talking to Jesus

[hornblower]

Hi all wanted to tell you what Jesus has been saying to me today.
Started off He asked me what I thought about the salt shaker and the salt that poured out so easily?
Wow I guess its ok I said.
Do you know what people had to go through to give you that salt?
Wow! I sure had never thought about that.
Then He asked me how I liked my popcorn?
Yeah I love popcorn! So then my mind went through the indians a long time ago and how they must have grown corn and Thanksgiving and all of the tales that I know about how we got popcorn. Then also I started thinking about how I get popcorn now? Like where does it come from? Do people pick it? Ouch! Or do they operate machines that pluck those little suckers. Oh my gosh that doesnt sound like much fun either.
Gee thankyou whoever for making me some popcorn to pop.
Nope that wasnt the end of it.
Then He said to me, how about all of the people that maybe unknowingly but nevertheless did for you, just so you could live the life you now lead. He said to me, "I, Jesus I didnt have an iron to iron my clothes or a comfy chair to sit in, or a nice bed like you have. In my day to live like you would have meant that you were a king!"
I may be loosing you here and that would be a shame. I wanted to make it shut up too. I wanted to leave and not listen.

It all ended up though in Collosians 1 and 2. I was reading how Paul suffered for who???????????? Me! and if you want to believe it with me, you too!

I know I probably wont be much more thankful than I was yesterday. I try to be all of the time but you know I know I dont really appreciate what I have. This is what I got out of this that Ive never understood before now.
There are hundreds of saints that love me. Hundreds of thousands of precious saints that have even died for me just so I could be a Christian and go on with Jesus and have the things I have now. If it werent for them and Jesus I would be dead and much worse in hell right now. I know for sure I would be divorced. No way my husband and I would have gone through what we have with each other except we were spared somehow.
So my point is and I think His point is we 'do' have a church that loves us so much and they (the church before us) were kicked out too, or stomped on in some way or another. They suffer right along with us and they suffered for us. You know what? I have suffered for my kids and I have never even thought about it, but they do know God. Maybe just like Paul our suffering this strange persecution is for something like theirs was. Maybe its for the "church".:cool:

[Jerry]

Good Post :D

[Illuminated]

Maybe just like Paul our suffering this strange persecution is for something like theirs was. Maybe its for the "church".Every time I start to feel sorry for myself and question why I have suffered so much spiritual and emotional and psychological trauma, I am struck by the fact that no matter how much I suffer and hurt, Jesus suffered more and hurt more, FOR ME!

Then I don't feel like I have suffered so much after all.

Thanks for your post.

[ninaspirit]

Every time I start to feel sorry for myself and question why I have suffered so much spiritual and emotional and psychological trauma, I am struck by the fact that no matter how much I suffer and hurt, Jesus suffered more and hurt more, FOR ME!

Then I don't feel like I have suffered so much after all.

Thanks for your post.



we think some where it says Jesus experienced everything that ever happend to us when he died on the cross. when we think about it that way, we see that Jesus knows exactly how it is for us. ninas.

[SpinningHead]

That must have been some bowl of popcorn! :)

[Voyager]

The last time I thought I heard Jesus talking to me, I ended up in an abusive church. That's the last time I listened. As far as I know it could have been the devil talking.

:cool:

[SpinningHead]

we think some where it says Jesus experienced everything that ever happend to us when he died on the cross. when we think about it that way, we see that Jesus knows exactly how it is for us. ninas.

That's a really comforting thought. :)

[hornblower]

Voyager..........me too, thats why this is very scarrey to me to start taking to Him again. "AND" You are right it can be the devil for sure. I make sure I see what I think I hear God saying to me is in the word and based there.

Heres the thing though, I think in the beginning I became a Christian because I was lonely, looking for someone, something, beyond human experience because quite honestly my life is too complicated for any one human to help me.

I knew Jesus when I was a little girl. I used to talk to Him all of the time and Him to me too then. I was only nine I think. Then it began to scre me and I left Him. Big time mistake. I dont want to ever make that mistake again not ever.

