Just need a little encouragement

[Pinkie Pie]

Well I am trying not to panic. As usual, my first thought is, "...but I was doing so WELL!....."

My pastor and wife are going to be gone for almost 3 weeks. The first time since I've joined the church almost 4 years ago, that they have been gone that long (much needed vacation). Till now, the longest they've been gone at one time is a week, and then only a couple of times a year. I certainly don't begrudge them their time away, they encourage everyone to take time off from the church to be with family, take vacation, etc. and they certainly deserve it.

Plus they are very supportive of my "separation anxiety" and "fear of abandonment", but I still feel it! Has a lot to do with old church, with the "pastor" cancelling church every few months. Also of how the leaders would act in his absence (which was bad enough in his presence!) Plus old childhood issues.

I keep repeating that mantra "I'm in a different place..", but the closer the time gets to them leaving (just a couple of weeks) the more agitated and anxious I get. I trust the leaders, I've been there long enough to know they are stable and not flaky. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "What's next? They'll leave for a couple of weeks, be back. Then later down the road, it will be 3 weeks, then 4 weeks, then FOREVER!"

All of which is completely illogical. I get so mad, I think, "Just when I get to where I feel I can relax and know that everything is going to be alright, BAM, something happens and my guard goes up again." I feel that old instinct of wanting to pull back and pull into myself to protect myself before I get hurt. Everything suddenly looks like a sign of doom, things I'd worked through already (e.g. someone happens to not talk to me at church, it suddenly means "They are going to turn on me I just know it"). Major paranoia right now. :eek:

I'm trying to be a little lighthearted about it, but really I am very upset. If anyone has anything encouraging to say I could sure use it. I'm so tired of revisiting this issue.

[Theodora]

...I think that the very fact that 1) you ARE able to post about this and 2) are able to be articulate about your fears means that your fears are NOT "running your life" right now....for want of a better term. GOOD JOB!!!

I'm not sure if this will help you, but what is coming to mind right now is the experience of having heard Suzanne Simon, an abuse survivor, speak at a workshop on ...??? "Forgiveness, " I think...but I also later attended one of theirs on self-esteem issues. Her husband, Sydney Simon is an internationally-known leader in "Values Clarification" issues, and fairly well-known author. (He is a psychiatrist.) In any case, what I'm remembering which might pertain to your situation is Suzanne's comments about her own "telling her story." No...it's not pleasant to keep "revisiting" these issues, BUT, the good news is that each time you do so, there's a little LESS pain attached to it and you can continue grow sort of "apart" from all that's being triggered in you. (My words...not hers...but sort of paraphrasing the thought as I remember it.)

So...do please keep posting as you're able to do so and know that you DO have my "ear" and my compassion for all you've gone through.

Beyond that....in my experience, though it IS frustrating to have "old" issues keep coming up, for me...it's just sort of a signal that there's a bit more work to be done with some new tools at hand, or as issues receive new "light" from their connection(s) to a new situation. It's NOT that we haven't done a "good job" the FIRST time around of doing the WORK of healing, but that...to use an oft-used analogy--we've just peeled back a layer or two of the outer "skin" of the problem and now are needing to work a bit more at some other parts of this (stinky!) "onion!"

Grace and peace to you and yours this day, dear one!...and DO..."remember to breathe!!!"

Theodora

P.S. I've shared the source of that little bit of advice re "breathing" before, but, in a nutshell, this comes from having seen an old TV program some years back now in which a stunt cowboy had performed an incredible trick of going underneath a stagecoach while it was being pulled by horses at a full gallop. Unbelievable risk! Astounding...and never repeated by any other stunt actor. Asked HOW he was able to do such a thing, he, being a really "laid-back" sort....drawled out...."Waaaallll.....ya hafta remember to BREATHE!!!" And...I've now used that as a kind of visual metaphor...as I note that, when stressed, I DO tend to breathe more shallowly and that that tension does, in turn, make EVERYTHING more stressful/"fearful" etc. Blessings to you now....you'll be OK!!!

Well I am trying not to panic. As usual, my first thought is, "...but I was doing so WELL!....."

My pastor and wife are going to be gone for almost 3 weeks. The first time since I've joined the church almost 4 years ago, that they have been gone that long (much needed vacation). Till now, the longest they've been gone at one time is a week, and then only a couple of times a year. I certainly don't begrudge them their time away, they encourage everyone to take time off from the church to be with family, take vacation, etc. and they certainly deserve it.

