Welcome to the forum(s) Pygmalyn!

[Theodora]

Hello!

I just read your biography and note some common interests, so wanted to say "hi" and to encourage you to post as you feel comfortable doing so. You said:


Biography:
I have had a long history of abuse at the hands of people in places of spiritual leadership: pastors, elders, church leaders. I am at a place where I can't make myself go back to any church again...I just can't take any more.
Location:
Denver
Interests:
I enjoy music, reading, theater, fine arts,
Occupation:
Database Administrator & Multimedia developer

I'm SO very sorry that you're yet another person who is EMERGING out of abuse, but do know that you're not alone. There are many courageous people whom I've seen on this board and I do hope that you'll find here the kind of support that we all need during these painful times. Do know too that others share your feeling that they can't attend any church any more. There is MUCH healing work that needs to happen before that is possible---from all that I've read here.

FWIW, my own little saga has more to do with what I've been calling "spiritual neglect" rather than outright "abuse" as I've read of here---people being chastised from the pulpit, people being shunned in public, people having their "stories" told in OTHER churches where they sought refuge (i.e. being labeled as "trouble-makers" etc.). There is one rather unique experience in my past which gives me empathy for what others have shared here---so---I continue to read the posts (as able---I deal with various versions of chronic illness, so am not always able to be here)...but I mostly post on the more general NACR board.

BUT...to my main reason for posting for you....other than we now share an "avatar!"...is that I was wondering how/whether your interest in music and in reading might be a support for you in the healing process. Certainly, I know that has been true for me and I have been SO grateful for the VAST literature in "recovery" of various sorts which I have discovered through the years.

In addition to that, I was introduced to some of the mid-20th c. literature in "epistemology" when I was in college and I've really liked one of those books in particular and would like to suggest that for you as well. What is coming to mind is Paul Tillich's The Shaking of the Foundation--- a collection of "essays" which, although they use a biblical text for "meditation," are really not like usual "sermons" (and therefore--I'd hope--wouldn't be too "triggering.") What is coming to mind, specifically, is one of the chapters called "You are accepted."

So...with that I'll stop for now and hope to "see" you before long. Know that you ARE "accepted," and that, to the best of our ability, we do not "judge" where another person is on his/her spiritual journey here.

Grace and peace to you and yours this day.

Theodora

:)

[Jerry]

WELCOME !! Pygmalyn,,,,,
Hey I don't go to Church on a regular basis anymore either......When I do attend it isn't the same one twice,I don't care to belong to anyones flock :eek: I listen to the Tv preachers and I react the same to all of them,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,"Angels and Ministers of grace defend us" :D Me thinks you'll like it here ;)
Love Jerry

[pygmalyn]

Thank you, Theodora and Jerry, for your warm welcome(s)... I hope this will be a safe place for me to tell this long, awful story and finally get some help...

My story is a long one and covers most of my adult life…I need to tell it somewhere where people will listen and not judge…

In this arena, I know I will have to break it up into sections…if the ‘group’ will bear with me over time…

I grew up in the Church, became a believer early in my childhood. Was active in leadership in my church youth groups. I met my future husband there, another leader in the group, and together we went off to Bible college after high school, and married after my 2nd year of college. He finished his degree; I quit school to work and support us. During his last year of school I became pregnant with our first child…

This event was highly influential in my husband’s decision NOT to continue his education at Dallas Theological Seminary…instead, he took a position as pastor of a church plant with support of another area church in a town outside of Reading, PA. Although not terribly significant, the denomination at the time was Baptist…

Fast forward 8 years and 3 children later…hubby comes home very late from a meeting after Wednesday prayer meeting with church leadership…and informs me that he has been fired, effective immediately…reason being that he had been engaged in ‘inappropriate’ relationship with a woman in the church, who brought this to the attention of the leadership.

Over the course of the next year, I was to learn the real truth: that he had, in fact, had relationships with several women…by this time we had moved to Southern California, far away from family, friends etc. and I had virtually no support system whatsoever to deal with any of this.