Maybe this isnt the way it should be, I dont care if it isnt. This is exactly what I got in trouble for at that church, and everywhere I seem to go because I was listening. So? I dont care if its not right. The bible seems to say its right. "My sheep hear my voice and they follow me." What does that mean to you? Maybe Im not supposed to take the bible literally. I still dont care. A lot of people think Im crazy but you know I grew up with my Mother saying that to me constantly.........so lock me up. Its fine with me then I can talk to Him all of the time without any fear at all.

Please dont think Im angry at you Im not at all because Im surprised its not much worse and you arent yelling at me or ahting me or something. You are just being honest and I dont blame you for being honest. This is just my story.

Actually that is what makes me scared. Not being locked up because Ive been there, done that, and did it for myself just so I could get away from people.

Ive been persecuted for being different all of my life so whats one more time to me. Nothing. This is why I stay right here and just like this morning I am still hearing Him talk to me and I can get down and cry it all out at His feet. I can feel Him loving me and giving me everything I need just to make it through one day down here.

I agree with you that its dangerous. People kill people and say that God made them do it.
I dont understand how they can do something like that. How can God lead you to murder or lie or do anything that is not love? He is GOOD! How can He ever do anything that would hurt anyone? These people are definitely listening to the devil for positive dont you think?

Anyway I am still gonna listen as long as I can. Its helping me. Nobody else wants to be around me so??????????? I dont blame them either. Im way too angry, too hurt for anyone. If you dont want to listen to me dont I can completely dig it.

What Im talking to Him about may take me a long time to get over. ( I dont like people any more.) I especially dont like myself. I feel sorry for them and for myself but I dont love them or like them. They let me down and I let me down. I dont expect Jesus to do anything for me except tell me the truth and love me unconditionally. The unconditional part I have a hard time with. I yell at Him, hit Him sometimes, Im so angry. It was the first thing I did when my daughter was attacked was get in my room and start hitting Him!

It was ok. He's so strong He can let me do that to Him and Hes unmovable thats the amazing thing about Him. He was still there right there with me during all of those long days and worse nights.

Ok here is the triggering part so those of you that cant deal with this dont read it ok? Took me a long time to understand what you guys meant by triggers.

The other night I was watching the news and here was a little girl that had been sexually abused, and then a young woman that had been beaten to a pulp. It was all there right there on the news for everyone to see. I turned to my husband and told him. You see that woman there, that her boyfriend beat her up? My face looked a hundred times worse than hers when that happened to me and I didnt feel it because the guy that did it to me shot me full of some kind of a narcotic after he did that to me. I was shot up like that for two weeks because he had a key and would come over and shoot that stuff into me again and again. That way I was so out of it I wouldnt press charges . He was a doctor. Nothing happened to him even though my boss came and saw me and my own brother who I remember started crying when he saw me. My boss advised my brother to leave it alone and not do anything because it would just take the guys liscence away and he wouldnt be able to become a doctor. ????????????? So my brother didnt do anything. Nobody did and my roommate was so mad at me for not doing anything she never talked to me again.
I didnt know what was happening to me at all........I was drugged, I was beaten to a pulp, the only thing I remember was stars when he hit me the first time. I was trapped I couldnt run away from him he planned it. I broke up with him and he went nuts..........duh he was nuts!!!!!!!1

Jesus said to me in the middle of the night that night because my husband just shook his head at me like Dont talk about it let it go just shut it up about stuff like that............He didnt say that to me but he never says anything to me when Im remembering or hurting from anything..

Anyway Jesus said to me......."This is where all of the anger is coming from." I am screaming inside. Screaming screaming screaming. I may scream until I die. I hope Jesus can get me to trust Him enough to let Him hold me until the screaming is gone. Yep I hear Him right now and I hope I never let anything happen to me to keep me from hearing Him happens again.
Maybe because of people like me........maybe from just saying in a church somewhere that this kind of thing happened to me because its the truth and Im not hiding it any more then things like this can be on tv. Now people dont want to hear about it or see it. I know that. If we dont hide any more though then somebody has got to do something about it. They caught the guy that beat her up and he is in jail. They got the guy that abused this little girl and he is going to be prosecuted. He was a soccer coach for little girls and all of the little children he has done this too are coming out of the woodwork now.

