hornblower
03-10-2006, 10:41 AM
Ive been facing some things this morning. First thing. Ive been suffering from some form of abuse since the day I was born. Its true its really honest to God true. Maybe not as bad as some people but bad enough ok? Bad enough for me. I went into therapy when I was about twenty I think for the first time. When I did I would pass out because it was like an iron door trying to open. I literally couldnt remember just a few years before I was twenty the pain was so bad and I never knew to talk about any of it. Nobody was interested in me I didnt think and nobody in my family ever talked about pain to my knowledge. Any kind of pain really, physical or emotional for sure.
So why am I telling you this? Ive been talking to Jesus this morning. At one point in therapy...(years later than when I was in my twenties)...... I learned gestault. I think thats what you call it. Where if youve got to deal with something like you are angry with someone or you dont understand them or whatever, you simply place a stool or chair in front of you and you talk to them. It works I dont know how but it works for me.
So some years later when I became a christian, actaully I did become one at about this same time when I was in that one group therapy situation. I did gestault with Jesus.
Now some people think Im sort of spiritual but actually Im just practical and this is the way I look at being a Christian. Either its real or it isnt. Either its all true or its a fairy tale of mamoth proportions. Doesnt really matter to me because and Im just being honest here, I dont have a lot to loose. I agree with Peter when he said to Jesus where else am I going to go???????? You are the only one with the message of eternal life. Peter looked around and there wasnt much else happening for him in his life, a lot like mine, and so he followed Him.
So as I am saying here Ive been following Him for over thirty years now. The Lord has been saying to me this morning that Ive gotten to the point where I think I know something..............:rolleyes:
Ok it was kind of a joke to Him too.
Anyway........back to it. I havent done this gestault thing with Jesus in a long long time. Yesterday I read in the bible that we would see Him again. That He would be gone and then He would come back to get us. BUT! That in the meanwhile He would be in us and we would be in Him and we would be together and not only that but He would send us a helper, a counselor to help us out and that He this counselor would lead us into all truth and He this counselor would show us all kinds of neat things all kinds of stuff and whatever we want all we have to do is ask Him and He will give us anything we want.
Yeah He said all of that stuff in there Ill look it up and tell you where it is if you want to know.
So as Im saying Im talking to him because this kind of a trigger thing happened this morning with my husband. He has this situation at work and he was telling me about it its all very stressful and it reminded me of this horrible abuse I went through at one of my jobs years ago............which reminded me of the abuse I went through in highschool.......... which reminds me of the "biggy" the church abuse I went through about seven years agao which has all but frozen me.
Im telling you all of this and I know I talk way too much ok :eek: but Im hoping maybe it will help someone else, like Im hoping this is going to help me and Im just starting on this so bear with me.
Jesus this morning asked me........"How come you go to everybody else except to me with all of your anbuse situations?"
Now I didnt have an answer really cause I didnt know the answer but Im here to tell you this is what came out. He didnt just ask me once either He kept on asking me.
Heres the answer the way it finally came out of me.
"You Jesus dont stop the abuse ever!!!!!!!!! If You are God then why dont you and why didnt you stop it?"
Then He said "How do you know that I didnt stop it?"
I didnt have a response except I do remember this one time that a guy had a gun up to my head in a closet fixing to shoot me because he was afraid I might tell everybody what he had told me........I wont go into it but obviously Im here and he didnt pull the trigger.
There were a lot of times that maybe I should have died and I didnt. My own daughter should have died and she didnt when she was attacked in that church.
So ok I dont know that much.
In fact Im beginning to see I dont know anything about Jesus and what Hes really done for me.:(
Then He said Tell me about your abuse and I said No I dont want too You know anyway why tell you?
This is what He said to me.
I quote:"Did you know.........that I died so you could come here and talk to ME?" He said, "Did you know I died for a lot of people to come and talk to me but they dont. They are too busy. Then they want Me to fix stuff for them. Do you know what I have to go through in order to fix things for you?" " I had to die......on a cross for one thing and be beaten all night long and come down here and leave My Home to come for you."