My husband had attended one of John MacArthur’s pastors’ schools so we started attending that church and counseling with one of the associate pastors there. He was quite helpful, actually, however, he felt we needed counsel with a ‘real’ counselor, so referred us on. The man we ended up seeing I felt was completely out of line and I refused to go back…his counsel was that I needed to be in a support group for women who had difficulty ‘loving their husbands’… thus doing the thing I’ve found most Christians do—blaming the wife for her husband’s sin. At no time did he ever deal with my husband’s compulsive need to act out sexually.

That was probably my introductory lesson in the ‘good ole’ boys’ network among pastors and church leadership…

I had to be strong for my children, who were ages 3, 6 & 7 at the time…much too young for them to understand the backdrop of their little lives… I believe God could heal and restore my marriage so I continued to be faithful as a wife and mother, and we found a smaller church closer to home in which to worship…

However…the pastor of that church had been my husband’s mentor in the ministry…I will refer to him as Pastor S… had been our former pastor in Ohio, in the church where we grew up…and 5 years previously had run off with a woman in that church (Ohio). Our youth pastor then, I will refer to as Pastor D (who is now at EV Free, Fullerton, CA as Director of Counseling ministries) went after him, brought him back to his wife and children, and he/they underwent extensive counseling for a couple of years, before he re-entered the ministry again in an associate position at a large church in Indiana.

When we came to CA, Pastor S had recently come to CA to take the Sr. Pastor position in this church we attended. When he took the position at this church Pastor S had disclosed his previous sexual failure, but the church had called him anyway… We were there 2-3 years before we moved to a town about an hour away to purchase a new home…the week we moved, the news broke that Pastor S was carrying on an affair with a woman in the church--a deacon's wife, and was dismissed from that ministry.

Naturally, this was distressing news… While I believe my husband (I’ll refer to him as M---) was not engaged in extra-marital activity during this time, I can see how his relationship with Pastor S over these many years had influenced his mind and behaviors…

As we had participated in the congregation, my husband had never disclosed his past to anyone…and while people knew M---- had been in the pastorate, M--- had found other obscure reasons to give as to why he was no longer in ministry. I didn’t feel it was appropriate for me to disclose that information to anyone either, so I kept silent…Looking back, that was not a good choice on my part—it was more enabling.

I think this will be a good place to pause … I will write more in a day or two…

[butterfly]

Welcome Pygmalyn, Thank you for sharing. You sure have gone thru alot. There is love and understanding here on the forum. butterfly [Shirley]

[SpinningHead]

Welcome Pygmalyn,

My heart is breaking reading the first of your posts. You have gone through it, sister!! I look forward to the rest of your posts and know that I'm praying for you (not in that fake-phoney kind of way that people say it - but in the real, "your name will be in my prayer journal next time I'm there" kind of way).

[Jerry]

Dear Pygmalyn,,,,
This is for "M" ............Sir,,,heres what your missing....We are all human.Yes there is momentary anger but we ,including your wife, also understand being blindsided by a momentary indiscreation,so it really isn't the sex part.We are sexual beings,we can get by that ;) The real pain is the ongoing affair part because you see that is more than sex,,,,,,it is "Betrayal".It is taking precious tokens of love and selfishly discarding them as if they mean nothing,putting your wifes spirit to the lash,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,then comes the day of reconing,,,,,you get caught and say ,,,,"Oh God !!! help me what can I do to get out of this????" As if by Gods inspiration,,,,,,You confess hopeing,,,,,,,,no,,,,,,"Expecting" her forgiviness,,,,,,,,,,,,of course,you know her so well.... ;) So here is the "Bottom Line",,,,,,,,,,, When all of this first started,you knew in advance what your wifes reaction would be if she found out,and you chose to run the risk.So,,,,,,what has your confession gained ??????,,,,is it that you can say that you have been an honest man ????,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Is that what you have been ?????????
Praying for you both,,,Jerry

[mary]

Dear Pygmalyn,

Your story breaks my heart...:( :( :( I lift you up in prayer tonight... Please keep posting and letting us know how we can help and how we can best pray for you and your family.

In the love of our precious Lord Jesus Christ,

mary