By the way I didnt tell any of this at that church, I know better, they couldnt even handle me simply asking for prayer for my dauhgter and then wanting me to tell them what happened to her so I told them....... Big MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!
BIG MISTAKE FOR THEM NOT ME!
Sorry Im screaming again. Hope it stops soon. Have some patience with me.

[Illuminated]

Sorry Im screaming again. Hope it stops soon. Have some patience with me.DON'T STOP SCREAMING!!!!! Keep screaming!!!! We are here to listen to you scream!:D

Your husband is not trained to deal with your anger. :( Can you afford counseling, or is there a local woman's support group you can join?

About hearing Jesus talking to you - What a blessing! Jesus died to take away your pain. It is ok that you have always been a little weird. I have talked to people who hear from Him so much, myself included, that sometimes we want to put our fingers in our ears and say 'I can't hear you...I can't hear you!' As long as what you hear is glorifying God or ministering to you, then you can be assured that you are hearing from Jesus. When you doubt what you heard is from Him, just ask Him if it is from Him, and He will tell you in one way or another.

I am listening with you!;)

[hornblower]

Illuminated thankyou so much for responding to me. It feels so good to hear what you said. I was in counseling, but you know it was getting so expensive. It was this guy that just sat there and listened. He was nice but I dont need that.
I need answers. I want to get better not stay where I am. Im getting so old now Illuminated that man this stuff should just be gone for me. I should be over it. In some way though I think its worse than ever. I dont know what to do with it. I feel it in my bones right now having said this to you that I should be going to Jesus with it all.
This is what I'm saying..........I dont want to be the way I am any more. I wish with all of my heart that I wasnt me. What do I do about that? I shouldnt be coming here and dumping all over you or anyone else. Why am I not like my husband? Why cant I forget about all of this stupid stuff that happened to me? Truth is I blame my daughter because she shows up here and starts her crazy making and then it begins again, all over again every time. Over and over I go through this same thing. She shows up and I remember all of the bad stuff. I talked to that counselor over and over again about this and he just sat there Hhhmming like they do. If you have ever been to counceling you know what I mean I used to go to a lady who was at least human. She talked to me and listened to me until she eventaully couldnt take it any more and she started falling asleep.
I wish someone would come and slap some sense into me or something.
Am I stuck in a feel sorry for myself trap?
I cannot get over the fact that my daughter has been hurt and now she is ill and I cant do a d---- thing about it.
I hate to say this but why is God letting this happen to me? To her?
I already know what Ive heard Him say to me about it but it doesnt get me over the anger.
I just keep pounding away at Him. I shouldnt I should grow up like Joyce Meter says but maybe I dont want too I guess I dont because here I am again in all of this pain.
My daughter is here again and weve just finished her and my screaming match and Ive told her to get out!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bottom line thing she is in my house and she wont do what I want her to do so get out of my house, thats it! My parents said it to me and now Im saying it to her. Im scared to death of what might happen to her when she is out on her own because she is so nuts but what can I do?
She is bound and determined to do everything the way she wants it done. I cant make her see what she is doing is wrong but to me its her choice.
She wants me to sew her stuff but then she wants to go and spend money she doesnt have while I cook for her, sew for her take care of her dog etc. and her Dad foots all of the bills for her. I say no way if she doesnt do it our way then hit the road..........out you go. Sick or not sick there has got to be a limit to what I can do and stand doesnt there? I say all of this then when she is gone Im sick.
Whats wrong with me? I know most women go through this when their kids leave but did they see her attacker in a shut up elevator when she was not quite six years old and stay up all night seeing his face over and over again? Take their little girl unconscious into a hospital room to have some doctor look at her to see if she had been raped?
This is what that church couldnt handle and I didnt even say this to them. I didnt tell them all of this.
Then evidently they went to the preacher and told him that I wouldnt shut up about it and it was upsetting them.
IT WAS UPSETTING THEM!
She is the one that is sick!
I am the one that is living through it.
I can never talk to anyone again, not really.
Why did God let this happen to me? To her? Why?
Its my fault. I prayed and I told God that I wanted to go all of the way with Him no matter what the cost. I swore to Him that I would. I have gone that way and the truth is just like at that church, I cant do it and be like He was. He was so strong and I cannot be like Him. He died for them and I cant do it.
I wont do it.
I hope He never leaves me because I dont want to live without Him but I can never be holy like that not even the slightest bit close to it. I get so mad at my own daughter and I can't seem to handle even one day of living down here. I would go to a support group if it didnt cost me an arm and a leg. What kind of a support could there be for someone like me anyway though?
I thought this was a support group here, is it not? Am I offending people here? If I am I dont want to do that I will go if thats the case without one angry feeling towards anybody honestly.
I know I am harmful to others I do!
Poor Theo she knows me. Sorry I should be writing this in a stupid journal shouldnt I? Maybe its so long it wont post haha. Got to go anyway my back is killing me, burning all over. You know I dont know how to type and I cant see in here anyway.