Then He said to me........"You dont tell me your abuse, I dont tell you Mine."
Then me being me........I said "I dont really want to know about Your abuse Jesus! It scares the living stuffing out of me." To which I think I heard it didnt exactly make Him calm.
Ok this is getting long so Ill start another thing onto this cause I dont want to loose it.
So why am I telling you this? Ive been talking to Jesus this morning. At one point in therapy...(years later than when I was in my twenties)...... I learned gestault. I think thats what you call it. Where if youve got to deal with something like you are angry with someone or you dont understand them or whatever, you simply place a stool or chair in front of you and you talk to them. It works I dont know how but it works for me.
So some years later when I became a christian, actaully I did become one at about this same time when I was in that one group therapy situation. I did gestault with Jesus.
Now some people think Im sort of spiritual but actually Im just practical and this is the way I look at being a Christian. Either its real or it isnt. Either its all true or its a fairy tale of mamoth proportions. Doesnt really matter to me because and Im just being honest here, I dont have a lot to loose. I agree with Peter when he said to Jesus where else am I going to go???????? You are the only one with the message of eternal life. Peter looked around and there wasnt much else happening for him in his life, a lot like mine, and so he followed Him.
So as I am saying here Ive been following Him for over thirty years now. The Lord has been saying to me this morning that Ive gotten to the point where I think I know something..............:rolleyes:
Ok it was kind of a joke to Him too.
Anyway........back to it. I havent done this gestault thing with Jesus in a long long time. Yesterday I read in the bible that we would see Him again. That He would be gone and then He would come back to get us. BUT! That in the meanwhile He would be in us and we would be in Him and we would be together and not only that but He would send us a helper, a counselor to help us out and that He this counselor would lead us into all truth and He this counselor would show us all kinds of neat things all kinds of stuff and whatever we want all we have to do is ask Him and He will give us anything we want.
Yeah He said all of that stuff in there Ill look it up and tell you where it is if you want to know.
So as Im saying Im talking to him because this kind of a trigger thing happened this morning with my husband. He has this situation at work and he was telling me about it its all very stressful and it reminded me of this horrible abuse I went through at one of my jobs years ago............which reminded me of the abuse I went through in highschool.......... which reminds me of the "biggy" the church abuse I went through about seven years agao which has all but frozen me.
Im telling you all of this and I know I talk way too much ok :eek: but Im hoping maybe it will help someone else, like Im hoping this is going to help me and Im just starting on this so bear with me.
Jesus this morning asked me........"How come you go to everybody else except to me with all of your anbuse situations?"
Now I didnt have an answer really cause I didnt know the answer but Im here to tell you this is what came out. He didnt just ask me once either He kept on asking me.
Heres the answer the way it finally came out of me.
"You Jesus dont stop the abuse ever!!!!!!!!! If You are God then why dont you and why didnt you stop it?"
Then He said "How do you know that I didnt stop it?"
I didnt have a response except I do remember this one time that a guy had a gun up to my head in a closet fixing to shoot me because he was afraid I might tell everybody what he had told me........I wont go into it but obviously Im here and he didnt pull the trigger.
There were a lot of times that maybe I should have died and I didnt. My own daughter should have died and she didnt when she was attacked in that church.
So ok I dont know that much.
In fact Im beginning to see I dont know anything about Jesus and what Hes really done for me.:(
Then He said Tell me about your abuse and I said No I dont want too You know anyway why tell you?
This is what He said to me.
I quote:"Did you know.........that I died so you could come here and talk to ME?" He said, "Did you know I died for a lot of people to come and talk to me but they dont. They are too busy. Then they want Me to fix stuff for them. Do you know what I have to go through in order to fix things for you?" " I had to die......on a cross for one thing and be beaten all night long and come down here and leave My Home to come for you."
Then He said to me........"You dont tell me your abuse, I dont tell you Mine."
Then me being me........I said "I dont really want to know about Your abuse Jesus! It scares the living stuffing out of me." To which I think I heard it didnt exactly make Him calm.
Ok this is getting long so Ill start another thing onto this cause I dont want to loose it.