Plus they are very supportive of my "separation anxiety" and "fear of abandonment", but I still feel it! Has a lot to do with old church, with the "pastor" cancelling church every few months. Also of how the leaders would act in his absence (which was bad enough in his presence!) Plus old childhood issues.

I keep repeating that mantra "I'm in a different place..", but the closer the time gets to them leaving (just a couple of weeks) the more agitated and anxious I get. I trust the leaders, I've been there long enough to know they are stable and not flaky. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "What's next? They'll leave for a couple of weeks, be back. Then later down the road, it will be 3 weeks, then 4 weeks, then FOREVER!"

All of which is completely illogical. I get so mad, I think, "Just when I get to where I feel I can relax and know that everything is going to be alright, BAM, something happens and my guard goes up again." I feel that old instinct of wanting to pull back and pull into myself to protect myself before I get hurt. Everything suddenly looks like a sign of doom, things I'd worked through already (e.g. someone happens to not talk to me at church, it suddenly means "They are going to turn on me I just know it"). Major paranoia right now. :eek:

I'm trying to be a little lighthearted about it, but really I am very upset. If anyone has anything encouraging to say I could sure use it. I'm so tired of revisiting this issue.

[SpinningHead]

I think it's great you're able to admit that you're having these feelings and are reaching out for support.

Very courageous of you. :)

[Jerry]

Pinkie,,,,,

FEAR = ,,,,,,,,,

False

Evidance

Appearing

Real


Love Jerry

[ninaspirit]

Hi Pinkie,
we can relate -lots of tims we had to look after ourselfs. for us it is when we were at camp and we were scared - everything was so not sure. how will we get through a day, what if we get home sick, what if no body comes to pick us up and what if no will take care of us if no one comes. what will hapen to us. and we got more home sick and more home sick. if we cryed they say we were being a......

sooooo.... we couldn't tell no body like you did. so when the panic started we told ourself we ned to get throuh this, we will wait 5 mintutes, then after 5 minutes we wated another 10 minutes then a half hour and then a hour and then we could wait till the end of the day.
....then the secnod day we said we can wait till lunch, then we went by our self and cried. and said now another half day then we can sleep and not remember.
the next day we said we can wait a whole day and see what every body else is doing. and we did some things they did. then the evening it was hard. ok. well then we remembered we could wait a whole day.
and then we could wait 2 days. the next day we started looking forward to going home. we were glad it was almost over and it started being fun.

so we don't know if that helps but it worked for us. the next time it was more easy when we remembered the fun part. our grown up person finds stuff to do if she is geting panic. and trys talking with differnt people. she looks on a calender so she knows which day people are back and asks what can we do till thne. after the first week it is more easy. but some tims it is stil hard. ninas 12


Well I am trying not to panic. As usual, my first thought is, "...but I was doing so WELL!....."

My pastor and wife are going to be gone for almost 3 weeks. The first time since I've joined the church almost 4 years ago, that they have been gone that long (much needed vacation). Till now, the longest they've been gone at one time is a week, and then only a couple of times a year. I certainly don't begrudge them their time away, they encourage everyone to take time off from the church to be with family, take vacation, etc. and they certainly deserve it.

Plus they are very supportive of my "separation anxiety" and "fear of abandonment", but I still feel it! Has a lot to do with old church, with the "pastor" cancelling church every few months. Also of how the leaders would act in his absence (which was bad enough in his presence!) Plus old childhood issues.

I keep repeating that mantra "I'm in a different place..", but the closer the time gets to them leaving (just a couple of weeks) the more agitated and anxious I get. I trust the leaders, I've been there long enough to know they are stable and not flaky. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "What's next? They'll leave for a couple of weeks, be back. Then later down the road, it will be 3 weeks, then 4 weeks, then FOREVER!"

All of which is completely illogical. I get so mad, I think, "Just when I get to where I feel I can relax and know that everything is going to be alright, BAM, something happens and my guard goes up again." I feel that old instinct of wanting to pull back and pull into myself to protect myself before I get hurt. Everything suddenly looks like a sign of doom, things I'd worked through already (e.g. someone happens to not talk to me at church, it suddenly means "They are going to turn on me I just know it"). Major paranoia right now. :eek:

I'm trying to be a little lighthearted about it, but really I am very upset. If anyone has anything encouraging to say I could sure use it. I'm so tired of revisiting this issue.

[ex-shep]

It certaunly took more than my share of operant conditioning to erase the tapes. The only problem is the tapes has a good version of Norton Utilities.