[Illuminated]

I thought this was a support group here, is it not? Am I offending people here? If I am I dont want to do that I will go if thats the case without one angry feeling towards anybody honestly.
I know I am harmful to others I do! Sorry I should be writing this in a stupid journal shouldnt I? I agree that this is a support group, but it is really hard to hug across the miles, and you have to wait for our responses which just adds to the stress and feeling of loss of control. Bummer.

You are certainly not offending me! I think you are very brave to spill your heart to us. That is what friends are for, anyway!;)

I don't think you are harmful to others, silly woman!:p

I hate writing in journals. I have not been able to write a journal about my experience. Consider this forum your journal.:)

I'm not an expert in counseling, but I have been through enough to suggest that you are not healed yet from the double whammy of your daughter being hurt, and then you being hurt by your church. There might be some free counseling that you can take advantage of. Keep looking and asking questions. It sounds like the other two counselors were not helpful to you at all.:mad:

I wrote a response to you in another thread....Keep talking!!!!

[butterfly]

:) [[[[Hornblower]]]]]]]
I don"t have time to respond to your thread right now.
I suffer from depression and caretaker burn out at the moment. So I must limit my time here on the forum.
I just want to let you know sometimes I don"t reply to post not because I don"t care its just I am not feeling good and have no energy to respond. I do peak in and read posts.
I am sorry you went thru all the stuff you have.
I have had abuse in my lifetime.
It s very hard for me to trust GOd. butterfly

[Satscout]

I need answers. I want to get better not stay where I am. Im getting so old now Illuminated that man this stuff should just be gone for me. I should be over it. In some way though I think its worse than ever. I dont know what to do with it. I feel it in my bones right now having said this to you that I should be going to Jesus with it all.

You ARE going to Jesus with it - and we get to be "Jesus with skin on".

"I should be over it" is one of the biggest lies-from-the-pit-of-hell-and-they-smell-like-smoke that I have ever heard. Some things take a long time and some you don't ever "get over". I don't have answers, but anyone who feeds you that line is giving you a major cop-out. They don't want to deal but are too chicken to say so, so they say the problem is with YOU.

*gentle hugs* I wasn't going to post this morning but that struck a nerve.

[Jerry]

Satscout is exactly right,we don't "get over" anything...What we do is learn to do"function through and in spite of"...... ;) and that really is the best way. If I don't take what I have learned about people through previous experience,and apply that lesson to my current situtation,,,,,then of what possible value am I to myself ??????
Love Jerry

[hornblower]

Oh Gosh Scatscout, Ive never ever thought that maybe it was ok to be like this. I dont know if anyone actually told me to not be this way. Well Joyce Meyer did, haha. All of those others that preach do. To me it was always shut up! Come to think of it its always been that way whenever I felt bad my Mother would always say think about the birds or something like that. It always hurt me so much. Then of course my husband and my daughter tell me this too. I know they are in big time denial about everthing that happened to my daughter. They were when it happened. I saw the entire incident. The man or rather kid that did this to my daughter, I can see him as clearly now as if it was just yesterday. He had already murdered one little girl. He ran into me as he was trying to escape. Its a long story so I wont go into it just believe me I still can see him. There was no denial with me or so I thought. I tried to shout it from the rooftops because thats what I read in the bible that God was sort of telling me you know? The preacher sent down an edict to the entire church that no one was to know whow the little girl was. So people would come to us and say, "Did you know about that little girl?" Nobody called us to help us out. I was so sick. I sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried. My poor little girl came and would put cloths on my forehead. I felt so ashamed about that. She seemed to be doing fine but me? I was a basket case.
Ive had only one doctor tell me that the way I reacted should have been the way everyone reacted to the incident. That way she would see that it was a CRIME! The only thing she has ever asked me about it was she came in my room and said to me Mom, what did I do to him? Took me awhile to realize she was blaming herself for him attacking her. She thought she had made him mad at her. They had never seen each other before. He had never been to our church.
I tried to get counseling at that church too. When I did one man asked me how my sex life was? Then my husband and myself went to the pastor for help. That was a joke. He asked both of us how our sex life was?????????? Then he told my husband that in order for us to keep our house clean that we should store things in little cardboard boxes and that it was too time consuming for me to sew.

