with him in front of the TV. I just am so desperate to do something to help.

I think this is a great idea!!

I'm very torn up today. I've discovered that I have to have a day off by myself after these visits. Otherwise I have a breakdown later in the week and call in sick. The thing that makes me most sick is that this is one thing in the world I can't fix. I can't fix mom and bring her back and I can't fix Dad. I can't turn into mom for him... I can't do anything to make it better. Still... I frantically try. I don't even know how to ask God to help on this one. I find myself talking to my dead mother more than I talk to God lately. I'm afraid neither can hear me... although I still hope they do.

[B]I believe they both hear you.[/ Not being able to "fix" it all when someone you love is hurting is extremely frustrating.B]

On a positive note... dad does seem to keep himself busy. VERY BUSY. Just trying to keep his mind on other things besides the invasive thoughts of his loss.

Prayers continue.

[Janice]

[QUOTE=Willow]I'm really having a bad day today.
One of mom's friends sent me this poem mom had sent her mid-september. I wonder if she was thinking about suicide back then?


Isuppose it's a possibility. We both now how debilitating depression can be. All your questions and your feelings sweetie are perfectly legit!

I commend you for getting it all out instead of keeping those feelings locked away. GOOD FOR YOU ((((((((((WILLOW))))))!

[Jerry]

I'm really having a bad day today.
One of mom's friends sent me this poem mom had sent her mid-september. I wonder if she was thinking about suicide back then?

No,,,,she was loving her friend ;)
Love Jerry

[Reg]

Dear Amy,

Just to let you know I care. Words seem so insignificant at times like these, but that is all we have to share. May you always feel the warmth of God's love to carry you through the cold night.

Much love XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Willow]

Thanks Janice, Jerry - you're right... she loved to send email forwards to friends, Reg - hugs.

Thanks Voyager, Spinning Head, Everyone. I feel better after a lot of sleep. What a trip this has been.

Love yas
Amy