I sometimes have to underreact to the old tapes. Sounds like the mantra is good recovery tool. You have a good handle on issues. Keep up the good work.

[Pinkie Pie]

Hi Pinkie,

sooooo.... we couldn't tell no body like you did. so when the panic started we told ourself we ned to get throuh this, we will wait 5 mintutes, then after 5 minutes we wated another 10 minutes then a half hour and then a hour and then we could wait till the end of the day.
....then the secnod day we said we can wait till lunch, then we went by our self and cried. and said now another half day then we can sleep and not remember.
the next day we said we can wait a whole day and see what every body else is doing. and we did some things they did. then the evening it was hard. ok. well then we remembered we could wait a whole day.
and then we could wait 2 days. the next day we started looking forward to going home. we were glad it was almost over and it started being fun.

so we don't know if that helps but it worked for us. the next time it was more easy when we remembered the fun part. our grown up person finds stuff to do if she is geting panic. and trys talking with differnt people. she looks on a calender so she knows which day people are back and asks what can we do till thne. after the first week it is more easy. but some tims it is stil hard. ninas 12

Ninas,

Everything you all said really touched something in me. Kind of like you were talking to the little girl inside of me. It was very comforting. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and yes, your wisdom. Doing it in bits and pieces is a good way to look at it.

[Pinkie Pie]

Pinkie,,,,,

FEAR = ,,,,,,,,,

False

Evidance

Appearing

Real


Love Jerry

Jerry, I've heard that before but it never clicked with me...until now! This time it does, it is SOOO appropriate.

Thanks for posting it. I've been repeating that to myself all morning, everytime fearful thoughts come to me. You are soooo wise. You are such a gift to this forum. You kind of remind me of my oldest brother, he always could say a whole lot in just a few sentences...or words! Come to think of it, he lives in Michigan too....you ain't him are you??? Just kidding, he's from another part of MI.

[Pinkie Pie]

......it's not pleasant to keep "revisiting" these issues, BUT, the good news is that each time you do so, there's a little LESS pain attached to it and you can continue grow sort of "apart" from all that's being triggered in you. (My words...not hers...but sort of paraphrasing the thought as I remember it.)

So...do please keep posting as you're able to do so and know that you DO have my "ear" and my compassion for all you've gone through.

Beyond that....in my experience, though it IS frustrating to have "old" issues keep coming up, for me...it's just sort of a signal that there's a bit more work to be done with some new tools at hand, or as issues receive new "light" from their connection(s) to a new situation. It's NOT that we haven't done a "good job" the FIRST time around of doing the WORK of healing, but that...to use an oft-used analogy--we've just peeled back a layer or two of the outer "skin" of the problem and now are needing to work a bit more at some other parts of this (stinky!) "onion!"

Grace and peace to you and yours this day, dear one!...and DO..."remember to breathe!!!"



Okay Theodora....taking a DEEEEEP breath.....:) and you are right, there is less pain attached to it this time, now that I think about it...and for some weird reason, taking a deep breath kind of takes that "sting" out of my heart, you know the sting I'm talking about?

[Pinkie Pie]

I think it's great you're able to admit that you're having these feelings and are reaching out for support.

Very courageous of you. :)

Thanks, SpinningHead. Believe it or not, it has only been the last few months that I feel ike it is okay for me to ask for support. Till now, if I did work up the courage to ask for support, I would feel like a nuisance. Crazy I know. I'm finally starting to get past the feeling that I am a "pain-in-the-butt" as my dad used to say, whenever I have something I need to talk about. That is in large part due to the support of everyone on this forum.

[Pinkie Pie]

It certaunly took more than my share of operant conditioning to erase the tapes. The only problem is the tapes has a good version of Norton Utilities.

I sometimes have to underreact to the old tapes. Sounds like the mantra is good recovery tool. You have a good handle on issues. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for bringing up that "underreact" again. I remember that being part of a discussion awhile back, maybe even last year, and someone mentioned underreacting to triggers, which helped me immensely. Sometimes just need to be reminded again.

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT!!!! YOU ARE ALL THE GREATEST! :) :) :D :D

[Jerry]

You kind of remind me of my oldest brother, he always could say a whole lot in just a few sentences...or words! Come to think of it, he lives in Michigan too....you ain't him are you??? Just kidding, he's from another part of MI.
Pinkie,,,,
Hell maybe I know the guy :D I probably stole that quote from him ;) :D
Love Jerry