NOBODY and I do mean nobody has ever faced what has happened to her. Its no wonder she is sick.
It kills me that she to this day still has no friends, not one person ever ever calls her to see how she is........... nothing.
When I told my last councelor these things he would just stare at me. Shrug his shoulders like so what do you want me to do??????? It was just his job I could tell. I think I went and payed him as sort of my own punishment. That and as a way to be saying to my husband in check form :rolleyes: now you will pay for not talking to me. Which he gladly does.

So anyway you are saying we will never get over this happening to us, all of this miserable mess.
Ok but what about how the bible says forgetting the things in the past and pressing on toward the mark the prize............you know the preachers I listen too say that means to let it go and stop thinking about it go on and think positive.
What do you and Jerry think that verse really means?
So anyway Im still kind of in shock that anyone wrote back to me. Not that you guys arent very good people. You are all the best! Ive always felt that way about you and this place. Ive just thought like butterfly I cant post sometimes because its so very hard to do.
Do you remember me scatscout from a long time ago? I think I remember you.
You have such a unusual picture there. Im so into art you know and I love stuff like that. I love your picture. For some reason it reminds me of Johnny Depp. I love Johnny Depp. Haha. Probably whats wrong with me right?
Anyways I love you and thanks. Ill be thinking on what youve shared with me here.

[hornblower]

Butterfly, youve helped me in just what you are saying here thankyou so much for rresponding and please take good care of you.:)

[Pinkie Pie]

Hi Hornblower,

This is the FIRST time I have ever READ or HEARD anything about what Christ did for me so I could be a Christian, that wasn't laced with guilt or condemnation or shame or made me feel guilty or ashamed or like "Give me a break" or any number of negative feelings, even though I've been saved for almost 20 years!!!!!

Thank you for sharing that. It was so comforting and for the first time I was able to receive it and feel loved, not shamed into serving God because "just think of everything He did for you." It didn't even trigger me! Now that says volumes!!!!!

PS: I had never thought about it, but you are right, Paul suffered for me too. That was so enlightening. The thing I am learning about when Jesus speaks, vs. the devil, (I too got confused about that, Voyager, and gave up trying to "hear" God's voice. I finally decided, if there is something He wants me to know, He is perfectly capable of telling me). And if it birngs peace, not confusion or shame, my own thought on that is, if it brings peace, it comes from the Prince of Peace. If it does not bring peace, if it makes me feel bad about myself, or guilty, it's some dummy's flesh or it's the devil (or RELIGION). Just my own 2 cents.

[Satscout]

Oh Gosh Scatscout, Ive never ever thought that maybe it was ok to be like this. I dont know if anyone actually told me to not be this way. Well Joyce Meyer did, haha. All of those others that preach do. To me it was always shut up!

How can we be heard if we are silent? And who wants us silent? And why?

NOBODY and I do mean nobody has ever faced what has happened to her. Its no wonder she is sick.

:mad: :mad: :mad: *insert favorite expletives here* The things people are willing to let innocents suffer for their own image's sake... :mad:

So anyway you are saying we will never get over this happening to us, all of this miserable mess.
Ok but what about how the bible says forgetting the things in the past and pressing on toward the mark the prize............you know the preachers I listen too say that means to let it go and stop thinking about it go on and think positive.
What do you and Jerry think that verse really means?

I never said you will "never get over it"... just that those who use the line "get over it!" are usually copping out because they don't want to deal with someone else's pain. And that verse has nothing to do with dealing or not dealing with your pain: Paul was talking about all the successes and achievements he had accomplished, and not to sit on your laurels but to "press on" towards what God has called you to do. Sometimes pressing on means dealing constructively with what God has allowed to come into your life. For example, some friends of mine at church had a baby six months to the day after my Andrew was born. She is a beautiful little girl. She has Down syndrome. Their lives have never been the same. One consequence of this is that the mom is now involved in a Down's advocacy group. And I have been involved in autism resources because of Andrew that I would probably never have given a second thought if not for his problems. Not to mention all the cool people I have met because of chronic illness.

This is not at all to minimize what you are going through or say that God wanted it to happen. He in his sovereignty allows things to happen, and gives us the grace to have something good come out of things that are very, very bad.

Do you remember me scatscout from a long time ago? I think I remember you. You have such a unusual picture there. Im so into art you know and I love stuff like that. I love your picture. For some reason it reminds me of Johnny Depp. I love Johnny Depp. Haha. Probably whats wrong with me right?
Anyways I love you and thanks. Ill be thinking on what youve shared with me here.

Hmmm... Sailor Saturn... Johnny Depp... *thinks* The only Johnny Depp role that I can come up with where he has that much purple on is in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... His version of Willy Wonka - now there is a character who never "got over it", with a vengeance. :rolleyes:

(((((hornblower))))) Yes, I remember you. And there is nothing wrong with liking Johnny Depp. Just ask Amber. ;)

[Hope 98]

Hornblower - I really feel for you. Your story is sooooo much like my own. I am sick to death of all the "professional" charging outrageous sums to make things WORSE!

Keep writing - keep talking - keep looking - and most of all keep listening to Jesus.

Jerry is right - we don't "get over" anything, the best we can do is learn to live with it. As many say - the only way through it is through it.

[Jerry]

Ive had only one doctor tell me that the way I reacted should have been the way everyone reacted to the incident. That way she would see that it was a CRIME! The only thing she has ever asked me about it was she came in my room and said to me Mom, what did I do to him? Took me awhile to realize she was blaming herself for him attacking her. She thought she had made him mad at her. They had never seen each other before. He had never been to our church.
I tried to get counseling at that church too. When I did one man asked me how my sex life was? Then my husband and myself went to the pastor for help. That was a joke. He asked both of us how our sex life was?????????? Then he told my husband that in order for us to keep our house clean that we should store things in little cardboard boxes and that it was too time consuming for me to sew.

NOBODY and I do mean nobody has ever faced what has happened to her. Its no wonder she is sick.
It kills me that she to this day still has no friends, not one person ever ever calls her to see how she is........... nothing.
When I told my last counselor these things he would just stare at me. Shrug his shoulders like so what do you want me to do??????? It was just his job I could tell. I think I went and payed him as sort of my own punishment. That and as a way to be saying to my husband in check form :rolleyes: now you will pay for not talking to me. Which he gladly does.


Dear Hornblower,,,,
I can't believe( I do believe you ) but I can't believe how poorly all of this was handled :mad: I read here what transpired and say to myself,,,,,,,,,,"WHAT" in disbelief............I had to read this three times for it to sink in......First ,,,,You and your husbands sex life has nothing to do with the attack on your daughter...Second,,,,Rape is NOT a sex crime,,,it IS a crime of violence.....Third,,,,I would have told the "Shoulder Shrugging Counselor" to shove his bill up his ass..

I get the idea that no one has ever been punished for this Crime against your daughter. This man that attacked your daughter is a Murderer,,,as such he is precluded from Salvation while in the flesh,and should be dispatched to the Father to await judgement...I know that many Christians would disagree with me.I don't care so be it....I feel that because your daughters assailant was not punished for his crime,,,that you are on some subconscious level exacting that punishment on yourself unaware (not that you feel guilt) as much as the desire to somehow ease her pain by punishing someone,,,anyone,,,,even yourself.The subconscious does not deal in terms of right or wrong,,,,it is much more abstract than that and only tries to produce results. Since there is no one to punish,,,that unmet desire is turned inward....I do so wish that your family would have received proper and well educated crisis management assistance.Not that you wouldn't have scars but at least be past the raw pain :( I'll be praying for all of you........
Love Jerry